Not Sure Why I'm Really Here... My Story
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2
Not Sure Why I'm Really Here... My Story
I'm really not sure why I signed up here. In most respects, I appreciate the beauty of anonymity this platform offers. Obviously, I'm new here, but I wouldn't consider myself as having exactly a drinking problem in the most general sense, but maybe I'm being dishonest with myself.
Some facts: Roughly eight percent of the population has the disease of alcoholism. Estimates of alcohol abusers put their number between 27 and 35 percent or about one-third give or take. However, a historical poll indicated that more than two-thirds of the population has admitted to using alcohol in a way that is defined as alcohol abuse.
Alcohol abuse (problem drinkers) is not the same as alcoholism (drinking problem). Alcoholism is a disease with a genetic foundation, alcohol abuse is a social disorder. An alcohol abuser can stop but won't... and alcoholic wants to stop but cannot.
I would classify myself correctly or incorrectly depending who you ask as somewhere in between. I enjoy drinking and the socializing that comes along with it, but I can stop and have stop albeit with every intention of having a drink again.
I grew up with an alcoholic father who drank excessively every night after working his borderline 2nd/3rd shift. He was the type of drinker that would never miss work, never miss dropping me off at school as a kid, never miss chores such as laundry, yard work, home improvements, etc, or miss any events planned on the calendar due to alcohol. He operated and functioned completely normal in that respect, but as far as moods and demeanor, he was very erratic as expected. He was a complete loner even with the way he acted with my mother which caused their marriage to suffer. He had no real friends and he preferred it that way. Through the years, he remained secluded from everyone, kept to himself, and opted to stay home any chance he had to drink by himself. It didn't help that my mother didn't drink at all, so the dynamic was very odd.
As I grew up through high school and into college, I never really drank excessively at all. I would say for me it began after college between the ages of 26-27 where it became a bit more apparent that my behavior while drinking and mostly when it was binge drinking which was happening more often than ever became erratic as well just like my father. When my then fiance got pregnant, it forced me to settle down quite a bit. I was turning 28. Through her pregnancy and the first 6 months after my child was born, I was drinking very light or none at all, but things began to unravel a bit. I was promoted at work which obviously is a great thing, but my commute changed from 25 minutes daily to 3 hours per day in the city. On top of that we were in the mist of coordinating our wedding that was set for a little after mid year of that year, so between trying to save up enough money to pay for that and doing all the planning, and having a newborn, and living with her parents, it became somewhat of a recipe for the ultimate stress. I eventually found myself drinking on the train back home every day from work and not sleeping much. It's weird that throughout my life, there has been many highs and lows with drinking as far as amounts. On my birthday that year (2 months before our wedding), my then fiance threw me this great birthday party at this pub. Great showing, shots were flowing, and I ended up throwing up everywhere in the bathroom and passing out on the table. Safe to say it was an early night, my fiance drove me home to her parents house where we were staying. I crawled up to the bathroom and passed out. I woke up a few hours later and crawled into bed where I slept for maybe 3 hours. A buddy came over shortly and we finished about 15 beers each and continued the binge drinking from the night before. After that weekend, I spent 2 days completely detoxing since I was hungover as ever and told myself, I would never do that again since I felt like death. Sure enough the day before my wedding, I got bombed, threw up everywhere again at the night cap, but that's expected right? On the day of our wedding, my wife told me that she didn't want me to be drunk at all. That was extremely tough, but I complied. I had a few shots, and 1 beer the entire time through the morning ceremony to pay tribute to our parents traditions then the church ceremony and through the reception. It wasn't until we made it back to the hotel where we had the post party, where I got bombed. Sounds like a broken record, but this was becoming the norm especially after our wedding and after we bought and moved into our new house.
