marinadances

Hello everyone, I'm not new here I have posted a few times about other issues surrounding my boyfriend's opiate addiction.

Details: I am a 26 year old teacher, he is a 34 year old pedicab driver. He used for all of 2014 without me knowing, but when things reached a fever pitch I decided to leave him--that's when he came clean with me about the truth. He promptly enrolled in methadone clinic and has been attempting to taper slowly off since.

Overall things have improved. He has been honest with me, mostly on time, and has been able to spend all the holidays with me without problems. He is generally more present. His disposition is greatly improved. He has goals and know what he wants for himself and for us.

My question is regarding communication. It's still really weak. Like, not on the sense that our communication is shallow or anything, but in the sense that it's sporadic on a daily basis. It's really hard to get a hold of him and I call relentlessly out of worry--I know it's not good for me. I call and call until he picks up! Sometimes he never does, and I have been known to just show up at his place out of desperation to know that he is okay.

Well last night I was in the area and I called him to see if I could stop by because I was at a birthday dinner earlier. I thought he was working all day, it was a beautiful sunny day in California. Well he wasn't. My call woke him up at 830pm. He felt very torn between seeing me and going to work the evening, so I said no pressure-I asked him to call back in 10 mins to see if I should stop by. He never did call back! Of course I called 15 times. He never answered. I went home and went to sleep. Today he still hasn't contacted me, and it's almost noon.

Does anyone have any experience or suggestion fore on how to deal with this? Does this mean he is probably using? Or is the taper causing pain for him and making him only able to sleep during odd hours? The inability to get a hold of him is killing me. I have high blood pressure and I am gaining weight and losing sleep. What do I do or say in this situation?

We have had so many heart to heart conversations and each time I think it's gonna be different. It's not.

Anything anyone has to offer would be greatly appreciated. Thank you...

zoso77

Marina...

Allow me to turn this around on you a bit.

What you're trying to do is have a mature, responsible, accountable relationship with someone who is none of those things. He is not emotionally available. And you know this to be true, because after each heart-to-heart, nothing changes.

Based on this, you have a decision on your doorstep that I'm guessing you don't want to make.

Hope7726

My ex-bf was always using for many months without me realizing. Then he supposedly quit when he got caught. He claimed to be in recovery. I still don't know if he ever really was.

Trust your instincts on this one. It's so difficult and painful to accept that the person we love is not who we thought he was. It's easy to keep telling ourselves that he will change, and things will get better. We gain so much hope from positive conversations. But words mean nothing. Only ACTIONS matter.

marinadances

Hi again and thank you both for replies. I just can't stomach the idea of leaving when everything has been good aside from this communication issue! It brings me such anxiety. He STILL has not even called me today... He said he would call me at two. It's already past 430pm now.

Can I ignore him back? Should I ? How would an addict react to that?

Thank you,
Marina

zoso77

Marina...

Things are not "good". Your boyfriend is addicted to opiates. Any sort of addiction is horrible, but opiates are especially bad. Imagine a state where absolutely nothing matters at all. It's a chemically induced euphoria, and nothing matters to an opiate addict except getting to that place where nothing matters. That includes keeping their commitments to other people.

Sometimes in life we're confronted with situations where we have to make difficult decisions. At some point, one of those decisions will be knocking on your door. Now, you can try to ignore that knock, but it isn't going to go away. If anything, that knock will get louder, and you'll be forced to do something that you think is unimaginable.

And I empathize with that. I really, really do. But when we get into this state --

-- because of another person, that isn't healthy.

So, in short, you shouldn't have expectations of anyone who can't meet them. An opiate addict cannot meet them.

Regarding your health...hydrate. No soda, no alcohol, nothing with any sugar or high fructose corn syrup. Either water or low sodium seltzer. That will flush the cortisol out of your system, and your stress will be reduced. And try to make time for some form of aerobic exercise 3 days a week for 30 minutes. This will get your endorphins firing and make you feel better. If you're in California, simply go for a walk outside, bring some headphones and an iPod/iPhone, dial up some tunes, and you're good to go.

Take care of you.

emmireu

Your post hit so close to home for me. Especially chilling was the memories of the lack of sleep, the constant anxiety, and the weight gain.

I left my bf in November, whom I love so much even as I type this. However, his treatment of me was not enhancing my life. I was always second to whatever else he was doing. I am not saying your bf is using, but it's the constant addict behavior that is the issue. That is what my bf's time at methadone treatment did not address. Why he was an addict in the first place and why didn't they address it? Just because you are no longer using does not mean you are not still an addict.

