TerpGal

So I made a little post the other day about my expectations not being met and went into my T that night with those same thoughts. What shook out basically was that 1) . It is still ok to be angry, this is BIG stuff I am coming to grips with 2). I have a bad problem with negative self talk just around , "i should've done better" that was put there by my A father 3) that it is ok for me to be assertive as far as needs and as far as managing unlicensed staff at work. Assertiveness does not come naturally to me as I learned always to never make waves and not be seen as not to upset my father 4) I need to learn to listen to my gut 5) I need to learn to recognize when I have made good choices.

She noticed a theme over the last few sessions that I have been talking to RAH. I talked with my BFF today who also notices the same thing. She faced infidelity in her marriage and ultimately worked through it (with A LOT of work on both parts) and she told me she thinks she would have never had the clarity to make a s decision she could live with if they hadn't seperated (they lived apart for a summer after she found out). All this is much to think about.

And this is all still SO PAINFUL. I think more painful than when he was drinking. Many of you know I suffer with chronic suicidal thoughts and they are honestly hitting me hard. I am not to the point I am afraid I am going to act on them and if I DO get to that point, I know what to do. It just sucks. I just wish I could he happy. Even for 1 day.

freetosmile

I struggle so much with negative self talk. One of the things that has worked for me learning to recognize it AS I'm doing it, STOP the thought process, and force myself to turn it into a positive. It starts to become a habit. If you have already thought the WHOLE Negative thought, then go back and reword it to yourself.

my T also gave me an exercise that involves me standing in front of the mirror, staring at myself with total honesty and telling myself I love you. Sounds RIDICULOUS but its working!!
you are loveable!!!!! You are adorable!! You are just the way your higher power made you!!! Hugs to you girlie!! Big big hugs!

LemonGirl

(((HUGS)))!!! I recently broke up with my abf. The pain is manifesting in massive headaches, I'm forgetting things, I can't sleep and have nightmares.... But I hold the knowledge that this will all pass. What we have the opportunity to do is to create new thought patterns and new actions that will stop leading to situations like these. Because so far, they have been self fulfilling prophecies. I hope you can find a way to be gentle with yourself. It is OKAY to put yourself first. It is OKAY to tell others NO and be selfish. Bless you!!!

FlippedRHalo

Hang in there Terp - from an emotionally vulnerable stand point, this is probably one of the hardest walks you'll ever take.

After many years of suffering through the same feelings off and on, depending on life circumstances, what I've come to finally realize is that what pushes me from feeling depressed, yet able to function and control it to a point, over to really depressed and feeling like I'm losing it, is the anxiety. And, after many years of trying to find different ways to cope with that, medication wise and otherwise, I've finally found the medication combination that keeps me relatively even. Have you considered possibly trying anti-anxiety meds? Maybe even just to help you through this acute crisis stage?

Anxiety does horrible things to a person. I personally despise having to take meds, but the other alternative is feeling like I'm completely losing control and I refuse to suffer that way if I don't have to.

I was off of my anxiety medication for almost 4 years and after thinking I was going to have a heart attack with the heart flutters and palpitations, and the jump out of my skin anxiety during and directly after my ex-A and I split, my doctor started me on them again. The small amount I take doesn't make me numb (wish it did at times), but it certainly takes the edge off of the overwhelming pain, racing thoughts, inability to sleep and the constant feeling that my heart is jumping out of my chest and my throat is closing up.

Just a thought. I hate seeing people suffer in the way you're describing because I know how brutally painful it is. It's such a dark place to be and I wish I could reach through the computer and pull you through it.

You're going to be ok Terp. This is hard. So, so hard. Please remember to cut yourself some well deserved slack and don't beat yourself up. This is brutally painful stuff to work through. Here if you need to chat, anytime. I know where you are. Been there too.... so many times. Hugs.

TerpGal

I take a cocktail of psych meds. A mood stabilizer, the newest antidepressant on the market because no other antidepressant works for me anymore, and klonopin for anxiety. I used to take a lot more psych meds than I take now. At one point I was taking something rediculous like 5 psych meds. I was a zombie then, for sure.

CodeJob

Repeating the serenity prayer 3 times in the mirror I've seen recommended too. Mirror work is some powerful stuff.

Hugs to my terrapin. next time you are chattering away in your head all negative, put on some lip gloss in the mirror and shush that voice.