Husband home from rehab

Old 01-20-2015, 05:37 PM
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Husband home from rehab

I posted here a long time ago. Thought I'd come back for support.
My husband (50) just came home from 31 days at rehab, his second time. He was there 6 months ago and started drinking again after a week.
This time, he had 2 dwi's and ended up in jail. Something I thought "would never happen to our family".
I didn't bail him out because I didn't want him home. After 3 days I arranged for him to go back to rehab.

This time was so much better, they focused on mental issues as well as the alcoholism. He has adult add and anxiety. Maybe bipolar. He was in a co-occurring disorder group.
I was so sure things would be ok when he came home.

He's been home 2 days and it is not ok.
He has so far gone to 4 AA meetings, but doesn't seem to be doing the other things he was taught to do to help in recovery.
I know it's only been 2 days, but I thought he would be really "on task" especially in the beginning.

Today he went to our office (family business) which was a terrible idea because it was one of the biggest stressors for him. He saw damage he did there right before he was arrested, when he was drunk and angry that I took his keys.
I think seeing that brought back memories of how bad he was before rehab.
He came home tonight and flipped out, hitting himself and yelling at me and our 22 y.o. daughter.

I can't take this. I'm trying to be supportive, but taking care of myself also.

My question is to others whose spouses have come back home from rehab - is it normal to feel this way, unsure if you even like your sober spouse any more? How long does it take to get back to some semblance of a normal life?
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Old 01-20-2015, 05:41 PM
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I have no advice but just wanted to offer ((hugs))
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Old 01-20-2015, 05:54 PM
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31 days is very early in sobriety - even without any underlying mental health issues, it takes months for the mood swings to fade away. At one month, I was still not great at managing emotions, I was impulsive, and my thinking was not entirely rational.

What are "the other things he was taught to do to help in recovery" that he is not doing?
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Old 01-20-2015, 06:43 PM
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early recovery is rocky. A good day can go bad in 5 seconds.

Does he have a therapist lined up? Cuz verbal abuse and hitting himself sound alarming and on a forum I worry about your safety - you and your daughter's safety.

Peace! What outlets have you lined up to get a break from all of this?
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:04 PM
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Thanks Eddie, its so helpful to hear your words, as one who has been/is there. I appreciate your response. I have tried to remember that its not an overnight process, but its not easy!

We agreed to talk each evening about the day, and go over a list of possible relapse signals - things that we each see/feel. He said, while at rehab, that up he wanted to "carry this list with him all the time" to help him remember what changes to make in his everyday routine.
We agreed that it was ok for me to say something (in an "I feel" sort of way) if I was concerned with anything I saw.
Some of these things include not interacting with the family, not communicating, doing things that used to trigger his anxiety and drinking.
So far in 2 days, he's not talked to me, just goes to meetings and watches tv alone in the bedroom. Has not even emptied out his suitcase.
He's exactly the same as he was before except not drinking.

I know it will be hard. I want to support him 100%. I understand mood swings - he was on klonopin for 9 years and is still withdrawing from it with horrible symptoms. I feel bad for him.
I was prepared to do all i needed to do to support his recovery.
We are participating together in a year long outpatient support program through his rehab place. I want to learn all I can so I'm not an enabler or a fixer.

But I feel that what he did tonight was not right. He told our daughter that he would break her jaw. Because she yelled at him to not treat me the way he way he was.
She had to watch him freak out and hit himself in the face repeatedly. How difficult is that for a daughter to witness, and to hear, no matter what age?
Then he comes back and says he's sorry to her.
I'm so upset right now.
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:18 PM
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Thanks CodeJob, He does have a therapist, his appointment is next week. He switched psychiatrists and has an appointment with the new one next month.
Plus we are in an intense outpatient program that offers a lot of support.
My daughter and I did leave the house for a while tonight when he was so out of control, but came back home when we knew he would be gone (at a meeting).
I have a great group of friends too.
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:19 PM
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You said he has gone to 4 AA meetings so far, but he has a dual diagnosis, what is he doing about his mental health. What he did was abusive, verging on physical abuse, with the intimidation.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:28 PM
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Hi Tired,