He does whatever he wants, while you agonize and worry. I was left home alone with no calls, no texts, no nothing AND we lived together! I was so scared and anxious all the time!

Be kind to you. I have found this site to be so helpful and guiding when I want to fall to pieces. I read for WEEKS before posting. Surround yourself with love and support.

I am struggling myself, and so heartbroken. I have to believe that he will healthy decisions- I am putting me first and will see what the future holds. It's so scary, but there is so much support.

kj3880

In the end it doesn't even matter if he's using or not. The way he treats you, not returning your calls, leaving you hanging, shows that he doesn't care about you the way you care about him. Isn't that enough for you to let you know that you should move on? You deserve someone who can love you the way you love.

suki44883

I know this is going to sound rude, but, if someone called me 15 times in one evening, I wouldn't answer the phone anymore, either. Whether using or not, no one likes to be smothered. I understand your reasons for trying to contact him so much, but the bottom line is, if he wants to use, he is going to use. Trying to keep in constant contact with him won't change that. He'll just evade and ignore you.

I can't tell you what to do, but if it were me, I'd move on. He is not good relationship material.

atalose

You have a constant "need" to cling and seek reassurance from him by all those phone calls. He has the "need" to use and isolate away from someone trying to cling to him.
Polar opposites do not a healthy relationship make.
Try and focus on you and accepting that your needs can't be met by this guy.

marinadances

I really appreciate everyone's replies and I agree with all of you. I'm so clingy. He is my first love. But I have so much hope how can I release it? How do I get out of this? I hate myself lately, I feel so weak, like I can't leave and also can't stay. I hate that he has an on/off button in our relationship and I have to just go with it. How do I get out? Last time he just convinced me to stay. I don't know what to do any more. So so so lost. I have never broken up with anyone I love.

Marina

glitterdeva

All I can say is what I have experienced with opiate addicted AH - when he all of the sudden doesn't answer my calls, he is using. Sometimes he just disappears for the whole day, in which case he is using a lot. I don't know your particular situation, but with addicts, if you think something is off, it is off

kj3880

How to let go? Just pray, take a deep breath, and say into the wind "I release you to God (or whomever you pray to). I'm going to take care of myself now." And then turn your back and your mind to taking care of you! What do you like to do? Do you have any fun hobbies you've been letting go? Are you taking classes? Which ones do you love? What career are you going for? Put the focus back on you, love, and the rest will follow. It's not as easy as it sounds, but with your higher power's help, you can do it!

ting

I shared a opiate addiction with someone I loved very much and was with 8 years. I still call him my soul mate. I had to walk away from the relationship so I could get clean as he didn't seem to want to. He was never mean to me or lied or anything like that but if I didn't walk away from this person I loved I was never going to get well. It's a very hard addiction to escape and you have to want to get out bad to make it.
14 years later he is still on opiates.

--------------------------------------------------- "Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a day without any new mistakes in it yet?" Anne of Green Gables.-

zoso77

I have. In fact, I was just a bit younger than you when I did it. Drugs weren't even in the picture then. I loved her dearly, too. But I had to let her go, and it sucked. It really, really sucked.

Love is not a life sentence in that because you love someone, you're supposed to stay with them forever. And just because you end a relationship doesn't mean you don't still love the other person.

What it does mean, in your case, is his addiction has made it impossible for you to stay. For relationships to work, both parties need to follow the same rules. But addicts don't follow any rules. They do what they want and expect the other party to simply deal with it.

By letting him go, you're telling him you love him but can't be with him because he is not capable of giving you what you need.

FeelingGreat

marina, regardless of whether he's using, this obsessive calling would annoy anyone. If a partner did that to me, I would make a point of not answering the phone.

I know how painful first loves can be, in fact they're never that hard again. You know you need help to sort out your feelings. Is there a counselling service associated with your job? If so, please access it, or some other form of counselling. You might also read Melanie Beattie's book Co-dependent No More.

You can get through this. You're obviously smart and self-aware. Harness those powers.

Hope7726

I'm so sorry Marina. I understand your pain. And the damn on/off switch. It's maddening!

I'm sure you've heard the saying, "change only happens when the pain of holding on is greater than the fear of letting go." It sounds like you're at that point. Getting out will certainly be painful but I promise you, the pain of loving an addict is worse. Please take care of yourself. And remember that just because you love someone doesn't mean you are meant to be with that person. Love DOES NOT conquer all. Addiction conquers all.

