The "Have you been drinking?" questions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
The "Have you been drinking?" questions
"Have you been drinking?"
"Why does your speech sound off?"
"Where'd the vanilla extract go?" (okay, this one might be specific to my partner who bakes all the time)
I get these questions, or a version of these questions pretty routinely from my live-in girlfriend, whom I've lived with since 2009. I'm 11 months sober, and very active in AA (daily meetings, home group, sponsor, AA friends, prayer, etc.), and I still get these questions. These suspicions shouldn't have the effect of making me very defensive and angry, but it's how I feel.
She saw me go to AA for 2 years without staying sober. Recently, I confided to her that my inability to stay sober in AA during those was much worse than she'd known, but that now I was truly sober and AA was finally working for me!
With increasing frequency since that admission, I get "Why does your speech sound off?", "Have you been drinking?", "Why do you seem so tired tonight?", and my favorite "Hun, have you done something with my vanilla extract?".
My usual responses are that my speech doesn't seem off to me and I don't know what about it seems off to her, that I have not been drinking, that I just got home after a 14 hour day of work and AA, and that I have no idea where your vanilla extract has gone (and that if I wanted to drink, vodka would be my preference, not cooking extracts).
If I point out that she need only look to all the time I spend involved in AA, she responds with "you could just be going out drinking, for all I know" or "well you went to AA before and drank"
I shouldn't feel this defensive, disturbed or upset about it. My drinking career prior to these 11 months have given her every reason to feel suspicious. But my head screams at her that, I have not drank for nearly 1 year!!! Do you not see how hard I've worked and continue to work to get here?! Your suspicions, at this point, are ludicrous and moronic! Vanilla extract?! Are you bleeping serious?!
I try and mostly do respond calmly. I just want a little credit and I wish she trusted me.
Who has dealt with this and how have you dealt with this? Any input is appreciated!
"Why does your speech sound off?"
"Where'd the vanilla extract go?" (okay, this one might be specific to my partner who bakes all the time)
I get these questions, or a version of these questions pretty routinely from my live-in girlfriend, whom I've lived with since 2009. I'm 11 months sober, and very active in AA (daily meetings, home group, sponsor, AA friends, prayer, etc.), and I still get these questions. These suspicions shouldn't have the effect of making me very defensive and angry, but it's how I feel.
She saw me go to AA for 2 years without staying sober. Recently, I confided to her that my inability to stay sober in AA during those was much worse than she'd known, but that now I was truly sober and AA was finally working for me!
With increasing frequency since that admission, I get "Why does your speech sound off?", "Have you been drinking?", "Why do you seem so tired tonight?", and my favorite "Hun, have you done something with my vanilla extract?".
My usual responses are that my speech doesn't seem off to me and I don't know what about it seems off to her, that I have not been drinking, that I just got home after a 14 hour day of work and AA, and that I have no idea where your vanilla extract has gone (and that if I wanted to drink, vodka would be my preference, not cooking extracts).
If I point out that she need only look to all the time I spend involved in AA, she responds with "you could just be going out drinking, for all I know" or "well you went to AA before and drank"
I shouldn't feel this defensive, disturbed or upset about it. My drinking career prior to these 11 months have given her every reason to feel suspicious. But my head screams at her that, I have not drank for nearly 1 year!!! Do you not see how hard I've worked and continue to work to get here?! Your suspicions, at this point, are ludicrous and moronic! Vanilla extract?! Are you bleeping serious?!
I try and mostly do respond calmly. I just want a little credit and I wish she trusted me.
Who has dealt with this and how have you dealt with this? Any input is appreciated!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Did you lie to her when you were drinking? It takes a while to rebuild trust. Maybe sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with her and tell her how these questions make you feel. Let her know that you need more support and feel like you're being interrogated. Do it at a time when you are calm, not when she actually asks you these things.
Early recovery is tough for everyone involved. Good luck to you. xo
Early recovery is tough for everyone involved. Good luck to you. xo
Sober Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Lancashire
Posts: 170
I don't understand the Vanilla Extract thing ? I must have missed that between the Wine and Beer. I didn't really go to pubs and say 6 vanilla extracts and 6 chasers of vanilla extract please, but each to their own.
