Rehab question
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Rehab question
I am so angry and confused right now, I don't know, about to blow up!
AH was shipped off to a nice Florida rehab yesterday. He was in a state-sponsored detox/rehab before (before we were married, but we were together then), whereby they had 2 week blackout period. During this period he was not able to call me, which is totally understandable - he is detoxing, what good does it do to call me detoxing? Well, I went to a nar-anon meeting, I am about to go in and a phone calls. It's Florida. I am thinking its someone from rehab, maybe therapist or his doctor. I pick up its him. He is angry and mean. He is telling me they gave this this medicine and that and muscle relaxer. And I want to throw up. Really. I do not want to hear his voice, all messed up on drugs, detoxing. Its day one of detox. WHY is he allowed to make phone calls? The number is rehab number, so I know he is in detox, but why is he allowed to make phone calls? He starts telling me how he is not going to stay there for 40 days, how he will just do detox for 7 days and then transfer home. Me, me, me, me and he is angry. I almost banged my head on the dash board. I tried to calm myself down and I said - you cannot come back here if you do not finish this program. Period. You gave me your word that you will stay there to save our family and yourself, so do it and be a man. He said ok, but was very angry.
I don't want him calling me. I am so mad at this rehab. Is this normal? Day one of detox and someone heavily medicated is calling me, manipulating, being angry and messing up my already horrible day? Can I call the rehab and ask them what is going on?
AH was shipped off to a nice Florida rehab yesterday. He was in a state-sponsored detox/rehab before (before we were married, but we were together then), whereby they had 2 week blackout period. During this period he was not able to call me, which is totally understandable - he is detoxing, what good does it do to call me detoxing? Well, I went to a nar-anon meeting, I am about to go in and a phone calls. It's Florida. I am thinking its someone from rehab, maybe therapist or his doctor. I pick up its him. He is angry and mean. He is telling me they gave this this medicine and that and muscle relaxer. And I want to throw up. Really. I do not want to hear his voice, all messed up on drugs, detoxing. Its day one of detox. WHY is he allowed to make phone calls? The number is rehab number, so I know he is in detox, but why is he allowed to make phone calls? He starts telling me how he is not going to stay there for 40 days, how he will just do detox for 7 days and then transfer home. Me, me, me, me and he is angry. I almost banged my head on the dash board. I tried to calm myself down and I said - you cannot come back here if you do not finish this program. Period. You gave me your word that you will stay there to save our family and yourself, so do it and be a man. He said ok, but was very angry. I don't want him calling me. I am so mad at this rehab. Is this normal? Day one of detox and someone heavily medicated is calling me, manipulating, being angry and messing up my already horrible day? Can I call the rehab and ask them what is going on?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Don't call the rehab, they are there to treat him and maybe just trust their methods.
If you don't want him calling you right now...just tell him and either block the number or don't answer.
You get to decide who can call you and who cannot. Just say so.
Hugs
If you don't want him calling you right now...just tell him and either block the number or don't answer.
You get to decide who can call you and who cannot. Just say so.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,618
my AH sweet talked a counsellor into letting him use the phone during detox. It happened only once and his emotions were all over the place.
I agree with Ann. Don't call the rehab. If you don't want the calls go ahead and block them on your end.
I agree with Ann. Don't call the rehab. If you don't want the calls go ahead and block them on your end.
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Ok, I was just wondering. Thank you for advice. He said he will call tomorrow. That's why I was so shocked and surprised. I do not want to talk. So I won't pick up. Also, I am scared. That he won't finish the program if he is not talking. And will somehow make it out of Florida and show up here. I can't have that at all 
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Not to break in on the thread, but if you are in rehab you are not allowed to make any calls until initial detox is completed? A friend of mine is in Rehab for about a week and I was starting to worry because they have not called. Is that normal?
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Originally Posted by airwick 
Not to break in on the thread, but if you are in rehab you are not allowed to make any calls until initial detox is completed? A friend of mine is in Rehab for about a week and I was starting to worry because they have not called. Is that normal?
Why do I need to hear his freaking voice, when he is on some drugs, coming off heroin? What does it accomplish? Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
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Each rehab has different rules about calls home. Some will let patient call during detox but once rehab begins they black-out for a week or two. I was in one of those Fla. rehabs its big business down there. Rehab is as good as the patient wants. They are just there to start the process. It is not a cure.
If he is detoxing from opiates he will be angry its part of it. That doesn't mean he's angry at/with you.
It sounds like you are angry too. Which is reasonable considering your significant other has probably put you through the ringer with his addiction.
