amy55

Hi, my name is amy, Ann Marie. I came to this part of the forum to heal. You guys have been great. I started here in the newcomers. I'm an RA.

I was a self medicator. I was in an abusive relationship. I drank so that I couldn't feel it. So I joined here and was in newcomers for awhile. I wandered over here. Sorry for that. But I was a double winner.

I never really felt right being here, because you know what, my H drank but i didn't care, I wanted the abuse to stop.

I saw many stories familiar to what I went through. I thought this was a better forum for me.

This section helped me heal.

I tried to reach out to other in the same situation that I was in. Actually to tell you the truth, I don't know where I was. I was in between wanting to die, and damn it wanting to die. I didn't know any other way out. I was financially dependent. I considered suicide many times as my only way out. I couldn't think of any other way out.

I have a really hard time with tough love for someone going thru this. I would have killed myself. I had friends who offered love to me. Unconditional love, that is what I try to do, but I feel that is not wanted here.

I'm sorry for trying to be me. I will thank everyone for the support that I did receive here, and I will take that with me and cherish it forever.

Goodbye dear friends. I wasn't doing things the right way and I am sorry for that.

(((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))
amy

Muunray

What?

ubntubnt

Amy, please....hang on a second.....

I have read your posts and they are simply awesome. You write with a compassion that few can do and that I could never do in a million lives. The power of a forum like this lies in its diversity and experience. We all have our own stories to tell and our own perspectives on the problems we faced and the problems facing others.

Yes it is hard when you offer your heart to someone and they don't seem to want it or need it but some do...and for every poster than posts there are others who don't, but do read, and do gain and do heal because of your post.

You are awesome and I don't want you to leave and I wish you would reconsider.

Butterfly

Amy I'm really worried about you. What's going on?? You have nothing to apologise for you are a lovely warm & kind person and the help you have given me has been invaluable.

Please let me know your ok

theuncertainty

I'm worried for you, too. Hugs, hugs, hugs. As Butterfly noted, I haven't seen anything needing an apology.

loopylou64

Amy please don't go.....your comments are invaluable & supportive......

amy55

I'm just flipping out right now, feeling like I am being made to feel a fool. Sorry, can't explain right now.

loopylou64

Amy, please don't go your comments are so supportive & understanding. There are many lurkers here, like me. Who are plucking up courage to spill our sad & lonely stories....& your warmth & compassion is unmatched here.
I left a 12 step facebook page because I couldn't bear to watch the 12 steppers tear into struggling newcomers for their inability to "let go & let God"....it put me off al anon. Sometimes we just need acknowledgement that our lives are out of control....not a lecture.
Anyway please don't go....please stay here & support no hope codies like me. I too have been suicidal with it all....& when I pluck up the courage I would like to join you with the gentle love....

jazzfish

As someone who is almost always quiet in this corner, I have to say I read your posts and they mean so much to me. I hope you are well.

amy55

I had a very tough time tonight. Spoke to mods a lot. My mind is not that stable,

I thank you all for being in my corner.

I have PTSD. I was getting upset about not supporting newcomers. I have a tendency to do this. With my PTSD it is more like trying to go for justice, standing before a bullet hits, protecting anyone with your own life.

I am sorry that I got so dysregulated with my own life.

amy

Butterfly

Please don't apologise. I am sorry your going through a hard time but we are here to support you and listen when you need us. Given what you have went through its understandable that you will feel this way. Can you see your counsellor or Dr today??

((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

Butterfly

Amy I understand that feeling of wanting to end it all, feeling that everyone would be better off without me but they wouldn't be. Recovery is hard and I get it sometimes I just want to give up. You are a strong loving person and you can come through this just like you have come through so much and your still fighting!!!!!

amy55

Do not ever have the thought that I did. You are worth so much more, and so am I.

Ok, more about me. But this is for butterfly..... I remember when we moved into our first home. We were living with my mom before that, he couldn't abuse me then, but he did. Then we finally got our first house. I was so happy, I finally owned something .

The abuse started immediately. I look back and it was there the whole time. I just didn't see it. I'm not going to describe everything, will if you ask me, but the thing was that he was emotionally absent from everything. I wanted to see love in his eyes, or his body reactions, there wasn't any. Did you ever feel like you just made love to someone who was just dead. Sorta like it didn't matter if it was you or someone else? Couldn't tell the difference, and then it was over. He just rolls over in his drunken snore, while you are cuddled in a fetal position, thinking, did he even see me did he even feel me. Am I real to him or am I a puppet?