Bottom line, is you drank and went to AA before, trust was broken and like it or not, if you care about her, you are going to spend a long time rebuilding that trust. Ask her along to your meetings or do a breath test (you can buy them from chemists and pharmacies), do this every day for a month and she will have no choice but to come around.
Don't give up on her, she didn't give up on you.
All the best.
Bottom line, is you drank and went to AA before, trust was broken and like it or not, if you care about her, you are going to spend a long time rebuilding that trust. Ask her along to your meetings or do a breath test (you can buy them from chemists and pharmacies), do this every day for a month and she will have no choice but to come around.
Don't give up on her, she didn't give up on you.
All the best.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,098
Oh last time I stopped (for a few months) I got these questions all the time and it made me SO frustrated and defensive I definitely get your response. I'm back to just 5 days though, I'm beginning to see those questions are actually a reflection of worry and fear, I know it sucks to hear and I imagine it's even harder being sober that long (well done!) but try to just see it as her fear over your well being, not even necessarily a trust thing I don't think. Though her distrust would probably even be justified given what we do to people we love, I actually think it comes more from a place of fear and I find that to be much less difficult to hear as it doesn't really discredit your hard work, you know? It's just like how our parents ask those constant worrying questions when we're young, it's just because they love us
Sorry for rambling, very tired, hope this made sense!
Sorry for rambling, very tired, hope this made sense!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
My current girlfriend has never seen me drunk - I've been sober for 2.5 years. However, I was recently away for Christmas holiday without her. I was speaking to her on the phone and she said "have you been drinking? Are you drunk?" -- it was very weird, because it was the middle of the afternoon and I was just laying in bed after a bike ride and a morning on the beach. I also felt a bit offended, but then again, what could I do? I just said "nope!" and steered the conversation elsewhere. It's never come up since. Good luck man, I know it's a tricky subject!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Thanks for your responses!
I did drink when I previously went to AA meetings, but never got past faking 3 months sober. I'd be passed out, have slurred speech, get ill, etc., claim to be sober and she'd believe me. Now, none of things happen and paradoxically, she suspects I'm drinking.
I agree that she has reason to be suspicious based on past evidence. However, I don't get how these last 11 months, without any evidence or signs of drinking, warrant suspicion. When I get defensive, she says "see this is how you'd respond if you were drinking". When I deny her suspicions, she replies "but you'd say that even if you were drinking".
We have Antabuse in our medicine cabinet. IF consumed within 72 hours of drinking, one will get violently ill. I've told her that I'll take one, at any time, per her suspicions, to convince her that I'm sober. She's never followed through on that and says that it's unfitting of her AlAnon program (her unsponsored, twice monthly "program") for her to request that. Doubt the breath test would be better.
I did drink when I previously went to AA meetings, but never got past faking 3 months sober. I'd be passed out, have slurred speech, get ill, etc., claim to be sober and she'd believe me. Now, none of things happen and paradoxically, she suspects I'm drinking.
I agree that she has reason to be suspicious based on past evidence. However, I don't get how these last 11 months, without any evidence or signs of drinking, warrant suspicion. When I get defensive, she says "see this is how you'd respond if you were drinking". When I deny her suspicions, she replies "but you'd say that even if you were drinking".
We have Antabuse in our medicine cabinet. IF consumed within 72 hours of drinking, one will get violently ill. I've told her that I'll take one, at any time, per her suspicions, to convince her that I'm sober. She's never followed through on that and says that it's unfitting of her AlAnon program (her unsponsored, twice monthly "program") for her to request that. Doubt the breath test would be better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by soberwolf 
Is your gf in Al anon
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Everyday for several years towards the end I would stop at the pub. When I arrived home my wife would ask - Did you stop somewhere?
At slightly less than 8 months, she does not ask - but I know on occasion there are questions in here mind.