My wife told me not to call she didn't want to hear from me. I called anyway because at the time all I thought of was me and my feelings. She wouldn't answer and I left angry messages which she didn't listen to but saved and had me listen to when I got home. It was eye opening.
I also didn't want to stay and did leave after detox. It was a mistake big mistake but this isn't about me.
I wish peace for you. You should work on you. Once my wife started working on herself and let me worry about me it woke me up.
This is where I usually delete what I wrote because I don't think anyone would want to hear what I think but this time I'm going to send. Hoping you know I feel for you and all the F&F who live this nightmare with us
If he is detoxing from opiates he will be angry its part of it. That doesn't mean he's angry at/with you.
It sounds like you are angry too. Which is reasonable considering your significant other has probably put you through the ringer with his addiction.
My wife told me not to call she didn't want to hear from me. I called anyway because at the time all I thought of was me and my feelings. She wouldn't answer and I left angry messages which she didn't listen to but saved and had me listen to when I got home. It was eye opening.
I also didn't want to stay and did leave after detox. It was a mistake big mistake but this isn't about me.
I wish peace for you. You should work on you. Once my wife started working on herself and let me worry about me it woke me up.
This is where I usually delete what I wrote because I don't think anyone would want to hear what I think but this time I'm going to send. Hoping you know I feel for you and all the F&F who live this nightmare with us
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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When my X was in rehab he was allowed to call, even during detox. I think it's nuts, and don't encourage it at all. I would let him know that this is a time to work on him, and while he is at rehab you don't think it's wise to talk for a while. That is what I wish I would have done.
XXX
XXX
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Don't pick up the phone! I know, easier said than done, but maybe it's time to get busy in the business of enjoying your time alone! What do you want to do with your time now that you don't have to worry where he is/what he is doing? Maybe there's something you've been putting off? Your life is calling, so answer that call and let his go to voice mail. And don't listen to the message, for extra points! Can you get a buddy at a codie meeting that you can call for support when you're tempted to pick up that phone?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Just keep in mind that you get to say what is and what is not okay in your life.
If you don't want calls, don't take them.
If he leaves rehab, let him find his own way and if he shows up at your door, tell him he cannot live there.
I know it's hard but he doesn't have the power to mess up your life...unless you give it to him.
Hugs
If you don't want calls, don't take them.
If he leaves rehab, let him find his own way and if he shows up at your door, tell him he cannot live there.
I know it's hard but he doesn't have the power to mess up your life...unless you give it to him.
Hugs
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Thank you everyone. I know what needs to be done, but its so hard. I am not totally heartbroken, where I cannot function. A little part of me is waiting for his phone call, but a BIG part of me is reading threads on SR forum and I am able to relate most of it to my situation. The sad truth is that my AH has been sober with me...well, only when he was in jail. Yes. So all other time he was either on suboxone or heroin or BOTH. So, truly, I do not know who this man really is. His letters from jail don't mean chit since he broke all of the promises 3 days after he got out. So my logical brain tells me - do not pick up and do not talk to him, because its all bs, you cannot believe him. Since its bs why bother?
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Originally Posted by tbeit
Each rehab has different rules about calls home. Some will let patient call during detox but once rehab begins they black-out for a week or two. I was in one of those Fla. rehabs its big business down there. Rehab is as good as the patient wants. They are just there to start the process. It is not a cure.
If he is detoxing from opiates he will be angry its part of it. That doesn't mean he's angry at/with you.
It sounds like you are angry too. Which is reasonable considering your significant other has probably put you through the ringer with his addiction.
My wife told me not to call she didn't want to hear from me. I called anyway because at the time all I thought of was me and my feelings. She wouldn't answer and I left angry messages which she didn't listen to but saved and had me listen to when I got home. It was eye opening.
I also didn't want to stay and did leave after detox. It was a mistake big mistake but this isn't about me.
I wish peace for you. You should work on you. Once my wife started working on herself and let me worry about me it woke me up.
This is where I usually delete what I wrote because I don't think anyone would want to hear what I think but this time I'm going to send. Hoping you know I feel for you and all the F&F who live this nightmare with us
If he is detoxing from opiates he will be angry its part of it. That doesn't mean he's angry at/with you.
It sounds like you are angry too. Which is reasonable considering your significant other has probably put you through the ringer with his addiction.
My wife told me not to call she didn't want to hear from me. I called anyway because at the time all I thought of was me and my feelings. She wouldn't answer and I left angry messages which she didn't listen to but saved and had me listen to when I got home. It was eye opening.
