When to end a relationship - from The Language of Letting Go
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When to end a relationship - from The Language of Letting Go
I needed to read this today, thought maybe someone else here did too. I personally am at the "lingering" stage, waiting for the clear, consistent moment to act.
When to end a relationship, from the Language of Letting Go
Moving On: December 29
Learn the art of acceptance. It’s a lot of grief.
—Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That’s okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people—in love, family, friendships, and work—when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will
When to end a relationship, from the Language of Letting Go
Moving On: December 29
Learn the art of acceptance. It’s a lot of grief.
—Codependent No More
Sometimes, as part of taking care of ourselves, it becomes time to end certain relationships. Sometimes, it comes time to change the parameters of a particular relationship.
This is true in love, in friendships, with family, and on the job.
Endings and changes in relationships are not easy. But often, they are necessary.
Sometimes, we linger in relationships that are dead, out of fear of being alone or to postpone the inevitable grieving process that accompanies endings. Sometimes, we need to linger for a while, to prepare ourselves, to get strong and ready enough to handle the change.
If that is what we are doing, we can be gentle with ourselves. It is better to wait until that moment when it feels solid, clear, and consistent to act.
We will know. We will know. We can trust ourselves.
Knowing that a relationship is changing or is about to end is a difficult place to be in, especially when it is not yet time to act but we know the time is drawing near. It can be awkward and uncomfortable, as the lesson draws to a close. We may become impatient to put closure on it, but not yet feel empowered to do that. That’s okay. The time is not yet right. Something important is still happening. When the time is right, we can trust that it will happen. We will receive the power and the ability to do what we need to do.
Ending relationships or changing the boundaries of a particular relationship is not easy. It requires courage and faith. It requires a willingness on our part to take care of ourselves and, sometimes, to stand alone for a while.
Let go of fear. Understand that change is an important part of recovery. Love yourself enough to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and find enough confidence to believe that you will love again.
We are never starting over. In recovery, we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons. We will find ourselves with certain people—in love, family, friendships, and work—when we need to be with them. When the lesson has been mastered, we will move on. We will find ourselves in a new place, learning new lessons, with new people.
No, the lessons are not all painful. We will arrive at that place where we can learn, not from pain, but from joy and love.
Our needs will
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
When I switched jobs a little over a year ago, I was SO happy to leave it. I wore a black dress on my last day. I jumped for joy on my way to work and had my H take a pic and I posted the pic on FB.
If only working out the status of my marriage was as easy and concise. I linger too...
Hugs spring flower in my garden!
If only working out the status of my marriage was as easy and concise. I linger too...
Hugs spring flower in my garden!
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
After reconciling the addiction, heartbroken, dejected, resentful, and an anxious mess, I held onto my relationship for about another year. I waited for his next provable relapse, so I could point to it and make my family let me off the hook for leaving him. They wanted me to cure his addiction.
I waited and waited, sure enough, he relapsed eventually, but not after another year's worth of pain and trauma, and even then, our families blamed me for not helping him enough.
If you're waiting, use this time to shore yourself up, make sure you have an airtight plan, a good income, and the emotional resolve to call it quits and stay away from him once and for all. See a lawyer if you need to, just so you know your options.
I waited and waited, sure enough, he relapsed eventually, but not after another year's worth of pain and trauma, and even then, our families blamed me for not helping him enough.
If you're waiting, use this time to shore yourself up, make sure you have an airtight plan, a good income, and the emotional resolve to call it quits and stay away from him once and for all. See a lawyer if you need to, just so you know your options.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Chicago, Il
Posts: 123
Thanks pinkpeony for that post....I lingered in my relationship for quite a while out of the fear of lonliness and emotional overload. Even though the lingering has caused pain, it has also brought me tremendous clarity and now relief and resolve to make the final break!
Needed that! Thanks again!
