dearme

I was never an ordinary codependant . I mean I was but always suffered within myself and from a distance. Our relationship was already a long distance one and as soon as I found out he was an A I discovered SR. Thanks God I discovered you soon enough. I listened to the people who wrote their stories on theforum and I did nothing to control him, nothing to persuade him to change because he was pretty deep into his addiction and my gut told me that I could not change him. Only he could have done it. I was being good in not losing my self in the whole thing because I am a very sweet and weak person. I would have lost it!. If I wouldn't have trusted all of you and I would just followed what probably I thought was right I would just have cried at him for the whole time trying my best to save him. To be the Saviour. Instead of talking about his addiction, i would read the bible and tell him about God. Pearls to the pig. So what happened was that I focused on my career instead and did what it took to get where i am today. The thing is , I was never there next to him. Although i loved him with all my self and loved him too much, I kept at distance. One summer I preferred to go and work abroad instead of going to spend time with him. And this happened few times. However he knew how much i wanted him, in fact he never doubted it. I know I have done the right thing for me but.... I am sad..... After he left me I went NC. It was really really hard but I did it. He ended everything and also badmouthed me quite heavily. I know it was the drug but the hurt was unbearable. I should have gotten some counselling because REALLY I had no idea what to do. So I did nothing.
This all doing nothing is what is getting at me now. There is too much I have bottled up and it hurts terribly. Have I done the right thing? I still think of him but when I see him we dont say a thing. Is this right?

lillamy

So -- are you seeing him again? After having been NC for a while? Am I reading that right?

I think the "when in doubt, do nothing" applies to when we try to control and manipulate other people into behaving the way we would like them to. I do not think it applies to self-care. And trust me, it's never too late to go see a therapist. It sounds like you are kind of lost in your feelings and expectations, and I can tell you that seeing a therapist who could help me sort through what was what -- especially what was mine and what was AXH's voices in my head -- it was really, really helpful.

Also -- any breakup hurts. I remember one breakup that I didn't get over for probably ten years. (I got married to an A in the meantime, but I kept this secret dream that one day the other guy would show up on my doorstep and take me away...) The reason that breakup hit me so was that... I kept imagining what this guy could be like. I kept telling myself he was my soulmate, that we were meant to be together. I... didn't accept that we were done, that he had left me, that he was marrying someone else. I didn't want to let go of the dream.

Letting go of the dream is hard and painful, but it's also necessary to move on. But there's no hurry. Be sad. Cry. Hurt. Get the help you need. And be good to yourself.

hopeful4

It's never too late to go to counseling, never. I encourage you to go and get help from a therapist who understands addiction so they can relate.

Hugs.

Hammer

Sure Enough.

I would dare say you ONLY heard half the story.

Not dogging you for that, I applied that for a Very Long Time to me, too.

The General Advice is -- not to try to do anything to/about THEM.

BUT

(see, that is a really big but)

but. In the Meanwhile -- WE should do Everything About US.

If it is a 12 Step Model --

WE faithfully do our Prayers.
WE faithfully do the Meetings and the Program.
WE faithfully work the Steps.
WE faithfully Help Others.

That is the Alanon Program. Just talking about that, because that is the Path that I know.

Others do Celebrate Recovery. Others do CRAFT. Others do Rational Recovery.

BUT. Nowhere in there is "We Do Nothing."

Getting Better is WORK. Perhaps why not too many do on either side.

Yunno the ONLY folks I have found who cannot benefit from the Programs are . . . . The Folks Who Do Not Do Them.

Do Not Be One of Those Folks.

Not anymore.

Ready to get to work . . . on YOU?

dearme

Oh thanks. Yes I need to go to see a therapist. We are still N C but i bump into him at times cos we come from the same town. I dont talk to him. How could I? I let him ruin my reputation. He talked nasty things about me and somethimes even my relatives believed him. He is very popular and charismatic, that is why they would believe him more than me. I did nothing because it would have made it worse. So I pretended that it did not hurt me and did not retaliate. Now he seems regretful cos when he sees me he hides himself behind other ppl and looks down. Knowing him well I m sure this is the message he wants to pass , that he is sorry. But this can be manipulation as well. Whatever it is I don't care . I just would like to know if one should defend themselves from passive aggressive verbal abuse. I am frustrated to know that he managed to build walls around me.
It could also be that I cannot let go of my fantasy with him. I hope not!!!!!! I dont want to suffer more than i have!

theuncertainty

Just because he built walls around you, it doesn't mean you have to let them stay. When I was with AXH, I was very isolated from friends and family. I'm naturally very introverted, but when I was with him the last few years, I NEVER reached out, which was not like me at all. Not seeing friends or family was just easier than dealing with an AXH who was angry that I went out or had spent x minutes talking to a friend rather than do something with or for him. When I left him, I slowly started trying to reach out to my old friends, some new ones and my family. Those worth keeping were happy to have me back.

And the others, fell into 2 groups: those friends who I really didn't really have much in common with anymore and those who were going to side with AXH. Some of the 'friends' from the 2nd set were hard to let go, but if they'd decided to believe whatever AXH was saying about me and not hear me out, well, I didn't need friends like that anyway.

As for defending yourself against the passive aggressive verbal abuse... If you stay no contact with him, you won't have to hear it. If others relay on to you what he's been saying, you have every right to tell them you don't really need to hear what he's been saying and change the subject.

Try to not put so much thought into trying to figure out what 'he means' by putting his head down or hiding behind others when he sees you. You can guess at what he's thinking, but you don't *know*. It might just be that he went on a bender the night before and didn't want you to see his bloodshot eyes. Or it could be that he's still drunk has to look down so he doesn't trip. *Anything* might or might not be.

Hang in there.

Hammer

Sometimes the Trash You routines are part of Personality Disorders that go along with Alcoholism and Addictions.

Couple of the big ones in that regard are Narcissism and Borderline.

The jargon term is "paint you black." They make up what ever stories or lines that paint themselves as some sort of Victim, and whomever the target is as some sort of Villain, to entice would be Rescuers.

But really . . . . YOU cannot get well going on about him. You getting well is about YOU. If you do not follow what I am talking about -- here is a pull out from your post . . . .

The way the Alanon folks explained it to me --

[Hammer], [Mrs. Hammer] is not your problem.

Yunno what? They were right.