I also didn't want to stay and did leave after detox. It was a mistake big mistake but this isn't about me.
I wish peace for you. You should work on you. Once my wife started working on herself and let me worry about me it woke me up.
This is where I usually delete what I wrote because I don't think anyone would want to hear what I think but this time I'm going to send. Hoping you know I feel for you and all the F&F who live this nightmare with us
I don't know how to work on myself, but I am trying. I guess the main thing is that I think if AH has been on heroin this whole time, our whole marriage, then its all a lie? All of the i love yous, and I will be there for you, etc. How can I trust a person who is not sober and never have been? It's like finding out that your partner has a secret lover that you didn't know existed. They they see almost daily. Makes you question everything.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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Glitterdiva I have been where you are at. My AH used the whole 2 years of our marriage he is due out in Feb and now the letters are coming. I never thought I could be this strong where he is concerned but I've had enough of protecting his feelings and his addiction. Start planning things for you to do. .. hook up with friends book a holiday don't revolve your months around his recovery. There is a really good book called love addict have a read of that. We are hooked into relationships for a reason. Try finding out what your reasons are. X xx good luck
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as has been mentioned, institutions apply their own rules and policies.
my personal experience was of being granted use of my own mobile phone for a couple of hours at evening time throughout the uncomfortable duration of detox. it helped me and my family a great deal. i wanted it to work. so did they. there were tough times and the friendly, loving voices reminded me that i was right where i needed to be.
rehab. no calls for a month. this was what i needed. 100% focus on the deep work that was being done on me whilst i was no longer in acute withdrawel nor under the feeling-numbing influence of substances. after 4 weeks i could just about distinguish my arse from my elbow and so could barely manage the first emotion-packed phone call. again, this was how it needed to be for me.
one word of concern: if you block the number of the rehab from calling you, perhaps if you are the named next-of-kin, how would they contact you in any complex circumstances?
i sincerely hope it all works out well for the whole family, glitterdeva
thanks for your post!
my personal experience was of being granted use of my own mobile phone for a couple of hours at evening time throughout the uncomfortable duration of detox. it helped me and my family a great deal. i wanted it to work. so did they. there were tough times and the friendly, loving voices reminded me that i was right where i needed to be.
rehab. no calls for a month. this was what i needed. 100% focus on the deep work that was being done on me whilst i was no longer in acute withdrawel nor under the feeling-numbing influence of substances. after 4 weeks i could just about distinguish my arse from my elbow and so could barely manage the first emotion-packed phone call. again, this was how it needed to be for me.
one word of concern: if you block the number of the rehab from calling you, perhaps if you are the named next-of-kin, how would they contact you in any complex circumstances?
i sincerely hope it all works out well for the whole family, glitterdeva
thanks for your post!
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Just adding my 2 cents (not like it is needed). I have been in detox - lets see 4 times. Inpatient once. In detox we were allowed to make phone calls at certain times during the day. 2 Phones right there on the wall - not even pay phones. They did deactivate them when group was going on and such, but in between they were turned on. Detox is an emotional time no doubt (and I know this is not his first go around so can be VERY DIFFERENT this time), but being able to talk to my wife and my kids helped me keep my sanity a bit. Also able to call my sponsor.
Again by the forth time around my wife had definitely had it so each situation is different. Inpatient was a bit more restricted, but similar. Pay phones on the wall that were turned on at certain times of day. I guess your options are A-don't pick up OR B-tell him if he is going to be a whiny BITCH you are going to just hang up the dam phone.
Be well!!!
Again by the forth time around my wife had definitely had it so each situation is different. Inpatient was a bit more restricted, but similar. Pay phones on the wall that were turned on at certain times of day. I guess your options are A-don't pick up OR B-tell him if he is going to be a whiny BITCH you are going to just hang up the dam phone.
Be well!!!
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I will probably get dumped on for this and apologize since I am an addict and shouldn't be snooping around on your forums anyway. I don't think there is a one size fits all approach here. Situations can be different and Glitter I am not pointing to your particular situation - just my generalized experience.
Okay SO if your addict is on his 5th rehab and 5th detox definitely we should be way past the point of phone calls. But if it is their first time around and the family is still looking to support them (not enable) what is so terrible about telling your wife you love her and talking to your little kids? Telling them you love them and daddy is getting help.