Needed that! Thanks again!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: West Coast
Posts: 774
I did this recently... I took about a month of just sitting back and observing him before I gave the red flag in my gut any meaning. And then I took another week or so gathering the courage just to say to my xabf that I needed some time to reevaluate things. He gave me my space and was mostly calm... And then about three weeks later, I came to my very uneasy decision to break up with him. And it has been about two weeks since then...? I think...? lol...
And oh man, IT SUCKS! Sorry, I can't say it is easy to actually MAKE the decision. I find myself missing him, and then I will go over text messages that remind me of why I am doing this. I saved an incoherent voice-mail where he was having some dramatic incident due to his drinking and "needed me" at 2AM; I never answered that call; I have learned to put my phone on silent at night. I listen to this message when I feel like reaching out to him to see what he is up to.
Anyway, thank you for this post. It makes a lot of sense to me! I especially like the part where it says that we are never starting over... that we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons..... Awesome! I will keep that! writing it on my wall. haha...
And oh man, IT SUCKS! Sorry, I can't say it is easy to actually MAKE the decision. I find myself missing him, and then I will go over text messages that remind me of why I am doing this. I saved an incoherent voice-mail where he was having some dramatic incident due to his drinking and "needed me" at 2AM; I never answered that call; I have learned to put my phone on silent at night. I listen to this message when I feel like reaching out to him to see what he is up to.
Anyway, thank you for this post. It makes a lot of sense to me! I especially like the part where it says that we are never starting over... that we are moving forward in a perfectly planned progression of lessons..... Awesome! I will keep that! writing it on my wall. haha...
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Thanks for posting that. I'm lingering too . . . and I like that word so much better than the one I feel, which is stuck. 
For me it's a matter of figuring out the next step (since he won't make this easy and move out) while trying to assess which is better for the kids, living in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic dad or dealing with their parents' separation/divorce and then being in their dad's custody 50% of the time.
On a positive note, my AH is angry with me for asserting and maintaining boundaries, so at least he's finally paying attention to what I'm saying. As so many of you have pointed out, nothing changes until it changes, and actions speak louder than words.
For me it's a matter of figuring out the next step (since he won't make this easy and move out) while trying to assess which is better for the kids, living in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic dad or dealing with their parents' separation/divorce and then being in their dad's custody 50% of the time.
On a positive note, my AH is angry with me for asserting and maintaining boundaries, so at least he's finally paying attention to what I'm saying. As so many of you have pointed out, nothing changes until it changes, and actions speak louder than words.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by sauerkraut 
Thanks for posting that. I'm lingering too . . . and I like that word so much better than the one I feel, which is stuck.
For me it's a matter of figuring out the next step (since he won't make this easy and move out) while trying to assess which is better for the kids, living in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic dad or dealing with their parents' separation/divorce and then being in their dad's custody 50% of the time.
On a positive note, my AH is angry with me for asserting and maintaining boundaries, so at least he's finally paying attention to what I'm saying. As so many of you have pointed out, nothing changes until it changes, and actions speak louder than words.
For me it's a matter of figuring out the next step (since he won't make this easy and move out) while trying to assess which is better for the kids, living in a dysfunctional home with an alcoholic dad or dealing with their parents' separation/divorce and then being in their dad's custody 50% of the time.
On a positive note, my AH is angry with me for asserting and maintaining boundaries, so at least he's finally paying attention to what I'm saying. As so many of you have pointed out, nothing changes until it changes, and actions speak louder than words.
I hope you feel un-stuck soon, sauerkraut.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by CodeJob
When I switched jobs a little over a year ago, I was SO happy to leave it. I wore a black dress on my last day. I jumped for joy on my way to work and had my H take a pic and I posted the pic on FB.
The last job I quit I lingered waaaaaaaaaaay too long out of guilt. I felt like I was breaking up with a boy who liked me but I didn't like. Since then, I realized I have resentment about wasting too much time there.
Similarly, I regret staying too long in my relationship with my exA.
Dandylion has/had a saying about leaving a relationship that I cannot remember, but I hope she chimes in with it.
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