Detaching with Love

Old 01-21-2015, 07:51 PM
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Detaching with Love

When your RAH has just had a lapse/relapse, and is now feeling awful about himself and you are angry, what is the right thing to say? I end up venting frustration, anger, distrust, disgust, point out where he failed. UGHHHHH. I need to stop taking his inventory.

What are some phrases, things I can say that embody detaching with love???? What works?
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Old 01-21-2015, 08:01 PM
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The first time my husband relapsed post rehab I enforced the boundary that I would not live with an active alcoholic so he needed to leave and move out. I told him that I was sorry that he drank again, I was sorry he was struggling with sobriety BUT that I needed to take care of myself and living with a person who is struggling makes life difficult for me. I want to and need to put myself and my children in a healthy environment and our home needs to be a safe place for us. I told him that I didn't care if he left or if we left but we would not live with or around active alcoholism. I also told him that I loved him very much and I was very sorry that he was struggling and that I wasn't mad that he relapsed, but naturally I was disappointed that it happened. I told him that I wanted him to be sober because he deserves to live a sober life and enjoy it. (I also happen to deserve a sober husband and our children deserve a sober dad.)

Hope that helps. And the last time he relapsed I didn't respond as nicely as that. Same idea but it was much shorter.

To me detaching means that the anger isn't there though. I was a much less effected by his relapse because I fully accepted that it wasn't about me or because of me and it really didn't effect much of MY day to day life. His drinking is 100% about him and he really is the only one who deals with the ramifications of it at this point in time.
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Old 01-21-2015, 08:03 PM
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The Book, alcoholics anonymous advises viewing the person as "sick"

Just think, would you yell, scream and vent at a person with multiple sclerosis because they couldn't do something?

No?

Then decide not to do it to an alcoholic.

It's just pouring petrol on a fire otherwise and let's face it, it doesn't work and you don't get any relief or feel better by doing it anyway.
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Old 01-21-2015, 08:39 PM
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If you go to the A forum and someone on there relapses, you can't believe the support that they give him. I am floored. They tell him to get back up on the horse and take one day at a time. They support him and don't crucify him at all. They all live with such guilt. But the A reached out to the forum and confessed what he did. So he really is trying to be honest with what he did.

My idea is watch what he does with the relapse. You have to understand that the relapse hurts him more then you, if he truly wants to be sober. Who are we to judge, are we perfect. Should we be watching what he is doing. If you are working your program you would have no time to be monitoring his.

I have not been so lucky to experience any sobriety from my XAH, so maybe I am wrong on my comments, but that is how I feel.
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Old 01-21-2015, 09:15 PM
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Edited. My post was pointless
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Old 01-22-2015, 10:42 AM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
If you go to the A forum and someone on there relapses, you can't believe the support that they give him. I am floored. They tell him to get back up on the horse and take one day at a time. They support him and don't crucify him at all. They all live with such guilt. But the A reached out to the forum and confessed what he did. So he really is trying to be honest with what he did.

My idea is watch what he does with the relapse. You have to understand that the relapse hurts him more then you, if he truly wants to be sober. Who are we to judge, are we perfect. Should we be watching what he is doing. If you are working your program you would have no time to be monitoring his.

I have not been so lucky to experience any sobriety from my XAH, so maybe I am wrong on my comments, but that is how I feel.
H and I are working on a relapse plan, which takes all of that into account. I know the amount of guilt and shame he carries for years of drinking, and he is no where near the point of realizing how much damage he has done. He has told me that in rehab, they told them if they fall off the horse, get back on and try again. In a much smaller way, it's like eating a tub of ice cream on a diet. You don't kill yourself over it - you get over it and make a new goal and work towards it.

That is, assuming the A is wanting to continue to work towards sobriety.
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Old 01-22-2015, 11:02 AM
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OK Let me try. Assume and prepare that your RA will relapse. That way when they do, you won't be angry. And you also will react from a more calm place.

Just because AA says they can start over, doesn't mean you have to. If they relapse, be prepared to calmly be apart from the drama. Go and sleep in the other side of the house. Get out of the house with kids if need be. But do so calmly.

If he/she is verbally abusive or baiting you verbally (very common), don't engage them. You simply let it go, walk away and implement your plan to distance yourself.

Further, don't believe what they are saying, only what you see them doing. This will initially enrage them and typically you will want engage in that anger. Which is exactly what they want. DRAMA and CHAOS is their friend, not yours.

You treat it as a sickness by NOT CATCHING IT YOURSELF.

Be better then the are, stay above them and the drinking.

It will take time to learn to turn away from them, but it saved me, kept me sane, calm and level headed. Which serves you better then it serves them.

I called it Me Time. And I learned to take a TON of it. My ex would drink, I'd be gone as soon as I knew it. She felt like she could punish me by drinking more. And I learned to not give that a second thought if she did.

At least one of us stayed sane in the process.
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Old 01-22-2015, 11:09 AM
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Godismyrock....I have done all types of reactions.

I would say to you...the first task is detach. Worry about the "love" part, later.
Detach enough to protect yourself from the soul crushing disappointment.

I think that detachment with love is a really advanced concept.
You probably, are not at that place, yet.

