I Miss Living With My Parents
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I Miss Living With My Parents
Not doing too well right now. The good news is that I still have my 78 days sober. The bad news is that I am stuck in this torture. My husband has gone back to drinking a few weeks ago, and I have chosen to stay with him. I have told him, however, that I will not choose to be around him if he has more than 32 ounces of beer (he usually has 16 ounces each). I know that this is a false sense of control, but hey, I am just hanging on to whatever false hope I can right now. Although he has kept this amount, the darkness has set in. To sum it up, he becomes so preoccupied with those beers that frustration in my life sets in. And when he is not drinking beer, he is smoking weed all of the time. I am always driving, and he often has a bad attitude because of his non-recovered life. And then he is always telling me that he loves me more than anything. I am just so confused. I miss my parents. At least I had them to look forward to when I was living with everyone. Now I feel I just have my addict husband. My life has become smaller since moving out, whereas before more stuff was going on in my life when I was living with my parents. I started to cry tonight but could not finish since my husband wanted me by his side in bed. I don't want to let my parents or sister know what is going on because I don't want to worry them. I need to start going back to AA and Al-Anon meetings which I have been neglecting. You know how happy people fear death because that will be the end? Well, I am not suicidal, but I don't fear death as much anymore because my existence is pretty painful right now. Thank you for this forum as a place to let my feelings out.
P.S.- I just asked my husband if he is proud of my sobriety. He told me that he is b/c I am doing a good job. I asked him if he could help support my sobriety by not overdoing his drinking. He said yes. Oh well.
P.S.- I just asked my husband if he is proud of my sobriety. He told me that he is b/c I am doing a good job. I asked him if he could help support my sobriety by not overdoing his drinking. He said yes. Oh well.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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JB, the goalposts have moved again. Earlier you had plans to leave if he relapsed. Now it depends on how many ounces he drinks. What if/when he becomes violent again?
I knew my marriage had to end when I started planning for having maybe 10 good years after he died to enjoy my life. How sad is that. Then I started thinking, what if he doesn't die before me. What if this IS my life, forever?
Stop looking for sympathy and validation from an addict. Think about what YOU want for your life. This is not it, is it?
I knew my marriage had to end when I started planning for having maybe 10 good years after he died to enjoy my life. How sad is that. Then I started thinking, what if he doesn't die before me. What if this IS my life, forever?
Stop looking for sympathy and validation from an addict. Think about what YOU want for your life. This is not it, is it?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Texas
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No, this is not what I want from my life anymore. I just can't leave right now.
He just woke up from bed and said to me, "What are you doing my love?"
You see, that is just it. There still are too many loving things that make me feel guilty for wanting to leave.
It's just really difficult right now for me.
By the way, if he becomes violent, then I am pretty sure that will be it.
He just woke up from bed and said to me, "What are you doing my love?"
You see, that is just it. There still are too many loving things that make me feel guilty for wanting to leave.
It's just really difficult right now for me.
By the way, if he becomes violent, then I am pretty sure that will be it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Do you know that if he becomes violent again, that just one hit in the right place can end your life? I was hit a lot. Some very close to where he could have killed me. Or at least one where he threw a cup at me, and he just missed where he could have blinded me in that eye. I didn't care about my life at that time, I just wanted to prove that I was right and he was wrong. It could have ended my life.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
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Originally Posted by amy55 
Do you know that if he becomes violent again, that just one hit in the right place can end your life? I was hit a lot. Some very close to where he could have killed me. Or at least one where he threw a cup at me, and he just missed where he could have blinded me in that eye. I didn't care about my life at that time, I just wanted to prove that I was right and he was wrong. It could have ended my life.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
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Originally Posted by CodeJob
congrats on your sobriety JB! Please always be ready to scram and be safe. I am concerned your H is swinging back into previous behaviors.
I will say this. He now has begun to bring his phone everywhere, as he remembers the last time he got belligerent when I left him on the side of the highway without a phone.
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Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
Thank you. This is my concern as well.
I will say this. He now has begun to bring his phone everywhere, as he remembers the last time he got belligerent when I left him on the side of the highway without a phone.
I will say this. He now has begun to bring his phone everywhere, as he remembers the last time he got belligerent when I left him on the side of the highway without a phone.
((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Dec 2007
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JB,
Congratulations on maintaining your sobriety, that's awesome.
I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time right now. I remember how I started to isolate myself from family/friends and what it felt like to be consumed by my husband's addiction. You're right, it is a painful existence. But it doesn't have to stay that way.
You have the power to live your life any way you want to. You can reconnect with loved ones and do something that lifts your spirits.
It's up to you if this is the life you want for yourself. For me, I realized I did not want addiction and everything that comes with it (lies, guilt, manipulation, anxiety, worry, fear, etc.) in my life. It was no way to live. It was also a direct conflict with everything I truly valued: love, respect, trust, family. I felt that my husband's addiction was consuming my life and changing me in ways I did not like. I was waiting for him to change, and when that change did not come, I realized that the one that needed to make changes was me. The phrase "Nothing changes if nothing changes" kept playing over and over in my head.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you take time to care for yourself. You are a strong person and you've already accomplished so much with your sobriety. Sending you lots of prayers and hugs.
Congratulations on maintaining your sobriety, that's awesome.
I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time right now. I remember how I started to isolate myself from family/friends and what it felt like to be consumed by my husband's addiction. You're right, it is a painful existence. But it doesn't have to stay that way.
You have the power to live your life any way you want to. You can reconnect with loved ones and do something that lifts your spirits.