So why type up this extensive story? Well, I think it provides context of the progression of my drinking and how it evolved to where it is today. The back to back binges through the night and day became more common. I found myself drinking daily and not because I couldn't stop myself, but because I chose to. It was my desire to drink and enjoy myself. I had the mindset that life's short and if I wanted to have a few beers here and there I will, but soon I was realizing that each time I drank, I needed and wanted to get a buzz. It was like this was becoming my escape from reality whether because of a tough day at work, an argument with the wife, etc. It was becoming more of a common thing. I started making it more of a priority, so if we were headed to parties or events, I would want to get there early to start early. Me and my wife would get into arguments and the next day I wouldn't remember any of it, or I would pick an argument with her in the moment, and the next day not understand why I was upset. My performance at work suffered a bit as well. I was still performing at a respectable level, but not at the same high standards I set for myself. I was also having set backs at the gym in terms of strength and gains. Throughout this all, I have always been a workout junkie, but for people that are similar in this respect can understand that it is not fun at all trying to put yourself through a vigorous workout hung over and sweating vodka or alcohol. I was beginning to hit rock bottom. I would still make it to the gym, but less frequent, and it was becoming less productive. I was striving just to maintain decent strength and shape. My marriage was on the brink from the constant arguing and my apparent preferences to put drinking first.
At the age of 33, I decided to stop cold turkey to take the 60 day challenge of abstaining while having a full liquor cabinet, stocked beer in the fridge, and tons of wine at my house.
I never felt like alcohol had a control over me though one slight bit. I always had a desire to drink because I choose to and because I enjoyed using it as a mechanism to socialize. I think my challenge was understanding the moderation aspect of it and through my progressions with drinking through the years, I lost touch of it.
I'm 52 days in and counting and as each day passes, I have less desire to return to drinking. The first 7 days, I was irritable and I was hungry all the time. Through the first 14 days, I had dreams of making plans with friends to drink, but never actually drank with them, but I would wake up in a frantic state feeling disappointed in myself which was all odd in itself. From day 15 through day 30, I felt amazing. My workouts were the best it's been in years and my gains across the board were fantastic. My sleeping cycle returned back to normal and my overall general sense of happiness was more present. I also found myself to be a lot more sharper and crisp in my thinking which translated into both my personal and work life. My communication and relationship with my wife improved tremendously. Through this whole process, I didn't change my routine, I did everything the same minus the alcohol, so I hung out with the same friends and I went out to bars and restaurants with them, continued to have people over. During all of these events I never drank. What motivated even more was when I told friends and family that I was doing a 60 day detox, they made comments like yeah right, never going to happen, you wont make it, which told me something that I was maybe too blind to see. Changes needed to be made. Also, I never realized how often you say no or turn down a drink and repeatedly might I add. How prevalent drinking has become. You also start realizing, hey are my friends friends or drinking buddies right? It really puts things in perspective.
All in all this was one of the best decision I've made going though this challenge/exercise. It's really cleared my head, restored myself physically and mentally, and re-established that internal regulator in me that's been missing.
I can't say that I will never drink again after these 60 days, but the lesson this has taught me is restraint and the responsibility in taking ownership of yourself whether you can do it on your own or with the help of a kind soul.
I'm not sure anyone will ever read this since I know it's much longer than many can stomach, but I just want to say thank you for this platform and the support here. Even if no one reads this, it has given me the opportunity to vent and put it down in writing, so I can re-read and see my contradictions. Almost like self therapy.
Good Night All and Good Luck in your battle.
Some facts: Roughly eight percent of the population has the disease of alcoholism. Estimates of alcohol abusers put their number between 27 and 35 percent or about one-third give or take. However, a historical poll indicated that more than two-thirds of the population has admitted to using alcohol in a way that is defined as alcohol abuse.
Alcohol abuse (problem drinkers) is not the same as alcoholism (drinking problem). Alcoholism is a disease with a genetic foundation, alcohol abuse is a social disorder. An alcohol abuser can stop but won't... and alcoholic wants to stop but cannot.
I would classify myself correctly or incorrectly depending who you ask as somewhere in between. I enjoy drinking and the socializing that comes along with it, but I can stop and have stop albeit with every intention of having a drink again.
