expectations
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Olney, MD
Posts: 268
expectations
I have been thinking a lot on my resentments and thinking about them as expectations I had that weren't met.
Paramount is my feelings toward MIL. I thought she was a trustworthy person, someone who really cared and had my back. I sort of realize I was looking for a surrogate family, or surrogate parents that would love and nurture me like my own parents couldn't. When she showed she was untrustworthy and not who I thought she was........yeah, lots of resentment. So what does that say about ME? About the people I choose to be vulnerable like that with? RAH too. This makes me even sadder in fact. My judgement is obviously terrible in this arena. So it's kind of making me feel bad about myself, that I wasn't smarter, or more astute or whatever.
But what about the childhood stuff? I think any child has the expectation that their parents will love, nurture, and guide them and abviously not be drunk and abusive. I didn't choose that. I mean I know as an adult there are just certain things I can't go to them with and that makes me kind of sad. And very alone. Like unmoored in a very rough sea. Idk. Turning my resentments around on myself has been eye opening but very sad. I am a very unwell person and after 34 years, jeez what do I have to show for it? I still feel like a scared kid.
Paramount is my feelings toward MIL. I thought she was a trustworthy person, someone who really cared and had my back. I sort of realize I was looking for a surrogate family, or surrogate parents that would love and nurture me like my own parents couldn't. When she showed she was untrustworthy and not who I thought she was........yeah, lots of resentment. So what does that say about ME? About the people I choose to be vulnerable like that with? RAH too. This makes me even sadder in fact. My judgement is obviously terrible in this arena. So it's kind of making me feel bad about myself, that I wasn't smarter, or more astute or whatever.
But what about the childhood stuff? I think any child has the expectation that their parents will love, nurture, and guide them and abviously not be drunk and abusive. I didn't choose that. I mean I know as an adult there are just certain things I can't go to them with and that makes me kind of sad. And very alone. Like unmoored in a very rough sea. Idk. Turning my resentments around on myself has been eye opening but very sad. I am a very unwell person and after 34 years, jeez what do I have to show for it? I still feel like a scared kid.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Terp my sweet. Don't you have a good career where you help take care of others? Dont you belong to a sorority that has been a great social network of support and friendship beyond your college years?
So you picked substitute parents and your picker was not exactly correct when it picked an addict. Well that is what you knew, right? That is what felt comfortable. And perhaps at some level you thought you could re-live your childhood by connecting with his parent and save him somehow.
You are brave to see the deeper waves beneath your choices, resentments and expectations. Talk it over with your therapist on how to re-parent yourself.
You are doing good work.
So you picked substitute parents and your picker was not exactly correct when it picked an addict. Well that is what you knew, right? That is what felt comfortable. And perhaps at some level you thought you could re-live your childhood by connecting with his parent and save him somehow.
You are brave to see the deeper waves beneath your choices, resentments and expectations. Talk it over with your therapist on how to re-parent yourself.
You are doing good work.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Terp. Don't be so hard on yourself. Trusting shouldn't be a given gift. Trust is earned. If they fail in earning that, learn from it and move on armed with a lesson.
Some people consider me callous, but I trust noone. But everyone gets a chance to earn my trust. I tried it the other way around and I got burned way more that way.
Some people consider me callous, but I trust noone. But everyone gets a chance to earn my trust. I tried it the other way around and I got burned way more that way.
Baby Steps
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 1,689
Hi TerpGal, firstly it says nothing about you or your judgement, you wanted a loving family who would provide you with support and love but they couldnt, that says more about them and their limitations than it does about you!
Secondly, childhood trauma are you working with a counsellor about this? Im currently looking at my childhood at the minute and how it has impacted and directly infleunced the decisions I made to marry my ex, stay with him for so long and put up with how he treated me. Hard to talk about but necessary to help me recover!!
