Am I Lingering?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Am I Lingering?
UGH...I think I'm lingering and I don't know if it's because it's not the moment, or if I'm just a chicken. But I'm definitely lingering.
My bf hasn't used drugs or alcohol during the five years of our relationship. In fact, he is clean for over 13 years. He goes to meetings most days. He has a sponsor. He has a supportive network of clean and sober friends. So drugs and alcohol are no longer his problem...but...
he's still such a daggone addict! In so many ways! My deal with him is that he must either attend work or school full-time to live in my house. I have the same deal with my adult son. How inappropriate for me to have "deals" with a 35-year-old man.
For the past 6 months, he dropped out of school, citing lack of motivation. He subsists on his disability check, as he has severe brain damage and motor problems from a stroke (yes, we think it probably happened because he was using, before I knew him).
He pays rent, half of his check, which is about $300. I pay all the rest of the $1,860 monthly mortgage on my water-front home, car repairs, gas, electric, phone, cable, internet, food, and all the rest. He uses all these resources equally with me and my adult son. I have a full time government career for over 20 years now, and, on the side, I have an internet shop where I sell my self-created patterns, unique stuffed animals and handmade jewelry. So I'm super-busy and happy in my own life.
I would never expect him to make or do what I do with my normal brain and motor skills. All I want to see from him is positive attitude and continual growth, which is what I expect from myself and my adult son.
What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What is wrong with me? Ugh.
My bf hasn't used drugs or alcohol during the five years of our relationship. In fact, he is clean for over 13 years. He goes to meetings most days. He has a sponsor. He has a supportive network of clean and sober friends. So drugs and alcohol are no longer his problem...but...
he's still such a daggone addict! In so many ways! My deal with him is that he must either attend work or school full-time to live in my house. I have the same deal with my adult son. How inappropriate for me to have "deals" with a 35-year-old man.
For the past 6 months, he dropped out of school, citing lack of motivation. He subsists on his disability check, as he has severe brain damage and motor problems from a stroke (yes, we think it probably happened because he was using, before I knew him).
He pays rent, half of his check, which is about $300. I pay all the rest of the $1,860 monthly mortgage on my water-front home, car repairs, gas, electric, phone, cable, internet, food, and all the rest. He uses all these resources equally with me and my adult son. I have a full time government career for over 20 years now, and, on the side, I have an internet shop where I sell my self-created patterns, unique stuffed animals and handmade jewelry. So I'm super-busy and happy in my own life.
I would never expect him to make or do what I do with my normal brain and motor skills. All I want to see from him is positive attitude and continual growth, which is what I expect from myself and my adult son.
What am I doing? Why am I doing it? What is wrong with me? Ugh.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
well, tell him that. Here's a start -
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have a positive attitude and a forward plan. For the last 6 months you have not met my requirements of work or schooling. I personally feel these are critical for human happiness and connectedness, not just the income or opportunities. Here's my written notice of eviction (if you need such legal stuff to extricate him from your home).
The longer you linger, the harder it is to reassert boundaries. Good luck to you!
I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have a positive attitude and a forward plan. For the last 6 months you have not met my requirements of work or schooling. I personally feel these are critical for human happiness and connectedness, not just the income or opportunities. Here's my written notice of eviction (if you need such legal stuff to extricate him from your home).
The longer you linger, the harder it is to reassert boundaries. Good luck to you!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Tough one. I can try and see both sides here.
From his side:
I was in a head on car crash and was laid up for 9 months. I have a loss of certain mental skills. I have lost a concept of time and have gaps in my memory of years that never existed before. I also struggle at math skills where I never struggled before. I get very frustrated sometimes. I at times get exhausted with that frustration. In fact when I went back to school into Med School, I struggled with math that I had already been taught years before. It was what held me back from continuing my chosen field. I would need to settle for something less. That was a lot of hard work to come to that point. So that is the side I see for him. To some extent. As to his lack of motivation etc., I am not in his head, but for a lot of men, we are wired to be productive. Working, providing, doing. If he can't do that, it may mentally depress him. IDK and I am NOT making excuses for him and his actions. Just trying to shed light on possible origins.
Now to your side:
He has a mental deficiency from your description, regardless of where that came from you recognize this. You don't say if this was present when you met or if it (the stroke) happened after you met. Harder to deal with if it happened since knowing him.
Let's discuss numbers. $600 for disability isn't much. I assume this is SS disability? Maybe he can go back and appeal that amount. Unless he is pseudo faking this and is lucky to get what he is getting already. Again IDK the facts here. But I am pretty sure full disability is more than $600/month.
But how about you view it this way? If he wasn't living there, would you be spending $300 less a month? Or how about, since he can't pay a fair share of rent can he contribute to your household with services provided? Clean the house, cook the meals, tend to the hundreds of things needed to live these days. In other words, take the load off of you some?
