helpimalive

Hi everyone. I was here in November. I got 11 days then. Even that was hugely difficult. I went to an AA meeting every day in that time, and got a sponsor, read the book, and started reading the steps. I was trying to stay sober to save my job and my apartment, and to see about strengthening my dying relationship.

Then one night I just decided to go for it, to see if I could handle a couple drinks just one time.

(((It is possible this was partly brought on by this exchange:
Sponsor: are you SURE you're an alcoholic?
Me: 95 percent sure
Sponsor: if you're not sure, you need to go out and drink

Well I certainly did that! )))

I don't even need to tell the rest of this story. Y'all know it. Now it's the end of January.

I have now been unburdened of the apartment, the job and the boyfriend.

Funny thing is, actually, on all three counts, I didn't lose them. I ejected them. I quit before they could fire me, I gave notice to move before they could evict me for uncleanliness, and I broke up with the boyfriend so I didn't have to care about that anymore.

Of course, I did all this while drinking; much of it while drunk.

I did it all so I could move back home to live with my mother, and try and start over at life. I was miserable in that job, and it turns out that I miss my family and I haven't been good at building healthy new relationships out here on my own; I have social anxiety and myriad issues and I push people away.

So but one of the tricks to starting over at life once I get home is NOT just getting into a pattern of living off my parents, and drinking in secret in my room. And I am very much afraid that's exactly what I'll do. I can't control this thing. I've been unemployed all January (I'm living off parental money, now, at 26, for the first time since I was 19) and supposedly I'm supposed to spend this month seeing the sights in Florida I never got around to seeing, and packing up.

Instead, I have been drinking 12 to 16 beers a day alone in my underwear and hating myself for it.

I know I have other issues than drinking, but I also know I need to stop drinking, and that I will be very, very well-served just never to get into the habit back in Texas when I go, at the end of the month.

Yet my mind keeps suggesting I buy a nice big supply of liquor bottles to pack up so I'll already have them on hand when I get there. Christ. Did I subconsciously quit my life so I could just focus on drinking?

This is *so* hard for me. I'm one of those people for whom every single time I get ONE day sober, it's an accomplishment. I see people come on here like, Oh, I'm on day 20 now, thought I'd reach out. For me, there's no way I'd ever get to day 20 by myself. And yet I am SO BAD at taking help. Asking my parents to help me start over via money and housing was probably he hardest thing I've ever done. Living off their money, I wake up sometimes sweating and thinking about it.

Asking another human being for EMOTIONAL support? HahaHA.

I'm scared. I don't know what to do. I don't even have a specific question.

sugarbear1

Do you want to stay stopped?

strategery

I can relate to your post. Part of me thought I would never get sober, but I now have a little over 2 months. You can have a sober life if you want it. SR has been a huge support in my recovery and can be a huge support in yours too.

helpimalive

What I want is an actual life, with meaning and productivity and relationships with other people, and alcohol is one of the things in my way, maybe the main thing, I don't know.

So I think, yes. But sometimes it feels so much like it's not up to me.

Ruby2

Well, you sound like me. Geographic cure for all that was going wrong with my life. At the age of 33 I gave notice at my job, told my landlord I was moving and returned to Illinois from Minnesota. My dad and a friend of mine came up to move my stuff and I lived with my parents for three years.

My drinking slowed way down but was still heavy. During the time with mom and dad I worked, found a much better job found a boyfriend found a house and moved out. Then my drinking really got out of hand. I managed to progress in my job but the drinking caught up with me. I went to out patient treatment. Kept my job but picked up a husband while in treatment. Not recommended by the way. Had two kids. Drinking continued out of control and then I landed in inpatient treatment.

The one thing I have realized that moving doesn't solve the problem because I brought me with me. It was really tough quitting but it was one of the best struggle I've ever gone through. Honestly. My life isn't a bowl of cherries by any stretch but it's far better than being sick and tired all the time. If you stayed sober for 11 days while going to AA every day, go back to AA. Get some time under your belt before moving back to your parents house. And when you get to Texas, go to meetings there too. You CAN do this. Don't go back out experimenting with the "are you sure you're an alcoholic" nonsense.

Hang in there. You are worth so much more than sitting around in your underwear, drunk.

sugarbear1

well, I spent half my life in that place.....off and on but mostly on with drinking and smoking weed.....

I had to want to stay stopped more than I wanted to drink/use.....

You CAN stay stopped, too! The well rounded life takes work, but even at the age of 50, it can be rebuilt. I'll be 54 in April and will hopefully celebrate 4 years in May....

I once couldn't get one day without doing something (either drink or get high) and now my life is quite full and has meaning and people in it....

mns1

helpimalive,


There is no shame in needing help from your parents. At 26, you are still very young, and a lot of people your age are in the same boat.

I am 28 and live with my parents. I used to have my own apartment, a decent amount of money, and was trying to start my own business. Now I'm no better or worse off than I was when I graduated high school. But I'm okay with that. I'm almost relieved by it! Because now I can give life another shot without having to worry about losing everything. And a lot of people don't have such supportive families, so all the more reason to embrace it.

The thing is, whatever you want in life, you have to actively seek it. And if you get knocked down in the process, don't look at it as the final verdict on your potential, look at it as an opportunity to learn.

Whatever it is you are looking for, you won't find it in a beer bottle. Trust me, I spent the first half of my 20s looking there. All I found was more emptiness.

So what are you passionate about? And what action can you take now to start chasing it?

More power to you!

Dee74

Your addiction will try to convince you it's not up to you but it is

try and keep things as simple as possible, Do not drink.

Do whatever healthy positive things you need to do to make sure that happens.

It might mean more support, it might mean some pretty big changes...it could even mean counselling or rehab.

If you maintain not drinking, a great number of things that are presently bothering you will tend to fall into place.

Those things that don't work out? sobriety will give you a level playing field and a clear head to work on those things.

Reassuming control of our lives is a scary thing for some of us, but it's an amazingly positive thing to do,...and you won't be alone.

you are NOT a victim...you can plot your own future here

D

PurpleKnight

For me I really needed to accept that it was all or nothing, no more "experiments" with moderation or having only a couple, it was that first drink that was the real problem, abstinence never cured or fixed me, within a matter of weeks I'd be back to drinking as bad as ever.

There had to be no more shades of grey in my decision making, it was either drinking or Sobriety, and drinking always lead to the same outcome, it wasn't fun anymore and it was now bring misery each time.

We don't have to follow what seems like the inevitable course that alcohol wants us to follow, we can decide to get off the train at any stage with the right support and plan in place.

You can do this, but you have to want to do it!!