((((((Hugs)))))))
Secondly, childhood trauma are you working with a counsellor about this? Im currently looking at my childhood at the minute and how it has impacted and directly infleunced the decisions I made to marry my ex, stay with him for so long and put up with how he treated me. Hard to talk about but necessary to help me recover!!
((((((Hugs)))))))
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TerpGal....we can feel like a "scared kid" at any age.......
Someone,here, (cant' remember who) used to have a quote on all of their posts.
"There is seldom coming to reality without pain".
I do believe this is true. It seems that any time we have been living in denial or ignorance, or whatever.....and then pull back the the curtains to the light of day---what it reveals can be verrry daunting!
Like in family of origin work in therapy....sometimes necessary to give us back our lives...but, can be agonizing at times. It is the "necessary pain".
Or, like the alcoholic who finally starts REALLY working the program...and, sees, for the first time, the pain and damage that their drinking caused others...it brings them to their knees.
I just think that as various times in all of our lives there will be "necessary pain". I always call it: short-term pain for long-term gain.
I think that it is always a personal act of bravery to dare to ask ourselves: "what part did I play? where have I been deficient? was any of this my fault?" (Even if we were not aware of it at the time). It takes a brave person to do that....
If we were raised in a very judgemental environment or we were unduly criticized, growing up, it is really scarey to admit to any weakness on our part....
dandylion
***my grandma called it "growing pains"
Someone,here, (cant' remember who) used to have a quote on all of their posts.
"There is seldom coming to reality without pain".
I do believe this is true. It seems that any time we have been living in denial or ignorance, or whatever.....and then pull back the the curtains to the light of day---what it reveals can be verrry daunting!
Like in family of origin work in therapy....sometimes necessary to give us back our lives...but, can be agonizing at times. It is the "necessary pain".
Or, like the alcoholic who finally starts REALLY working the program...and, sees, for the first time, the pain and damage that their drinking caused others...it brings them to their knees.
I just think that as various times in all of our lives there will be "necessary pain". I always call it: short-term pain for long-term gain.
I think that it is always a personal act of bravery to dare to ask ourselves: "what part did I play? where have I been deficient? was any of this my fault?" (Even if we were not aware of it at the time). It takes a brave person to do that....
If we were raised in a very judgemental environment or we were unduly criticized, growing up, it is really scarey to admit to any weakness on our part....
dandylion
***my grandma called it "growing pains"
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,236
Thank you TerpGal for sharing. I appreciate
the courage and strength you have within
you to come here to share your struggles.
Struggles I also have had within me too
and to know that I am never alone, because
there has always been someone else that
has gone thru same, similar situations in
life and with others as I have.
Im 56 and my childhood as well as my
adulthood sounds so similar as yours. A
child growing up in a middle class family
back in the day, singled out amongst 3
other siblings to be verbally, physically,
emotionally abuse at the hand of a sick
parent.
Then to grow up with my own children
and looking at my own mother in law
for understanding, communication,
a parent figure to trust and depend
on for that emotional support.
Ive been in recovery for 24 yrs now
and have since remarried leaving behind
the insanity or craziness and all that
heavy baggage that came with that
marriage, including MIL and all IL's. Whew..!!!!
Today, for me, I have moved on, distant
myself from all those who kept me in my
own emotional illness. I needed to separate
myself from all that so I could grow into a
healthier, happy and honest person I can
possibly be in recovery and life.
All those people that played a part in
my past, may have given me a little
something to help me move on. A reason
to grow stronger, more dependant, more
secure, within myself.
I drank till I was 30 and entered recovery.
I struggled each day learning to get healthy
with my recovery program and use it to
my own advantage to grow and mature
a little bit more each day.
Sure, I still feel like a little girl at times,
but hey, Im okay with it, because in my
faith, I believe my HP, God of my understanding
loves all and mostly little children. I often
imagine myself as a little girl sitting on the
lap of Jesus under a huge tree, as He listens
and smiles intentively to me.