You have to figure a way to deal with your anger and pain. It is not good to just stuff your own emotions. You don't have to go all "meltdown" on him, though.

I think you also have to know where you are with the relationship, also.

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Old 01-22-2015, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Godismyrock View Post
When your RAH has just had a lapse/relapse, and is now feeling awful about himself and you are angry, what is the right thing to say? I end up venting frustration, anger, distrust, disgust, point out where he failed. UGHHHHH. I need to stop taking his inventory.

What are some phrases, things I can say that embody detaching with love???? What works?
Honestly, I tend to just stay out of his way. I've found that I'm often the last person he wants to hear from when he's already dealing with so much shame.

maia - I understand what you are saying, but speaking solely for my RAH he's not as receptive to this kind of support from me as he is from other alcoholics. There is a whole different set of emotions that come into play & he "hears" the same statements differently when they come from someone other than me.

I might suggest extra meetings or that he call his sponsor, basically keep directing him back to his program. I also think there's a big difference in types of relapses. I'm going to feel differently about a 1-day relapse vs. a 2 month binge, ya know?
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Old 01-22-2015, 11:33 AM
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maia...I also hear what you are saying. When a friend that is not in my close circle of friends and family has a relapse....my first reaction is to say "just get back on the horse".
While I care...I don't feel pain like when it happens to my closest loved one.

Also, the other AA members care about the welfare of their associate...they are not thinking about the welfare of the family of that person (not as the first priority).

Relapse is really hard for the family. It is much harder for us to handle.

Your point is well made, however.

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Old 01-22-2015, 11:36 AM
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What are some phrases, things I can say that embody detaching with love???? What works?
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

Just for today I will adjust myself to what is, and not try to adjust everything to my own desires.

Anger can be constructive in telling me that someone else is stepping on some boundaries that I need to enforce.
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Old 01-22-2015, 11:44 AM
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Originally Posted by maia1234 View Post
But the A reached out to the forum and confessed what he did. So he really is trying to be honest with what he did.
One more thought for you maia - I may not get the same honesty from RAH that he is willing to give to other A's in his program, especially in early recovery. I think he's gotten better about this over time but I'll guarantee he still shares more with his sponsor about his struggles with addiction than he does with me.

I also agree with Dandylion that as family we're on the frontlines of dealing with the consequences sometimes, no matter how detached we are. *I* have to live with the reality of the financial impact of RAH's DUI last year, no one else does.
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Old 01-22-2015, 02:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Godismyrock View Post
When your RAH has just had a lapse/relapse, and is now feeling awful about himself and you are angry, what is the right thing to say? I end up venting frustration, anger, distrust, disgust, point out where he failed. UGHHHHH. I need to stop taking his inventory.

What are some phrases, things I can say that embody detaching with love???? What works?
Firs off, know that it is perfectly okay to be angry. Anger is a human emotion and you shouldn't repress it. But when you express that anger in a way where you put down the other person - not so good.

If you need to vent, vent. Write in your journal, talk to a friend, exercise, paint, punch a punching bag.

If you are having this big of a problem communicating to him without going off, you may want to consider couples counseling. Communicating in a nonviolent and nonaggressive way is not only healthier for the relationship, but better and more stabilizing for yourself.

Good luck.
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Old 01-22-2015, 03:00 PM
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in hindsight, this is where boundaries and/or a plan come into play. you can't control what HE is going to do....but you do have control over what you do. you need to know your own limits, your own threshold.

quitting is never the hard part when it comes to addiction.
STAYING QUIT is the real b!tch. while no relapse is a GOOD thing really, there are degrees, at least in my opinion. going to a bar, having one beer, realizing that's stupid, leaving and not continuing to drink is one thing....deciding to go whole hog, hitting the bar, spending $300 on booze, hooking up with the dope man and pulling an all nighter is quite another.

your anger is probably your underlying fear speaking. it can be very scary when they drink or use again. cuz it COULD mean the end of things....in one way or another. learning how to express that anger in a way that does not demean or belittle the other person is a skill we all should learn and employ! learning how to change "you stupid @ss sun of a b!tch what were you thinking" into "i hope you are done now and this will not be repeated, as i will not live with an active alcoholic addict" or something more neutral.....
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Old 01-22-2015, 03:16 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
in hindsight, this is where boundaries and/or a plan come into play. you can't control what HE is going to do....but you do have control over what you do. you need to know your own limits, your own threshold.

quitting is never the hard part when it comes to addiction.
STAYING QUIT is the real b!tch. while no relapse is a GOOD thing really, there are degrees, at least in my opinion. going to a bar, having one beer, realizing that's stupid, leaving and not continuing to drink is one thing....deciding to go whole hog, hitting the bar, spending $300 on booze, hooking up with the dope man and pulling an all nighter is quite another.

your anger is probably your underlying fear speaking. it can be very scary when they drink or use again. cuz it COULD mean the end of things....in one way or another. learning how to express that anger in a way that does not demean or belittle the other person is a skill we all should learn and employ! learning how to change "you stupid @ss sun of a b!tch what were you thinking" into "i hope you are done now and this will not be repeated, as i will not live with an active alcoholic addict" or something more neutral.....
I love this entire post!! It's worth quoting so that it can be repeated one more time, IMO.

Thanks for this one
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