EmmyG

I've been trying to post for weeks, but I guess I'm kinda ashamed that I am still having such a hard time.

I’ve been living apart from my husband since April of last year. I left because his drinking was getting out of control and his benders were closer and closer together. He has always been able to go a good while without alcohol, but when he has it, watch out. Scary and awful.

In September, he had a bad bender. He was going downhill pretty fast for a few months. He had a seizure and an ER doctor found a mass in his brain, which isn’t cancerous but supposedly can cause a lot of issues. Fair enough, but it’s been months and he is barely following up with it now. He has an appointment next week, where he is supposed to get referred to a well-regarded neurosurgeon for his opinion. If it were me, I would have had it taken care of long ago. Anyway, after his week-long bender in September, I decided to move closer to my family for the support network. I thought it would be easy to find a job close to their town -- wrong. Four months later, I’m still looking and commuting daily, two hours each way. I’m exhausted pretty much all the time. I feel extreme guilt pretty much every second of the day for being away from my kids. On one hand, I’m happy because they are not in any kind of child care, and they have been spending a lot of time with my parents, who are great with them, but on the other, I MISS THEM and I only have time in the evenings and on the weekends. It’s killing me. I was a stay-at-home mom up until 2013, so it's a huge adjustment.

AH recently moved about 7 miles from me to be closer to the boys. He hasn’t drank since November, which is not a big shocker because I think having to be there for the boys more has kept him busy. We’ve never had an issue with him drinking while he’s responsible for taking care of them (never say never though, right?). He can usually go a long time between drinking binges. I fully expect one at any time. He changed his number when he moved so that he could distance himself from any drinking buddies, but I’m not naive enough to think that will stop him. Of course he also keeps saying he’s going to get treatment for his anxiety/PTSD, but I’m not holding my breath. His last bender ended up costing him two clients, so now he’s hurting financially, which just makes it all worse. And I can't help but give him weekly lectures on how he needs to get happy, do whatever it takes, etc. I can't stop myself from doing that.

My sister moved out of state last weekend, which sucks. She is one of the only people I can really talk to. I have like, no friends right now. I haven’t been able to pursue friendships, really, since I married him. I have too much on my mind all the time. (I left a large, but cult-like religion about a year before I met AH, and every friend I had there cut me off for marrying outside of the religion.) I don’t even keep in contact with my relatives outside my immediate family, because I am just constantly overwhelmed. I have been to two therapists, and felt like they did NOTHING for me. They both said I am really self-aware, which I already knew, but I felt like I was paying money to listen to myself talk. I feel so tied-up in his health and well-being, to my detriment, and I can’t stop myself from worrying. I don’t even know why. I can’t pull the trigger on completely distancing myself from him. I read about traumatic bonding last night, and I feel like that could be what it is. I feel like I’m the only person he has. He’s not suicidal, and I don’t worry about that. But for some reason, I’m stuck in this miserable place. I’m sure some of it just has to do with how tired I am. But all I’m seeing is negativity right now. I don’t know how to move forward or what to do. I’m weighed down by everything that has happened over the last 8 years. I don’t know relaxation, or peace, anymore. I’ve forgotten what life was like before it became so hard. Everything feels hard right now - getting up in the morning is hard, and the future looks really bleak to me. I feel like I’m tethered to this unhappy, miserable person, and I always will be. I want happiness for me and the boys, and for AH, really. And I know I could be okay, but I almost feel like he would have to disappear for that to happen. Does that make any sense?

Hammer

Yeah, sure. But I think I am saying it a little simpler lately --

You can not have Good, until you let go of Bad.

CodeJob

Hello EmmyG!

It is good to see you here! I was wondering what you and your sweet boys were up to. I'm sorry to hear a job hasn't panned out her closer to where you moved. Commuting can just suck the life energy out of you - especially 4 hrs a day.

I'll pray a job comes through for you!

As for he who has a mass in his head, did his mom not get all of that addressed when she was here in the states? His behavior as you describe it sounds pretty sick still.

just in the last day someone posted a thread on lingering in a relationship. Maybe that will help you mull things over.

maia1234

EG- I am sorry that you seem to be so down. You have taken so many steps to do whats best for you and your kids. That's awesome.. I know the job thing is horrible and that is truly what's holding you back.

Sounds like you have come a long way. I know they say you will know when it is time to make a change. Don't force a solution that you might regret. I know you have taken steps to make changes in your life. Sit back and get healthier. I know you don't have a lot of time but SR or alanon meetings helped me.. I saw a therapist everyday for 3 months and never helped me. I walked into the doors of alanon and said this is where I needed to be. My life has changed dramatically.

You said that your AH is not drinking, but is he working a program? Sounds like his depressed. You give him to God or his higher power and you focus on yourself.

Keep coming back!!!!!!

(((((((((hugs my friend))))))))))))

spiderqueen

Dear Emmy, there is no need for this. So many of us have been where you are, and we are here for you.

Stung

You mean you're not perfect? I thought I was the only one.

Don't be ashamed. I've been wondering how you and your little guys have been doing. I'm glad that your boys are getting good quality time with your parents, and free childcare!

Yes. This is how I feel about my mom. I was no contact with her for a few months and then the day after Christmas I unblocked her and now I'm back in her orbit. The problem isn't her, it's me. I keep myself in her orbit. I pulled myself out of her orbit by blocking her phone number and it was difficult and scary but after a few months of no drama it's really shocking how much anxiety her manipulative text messages can cause me and how much of my time I invest on how I need to respond to her. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter what I say to her, she's going to keep on doing the same things that she's always done until she decides to change - which is likely never. So I need to deal with my own grief and acceptance that this woman will NEVER be what I want her to be to me or to my kids and there is nothing I can do about it.