Now from a perspective of how a judge would look at this. Humor me here, I'm not saying this is a lawsuit I am just trying to make a point. It isn't his fault you pay $1860/month on a mortgage. He is willfully giving over $300 a month. Cheap rent no matter where you live these days. He is probably HUGELY grateful he can live with you, but it is a standard you have set. If he wasn't living there, you'd still be paying what you pay. The point of this paragraph is to show you, take the money out of this equation. If its about how much he cost you, try reversing financial roles.
Now we get down to. Is he providing enough upside in your life to be worth him there in the state of mind he is in? Because I hate to say it but you may already be in a geographic state where this is considered a common law marriage and you can't simply ask him to leave. He may in fact be able to sue you for alimony etc as you have already allowed the standard to be set for 5 years now. At the least you may have to evict him (sad but true in some states). If you start that, he gets to live there for free while that winds thru the courts.
Can you sit down and talk to him about maybe doing more around the house to help you out? Maybe make some headway there that will help you recalibrate your thinking here? This could also help him feel more useful and productive.
Like I said, tough one. I am not making light of this or trying to make this sound like a simple solution. But you kind of allowed this from day one to some extent. That is an issue you need to work out with you on your terms. In your case a Damsel in shining armor saving a fallen knight.
From his side:
I was in a head on car crash and was laid up for 9 months. I have a loss of certain mental skills. I have lost a concept of time and have gaps in my memory of years that never existed before. I also struggle at math skills where I never struggled before. I get very frustrated sometimes. I at times get exhausted with that frustration. In fact when I went back to school into Med School, I struggled with math that I had already been taught years before. It was what held me back from continuing my chosen field. I would need to settle for something less. That was a lot of hard work to come to that point. So that is the side I see for him. To some extent. As to his lack of motivation etc., I am not in his head, but for a lot of men, we are wired to be productive. Working, providing, doing. If he can't do that, it may mentally depress him. IDK and I am NOT making excuses for him and his actions. Just trying to shed light on possible origins.
Now to your side:
He has a mental deficiency from your description, regardless of where that came from you recognize this. You don't say if this was present when you met or if it (the stroke) happened after you met. Harder to deal with if it happened since knowing him.
Let's discuss numbers. $600 for disability isn't much. I assume this is SS disability? Maybe he can go back and appeal that amount. Unless he is pseudo faking this and is lucky to get what he is getting already. Again IDK the facts here. But I am pretty sure full disability is more than $600/month.
But how about you view it this way? If he wasn't living there, would you be spending $300 less a month? Or how about, since he can't pay a fair share of rent can he contribute to your household with services provided? Clean the house, cook the meals, tend to the hundreds of things needed to live these days. In other words, take the load off of you some?
Now from a perspective of how a judge would look at this. Humor me here, I'm not saying this is a lawsuit I am just trying to make a point. It isn't his fault you pay $1860/month on a mortgage. He is willfully giving over $300 a month. Cheap rent no matter where you live these days. He is probably HUGELY grateful he can live with you, but it is a standard you have set. If he wasn't living there, you'd still be paying what you pay. The point of this paragraph is to show you, take the money out of this equation. If its about how much he cost you, try reversing financial roles.
Now we get down to. Is he providing enough upside in your life to be worth him there in the state of mind he is in? Because I hate to say it but you may already be in a geographic state where this is considered a common law marriage and you can't simply ask him to leave. He may in fact be able to sue you for alimony etc as you have already allowed the standard to be set for 5 years now. At the least you may have to evict him (sad but true in some states). If you start that, he gets to live there for free while that winds thru the courts.
Can you sit down and talk to him about maybe doing more around the house to help you out? Maybe make some headway there that will help you recalibrate your thinking here? This could also help him feel more useful and productive.
Like I said, tough one. I am not making light of this or trying to make this sound like a simple solution. But you kind of allowed this from day one to some extent. That is an issue you need to work out with you on your terms. In your case a Damsel in shining armor saving a fallen knight.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Thanks for your input. We don't have common-law marriage in Maryland, thank God. He had the disability, though he is able to hide it a bit until you really watch him and know him for awhile. Then you see how much stuff he stumbles with. But that doesn't bother me. If he would just try hard, I'd be fine with his limitations. I know he'll never drive a car or get a And yes, I've often sat him down and said "Look, I know you can't help out much with our bills, but certainly, you are almost as capable as I am at housework. Vacuum, dust, clean the kitchen and bathrooms, etc. Do the yard work. Take out the trash." So far, he always says "yes, that's fair. I'll do more, since you are at work all the time." And then he just...doesn't do it. I get home, the house looks the same, so I ask why he didn't accomplish any housework. Almost always he says "I forgot." Sometimes that's the problem, but really, the dirty kitchen dishes are not easy to forget, are they?
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