First Post Ever & Rant
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Augusta, GA
Posts: 2
First Post Ever & Rant
Greetings! I have been reading about many of you over the past few days, and decided tonight that I needed to plunge into discussion.
My background: I'm a lawyer in my late 30's who has been heavily drinking since I started practicing some 15 years ago. I became a daily drinker about 5 years ago. 5-8 beers per night and a night cap consisting of usually a bottle of red wine.
I tried to hang it up about a year ago and lasted about 2 months. I went through a hell of a withdrawal period, felt great after a few weeks, but I'm not sure why I relapsed. At eleven days, I am a little anxious still, but for the most part the physical cravings are calm. I can do this if I can control the non-physical urges.
My rant: I feel alone in this struggle. My wife (who seldom drinks) berates me from time to time about being "a drunk" but when I try to quit she has nothing to offer in terms of encouragement. Maybe she's just jaded. Maybe I do not deserve her encouragement. I've lied, I've hid, I've embarrassed. But my issue is this: She is very attuned and knows if I have had one sip of alcohol, and sees right through my lies, and ready in an instant to attack me for drinking. But for God's sake, does she not notice that I haven't had a drink in 11 days? She actually came home tonight with a bottle of wine, opened it and asked me if I wanted a glass. I said no, and she looked at me in an indignant manner and said, Why not? I wanted to say, Because I don't want a glass, I WANT THE WHOLE DAM'N BOTTLE. But I actually said that I needed a good night's sleep. Well, maybe its just my first real test in 11 days. So, instead of scarfing down the bottle, I decided to vent here and keep my mind right.
My background: I'm a lawyer in my late 30's who has been heavily drinking since I started practicing some 15 years ago. I became a daily drinker about 5 years ago. 5-8 beers per night and a night cap consisting of usually a bottle of red wine.
I tried to hang it up about a year ago and lasted about 2 months. I went through a hell of a withdrawal period, felt great after a few weeks, but I'm not sure why I relapsed. At eleven days, I am a little anxious still, but for the most part the physical cravings are calm. I can do this if I can control the non-physical urges.
My rant: I feel alone in this struggle. My wife (who seldom drinks) berates me from time to time about being "a drunk" but when I try to quit she has nothing to offer in terms of encouragement. Maybe she's just jaded. Maybe I do not deserve her encouragement. I've lied, I've hid, I've embarrassed. But my issue is this: She is very attuned and knows if I have had one sip of alcohol, and sees right through my lies, and ready in an instant to attack me for drinking. But for God's sake, does she not notice that I haven't had a drink in 11 days? She actually came home tonight with a bottle of wine, opened it and asked me if I wanted a glass. I said no, and she looked at me in an indignant manner and said, Why not? I wanted to say, Because I don't want a glass, I WANT THE WHOLE DAM'N BOTTLE. But I actually said that I needed a good night's sleep. Well, maybe its just my first real test in 11 days. So, instead of scarfing down the bottle, I decided to vent here and keep my mind right.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 585
Hello GBT and welcome. There is a vast amount of resources and support here. Like you, my wife became jaded as i lied, hid and lied more. It took time for her to come around and support me. She has never know the full extent of my alcohol abuse and i am trying to make amends for the part she is aware of. Again, welcome aboard.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: South Bay, So Cal
Posts: 6,121
Hi GBT,
I'm an alcoholic. The people in our lives have heard our ********. What they need is to see our actions. They have trusted us before, and we let them down. 11 days, great. But how many years before that ? 15 right? I'm just suggesting to please have patience. Make YOUR sobriety number one. Period. No excuses, no blaming, and seek help with other alcoholics . We really have walked the walk. This SR site is huge in my own recovery. Welcome and please come back
Bobbi
I'm an alcoholic. The people in our lives have heard our ********. What they need is to see our actions. They have trusted us before, and we let them down. 11 days, great. But how many years before that ? 15 right? I'm just suggesting to please have patience. Make YOUR sobriety number one. Period. No excuses, no blaming, and seek help with other alcoholics . We really have walked the walk. This SR site is huge in my own recovery. Welcome and please come back
Bobbi
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome GBT and congrats on your decision, as well as your 11 days. Our emotions are all over the map early on, rant away. As addicts we want instant gratification...that's why we drank of course. But recovery doesnt work that way...it takes time and patience. Your wife is probably skeptical of your sobriety, we need to earn that trust back. Years and years of lying/hiding cannot be undone in just a week and a half. Having said that, action speaks louder than words...and the longer you stay sober, the better it will all get. Stick around...lots of support and open ears here 24/7
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Hi GBT,
I'm glad you posted and good work on 11 days sober.
I drank for about 3 years and I hid my drinking, lied to my family and generally let them down. When I stopped drinking, I didn't get any encouragement either, none. But, I felt like I shouldn't expect encouragement from them. I had made this mess and I had to clean it up. Do this for you.
I'm glad you posted and good work on 11 days sober.
I drank for about 3 years and I hid my drinking, lied to my family and generally let them down. When I stopped drinking, I didn't get any encouragement either, none. But, I felt like I shouldn't expect encouragement from them. I had made this mess and I had to clean it up. Do this for you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,554
Welcome to the family GBT. 11 days sober is wonderful - just have patience and keep doing what you're doing - things will fall into place. Be proud of the action you've taken so far - we all know how difficult it is.