Maybe you're doing something similar with your husband. I know you cannot go no contact with him because you share young children with him, but maybe you can try something that with some very rigid communication guidelines…like blocking his phone number unless he has your boys. If he needs to communicate outside of those times he can leave you a voicemail and you'll get it but he won't be able to distract you otherwise.

Sorry about your therapists. I'm currently looking for a new therapist for myself too. I've been told finding the right therapist is like dating and I'm starting to really believe it. LOL I settled with my first one because she was convenient and she got me started but at a year we have stalled out.

LifeRecovery

Hi Emmy-

Thanks for the update. My relationship ended in April of one year and it was about this time of year that I really struggled. I thought it should be "all better" and be all worked out......

I just wanted to say that I think what you are feeling is really normal considering the experience you have been in.

I have been blessed to have a number of different counselors in my life. When I really started to be willing to "dive into" my stuff I needed to make a change in who I saw. Who had worked for me in the begining would not have worked for me at that time. I was willing to do the work at that time and I needed someone who was willing to challenge me.

As an outsider I am sorry for this being so hard, but I see so much strength and recovery happening.

dandylion

EmmyG....I would like to say that I agree with the idea that limiting the contact with him would be a big step toward reducing your stress. Keeping it to absolute necessity regarding the children, only. E-mail or texting might help.

It is amazing how just one phone call can suck us right back into the belly of the beast.

dandylion

I can remember that one small conversation with my children's father could sour my tranquility.

dandylion

MissFixit

Hi Emmy,

Wouldn't it be great if we could just have all the stars align at the same time? I haven't been in your situation, but I have been in a similar situation and it stinks. I agree that your commute and job search are probably the most taxing issues on you right now. When you have a new job and are not commuting that long, I bet you will feel much better. 4 months isn't that long for a job hunt today. It took me about a year to land one following grad school.

I wish you luck!

FeelingGreat

Emmy no wonder you're struggling with the commute. I hope you can find work nearer, and soon. Even a lower wage would be worth it with the reduced wage.

I have the feeling a lot of of the pieces would fall in place if you could solve the work dilemma. I don't have much to offer, except to suggest you concentrate whatever spare energy you have onto finding alternative work near where you live.

PS Sorry about the lack of friends. I think exclusive religions are cruel.

Chantal88

EmmyG -

If you have been to 2 different therapists and they didn't help you - that means you got two bad therapists.

It took me a while to find the right therapist for me. I really had to do my research. For one, not all therapists practice the same approach. Most practice Cognitive Behavior therapy, which for me was completely worthless.

I prefer therapists who are Jungian or practice mindfulness. Jungian therapy goes deep into your unconscious and focuses a lot on dreams, the meanings of different symbols in your life, even understanding coincidences that appear. Jungian therapy also integrates "sand therapy" and "play therapy". With sand therapy, the therapist has a box of sand with different figures that you can use. Without thinking you create something out of the sand, using whatever figures you want. What you create will be analyzed by you and the therapist.

Mindfulness therapy basically integrates Buddhist philosophies of transforming pain, detachment, inner peace and being mindful.

The right therapist can make ALL the difference.

Good luck.

hopeful4

Hi Emmy,

It's so good to hear from you!!

Honey, you sound exhausted. That commute has to be hard. Have you looked into a placement service or anything that the state may offer as far as retraining or anything of the sort?

Keep on keeping on. This will get better with time and having employment closer to home.

Tight hugs!

lillamy

You know what's good, though? That you're seeing this. And you're seeing that it causes problems for you. That's a good thing. That's progress.

I'm not a professional, but given what you've been through at his hands, traumatic bonding sounds like it fits to me... do you have access to a therapist?

marie1960

Mindful awareness is my new best friend.

When I find my mind start wandering where it doesn't need to be, i force myself to do something else.

Currently, I have the cleanest junk drawer in town. And I have a few closets on standby. Or I put some music on sing at the top of my lungs, have a magazine or book handy, go for a power walk or drive, phone a friend, clean the car, wash some windows, or mirrors, ANYTHING you can to take your mind off of it, and the anxiety WILL pass.

Sounds like all the years of anxiety and tension are catching up with you. You are processing everything, but you need to decompress also.

One foot in front of the other, or push, pull or drag yourself to the next level, I keep telling myself change is good, even though there are some bumps in the road.

Hugs!

Bernadette

I can't stop myself from doing that.

You might be able to though!

The past is gone. You are free in this moment.

Honestly you just sound exhausted! Praying for something to open up for you closer to home....in the meantime - time is so precious I know - but try to do one little nice thing for yourself today - mani/pedi? Quiet cup of tea or coffee in a cafe? Hot shower and go to bed early?? I don't know - just be kind to yourself! If you can let yourself feel good and free for even a half hour....ok 15 minutes....5??? Baby steps!! (((hugs)))
Peace
B

P.S. Ditto what others said about the shame thing! Collectively we've seen or done it all here on SR! Be at peace with where you are. Feelings of shame usually lead me to the least helpful kinds of decisions/behavior.

Chantal88

Article and video on positive impact of mindfulness:

The Incredible Impact A Few Hours Of Mindfulness Has On The Brain

buggirl46

Thank you . I feel my husband is doing the same thing with his brother. His brother texts him daily about not having a place to stay, being cold, needingmoney for food, shower, laundry, etc. it is a constant fight between us. his brother is 57!! He never has taken responsibility for his actions and blames everyone else. I told husband this morning his brother is the master manipulator. because of the text messages to bring guilt on my husband. so tired of it.

Katiekate

12 steps was the only way I learned the power of detachment.

Maybe you could listen to some step stuff on the long rides you have to take.

buggirl46

Emmy you sound like a very strong woman and I am proud of your progress and steps you have taken for your sons!