I can expect nothing less based on many, many years of destructive behavior. They old adage = Time heals all wounds - may apply.
I suppose only time will tell.
But, I know I am sober
Today, by grace
When her faith is restored is not up to me. If she asked me I suppose I'd simply reply with 228 or whatever number day I was on.
As you're in AA friend, you might consider speaking with your sponsor about this resentment towards her......They are the number one killer, right?!?
Kind Regards
At slightly less than 8 months, she does not ask - but I know on occasion there are questions in here mind.
I can expect nothing less based on many, many years of destructive behavior. They old adage = Time heals all wounds - may apply.
I suppose only time will tell.
But, I know I am sober
Today, by graceWhen her faith is restored is not up to me. If she asked me I suppose I'd simply reply with 228 or whatever number day I was on.
As you're in AA friend, you might consider speaking with your sponsor about this resentment towards her......They are the number one killer, right?!?
Kind Regards
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am on the other side of the fence. I was the one asking b/c my X lied to me all the time about drinking. I so wanted to trust him, but could not.
She is afraid. It's pure and raw fear. The fear that your life seems to be plugging along just fine and that you could relapse is a lot for the partner to accept and deal with.
Has she had any counseling to help her? If not, getting some from a therapist who is familiar with addiction would likely help her a lot, even for a short term.
Overall, it will be your actions over the long haul that does it. Eventually she will trust again. In the mean time, understand she is not trying to annoy you, she is scared and needs your reassurance. Don't take it personally.
Congrats on your sobriety. It is just wonderful to hear a success story and I really appreciate your sharing!
She is afraid. It's pure and raw fear. The fear that your life seems to be plugging along just fine and that you could relapse is a lot for the partner to accept and deal with.
Has she had any counseling to help her? If not, getting some from a therapist who is familiar with addiction would likely help her a lot, even for a short term.
Overall, it will be your actions over the long haul that does it. Eventually she will trust again. In the mean time, understand she is not trying to annoy you, she is scared and needs your reassurance. Don't take it personally.
Congrats on your sobriety. It is just wonderful to hear a success story and I really appreciate your sharing!
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I'm 5.5 years sober and I still get the 3rd degree from my wife. Her mistrust is well founded. I have lied a 1000 times so why should she believe me?
The only person I answer to is me. I know that I'm sober and I take comfort in knowing that. I can only demonstrate through my actions that I'm working a program of recovery
The only person I answer to is me. I know that I'm sober and I take comfort in knowing that. I can only demonstrate through my actions that I'm working a program of recovery
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by MrLofg0029
With increasing frequency since that admission, I get "Why does your speech sound off?", "Have you been drinking?", "Why do you seem so tired tonight?", and my favorite "Hun, have you done something with my vanilla extract?".
Who has dealt with this and how have you dealt with this? Any input is appreciated!
Who has dealt with this and how have you dealt with this? Any input is appreciated!
And was suggested to give it back.
" why does your speech sound off."
" it doesn't on this end maybe you need your hearing checked sweetie."
" have you been drinking?"
Yes, I have to or I'll dehydrate."
" I mean alcohol"
I'm not going to answer that."
"Hun, did you do something with the vanilla extract?"
Yup, put it back where it belongs because someone else left out."
After a while i decided no more questions. She didn't trust me then that was her problem but I didn't get sober to be treated like a doormat.
I ended up bootin her after a whole lot more insanity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
She had sought counseling at one point and has attended AlAnon, and was sponsored in AlAnon. However, we moved out East, I couldn't stay sober and she couldn't balance work/hobbies and AlAnon. She fuddled around with meetings and found one she liked. She now goes to that meeting 2-3 times per month. However, the symptoms that qualify her for AlAnon have gotten steadily more prominent and harder to deal with (anger, paranoia, micromanagement).
When I've suggested that she go return to therapy (personal or couples) and AlAnon, she becomes indignantly angry and defensive.
She's an AlAnon visitor, at best, and not a member.
Truth is that I just want her off my back and to remove me from the microscope slide. How that's accomplished doesn't matter to me, but with it getting worse, I wish she'd try something ... Anything.