The care, understanding, forgiveness,
acceptance I so desperately need and
there it is with Him giving me that. Ive
gain strength and courage to grow into
the woman He wants me to be.
Just knowing and believing that, then
I can leave the resentments behind me
that I copped with family members and
remain sober with Faith, maturity, health,
happiness, understanding and acceptance.
It's all a learning process that's achievable
one day at a time. It's a good feeling to smile
about.
the courage and strength you have within
you to come here to share your struggles.
Struggles I also have had within me too
and to know that I am never alone, because
there has always been someone else that
has gone thru same, similar situations in
life and with others as I have.
Im 56 and my childhood as well as my
adulthood sounds so similar as yours. A
child growing up in a middle class family
back in the day, singled out amongst 3
other siblings to be verbally, physically,
emotionally abuse at the hand of a sick
parent.
Then to grow up with my own children
and looking at my own mother in law
for understanding, communication,
a parent figure to trust and depend
on for that emotional support.
Ive been in recovery for 24 yrs now
and have since remarried leaving behind
the insanity or craziness and all that
heavy baggage that came with that
marriage, including MIL and all IL's. Whew..!!!!
Today, for me, I have moved on, distant
myself from all those who kept me in my
own emotional illness. I needed to separate
myself from all that so I could grow into a
healthier, happy and honest person I can
possibly be in recovery and life.
All those people that played a part in
my past, may have given me a little
something to help me move on. A reason
to grow stronger, more dependant, more
secure, within myself.
I drank till I was 30 and entered recovery.
I struggled each day learning to get healthy
with my recovery program and use it to
my own advantage to grow and mature
a little bit more each day.
Sure, I still feel like a little girl at times,
but hey, Im okay with it, because in my
faith, I believe my HP, God of my understanding
loves all and mostly little children. I often
imagine myself as a little girl sitting on the
lap of Jesus under a huge tree, as He listens
and smiles intentively to me.
The care, understanding, forgiveness,
acceptance I so desperately need and
there it is with Him giving me that. Ive
gain strength and courage to grow into
the woman He wants me to be.
Just knowing and believing that, then
I can leave the resentments behind me
that I copped with family members and
remain sober with Faith, maturity, health,
happiness, understanding and acceptance.
It's all a learning process that's achievable
one day at a time. It's a good feeling to smile
about.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
Terp, all it says is you didn't know any better. Resentments are hard to deal with because it requires us to take a look at ourselves. We are then faced with accepting our own faults and shortcomings. If you owe an amends make it and move on. If you don't learn what you can and let it go.
My greatest recovery strides were made after I learned about ACOA which also includes dysfunctional families. It helped me face and accept the abnormal way I functioned in the world and to make strides to correct those behaviors that served to protect me as a child but were completely wrong in functioning as an adult. You may want to look into it. There is a forum here for ACoA.
My greatest recovery strides were made after I learned about ACOA which also includes dysfunctional families. It helped me face and accept the abnormal way I functioned in the world and to make strides to correct those behaviors that served to protect me as a child but were completely wrong in functioning as an adult. You may want to look into it. There is a forum here for ACoA.
Guest
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 1,022
Your post resonated with negative self-talk. You are mad at yourself. One of the things I have REALLY had to come to terms with is that when people manipulated me and succeeded it was NOT my fault when I took the bait.
I was not educated. I didn't know what they were doing to me. I was in la la land about abuse, addiction, ....oh yeah did I mention abuse? I was always SOOOO mad at myself for staying all those years or turning their abuse into self-doubt and self-loathing.
BUT here is the kicker...NOW I AM educated. NOW I know better. Am I ALWAYS going to make good choices in this area of my life...hell no. I'm sure I'll stumble many times along the way..but the POINT is that I'm picking myself back up. I'm analyzing what went wrong and how I can keep myself from being fooled again. I'm not beating ME up over it...that would be self-defeating.
