Butterfly

I realised tonight as I was driving home that by instructing a barrister I was actually taking some control back of my life and my divorce!!

With ex A filing for divorce himself he has complete control, he controlled when he gave me the papers, control over when he pays the money for the case to be listed for hearing and control whether he pays the money for the decree absolute 6 weeks and 1 day after the hearing, I would have to wait 3 months before I could apply for it!!

By instructing a barrister and going down the mediation route initially means I am not agreeing to his divorce terms and takes the control out of his hands.

This is such a new feeling for me and while it feels good I am also scared about how he will react ex A never liked not being in control!!!

hopeful4

Good for you! Very proud of you!

meggem

Way to go!!!!!!

lillamy

You go, girl!!! And you'll see, once you start taking control over your life again -- there will be no stopping you!!!!

Hawkeye13

How are you today Butterfly?

I'm so glad you are taking back some control here, by the way.
I believe you will be glad you did

FeelingGreat

You said it Butterfly! He won't like it, I'm sure, because he's counting on you going along with his agenda. You are vulnerable to his lack of approval, so prepare yourself mentally, and even discuss in advance with your therapist.

I'm glad taking back some control has made you feel better. I have a theory that depression is often about feeling helpless and not having control. You go girl

Butterfly

Hawkeye I'm doing ok tearful today and slightly p***ed off. Thank you how's you?

Feelinggreat he isn't going to like it he texted me last week about our car insurances as its up for renewal and he gave me the price which there was no way I could afford, he offered to pay and I would pay him off. I was angry and had a very childish go at him about money how I couldn't afford that and it was aswell he had that type of money that he could just pay for it and that he was financially secure how I couldn't afford to go drinking or have holidays ........... well the text I got back was not nice lots of swearing, how he had spent all morning sorting this out so I would have one less thing to worry about and how he won't F***ing bother next time and how he wasn't F***ing financially secure and was I having a laugh!! So I am worried about how he will react about me not agreeing to his terms of the divorce, his financial support for DS and he will have a fit when he sees he has to bring his financial and pension statements to mediation oh and has to pay for a solicitor!!

He can be very nasty when he's not getting his own way, he always was bad tempered I'm a little scared and worried about what he will say to the kids cos he won't let this go by without saying something. Oh and I found out today that the day he gave me the divorce papers he rang DD and texted DS to tell them.

Sorry need a bit of a vent tonight found out he has joined a gym and is going 4 nights a week and he has been collecting DS at 5.30 instead of 6.30 as he has to get to the gym, again everything is when it suits him before the gym he couldn't have left work before 6 to collect DS from the gym as he had to build his hours up but now that it suits him aghhhh I know his going to the gym is none of my business and I don't know why it has triggered me, maybe because it's just another example of how he is able to come and go as he pleases, do what he wants no responsibilities, doesn't make time to see his kids but does for his mates and the gym!!

I think I'm jealous aswell and wondering why the big push suddenly losing weight. He always told me he wanted to lose weight and tried so many times but couldn't sustain it and hated how he looked how because of his weight he had no confidence and was ashamed of himself, now he's at the gym and looking after himself!!!!

I really want to ring him and talk to him I want to see him, I want him to tell me he's made a mistake and wants help!!

AnvilheadII

he can't fix your insides, butterfly. he IS going to have his own life, and do things his own way and except for what is spelled out in the divorce decree, you have no say in any of it.

you gotta get back to NO CONTACT. and resist the urge to lash out at him via texts. it isn't doing anyone any good.

try to not know everything he's doing, his schedule, his activities. so he joined a gym. big whoop. so he picks his kid up earlier, big whoop. you're creating crises where none exist.

Butterfly

I've had contact 3 times in 11 weeks and it's been him that's broken no contact and yes I know I responded and I shouldn't have and definitely not how I did with the cheap digs. I know I have overreacted and I don't go looking for information about him but the kids tell me things.

