New to the board and needed to vent
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: naples, florida
Posts: 1
New to the board and needed to vent
Somebody told me about this web site and told me I might want to check into it to see what kind of help I could get from everybody. So here is my story...
I'm 23 years old with a 6 week old daughter. Her father (my boyfriend) and I have been together for 7 years off and on. For the past 7 years we have been fighting over his drug use. I have always said that i'm sick of the drugs and alcohol but I have never done anything to help him stop using. Since our daughter has been born it has been like living in hell. We fight all the time over his problem and just last week it got even worse. My boyfriend has been on probation for almost 6 months now and they decided to drug test him. The drug test came back dirty (no surprise to me), but not for what I thought he was doing. It came back with THC (weed) and cocaine. So now he is facing jail time or more probation. The only problem with this is if he does the jail time he will walk away a free man and will never learn his leason. In my book 25 days behind bars is not going to teach him anything or help him in anyway. As soon as he gets out he'll be back to his old tricks again. If he does more probation all they are going to do is just drug test him once in a while (like they are doing now) and he'll just have to pay more fines. NO CLASS TO GET HIM HELP WITH HIS PROBLEM! I would think that the state would want to help him get better so that he doesn't screw up again rather then just slaping him on the hand and telling him..."No, that was a bad boy, don't do it again". This morning when I was taking him to work he asked me to call a substance abuse counseling center to see if I could get him in to start taking classes. So I did and got him an appointment for tomarrow, but when I called him at work to tell him one of his co-workers heard and started to make fun of him (this co-worker happens to be somebody he use to party with before I put a stop to his friends coming over). Anyway, my b/f called me back and told me that I need to cancel the appointment and try to find a DUI class for him to take instead so that way he can get his drivers licence back. How can I make him realize that he needs to get more help other then just a DUI class that is going to be only a couple of hours one night? Also how do I get him to realize that if he decides to do the time in jail (25 days) that he is going to lose his job and there is no way that I am going to be able to pay rent, day care, food, gas and baby supplies on my $120 a week pay check.
Does he not see what the drugs are doing to his life and to our daughter's life? My life I'm not to worried about anymore, but my daughter has the right to grow up with her Daddy around everyday and not have to deal with the drugs, alcohol and fighting that has been going on. I don't want my daughter to grow up saying that her daddy is in jail because of drugs or God for bid that her Daddy died from an overdose.
Help what should I do?
Rachel
I'm 23 years old with a 6 week old daughter. Her father (my boyfriend) and I have been together for 7 years off and on. For the past 7 years we have been fighting over his drug use. I have always said that i'm sick of the drugs and alcohol but I have never done anything to help him stop using. Since our daughter has been born it has been like living in hell. We fight all the time over his problem and just last week it got even worse. My boyfriend has been on probation for almost 6 months now and they decided to drug test him. The drug test came back dirty (no surprise to me), but not for what I thought he was doing. It came back with THC (weed) and cocaine. So now he is facing jail time or more probation. The only problem with this is if he does the jail time he will walk away a free man and will never learn his leason. In my book 25 days behind bars is not going to teach him anything or help him in anyway. As soon as he gets out he'll be back to his old tricks again. If he does more probation all they are going to do is just drug test him once in a while (like they are doing now) and he'll just have to pay more fines. NO CLASS TO GET HIM HELP WITH HIS PROBLEM! I would think that the state would want to help him get better so that he doesn't screw up again rather then just slaping him on the hand and telling him..."No, that was a bad boy, don't do it again". This morning when I was taking him to work he asked me to call a substance abuse counseling center to see if I could get him in to start taking classes. So I did and got him an appointment for tomarrow, but when I called him at work to tell him one of his co-workers heard and started to make fun of him (this co-worker happens to be somebody he use to party with before I put a stop to his friends coming over). Anyway, my b/f called me back and told me that I need to cancel the appointment and try to find a DUI class for him to take instead so that way he can get his drivers licence back. How can I make him realize that he needs to get more help other then just a DUI class that is going to be only a couple of hours one night? Also how do I get him to realize that if he decides to do the time in jail (25 days) that he is going to lose his job and there is no way that I am going to be able to pay rent, day care, food, gas and baby supplies on my $120 a week pay check.