I hope this makes sense girlie. Take care
I was not educated. I didn't know what they were doing to me. I was in la la land about abuse, addiction, ....oh yeah did I mention abuse? I was always SOOOO mad at myself for staying all those years or turning their abuse into self-doubt and self-loathing.
BUT here is the kicker...NOW I AM educated. NOW I know better. Am I ALWAYS going to make good choices in this area of my life...hell no. I'm sure I'll stumble many times along the way..but the POINT is that I'm picking myself back up. I'm analyzing what went wrong and how I can keep myself from being fooled again. I'm not beating ME up over it...that would be self-defeating.
I hope this makes sense girlie. Take care
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 46
The childhood stuff... I am sorry your upbringing was less than ideal. No child deserves to feel unloved. I think Eddiebuckle said it best in your prior thread. It's about letting go. Eddiebuckle's words (only part of his post): "Forgiveness is letting go of the expectation we had and ceasing to hold the person culpable for that past expectation. Until we let go, we can not move forward."
Unfortunately, as adults, it becomes our responsibility to resolve all the emotions stemming from our past. Otherwise, the past continues to have a hold on us. The past still might have a hold on you. The key is to free yourself of it. You can do it. It's a process, but the gift you give yourself is peace and strength. Hang in there.
Unfortunately, as adults, it becomes our responsibility to resolve all the emotions stemming from our past. Otherwise, the past continues to have a hold on us. The past still might have a hold on you. The key is to free yourself of it. You can do it. It's a process, but the gift you give yourself is peace and strength. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
Hi, Terpgirl. I, too, have gone through a similar struggle. Both of my parents were physically, emotionally, and verbally abusive towards me. I have a younger brother, and I remember my heart breaking when I asked him if our parents beat him like they did me, and he said "no". When I became an adult, I confronted my parents about it, and they claimed I abused THEM. Uh...ok, so beating my head against the floor when I had boys over when I was 14 is not abuse? Dragging me off the bed for being on the phone when I was 24 isn't abuse? Telling me "I'd better not gain any weight" isn't abuse? Is it any wonder I've been in two seriously abusive intimate relationships? When I did meet a nice guy, I didn't feel worthy, so I broke up with them.
Flash forward to my own relationship with my AXBF's mother...who herself was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. When our son was born, and before I said anything to anyone about my AXBF's drinking and behavior towards me, she was all sweetness and light. Then when I left him the first time, I sent her, along with a few other people in his family, an email detailing how he acted towards me. She didn't believe me, and that entire side of my son's genetic line hates me because I left him. Then when I left him the second time, and he was stalking me and sabotaging my new relationship with a nice guy, she sent me a text telling ME to leave HIM alone. His brother contacted me through my company's facebook page telling me the same thing. becuae somehow it is MY FAULT that HER SON is an abusive a-hole. And yeah...I did expect her to support me a little bit, because she should know her son, she had been in a similar situation, and I was taking on the entire burden of raising our son because he was always drunk. How many nights did I wake up in a ****-soaked bed because he was too wasted to wake up? An embarrassing amount. But still, in their deluded minds, it was MY fault.
If you stay around toxic situations like that, you begin to believe the bs. And it is very difficult to pull yourself out of that. But I did it, and you're doing it. Yeah, we went through some horrible ordeals, but we've learned from them, and thus have become stronger. So please...don't be so hard on yourself. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
Flash forward to my own relationship with my AXBF's mother...who herself was in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic. When our son was born, and before I said anything to anyone about my AXBF's drinking and behavior towards me, she was all sweetness and light. Then when I left him the first time, I sent her, along with a few other people in his family, an email detailing how he acted towards me. She didn't believe me, and that entire side of my son's genetic line hates me because I left him. Then when I left him the second time, and he was stalking me and sabotaging my new relationship with a nice guy, she sent me a text telling ME to leave HIM alone. His brother contacted me through my company's facebook page telling me the same thing. becuae somehow it is MY FAULT that HER SON is an abusive a-hole. And yeah...I did expect her to support me a little bit, because she should know her son, she had been in a similar situation, and I was taking on the entire burden of raising our son because he was always drunk. How many nights did I wake up in a ****-soaked bed because he was too wasted to wake up? An embarrassing amount. But still, in their deluded minds, it was MY fault.