I seem to have 1 step forward and 10 steps back!!

hopeful4

Let go....just let it go.

You are WAY too involved in his comings and goings. No wonder it's bothering you.

Here is what I have come to learn in dealing with my XAH.

I talk to him about my kids, and THAT IS IT. I don't try to control what he tells my kids b/c they are wise enough to see through that by my actions. I've no idea what he is doing when he is not with my kids, and that is what is appropriate. I don't talk to him on the phone about anything but our kids. If he tries, I hang up. It only hurts me, not him, so why would I want to do that?!

In reality, my X's time with the kids is his time. How he spends that time is up to him and not anything I can control. This Friday, one of the 7 or 8 days per month he sees them, he is choosing for them to stay w/me so he can see an Elvis impersonator. Sure it's frustrating, but it is who he is, and that has never changed. He is an alcoholic, but more than that, he is the most selfish person I have ever met. That WILL NOT change.

And...I had to tell my kids that while anything that involves them that they need to tell me is fine, other details about his life I really don't need to know. They get it, really.

Let go....

Hugs, I know it's frustrating.

Butterfly

That's the thing I know nothing about his life and what he is up to, except when he doesn't turn up to collect DS for school, all I know is he continues to drink and won't get help!!

DS and I were talking about him going to the gym and he mentioned it. I have said I don't want to know about him unless it is something that affects them.

I suppose I. Need to learn how to manage these times when Im told anything about him!!

I. Know he can't fix me and I have to stop wanting him to.

theuncertainty

Your OP is such a powerful realization, Butterfly! (And it's completely understandable that you're teary and PO'd.)

And can I just say, what an a-- to deliver that news via phone and text to your kids. It shows absolutely no consideration of their feelings - not being there F2F to answer any questions or offer support. But, it's who he is. It's not likely to change.

One of the things that I had to work really hard with was letting go of expectations with AXH. And hands-down, the hardest one was the expectation that he'd act like an involved parent. And sometimes I find that I haven't really dropped that one.

Keep on working on what you need (not what he's doing). You may feel like you've gone backwards, but really, you haven't. You have tools and insights about yourself to use now that you didn't have before.

FireSprite

Butterfly, glad to see you still taking baby steps. Did you happen to read the post I bumped up this morning about Control (it's one of Mike/m1k3's old threads)? I think you'd get a lot out of it because it talks about how our control relates to our emotions/reactions/etc. too, exactly like you talked about in your last post.

Butterfly

I agree he is an A** to tell them that way, but then he hasn't been there to support the kids through any of this he just avoids everything as he can't cope with the guilt apparently so I shouldn't have expected any different!!
He didn't even have the decency to tell me face to face he wanted a divorce!!!!

I do have to lower my expectations of him to nothing!!

Butterfly

Thanks firesprite, I didn't see it but will have a read. I get frustrated with myself that I'm not further on in my recovery especially when I have a good day and the next I'm crying and just want to hide away!!

I think this is an expectation I have of myself that I should feel better than I do!

AnvilheadII

all I know is he continues to drink and won't get help!!


i know i'm like captain of the FUN parade....but you have to let the above go as well. whether he drinks or not, as you two are no longer living together it really isn't your problem now, because you are no longer experiencing the effects of another person's drinking habits.

also, as long as you hold to the notion (hope) that he NEEDS help, you also tie yourself to the FANTASY that IF he gets HELP then he will come BACK.

he is living his life exactly as HE sees fit. and at least for now he is making something of a go at it.....work, seeing the kids (altho not on YOUR schedule), joined a gym, etc. LET HIM. and get invested in your own life, what you do with your day, finding your own new interests. and if the kids bring stuff up, as long as it is not about them being in danger, then tell them to stop you don't want any updates on dad.

hopeful4

I agree, you are sitting the bar too high on yourself. This is still new and will have bumps for you along the way. It does not negate all the good you are doing for you.....don't forget that!