Sometimes when I post I go back to where I was at that point. I shouldn't. I should go with what I would do now. That was abuse and he had no consequences with it. Call 911 when situations like this happen. He was in a violent rage, and you don't know when the next time it may be turned to you or your daughter.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:35 PM
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does he have a sponsor or therapist you could call about the rage/hitting his self? Not sure if it is your place to do so, but that seems pretty scary to me, and in need of being addressed somehow.
perhaps you have a crisis center, who you could call, and who might come visit if he acts like that again? sounds like he needs some help, for sure, and you and your daughter should not have to be exposed to that.
wishing you the best
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:37 PM
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Was there a plan for this sort of behavior laid out? He damaged your business location previously? Is the outpatient group linked to the new psych? I wonder if this can get him moved up?

Usually I urge the RA to work the phones and set up what they need, but in this case I think you should do it. You need to feel safe. He sounds changeable.
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:41 PM
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Right now for the mental health he's on a couple meds, same ones he was on while he was drinking. The dr at rehab kept him on his original meds because who knows if they were right or not because of all the alcohol.
So I guess time will tell if hey are adjusted in the future.

I told him tonight he had crossed my boundaries.
I left a message with my counselor.
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Old 01-20-2015, 07:43 PM
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Yes the outpatient program is in contact with his therapist and psychiatrist. Great idea about seeing if they can influence getting his appointment moved up. Thanks.
I will call in the morning.
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Old 01-20-2015, 08:20 PM
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Originally Posted by Tiredwife88 View Post
Some of these things include not interacting with the family, not communicating, doing things that used to trigger his anxiety and drinking. So far in 2 days, he's not talked to me, just goes to meetings and watches tv alone in the bedroom. Has not even emptied out his suitcase. He's exactly the same as he was before except not drinking.
...
But I feel that what he did tonight was not right. He told our daughter that he would break her jaw. Because she yelled at him to not treat me the way he way he was.
She had to watch him freak out and hit himself in the face repeatedly. How difficult is that for a daughter to witness, and to hear, no matter what age?
Then he comes back and says he's sorry to her.
I'm so upset right now.
TW,

That is extreme behavior, and you are right to be concerned. Physically and verbally isolating are potential signs of backsliding. But threatening your daughter, losing his temper, and hitting himself are way out of line. As important as supporting his sobriety is, your safety is more important.

Does your husband have a psychiatrist or other mental health professional that he is working with? This is not behavior that warrants a "wait and see" approach in my opinion.
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Old 01-21-2015, 05:04 AM
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Peace Tired. You deserve it. So does your daughter. Report his behavior today and see if this program can help him and thereby help you...

Make some notes so when you call you are calm and direct. My H got upset yesterday, he threatened DS, he then hit himself X times. It was deeply frightening. We left. We need resources immediately. We are not safe. He is not safe with himself. Can we get him evaluated sooner? What do you recommend because at this moment I am terribly concerned for every member in my family. I need your expertise to get him help. Help today.
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Old 01-21-2015, 05:22 AM
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TW, what a discouraging start. It does sound like the meds might have to be reviewed now that he has day to day stressors and triggers acting on him again. The hitting himself is a real giveaway.
Don't give up hope because there it may take a while to find balance. I'm glad he's finally getting help with his mental health, as well as continuing out-patient and family involvement.
Does he have any exercises he can do to relieve anxiety - meditation?

All the best with this continuing process.
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Old 01-21-2015, 01:04 PM
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I sent his therapist a text letting him know in a nutshell what happened last night. He agreed to see him tonight after normal hours
I know I'm not supposed to do that...that it should have been H making the call on his own. But I did it, and he is going.
He tried to talk this morning, saying could we "be friends". I was still angry so I said no, that he crossed acceptable lines and I couldn't deal with it.