I grew up with an alcoholic father who drank excessively every night after working his borderline 2nd/3rd shift. He was the type of drinker that would never miss work, never miss dropping me off at school as a kid, never miss chores such as laundry, yard work, home improvements, etc, or miss any events planned on the calendar due to alcohol. He operated and functioned completely normal in that respect, but as far as moods and demeanor, he was very erratic as expected. He was a complete loner even with the way he acted with my mother which caused their marriage to suffer. He had no real friends and he preferred it that way. Through the years, he remained secluded from everyone, kept to himself, and opted to stay home any chance he had to drink by himself. It didn't help that my mother didn't drink at all, so the dynamic was very odd.
As I grew up through high school and into college, I never really drank excessively at all. I would say for me it began after college between the ages of 26-27 where it became a bit more apparent that my behavior while drinking and mostly when it was binge drinking which was happening more often than ever became erratic as well just like my father. When my then fiance got pregnant, it forced me to settle down quite a bit. I was turning 28. Through her pregnancy and the first 6 months after my child was born, I was drinking very light or none at all, but things began to unravel a bit. I was promoted at work which obviously is a great thing, but my commute changed from 25 minutes daily to 3 hours per day in the city. On top of that we were in the mist of coordinating our wedding that was set for a little after mid year of that year, so between trying to save up enough money to pay for that and doing all the planning, and having a newborn, and living with her parents, it became somewhat of a recipe for the ultimate stress. I eventually found myself drinking on the train back home every day from work and not sleeping much. It's weird that throughout my life, there has been many highs and lows with drinking as far as amounts. On my birthday that year (2 months before our wedding), my then fiance threw me this great birthday party at this pub. Great showing, shots were flowing, and I ended up throwing up everywhere in the bathroom and passing out on the table. Safe to say it was an early night, my fiance drove me home to her parents house where we were staying. I crawled up to the bathroom and passed out. I woke up a few hours later and crawled into bed where I slept for maybe 3 hours. A buddy came over shortly and we finished about 15 beers each and continued the binge drinking from the night before. After that weekend, I spent 2 days completely detoxing since I was hungover as ever and told myself, I would never do that again since I felt like death. Sure enough the day before my wedding, I got bombed, threw up everywhere again at the night cap, but that's expected right? On the day of our wedding, my wife told me that she didn't want me to be drunk at all. That was extremely tough, but I complied. I had a few shots, and 1 beer the entire time through the morning ceremony to pay tribute to our parents traditions then the church ceremony and through the reception. It wasn't until we made it back to the hotel where we had the post party, where I got bombed. Sounds like a broken record, but this was becoming the norm especially after our wedding and after we bought and moved into our new house.
So why type up this extensive story? Well, I think it provides context of the progression of my drinking and how it evolved to where it is today. The back to back binges through the night and day became more common. I found myself drinking daily and not because I couldn't stop myself, but because I chose to. It was my desire to drink and enjoy myself. I had the mindset that life's short and if I wanted to have a few beers here and there I will, but soon I was realizing that each time I drank, I needed and wanted to get a buzz. It was like this was becoming my escape from reality whether because of a tough day at work, an argument with the wife, etc. It was becoming more of a common thing. I started making it more of a priority, so if we were headed to parties or events, I would want to get there early to start early. Me and my wife would get into arguments and the next day I wouldn't remember any of it, or I would pick an argument with her in the moment, and the next day not understand why I was upset. My performance at work suffered a bit as well. I was still performing at a respectable level, but not at the same high standards I set for myself. I was also having set backs at the gym in terms of strength and gains. Throughout this all, I have always been a workout junkie, but for people that are similar in this respect can understand that it is not fun at all trying to put yourself through a vigorous workout hung over and sweating vodka or alcohol. I was beginning to hit rock bottom. I would still make it to the gym, but less frequent, and it was becoming less productive. I was striving just to maintain decent strength and shape. My marriage was on the brink from the constant arguing and my apparent preferences to put drinking first.
At the age of 33, I decided to stop cold turkey to take the 60 day challenge of abstaining while having a full liquor cabinet, stocked beer in the fridge, and tons of wine at my house.
I never felt like alcohol had a control over me though one slight bit. I always had a desire to drink because I choose to and because I enjoyed using it as a mechanism to socialize. I think my challenge was understanding the moderation aspect of it and through my progressions with drinking through the years, I lost touch of it.
