addict and relationship quest
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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addict and relationship quest
One thing I will never understand is why someone with an active addiction thinks that they can be in a committed healthy relationship?
I'm hoping someone can shed some light on this for me...
This has been my situation for the past year and a half. I care about him deeply, but will not and cannot be in a relationship with an addict. Why does he think the opposite? Why don't addicts realize that they need to focus on themselves and being with a partner will only complicate matters and cause further pain...?
with thanks.
I'm hoping someone can shed some light on this for me...
This has been my situation for the past year and a half. I care about him deeply, but will not and cannot be in a relationship with an addict. Why does he think the opposite? Why don't addicts realize that they need to focus on themselves and being with a partner will only complicate matters and cause further pain...?
with thanks.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: FL
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I do not wish to be too harsh, but normally addicts can only focus on themselves, emotionally, mentally, financially and physically. But there is one bold possibility I sometimes think about, that because drugs alter people's mind, and especially when people are getting off from the high, they feel the void and emptiness in life flooding back and engulf them. Therefore, it seems like they want to chase that constant high. Another alternative, including having a gf seems more than appropriate to fill that void than anything else. I am not sure if my thinking is too extreme. Plus we can never understand how addicts really think. But that is only my thought.
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My experience has been that addicts and alcoholics seek out caretakers. The last thing they want to do is focus on themselves. I don't think the goal is to cause pain, but to avoid reality. It is up to us as partners to protect ourselves with boundaries and refuse to accept unacceptable behavior.
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PO...
I see this is only your second post with us since last September, so welcome back.
As for your question, I find this fascinating:
Because they're not capable of that sort of thinking. You have to understand that addiction is an incredibly selfish state of being. He basically wants to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, but he doesn't want to pay a price for it at the same time.
In any event, his thinking doesn't matter, because you've already decided that you "will not and cannot be in a relationship with an addict.". That's a hard, firm boundary. And if he's insistent, cut ties. Problem solved.
Don't waste your energy trying to come up with an answer as to why he does and thinks how he does. That rabbit hole is infinitely deep...
I see this is only your second post with us since last September, so welcome back.
As for your question, I find this fascinating:
Why don't addicts realize that they need to focus on themselves and being with a partner will only complicate matters and cause further pain...?
In any event, his thinking doesn't matter, because you've already decided that you "will not and cannot be in a relationship with an addict.". That's a hard, firm boundary. And if he's insistent, cut ties. Problem solved.
Don't waste your energy trying to come up with an answer as to why he does and thinks how he does. That rabbit hole is infinitely deep...
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Active addicts are not rational people. A lot of times they don't even realize how big of a problem they have and they definitely don't think of how it impacts others.
Codependency too, I think.
You'll drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of it.
Codependency too, I think.
You'll drive yourself crazy trying to make sense of it.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 177
Originally Posted by purpleorchid 
Why don't addicts(insert codependents here) realize that they need to focus on themselves and being with a partner (insert active addict here) will only complicate matters and cause further pain...?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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[QUOTE=Justbreathe1980;5148694]I think we all crave affection and the desire to be with someone. Being alone is not easy, not even for addicts. They strive to be addicts and also fill that void for love at the same time.[/QUOTE]
Many addicts are also codependents, but it is not until much later that they realize it.
There are hundreds of reasons why anyone would want love or a relationship. Getting married on the basis of love alone is a relatively new phenomenon in the modern world.
People have entered relationships for money, power, political gain, and to improve social status for [thousands and thousands of years I don't believe it's that easy to blot out generations of social behavior, simply because we have been "free to choose" for the last 200 years. Addicts seek relationships for all of these reasons, but rarely for love.
I have heard many people compare using drugs to cheating, but they've got it backwards. They think that they are the spouse and the drug is the mistress, but in the addicts mind, it's the other way around. The drug takes the priority that a spouse would take, and their partner takes the priority of a mistress or fling on the side.
If I have a relationship with someone, then Im not too far gone. It acts like an invisibility cloak for the addiction to hide under. This is the downfall of "whitecollar addicts" I can say "well, I'm not in the gutter, they will let me stay... they love me just the way I am. I don't need to change. Im happy this way."
Many addicts are also codependents, but it is not until much later that they realize it.
There are hundreds of reasons why anyone would want love or a relationship. Getting married on the basis of love alone is a relatively new phenomenon in the modern world.
People have entered relationships for money, power, political gain, and to improve social status for [thousands and thousands of years I don't believe it's that easy to blot out generations of social behavior, simply because we have been "free to choose" for the last 200 years. Addicts seek relationships for all of these reasons, but rarely for love.
I have heard many people compare using drugs to cheating, but they've got it backwards. They think that they are the spouse and the drug is the mistress, but in the addicts mind, it's the other way around. The drug takes the priority that a spouse would take, and their partner takes the priority of a mistress or fling on the side.
If I have a relationship with someone, then Im not too far gone. It acts like an invisibility cloak for the addiction to hide under. This is the downfall of "whitecollar addicts" I can say "well, I'm not in the gutter, they will let me stay... they love me just the way I am. I don't need to change. Im happy this way."
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