SadOnEarth

When I was dating my AXBF similar things happened all the time. Sometimes he would even find excuses to get mad at me and stormed out -- so he could go around get his fix and chill with people who put no pressure on him when he was using, ignoring my calls for all day. He was dealing with drugs too because the cost of oxy was soooo high, it was hundreds a day. So all his day, the moment he woke up, he thought about how to make some money and then how to get that fix. If we had any arrangements for the day, any plans, they were always second to him getting the money or using drugs. That was when we were living together.
There was a period of time, he packed his stuff and lived with his "best friends" (who do oxys with him together) and talked bunch of S*** about me because I always "kill his high". During that time, he would disappear for days and nights, ignore me completely, and maybe at some time early in the morning, after whole nights of drug binge or whatever he was doing, showed up at my door step and crashed, and woke up continue the same cycle till I somehow gave in and turned blind eyes on his drug abusing behavior. Those days I suffered serious anxiety and it was back then I found this website and started to realize, he is not capable of a mature relationship. He needs to get high and i was the roadblock, so he gets away and ignores me. None of us should take such behavior personal, its not us, its them.

sevenofnine

OP, there is a lot going on in your post. We have drugs. First love on the rocks. Age difference. Relationship seeming to have an off switch. Compulsive phone calls and anxiety around lack of contact... I am seeing some flags here.
But I am just going to look at the phone calls right now. That is a concrete thing, and it is something YOU control (unlike whether or not someone does drugs or loves you).
I have been there, calling, filling up voice-mail boxes, having his roommate leave their phone off the hook because he couldn't handle it ringing any more. I can observe that the very fact that I was calling so obsessively was enough reason for this guy to want to avoid me. So let's recognize that high volumes of calls/texts/unexpected visits is probably not going to get you what you want or need; it isn't putting him in a place where he will discuss feelings and connect emotionally. I just ain't working.
Time to make a new plan.
What triggers these freakouts from you? Can you recognize when your judgement is becoming impaired by a compulsion to make contact at any cost? Since bombarding him with calls doesn't work, you need to not do that. What can you do?
-get busy with something, like cleaning the house, cooking, work, reading....I don't know what you like to do, but doing something else may help you when sitting with bad emotions feels intolerable
-if you are having a stronger day, allow yourself to sit and feel those intolerable emotions for a just a tiny bit without doing anything. Feel your body's reaction. Observe your thoughts and inner dialog. But without trying to fix anything. The point of this is to build up your tolerance for feeling negatively, without letting the discomfort force you into unwanted behavior. Bad feelings are a logical, normal reaction to a bad situation, so you can give yourself permission to feel them without immediately trying to fix them. The goal is to disconnect the bad feelings from the reaction to do something--anything (like calling over and over), because in reality, that reaction is not involuntary. You can feel the feels without making 20 calls.
-if you feel like you need him to hear something, write it down so you can properly share it when he actually is ready. A plus of this is that you may be able to phrase things better to communicate more effectively later when you are more calm too. Then allow yourself to set it aside for a bit. That doesnt mean just ignore it and pretend things are ok. Just give yourself permission to put it on the shelf for a bit, so it doesn't consume you in the meantime while you wait for that better time to talk. When I feel my emotions are ignored, it triggers me to feel that I need an immediate solution. But trying to solve things immediately, while in the middle of that panic is pretty futile. Give yourself permission to hold on to that feeling for later and give it the attention it needs *when it will be genuinely productive*
-consider turning your own phone off. Make a decision to not be waiting for that call. You have lots of things to take care of in life (work, chores, maintaining relationships with friends) that will be a more productive use of your time. Turning off the phone means you aren't glancing at the clock watching hours slowly drag by, getting more and more anxious with swirling what-ifs.
-give yourself a time limit for being freaked out. Maintaining a state of high alarm for hours only makes you get nuttier. So, give him an hour, say. And then if you are still there in an hour with no new developments, make yourself do something else and focus on something else.
None of these suggestions do a darn thing to improve your relationship, make him sober, make him emotionally available etc. This is just about building up your own self to a place where you are strong enough to handle the distress without feeling compulsed to take actions you know are counterproductive.

Bowielover7

Hi! I’m so compassionate to your situation as I have been is one that has similarities. I didn’t ever call my boyfriend because my daddy told me never to call boys. But texting was another story; I’d get worked up after being ignored and fire off 5-6 irrational texts. I’m here to tell you, these behaviors accomplish nothing. Especially dealing with an addict. There is nothing you can say or do that will change the way he treats you, his behavior or his drug use. It’s simply not about you although it feels so damn personal. Accept the truth so you can begin to move on and remember, actions speak louder than words. No response is a response.