Until It Sleeps
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: AL
Posts: 215
I have drank about 22 years, quit once for almost 2 years and started back, then a few months hear and there. Finally admitted to my self, I cant control it. So I am here, Finishing day 5, this past Sat night I drank close to a liter of scotch, about 2 inches left in the bottle. I cant do that or be that anymore. I am doing this for my self and alone, as it goes around the house. So, I am there with you, just hang on, I am as well.
Sober Soldier
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 1,911
Hi GBT and well done on 11 days
I agree with these guys. "Outsiders" only see our actions and hear our words. They can't see the battle being waged inside our heads. Stay focused on your sobriety. Show her you are serious.
More power to you!
I agree with these guys. "Outsiders" only see our actions and hear our words. They can't see the battle being waged inside our heads. Stay focused on your sobriety. Show her you are serious.
More power to you!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Fort Collins
Posts: 13
Good job GBT!!!
I am new to this forum as of today and look forward to the day I can even post about making it to day 11...
Having such a stressful job how did you make it through the initial anxieties and stress?
I am new to this forum as of today and look forward to the day I can even post about making it to day 11...
Having such a stressful job how did you make it through the initial anxieties and stress?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Earth
Posts: 607
Hello GBT, Never got support for my recovery but sure did get the boot when I went the other direction. The point is they get tired of supporting a lying, sneaking drunk. A lot of resentment builds up over years of dealing with selfish people like us. They tend to get angry or indifferent about our actions. It's really not their problem solve. Only long term proof through positive actions and change can improve their perception of us. Couple of years sober and still working on the trust issues with the wife. Lots of improvement but a work in process.
Good job of getting through 11 days. Keep at it. It's the only way things will change.
Good job of getting through 11 days. Keep at it. It's the only way things will change.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Chattanooga TN
Posts: 596
"Because I don't want a glass, I WANT THE WHOLE DAM'N BOTTLE."
This is what you should have said in my opinion. If she doesn't understand where you are coming from, educate her. Some people can have a couple of drinks and be satisfied. We can not. They do not understand this and think it is weakness, but it is not. It isn't her fault for not understanding. If you stay strong in your goals, her comments will mean nothing and maybe, just maybe they will go away. Having said that, some people are just mean, I can't comment on that.
Work out why you want the whole bottle, why you want to be drunk, and go from there and fix it. You are a lawyer, you understand facts mean more than thoughts
And welcome! You are among people who understand more than you know just yet. Share as much as you want to and take away from this site what you need. I have yet to see much judgment from the people posting here.
This is what you should have said in my opinion. If she doesn't understand where you are coming from, educate her. Some people can have a couple of drinks and be satisfied. We can not. They do not understand this and think it is weakness, but it is not. It isn't her fault for not understanding. If you stay strong in your goals, her comments will mean nothing and maybe, just maybe they will go away. Having said that, some people are just mean, I can't comment on that.
Work out why you want the whole bottle, why you want to be drunk, and go from there and fix it. You are a lawyer, you understand facts mean more than thoughts
And welcome! You are among people who understand more than you know just yet. Share as much as you want to and take away from this site what you need. I have yet to see much judgment from the people posting here.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 3,539
For all the negativity you hear about your drinking, and the lack of encouragement you get when you quit, it must seem fairly inexplicable that she should offer you wine.
Well it's not.
When an alcoholic quits drinking the spouse must go through a period of adjustment as well. One of the things the spouse must adjust to is a certain lack of control. You see, wielding the club of a spouses drinking against them provides a degree of control for the spouse. This power is especially important within a relationship that holds power as a value.
Your occupation is all about adversarial relationships. Don't allow this to be a part of your home life as well. An open and honest discussion of this is warranted, along with the fostering the appropriate values... by both of you.
Well it's not.
When an alcoholic quits drinking the spouse must go through a period of adjustment as well. One of the things the spouse must adjust to is a certain lack of control. You see, wielding the club of a spouses drinking against them provides a degree of control for the spouse. This power is especially important within a relationship that holds power as a value.
Your occupation is all about adversarial relationships. Don't allow this to be a part of your home life as well. An open and honest discussion of this is warranted, along with the fostering the appropriate values... by both of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,867
Welcome to SR, GBT; glad you found us. Congratulations on 12 sober days.
I didn't experience any hostility or ridicule when I stopped drinking but I didn't receive any encouragement, either. It takes a significant amount of time to rebuild trust. Your wife and family will eventually benefit from the 'trickle down' and 'ripple effect' of your sobriety; trust will follow.
Ultimately, though, we seek sobriety for ourselves.
I didn't experience any hostility or ridicule when I stopped drinking but I didn't receive any encouragement, either. It takes a significant amount of time to rebuild trust. Your wife and family will eventually benefit from the 'trickle down' and 'ripple effect' of your sobriety; trust will follow.
Ultimately, though, we seek sobriety for ourselves.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,449
I echo what SL mentioned above. In time, they will SEE the changes themselves. The guards will be let down when they feel ready. All we can do is keep doing the right thing, not even for them, but for us. Everything else will follow
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