I'm 52 days in and counting and as each day passes, I have less desire to return to drinking. The first 7 days, I was irritable and I was hungry all the time. Through the first 14 days, I had dreams of making plans with friends to drink, but never actually drank with them, but I would wake up in a frantic state feeling disappointed in myself which was all odd in itself. From day 15 through day 30, I felt amazing. My workouts were the best it's been in years and my gains across the board were fantastic. My sleeping cycle returned back to normal and my overall general sense of happiness was more present. I also found myself to be a lot more sharper and crisp in my thinking which translated into both my personal and work life. My communication and relationship with my wife improved tremendously. Through this whole process, I didn't change my routine, I did everything the same minus the alcohol, so I hung out with the same friends and I went out to bars and restaurants with them, continued to have people over. During all of these events I never drank. What motivated even more was when I told friends and family that I was doing a 60 day detox, they made comments like yeah right, never going to happen, you wont make it, which told me something that I was maybe too blind to see. Changes needed to be made. Also, I never realized how often you say no or turn down a drink and repeatedly might I add. How prevalent drinking has become. You also start realizing, hey are my friends friends or drinking buddies right? It really puts things in perspective.
All in all this was one of the best decision I've made going though this challenge/exercise. It's really cleared my head, restored myself physically and mentally, and re-established that internal regulator in me that's been missing.
I can't say that I will never drink again after these 60 days, but the lesson this has taught me is restraint and the responsibility in taking ownership of yourself whether you can do it on your own or with the help of a kind soul.
I'm not sure anyone will ever read this since I know it's much longer than many can stomach, but I just want to say thank you for this platform and the support here. Even if no one reads this, it has given me the opportunity to vent and put it down in writing, so I can re-read and see my contradictions. Almost like self therapy.
Good Night All and Good Luck in your battle.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!! Though my DOC (drug of choice) was different than alcohol, I can tell you this.
I wasn't totally sure that I wanted to quit, but I promised to give myself 6 months at working recovery with everything I had. I don't know at want point I realized it, but at some point I did realize I had no desire to go back to the life I'd been living.
SR was a HUGE part of this decision and I'm going on 8 years in recovery. I hope you read around and keep posting.
You have a GREAT life ahead of you without all the things that come with alcoholism. You don't have to repeat the life that your dad did, functional or not. This is YOUR life, you get to make the best of it!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I wasn't totally sure that I wanted to quit, but I promised to give myself 6 months at working recovery with everything I had. I don't know at want point I realized it, but at some point I did realize I had no desire to go back to the life I'd been living.
SR was a HUGE part of this decision and I'm going on 8 years in recovery. I hope you read around and keep posting.
You have a GREAT life ahead of you without all the things that come with alcoholism. You don't have to repeat the life that your dad did, functional or not. This is YOUR life, you get to make the best of it!
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Sober Soldier
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 1,911
Hi IntoWishin and welcome!
I can honestly tell you that if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want to go back to the drinking. Bodybuilding is my hobby and I know exactly what you mean with the whole trying to workout hungover and losing your gains. It was horrible!
You seem to have it going pretty good right now and you seem to realize that. I hope you let that guide where you go from here.
More power to you!
I can honestly tell you that if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't want to go back to the drinking. Bodybuilding is my hobby and I know exactly what you mean with the whole trying to workout hungover and losing your gains. It was horrible!
You seem to have it going pretty good right now and you seem to realize that. I hope you let that guide where you go from here.
More power to you!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Congrats on your sober time IntoWishin 
Personally I hope you do keep it up because the more years I'm sober the more I don;t miss drinking....I'm continually amazed at the great life I have, and essentially all I needed to do was stop drinking
D
Personally I hope you do keep it up because the more years I'm sober the more I don;t miss drinking....I'm continually amazed at the great life I have, and essentially all I needed to do was stop drinking
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 1,222
hi....well done on the 52 days......so much about what you write I resonate with. Our drinking history developed in a very similar way.
You feel confident now, good about yourself, can see things for what they are, you also have proved to yourself that you can stop the drink. Hey, you can go back to drinking in moderation because you have proved that you are not an alcoholic! Yay, cool!