If you stay around toxic situations like that, you begin to believe the bs. And it is very difficult to pull yourself out of that. But I did it, and you're doing it. Yeah, we went through some horrible ordeals, but we've learned from them, and thus have become stronger. So please...don't be so hard on yourself. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
When I began looking at myself, taking responsibility for my choices and decisions, I felt similar sadness. But I believe this is one of the most important steps in recovery ... realizing I had to change if I want a happy life. Alanon and cognitive therapy were the process of change and growth and I'll be working on myself until I draw my last breath. Thank God for the tools......
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
This is why I'm still here.
All of a sudden, someone has an insight in recovery that helps me take my next step. Thank you, TerpGal!
I've also blamed myself for putting my trust in the wrong people. I came at it from another direction than you did -- I grew up in a loving, doting, adoring family and always felt like I was loved unconditionally... so I never realized that there was another option. I thought I was lovable and that what the people that populated my childhood had been like was what everyone was like. I didn't understand that there are users and mean and hurt and deviant people out there who aren't easily identified by horns, tails, and pitchforks. In fact, they look like everyone else. I thought somehow that if someone looked normal to me, they were a kind, loving person.
Therefore -- I also blamed myself for trusting the wrong people. I was stupid. I should have known better.
I think I'm coming to the conclusion that... it's nobler to trust the wrong people than to be those wrong people who violate another person's trust. That it's OK to be naive and trust people you shouldn't. That it hurts like all hell, but it doesn't make you a bad or stupid person.
I am somewhat sad to say that I've become a lot more protective of myself post-alcoholic-marriage. I don't trust the way I used to. I am much more protective of my feelings. But I still allow myself to be vulnerable with the wrong people, and I still get hurt and disappointed. Not to the extent that I'd marry another abusive addict (I'm remarried to a solid, some would say boring, man with both feet firmly planted in the ground) but I still trust people who end up letting me down. I've decided that... that's just life. And I can't go through life being suspicious of everyone. (I'm only suspicious of 95% of the people I meet now...
)
I don't know if any of that was relevant to you, but it's what your post made me think of.
All of a sudden, someone has an insight in recovery that helps me take my next step. Thank you, TerpGal!
I've also blamed myself for putting my trust in the wrong people. I came at it from another direction than you did -- I grew up in a loving, doting, adoring family and always felt like I was loved unconditionally... so I never realized that there was another option. I thought I was lovable and that what the people that populated my childhood had been like was what everyone was like. I didn't understand that there are users and mean and hurt and deviant people out there who aren't easily identified by horns, tails, and pitchforks. In fact, they look like everyone else. I thought somehow that if someone looked normal to me, they were a kind, loving person.
Therefore -- I also blamed myself for trusting the wrong people. I was stupid. I should have known better.
I think I'm coming to the conclusion that... it's nobler to trust the wrong people than to be those wrong people who violate another person's trust. That it's OK to be naive and trust people you shouldn't. That it hurts like all hell, but it doesn't make you a bad or stupid person.
I am somewhat sad to say that I've become a lot more protective of myself post-alcoholic-marriage. I don't trust the way I used to. I am much more protective of my feelings. But I still allow myself to be vulnerable with the wrong people, and I still get hurt and disappointed. Not to the extent that I'd marry another abusive addict (I'm remarried to a solid, some would say boring, man with both feet firmly planted in the ground) but I still trust people who end up letting me down. I've decided that... that's just life. And I can't go through life being suspicious of everyone. (I'm only suspicious of 95% of the people I meet now...
)I don't know if any of that was relevant to you, but it's what your post made me think of.
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