Yes detox is an emotional period FOR SURE. I know it is natural to project your situation onto others, but situations can be a bit different. Where your addict is at along their path could be much different than someone else. Also when I was in a 30-day inpatient stay I could not wait for my parents, and wife, and kids to come up for family day on the weekend. They would get to sit in with other parents / significant others and learn a few things about recovery. Afterwards we would go outside for a picnic lunch and I was able to run around with my kids for an hour. Yes that was emotional too, but I don't think it hurt my recovery.
So sorry not trying to offend anyone. Just offering up my experience. My heart really does ache for all significant others, family members, and KIDS ESPECIALLY! Addiction is such a nasty soul sucking thing for all involved. Take Care Everyone!!!
Okay SO if your addict is on his 5th rehab and 5th detox definitely we should be way past the point of phone calls. But if it is their first time around and the family is still looking to support them (not enable) what is so terrible about telling your wife you love her and talking to your little kids? Telling them you love them and daddy is getting help.
Yes detox is an emotional period FOR SURE. I know it is natural to project your situation onto others, but situations can be a bit different. Where your addict is at along their path could be much different than someone else. Also when I was in a 30-day inpatient stay I could not wait for my parents, and wife, and kids to come up for family day on the weekend. They would get to sit in with other parents / significant others and learn a few things about recovery. Afterwards we would go outside for a picnic lunch and I was able to run around with my kids for an hour. Yes that was emotional too, but I don't think it hurt my recovery.
So sorry not trying to offend anyone. Just offering up my experience. My heart really does ache for all significant others, family members, and KIDS ESPECIALLY! Addiction is such a nasty soul sucking thing for all involved. Take Care Everyone!!!
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Originally Posted by Marcus
I will probably get dumped on for this and apologize since I am an addict and shouldn't be snooping around on your forums anyway. I don't think there is a one size fits all approach here. Situations can be different and Glitter I am not pointing to your particular situation - just my generalized experience.
Okay SO if your addict is on his 5th rehab and 5th detox definitely we should be way past the point of phone calls. But if it is their first time around and the family is still looking to support them (not enable) what is so terrible about telling your wife you love her and talking to your little kids? Telling them you love them and daddy is getting help.
Yes detox is an emotional period FOR SURE. I know it is natural to project your situation onto others, but situations can be a bit different. Where your addict is at along their path could be much different than someone else. Also when I was in a 30-day inpatient stay I could not wait for my parents, and wife, and kids to come up for family day on the weekend. They would get to sit in with other parents / significant others and learn a few things about recovery. Afterwards we would go outside for a picnic lunch and I was able to run around with my kids for an hour. Yes that was emotional too, but I don't think it hurt my recovery.
So sorry not trying to offend anyone. Just offering up my experience. My heart really does ache for all significant others, family members, and KIDS ESPECIALLY! Addiction is such a nasty soul sucking thing for all involved. Take Care Everyone!!!
Okay SO if your addict is on his 5th rehab and 5th detox definitely we should be way past the point of phone calls. But if it is their first time around and the family is still looking to support them (not enable) what is so terrible about telling your wife you love her and talking to your little kids? Telling them you love them and daddy is getting help.
Yes detox is an emotional period FOR SURE. I know it is natural to project your situation onto others, but situations can be a bit different. Where your addict is at along their path could be much different than someone else. Also when I was in a 30-day inpatient stay I could not wait for my parents, and wife, and kids to come up for family day on the weekend. They would get to sit in with other parents / significant others and learn a few things about recovery. Afterwards we would go outside for a picnic lunch and I was able to run around with my kids for an hour. Yes that was emotional too, but I don't think it hurt my recovery.
So sorry not trying to offend anyone. Just offering up my experience. My heart really does ache for all significant others, family members, and KIDS ESPECIALLY! Addiction is such a nasty soul sucking thing for all involved. Take Care Everyone!!!