I bet you are secretly practically counting the hours down to 60 days and your addiction has you right where it wants you. If you decided to do 90 days would that be a problem with you? Listen to your addiction try to talk you out of that. "What else will it prove? I have done 60 and I can quit anytime, its unnecessary, whats the problem in a few beers".
You have done an amazing job and you are very probably an alcoholic. Normal drinkers do not choose to drink daily. Normal drinkers don't do night and day binges. I know you are struggling with the stigma to call yourself an alcoholic. I can remember stumbling down to the pub in the morning after a bender thinking "I don't have to do this but I have a free day and I want to, its my choice, so its not problem". I would recommend staying off it for a year and see how you feel. You can only gain and you can enjoy listening to your addiction trying every possible trick to convince you that you are not an alcoholic.
I would also seriously recommend AA. Maybe read my post on my first few meetings in AA to help you through the stigma. You have nothing to lose by attending a few meetings and racing the Big Book, right?
You feel confident now, good about yourself, can see things for what they are, you also have proved to yourself that you can stop the drink. Hey, you can go back to drinking in moderation because you have proved that you are not an alcoholic! Yay, cool!
I bet you are secretly practically counting the hours down to 60 days and your addiction has you right where it wants you. If you decided to do 90 days would that be a problem with you? Listen to your addiction try to talk you out of that. "What else will it prove? I have done 60 and I can quit anytime, its unnecessary, whats the problem in a few beers".
You have done an amazing job and you are very probably an alcoholic. Normal drinkers do not choose to drink daily. Normal drinkers don't do night and day binges. I know you are struggling with the stigma to call yourself an alcoholic. I can remember stumbling down to the pub in the morning after a bender thinking "I don't have to do this but I have a free day and I want to, its my choice, so its not problem". I would recommend staying off it for a year and see how you feel. You can only gain and you can enjoy listening to your addiction trying every possible trick to convince you that you are not an alcoholic.
I would also seriously recommend AA. Maybe read my post on my first few meetings in AA to help you through the stigma. You have nothing to lose by attending a few meetings and racing the Big Book, right?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
I think there's merit in what ubuntnt says. I have a similar history as well, and see lots of alcoholic traits in this story. I hope you can stay quit. I quit for a year when I was your age then went back out because I was too smart, and too cocky, and drank for 25 more years. I felt I could control it, and I did, but it still kept me from developing emotionally and spiritually, and took away most of my relationships.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum!! 
When I quit drinking I didn't know what I should label myself as, all I knew was alcohol was not working in my life anymore, it was causing problems and as you very well put it "restraint and the responsibility in taking ownership" was required!!
Great to have you here and sharing your story!!
When I quit drinking I didn't know what I should label myself as, all I knew was alcohol was not working in my life anymore, it was causing problems and as you very well put it "restraint and the responsibility in taking ownership" was required!!
Great to have you here and sharing your story!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 251
Congrats! So many parallels on your story and mine. My dad was the same kind of drinker but not a loner... I didn't get into drinking until my 20s either. I'm enjoying not drinking. Totally agree with your assessment on alcohol abuse vs alcoholism. I quit cold turkey and have been drinking NA beers for most of this time. If I had that disease I find it highly unlikely the NA would satisfy me. I do know I have a problem though and it would have inevitably led to the disease.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: mo
Posts: 108
I think you are in the right place. You might want to purchase a copy of the book about Alcoholics Anonymous , sometimes referred to as the Big Book See if some of the stories in there don't resonate! Thanks for sharing your story.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,850
Welcome to SR, IntoWishin. Congratulations on your 52 days of sobriety. I hope that when you reach your goal of 60 days you decide to use those 60 days as a launching pad to a life of sobriety. Why give up or risk the amazing benefits of sobriety that you have already realized. SPOILER ALERT: Sobriety gets better and better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,177
All in all this was one of the best decision I've made going though this challenge/exercise. It's really cleared my head, restored myself physically and mentally, and re-established that internal regulator in me that's been missing.
I can't say that I will never drink again after these 60 days, but the lesson this has taught me is restraint and the responsibility in taking ownership of yourself whether you can do it on your own or with the help of a kind soul.
Thanks for the time it took to post! I bet more folks than you think will read it!