I spoke with my therapist from his rehabnthis morning, she is great. Gave me good support on taking care of myself.
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Old 01-21-2015, 01:40 PM
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I think it is OK in this instance that you stepped in - as your own safety and that of your daughter was at risk! Don't worry about it. Glad they agreed to work with him ASAP!
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Old 01-21-2015, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Tiredwife88 View Post
I sent his therapist a text letting him know in a nutshell what happened last night. He agreed to see him tonight after normal hours
I know I'm not supposed to do that...that it should have been H making the call on his own. But I did it, and he is going.
He tried to talk this morning, saying could we "be friends". I was still angry so I said no, that he crossed acceptable lines and I couldn't deal with it.

I spoke with my therapist from his rehabnthis morning, she is great. Gave me good support on taking care of myself.
Your safety is an important issue, and in that case, it is good you called his therapist. If he did not appear to be such a danger then yes, he could make the phone call himself, but you did it more for you and your daughter than for him - so don't beat yourself up about it! You did good.

I also called a therapist for XABF, when I finally realized just how abusive he was treating me.
In truth, the therapist was a therapist for the company where we both worked, so I went there for me (1) with the hope that he'd reinforce to me that I wasn't crazy, and (2) because he had authority from the company to do things like "force" people into rehab if they wanted to stay employed, and so I was hopeful he'd force XABF into rehab.
As a result of that visit, XABF was forced into rehab, and I was able to change the locks on my apartment and escape from his abuse. XABF also happened to get sober as a result, so it was a nice bonus for him, but I did it so that I could be free from his abuse.

In short, you did what you needed to do! I am hoping that as he works through his sobriety, he finds healthy non-abusive ways of coping with things. That said, please be prepared, alcohol doesn't cause someone to be abusive, and so many people still are even after they quit drinking. In my example above, even sober, XABF tried to stalk me and even enlisted his family to help track me down. (There were calls to my work phone and my BOSS to try and get him to divulge my cell phone number, since I had changed it. Funny enough, they knew my favorite Al-Anon meeting but never tried looking for me there. Hmm...) It didn't end until after he died (cancer).

I am hopeful that your situation does not go this route.
I do recommend that you build a support network just in case. Your therapist sounds like a great start!
Regardless of how everything works out, even if he does work through this and turn into the perfect husband and father afterwards, it's a tough road.

Good friends (and professionals) are always a blessing.
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Old 01-21-2015, 01:45 PM
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I understand you're concerned - but.

Maybe I'm the only person who will say this - but.

He's just gotten home from rehab. He's transitioning and he's probably going through alot.

He is still sober - yes?

Maybe give him some kindness and compassion and see how things play out over the next couple of weeks.

He's likely overwhelmed and trying to find his "sober feet" at this time.

Reality is - if he's gonna drink - there's nothing you can do to possibly stop it. Bombarding him with concern or trying to put safeguards into place will likely only make him rebel - and give him a reason to blame you for his relapse.

Work on you - give him some distance. He's attended 4 meetings and that's excellent.

Did you expect him to come out perfect?
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Old 01-21-2015, 04:24 PM
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Hey there... my RA just got home this week from rehab....yes. I soooo get the "not really wanting them there" thing. I really do.

Instantly, the safety is gone it feels like. Instantly everyone is "scared". Even the RA. It is hard. I'm finding myself frustrated and in fear.

But in my heart, I know that the fear is mine, not his. My RA had a meltdown in the car ride home and went off on me...I just wanted to scream "let me out of the car!!" It was destroying the peace that I had created in his absence and I just wanted to bail on him, the marriage, the everything.

I do understand how you feel. I am feeling the same way. But I do love my husband and I want to see him get to a healthy spot. So I'm stickin around. I just have my boundaries and my safe places where I know he cannot effect me...and when it does start effecting me, I hope I will be strong enough to do what I must.

Hugs to you
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