And I want to say mean things to him right away, so I have to literally hold back. He called again today and was asking how everyone is and I just sort of gave him an update. The thing is - this is second time he is in rehab during our relationship, first time during our marriage if it makes a difference. The first time he went was when we were dating, I had no idea he has relapsed, we broke up and he ended up on the street pretty much. He had a choice to die or to go to treatment. So he went to detox and then 6 months sober house. We were together for about 6 months or maybe less. When he came out of the sober house, we decided to move in together (big mistake). The first day he moved in I found out that he cheated in that rehab. The girl swore up and down that they didn't have sex, but I a) don't believe it and b) it doesn't matter, something took place, some emotional cheating for sure. I was heartbroken as I waited like a dumb ass for him for 6 months (he was allowed to visit on weekends), I came up there too. I was so crashed that I decided inside me to leave him. It was impossible. It was hell. He begged forgiveness and this and that. One day (about a month him moving in), I was driving from work and i made up my mind - I will not forgive this ****. This man was supposed to get BETTER in there and this is what he does? I told him so over the phone, it was over. He drove to get high and got arrested on the way (what an irony), and apparently a charge caught up with him (which again I didn't fully understand that he was on probabation, which he violated by going to this rehab and not telling his probation officer). Anyway, he got sentenced to 2 years. Oh, boy. The decision should have been so easy - LEAVE HIM!!!! LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE, LEAVE. But I didn't. Because I loved him and also because I was brought up in a way that, basically you didn't leave a man in prison Upbringing, yes We passed all that and got married and here we are..rehab again. And I am mad. All these old feelings are back and I hate this. I don't trust nor believe him and why should I? It was funny he called and immediately proceeded to tell me not to worry because there are only men there now and he loves me and kids and will never ever ever do anything because we are married and he loves me and blah, blah, blah, blah.
Sorry for this long story, I am just lost and mad and I want to say many many bad things to him. Most importantly, I am not sure who he is and why we are together. When you question the very foundation of your marriage, you know, when you have no 'safe' place where you can go and say, here, I can trust him HERE, it is very lonely and depressing and sad.
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I get it Glitter. My post was not intended to offer false hope or this idea that hey we all go to rehab and get better! Unfortunately that IS NOT the case in a high percentage of situations. You story makes me puke in my mouth a bit because it does sound like the typical rehab cliche you hear so often.
Again everyone is here offering THEIR experience and unfortunately there are A LOT of BAD experiences. You need to do what you need to do for yourself. I guess I just want to at least share a positive story every now and then, but again NOT to provide some false hope fantasy story that just isn't there in so many cases unfortunately.
I choose to go to AA meetings these days due to the amount of recovery in the rooms. Like I was always told to try to stick with the winners since my other using friends would drag me down like a lead weight. The meetings I go to if there are 50 people in the room at least 10 have 20 years or more, maybe 15 with 10-20 years then maybe 10 with 1-10 years and the other 15 might be shaky azz newcomers (and there are plenty of alcoholic / addicts around these days). My point being recovery is out there - it is everywhere IF I WANT IT. Problem is do I want it?
Honestly speaking I didn't get out of rehab and do all the right things. Stayed sober for 6 months and ended up going back out. I just wasn't done - I chose to use. Heroin is no joke. I was spending $240 a day on that crap at my worst. Not sure why I am still here sometimes. I thought I was strong enough to use every now and again, but today I believe in my heart of hearts that using 1 time - just 1 time can be a death sentence. No more games. Took me a good 10 years to finally figure that out - better late than never I guess, but just know if you do decide to stick around it could get much much uglier. If it wasn't for the kids pretty sure my wife would be long gone at this point - even with the kids she probably should have kicked me to the curb. I did a ton of damage mentally / emotionally to not only her, but my kids and they were pretty young. I HAVE to live with that today, but what else can I do but try to make the best of everyday and the time I have left.
Again everyone is here offering THEIR experience and unfortunately there are A LOT of BAD experiences. You need to do what you need to do for yourself. I guess I just want to at least share a positive story every now and then, but again NOT to provide some false hope fantasy story that just isn't there in so many cases unfortunately.
I choose to go to AA meetings these days due to the amount of recovery in the rooms. Like I was always told to try to stick with the winners since my other using friends would drag me down like a lead weight. The meetings I go to if there are 50 people in the room at least 10 have 20 years or more, maybe 15 with 10-20 years then maybe 10 with 1-10 years and the other 15 might be shaky azz newcomers (and there are plenty of alcoholic / addicts around these days). My point being recovery is out there - it is everywhere IF I WANT IT. Problem is do I want it?
Honestly speaking I didn't get out of rehab and do all the right things. Stayed sober for 6 months and ended up going back out. I just wasn't done - I chose to use. Heroin is no joke. I was spending $240 a day on that crap at my worst. Not sure why I am still here sometimes. I thought I was strong enough to use every now and again, but today I believe in my heart of hearts that using 1 time - just 1 time can be a death sentence. No more games. Took me a good 10 years to finally figure that out - better late than never I guess, but just know if you do decide to stick around it could get much much uglier. If it wasn't for the kids pretty sure my wife would be long gone at this point - even with the kids she probably should have kicked me to the curb. I did a ton of damage mentally / emotionally to not only her, but my kids and they were pretty young. I HAVE to live with that today, but what else can I do but try to make the best of everyday and the time I have left.
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