I see some of myself in your words so wanted to offer some thoughts.
I don't label myself. I just drank far too much for far to long, had a bit of an epiphany, and stopped. Cold Turkey, no withdrawls, very limited cravings, alcohol in house. No support system other than my "Class of August 2014" group.
In my experience choosing to become alcohol free was significantly easier and more rewarding than moderating- in any of its many forms.
You're clearly a bright guy and I applaud your choice to recognize the progression of your drinking and take a bit of a respite.
Ultimately, your 60 days will end and you'll need to take stock of not only where you've been and what you've accomplished- but what role alcohol will play going forward. You're rightly proud that you've been "restored, re-established, and regulated".
The key question to ask yourself (and perhaps journal) is what benefits you'll gain from drinking again- and what potential consequences may result from your choice. Will drinking bring you closer to any personal, professional, or spiritual goal? Will it enhance the contentment you've found over the last 60 days?
Again- thanks for the post. No matter how many times I've rewritten my feedback- it still feels like I'm preaching. Please realize that's not my intent. Just wanted to share some thoughts.
I genuinely wish you the best in your decision.
I can't say that I will never drink again after these 60 days, but the lesson this has taught me is restraint and the responsibility in taking ownership of yourself whether you can do it on your own or with the help of a kind soul.
Thanks for the time it took to post! I bet more folks than you think will read it!
I see some of myself in your words so wanted to offer some thoughts.
I don't label myself. I just drank far too much for far to long, had a bit of an epiphany, and stopped. Cold Turkey, no withdrawls, very limited cravings, alcohol in house. No support system other than my "Class of August 2014" group.
In my experience choosing to become alcohol free was significantly easier and more rewarding than moderating- in any of its many forms.
You're clearly a bright guy and I applaud your choice to recognize the progression of your drinking and take a bit of a respite.
Ultimately, your 60 days will end and you'll need to take stock of not only where you've been and what you've accomplished- but what role alcohol will play going forward. You're rightly proud that you've been "restored, re-established, and regulated".
The key question to ask yourself (and perhaps journal) is what benefits you'll gain from drinking again- and what potential consequences may result from your choice. Will drinking bring you closer to any personal, professional, or spiritual goal? Will it enhance the contentment you've found over the last 60 days?
Again- thanks for the post. No matter how many times I've rewritten my feedback- it still feels like I'm preaching. Please realize that's not my intent. Just wanted to share some thoughts.
I genuinely wish you the best in your decision.
Guest
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Iowa
Posts: 675
Thank you for the long post. It was well put and articulate. You are obviously like me in being a very verbal person who can put a simple thought into 10,000 words. I am always amazed at someone like D who can say the same thing I just said in my 10,000 words in about 10.
Interestingly enough I think everyone here who has abused just about anything can tell the same story in the beginning with personal variations.
To me - should you read your post again - it sounds as if you are trying to convince yourself that you are not an alcoholic. Or maybe to convince the readers that you are not an alcoholic.
I don't know about anyone else but I read it, thought it was great, congratulate you on your 52 days but concluded - this guy's an alcoholic.
Consider whether your 52 days has proven to you that you are, indeed, NOT an alcoholic.
You have "quit" but not quit as you constantly leave the door open. Been there done that.
When you go back what will have changed? You have not changed other than to note how great your life is if you don't drink.
When you go back....... Hell, we have ALL gone back and it always ends up in the same place. Until you commit.
Interestingly enough I think everyone here who has abused just about anything can tell the same story in the beginning with personal variations.
To me - should you read your post again - it sounds as if you are trying to convince yourself that you are not an alcoholic. Or maybe to convince the readers that you are not an alcoholic.
I don't know about anyone else but I read it, thought it was great, congratulate you on your 52 days but concluded - this guy's an alcoholic.
Consider whether your 52 days has proven to you that you are, indeed, NOT an alcoholic.
You have "quit" but not quit as you constantly leave the door open. Been there done that.
When you go back what will have changed? You have not changed other than to note how great your life is if you don't drink.
When you go back....... Hell, we have ALL gone back and it always ends up in the same place. Until you commit.
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