When I've suggested that she go return to therapy (personal or couples) and AlAnon, she becomes indignantly angry and defensive.
She's an AlAnon visitor, at best, and not a member.
Truth is that I just want her off my back and to remove me from the microscope slide. How that's accomplished doesn't matter to me, but with it getting worse, I wish she'd try something ... Anything.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
I guess I'm frustrated that, in terms of her job judgement, it's a lose-lose situation... When asks if I've been drinking, and I reply that no, I havemt and that My sobriety is intact, she claims that that's wgat I'd say even if I was drinking. Then I get accused of lying.
If you're sane mental patient and claim that you're not insane, then that proves your insanity because that's what a crazy person would say.
I just want her to stop asking.
If you're sane mental patient and claim that you're not insane, then that proves your insanity because that's what a crazy person would say.
I just want her to stop asking.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 452
I have been sober for just over a year and I still get the "have you been drinking?" question from time to time. Let me explain how it has affected me during my recovery. At the beginning, when I was "not drinking" (as opposed to sober) it really ticked me off. My general view at that time was that if I wasn't drinking the entire world would be rainbows and sunshine. So, at first it ticked me off, but when I looked deeper at my actions I could see that I was a dry-drunk.
Later in my recovery, as I became "sober" it didn't bother me as much. I did the majority of my drinking in secret and only recently (in the past year) have I told my wife of all of this. So, if I'm in a bad mood, short with her, or the kids, it comes up from time to time. It stings at first, but I realize that she may really question my sobriety at that point in time. That is legitimate. It stings at first, but I calm myself down and deal with it. Just recently we had a talk and I told her that I'm just living my life now (sober-life) and sometimes its great and sometimes its not - just like everyone else's. Sometimes I will be in a good mood and sometimes I may be an a$% hole. Even so, it doesn't mean I'm drinking.
To sum it up, I just think it will take time. We have seen our addictions first-hand, 100% of the time. We know the depths from which we have risen. Our significant others do not have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight.
Later in my recovery, as I became "sober" it didn't bother me as much. I did the majority of my drinking in secret and only recently (in the past year) have I told my wife of all of this. So, if I'm in a bad mood, short with her, or the kids, it comes up from time to time. It stings at first, but I realize that she may really question my sobriety at that point in time. That is legitimate. It stings at first, but I calm myself down and deal with it. Just recently we had a talk and I told her that I'm just living my life now (sober-life) and sometimes its great and sometimes its not - just like everyone else's. Sometimes I will be in a good mood and sometimes I may be an a$% hole. Even so, it doesn't mean I'm drinking.
To sum it up, I just think it will take time. We have seen our addictions first-hand, 100% of the time. We know the depths from which we have risen. Our significant others do not have the benefit of 20/20 hindsight.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 374
Congrats on the 11 months! You said that you recently told her that you hadn't been sober through the first stint of AA. In my mind, that is the date that she now sees as you being sober, not the past 11 months. I think her world was shaken a bit and that she doesn't know what to believe and is asking these questions now because she didn't think to ask them before, as she thought you were in AA. I am not saying its right...but I get that she is concerned, and doesn't want to be fooled again. Your actions will soon prove her misgivings are unwarranted.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 251
I get that once in awhile and it's a question we earned from our past behavior. I never lied about my drinking to anyone. If someone didn't like me drinking they didn't have to be part of my life now I have the same attitude about not drinking if you don't like me sober move along. I'm loving it. There's days I'm happy and content and some think the only possible reason is that I had to be drinking...sucks to be them and have such a narrow view
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by Ellay
Congrats on the 11 months! You said that you recently told her that you hadn't been sober through the first stint of AA. In my mind, that is the date that she now sees as you being sober, not the past 11 months. I think her world was shaken a bit and that she doesn't know what to believe and is asking these questions now because she didn't think to ask them before, as she thought you were in AA. I am not saying its right...but I get that she is concerned, and doesn't want to be fooled again. Your actions will soon prove her misgivings are unwarranted.
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