I hear so many times here that he is the greatest when he is sober, and I hear so many times here that you get the same when he is sober or drunk, it's the same person.

It is the same person, whether drunk, whether Personality Disordered, you get both. Most times the Dr jeckyll, takes over the Dr. hyde.

We get so vamped up that we can fix them. We read books, we go to therapy, can anyone here tell me that this is what worked?

It's like I can take all the anti-depressants in the world, and it's not going to help me. I can take the poison hoping that it will hurt you. It doesn't. It hurts you.

I came here and I was so hateful towards my h. I think we can all agree about that. I wasn't seeing that I had choices.

I chose to let him go, and to try to trust again.

I really do hope that you take my trust and cherish that. It's not easy for me to give it.

amy

knowthetriggers

Amy, I have never been offended by any of your posts. We all struggle with something. When I share my thoughts I think that it probably won't help this person. Then I might come back to the thread and they have either said thanks or left a comment. But I have to remind myself that we are here to support each other and just like our meetings, you take what you want and leave the rest.

I have never seen a post from you that you should apologize for. I hate to see you go but I can't stop you. If you chose to leave then I certainly wish you the best.

Sending you peace and happiness, thank you for being you!

~Triggers

LexieCat

amy,

If you need to, step away for a bit. You have a perspective that is extremely valuable, and you provide an important counterpoint to some of the other perspectives.

Different approaches work better with different people. Some people, as you've seen, really DO need the "kick in the seat of the pants"--not in a mean or hostile or condescending way (which I rarely see here but it crops up occasionally), but in a loving, "wake up!" kind of way. Others need a far more gentle approach. Part of what is a challenge here is to kind of figure out where each person is at, and try to meet them there.

So take a break if you are feeling traumatized, but I hope after a break you will feel you can come back. I, for one (and you have many, many friends and supporters here) would miss your voice very much if you stayed away.

Mega hugs. Do what you need to do, but do it for yourself.

Butterfly

((((((((tight hugs Amy)))))))))

I have expereinced what you are talking about a few times, for me it was more when I wanted to be intimate he would reject me but when he wanted to he never gave up until I gave in, I always felt that he was just wanting his needs met and it wasnt about being intimate with me at all, but never to the level that you are describing.

After I always wanted to lie and cuddle and for him to tell me how much he loved me, now he would say he loved me, he told me daily that he loved me but I never saw it in his actions. Talking with my counsellor last night I discovered that the reason why I needed to hear the words so much was because I never heard them growing up. Him telling me he loved me meant he did? Amy there were a few times when we were intimate that I felt that I was being used the last time was after he had left and he was so drunk and it physically hurt, that was a new experience for me.

I trust you completely Amy and I understand trust after it has been broken by others is hard to give again, its a way of protecting ourselves!!

Amy how your ex's treated you has no refelction on you as a person but on who they are. You deserve so much more, you deserve love and happiness.

fluffyflea

Sorry, What are you talking about?

fluffyflea

I was just reading your last few posts to MLS
. Nothing wrong with them.

redatlanta

One thing I feel I have learned on SR and am still applying is patience. I think your perspectives regarding abuse have been invaluable here. They have certainly caused me to be less "hammer head" when posts like that pop up. So what if you weren't here? Would we have a sticky explaining the mindset of a victim and how they think? Would we have explanation that trying to "force" someone to do something even if the action is in the best interest of the person, does not work nor is what they need?

You went through your experience for a long time. I imagine there were people along the way who told you to get out. I know you may have experienced people getting angry toward you because you stayed. I'm certain you would like for others not to have to experience additional grief even if it comes with the best intention.

The best way to do that is to do what you do. I agree with Lexie, and I have written with you that IMO most often it is the combination of different perspectives that are effective.

We cannot control what others write or say. We can be there to balance it out or to point out when something is inherently wrong in advice - as the mods do as well. it certainly shouldn't be that valuable advice is no longer offered because we can't control what's said on the thread. I am sorry this has been such a trigger for you and you are in a bad place.

CodeJob

Amy,

Take care of you. Be well. You are not your yesterday's. By overcoming and sharing them you are truly transformed.