Does he not see what the drugs are doing to his life and to our daughter's life? My life I'm not to worried about anymore, but my daughter has the right to grow up with her Daddy around everyday and not have to deal with the drugs, alcohol and fighting that has been going on. I don't want my daughter to grow up saying that her daddy is in jail because of drugs or God for bid that her Daddy died from an overdose.
Help what should I do?
Rachel
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: east coast
Posts: 2,440
Rachel,
First of all, I want to welcome you to Sober Recovery. I'm sorry to hear of the pain you are going through over your b/f. There is a forum here called Friends and Family. They may be able to help you more than I, as I am a recovering addict. I know that many people wanted me to stop using a long time before I actually did. It's not that I didn't love the people who wanted me to go for help, I just didn't know that I was slowly killing myself. There is nothing you can do to make him go, but there are things you can do to help yourself get through these hard times. You might want to go to an al-anon or nar-anon meeting. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I know how much my family suffered during my active addiction and I'm sorry that you are going through it.
First of all, I want to welcome you to Sober Recovery. I'm sorry to hear of the pain you are going through over your b/f. There is a forum here called Friends and Family. They may be able to help you more than I, as I am a recovering addict. I know that many people wanted me to stop using a long time before I actually did. It's not that I didn't love the people who wanted me to go for help, I just didn't know that I was slowly killing myself. There is nothing you can do to make him go, but there are things you can do to help yourself get through these hard times. You might want to go to an al-anon or nar-anon meeting. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I know how much my family suffered during my active addiction and I'm sorry that you are going through it.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 7
First, it sounds like this new baby girl is lucky to have such a smart mom as yourself. It takes a lot to do endure the kinds of stress and problems you are dealing with.
As a 23 girl like yourself, who should be a mother just like yourself, my heart aches when I read your story. Do you have family nearby that you could live with until you can support yourself? It seems you can already tell that your b/f needs professional help - but you cant make him go - so if he cant decide between getting help to provide a safe and healthy environment for your daughter to grow up in and/or abusing drugs than I say leave, leave, leave! Go to a friends house, or a neighbor if you can. I know a girl who was in a similar situation, and once the baby came, she left him, and was limiting his visits with their new baby (which the visits had to be supervised). FINALLY the guy got his act together (but is still married), at least, he has held onto a job longer than for 2 weeks, and has quit the compulsive lying.
It is hard enough to be a new mom, let alone to have to be a mom to him and your new baby girl. Stay STRONG, my heart goes out to you. I hope your b/f can realize what a new wonderful responsibility he has as a father, and sometimes at a young age of 23 guys have trouble seeing it.
We are here for you! Stay strong new mommy.
As a 23 girl like yourself, who should be a mother just like yourself, my heart aches when I read your story. Do you have family nearby that you could live with until you can support yourself? It seems you can already tell that your b/f needs professional help - but you cant make him go - so if he cant decide between getting help to provide a safe and healthy environment for your daughter to grow up in and/or abusing drugs than I say leave, leave, leave! Go to a friends house, or a neighbor if you can. I know a girl who was in a similar situation, and once the baby came, she left him, and was limiting his visits with their new baby (which the visits had to be supervised). FINALLY the guy got his act together (but is still married), at least, he has held onto a job longer than for 2 weeks, and has quit the compulsive lying.
It is hard enough to be a new mom, let alone to have to be a mom to him and your new baby girl. Stay STRONG, my heart goes out to you. I hope your b/f can realize what a new wonderful responsibility he has as a father, and sometimes at a young age of 23 guys have trouble seeing it.
We are here for you! Stay strong new mommy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: red deer, alberta, canada
Posts: 18
sometimes the hardest thing to do is let go. you now not only have yourself to take care of but a precious baby that will one day grow up and see this for her own eyes. i dont have advice, just all my love, for you and the little one. maybe the best thing to do would be to put your daughter first and the rest will come. the good is yet to come please hang in there and focus your energy on your sweet babe. you cant change anyone, but you can change the outcome.
lot of love
angelwings
lot of love
angelwings
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