I also sadly agree, expect nothing.....not one single thing. I've learned the hard way.

XXX

Hawkeye13

Hi Butterfly, I'm doing pretty well thanks for asking.
My own husband is drinking more than I like at the moment and I find that upsetting like everyone else around here does. Sigh. . .

So, I underlined that part of your response as I can see how this would be triggering for you and I wanted to send you some support.

I know if I were in your position I would find it very unsettling that he suddenly is going to the gym right after asking for a divorce as well
because it would suggest to me he's starting to think about being single again and getting in shape to "go on the market".
I don't know if that's what's behind some of your stress, but I get it if it is. Maybe I'm misreading your subtext or just plain wrong.
It's also just possible he wants to hang out with his mates at the gym.

It seems to me from reading many posts and looking around in my life that many of these selfish and childish alcoholics do things like this so don't be surprised or broadsided if it happens.
They want to be looked after, get their egos stroked, and to have drinking buddy or at the very least someone who won't interfere with their drinking.

Who gives a crap if he's upset about the lawyer and not getting all his own way? He's behaved terribly to you and your kids and continues to do so.
Texting your kids about serving the papers indeed, and not even facing you honestly to tell you.

You are such a lovely person and deserve so much more in a partner.
Keep NC and no info as much as you can, and let the lawyers handle it.
If he starts trying to dominate / take control of the situation, tell him to f*&^ off himself (you know bad words too I'm assuming) and to get himself a lawyer.

Keep venting all you need here. He's made me so mad I want to vent, and I've never met the man.

Butterfly

Anvil that's the problem well 2 problems actually, he hardly sees the kids, yes he collects DS for school and brings him home again unless it's a day he decides to not go to work then DS is let down but he maybe has them for dinner once a fortnight. DD was there for dinner tonight she finished work at 8.30 went for dinner and was home for 9.45pm!! He certainly doesn't go out of his way to do anything for them. DS was off school for 2 weeks over Christmas, he was off for 3 and he only saw him for about 2/3 max the whole time, saw DD about the same!!

The second problem is that stupidly I do have hope albeit it not so much now that he will get help and want to come home. I keep thinking about everything he told me and that he is only divorcing me so I will move on and not wait about for him incase he decides he wants help! I know this is crazy and completely insane I am having real difficulty letting go and looking at his actions and not listening to his words. I am working on this with my counsellor!

Thank you hopeful sometimes I need reminding that I have made some progress!

Thank you Hawkeye, I haven't had a face to face conversation with him since about sept everything has been done via text, which I hate but he says he can't face me and yes I know he doesn't want to have to deal with anything. I keep all contact to the minimum and as I said only 3 times in 11 weeks and it was him who contacted me, I definitely feel better when I don't have contact.

Yes I suppose this has caused me worry about the gym and he's getting himself in shape for someone else. I honestly don't know how I would cope if he did! I have read about others ex partners here finding someone new as they don't like being on their own, funny he sent a text to my DS the week he was supposedly too ill to see him, not to ill to get blind drunk most nights but anyway saying he was really ill and it was hard first time being sick and on his own!! He's not used to looking after himself and likes lots of sympathy!! He even apologises to the kids when he lets them down via text, I know mobile phones are so handy but seriously they are also used as a cowards way out rather than facing people!!

Your right who cares how he feels about me getting a solicitor and yes I know plenty of bad words lol I need to start standing up for myself and what I'm entitled to and what will help me in my future and my kids future. They are my priority and myself not him!!!

hopeful4

Butterfly, I am going to be blunt. Short of a bunch of quacking, he has not given you any reason to have this hope that he is going to do the right thing by you or your children. That is the reality. It's hard to hear, but there it is.

You must move forward. You must not obsess. Your kids will figure out on their own how he is. You cannot protect them from his crappy actions, it's just not possible.

Give yourself the time you need to grieve and realize it's a step forward and a step back sometimes, and that is ok.

XXX