It's up to you if this is the life you want for yourself. For me, I realized I did not want addiction and everything that comes with it (lies, guilt, manipulation, anxiety, worry, fear, etc.) in my life. It was no way to live. It was also a direct conflict with everything I truly valued: love, respect, trust, family. I felt that my husband's addiction was consuming my life and changing me in ways I did not like. I was waiting for him to change, and when that change did not come, I realized that the one that needed to make changes was me. The phrase "Nothing changes if nothing changes" kept playing over and over in my head.
Whatever you decide to do, I hope you take time to care for yourself. You are a strong person and you've already accomplished so much with your sobriety. Sending you lots of prayers and hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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I have never hit or threatened my wife with physical abuse and I never will.
However, during my drinking years I could be very, very sweet and say all the right things on occasion. Sometimes I meant it and sometimes I did it out of guilt that I had misbehaved and sometimes I just did it without really knowing what I was thinking or what I was saying because I know she liked it.
Don't assume it is always heart felt and especially don't allow it to paper over other cracks is all I am saying.
However, during my drinking years I could be very, very sweet and say all the right things on occasion. Sometimes I meant it and sometimes I did it out of guilt that I had misbehaved and sometimes I just did it without really knowing what I was thinking or what I was saying because I know she liked it.
Don't assume it is always heart felt and especially don't allow it to paper over other cracks is all I am saying.
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And then he is always telling me that he loves me more than anything.
What I hear it that if it were not for you, it would be difficult for him to continue his drinking/using.
I hope you stay safe.
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Santa nailed it - you keep moving your boundaries & accepting more unacceptable behavior. I'm sorry you are feeling so low, but I'm not at all surprised as he has NEVER shown a sliver of interest in getting or staying sober. I'm concerned that you might hang in there until things DO become violent or you relapse yourself as a result of the stress.
And the rest JB, is just WORDS. Words that literally have no meaning, words that amount to zilch. His actions are showing you who he truly is and that isn't the person you keep telling us you want a relationship with.
There's an old, hard saying around here that I just love because it cuts through the BS in almost any situation: "You don't have a problem so much as you have a solution you don't like."
No matter what, you cannot make him want to be a better/different/sober person but you DO have a wonderful, healthy, loving family waiting to help you move on to the next, better stage of your life. It's up to you, you aren't without options. ((((HUGS))) & many congrats on your sobriety! You have worked hard to earn that sobriety so please, please honor it above everything else right now.
And the rest JB, is just WORDS. Words that literally have no meaning, words that amount to zilch. His actions are showing you who he truly is and that isn't the person you keep telling us you want a relationship with.
There's an old, hard saying around here that I just love because it cuts through the BS in almost any situation: "You don't have a problem so much as you have a solution you don't like."
No matter what, you cannot make him want to be a better/different/sober person but you DO have a wonderful, healthy, loving family waiting to help you move on to the next, better stage of your life. It's up to you, you aren't without options. ((((HUGS))) & many congrats on your sobriety! You have worked hard to earn that sobriety so please, please honor it above everything else right now.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 765
JB
Your life should not hinge on what your husband says or does. You can each only be responsible for your own recovery programs.
I'm happy you are holding on to your abstinence and getting back to AA is an excellent idea.
We settle for less thinking there are no other options. Our fear keeps us stuck.
Fear of being alone, fear of being good enough etc.
We look for people to save us and validate us when really there's a whole program of recovery that can be worked if you're willing. It is there you will find a relationship with God and you will know your worth and will never be alone again.
Your life should not hinge on what your husband says or does. You can each only be responsible for your own recovery programs.
I'm happy you are holding on to your abstinence and getting back to AA is an excellent idea.
We settle for less thinking there are no other options. Our fear keeps us stuck.
Fear of being alone, fear of being good enough etc.
We look for people to save us and validate us when really there's a whole program of recovery that can be worked if you're willing. It is there you will find a relationship with God and you will know your worth and will never be alone again.
Originally Posted by Justbreathe1980
Not doing too well right now. The good news is that I still have my 78 days sober. The bad news is that I am stuck in this torture. My husband has gone back to drinking a few weeks ago, and I have chosen to stay with him. I have told him, however, that I will not choose to be around him if he has more than 32 ounces of beer (he usually has 16 ounces each). I know that this is a false sense of control, but hey, I am just hanging on to whatever false hope I can right now. Although he has kept this amount, the darkness has set in. To sum it up, he becomes so preoccupied with those beers that frustration in my life sets in. And when he is not drinking beer, he is smoking weed all of the time. I am always driving, and he often has a bad attitude because of his non-recovered life. And then he is always telling me that he loves me more than anything. I am just so confused. I miss my parents. At least I had them to look forward to when I was living with everyone. Now I feel I just have my addict husband. My life has become smaller since moving out, whereas before more stuff was going on in my life when I was living with my parents. I started to cry tonight but could not finish since my husband wanted me by his side in bed. I don't want to let my parents or sister know what is going on because I don't want to worry them. I need to start going back to AA and Al-Anon meetings which I have been neglecting. You know how happy people fear death because that will be the end? Well, I am not suicidal, but I don't fear death as much anymore because my existence is pretty painful right now. Thank you for this forum as a place to let my feelings out.
P.S.- I just asked my husband if he is proud of my sobriety. He told me that he is b/c I am doing a good job. I asked him if he could help support my sobriety by not overdoing his drinking. He said yes. Oh well.
P.S.- I just asked my husband if he is proud of my sobriety. He told me that he is b/c I am doing a good job. I asked him if he could help support my sobriety by not overdoing his drinking. He said yes. Oh well.
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JustBreathe....I totally agree that hitting up AA and alanon meetings would be a good thing for you. You are well aware that you sobriety comes first. But, in addition, we humans are social creatures and too much isolation is not good for us.
We need the "mirroring" that face to face exchanges allow us. It strengthens us and our coping skills get stronger; we thrive better. It lifts our mood! (sound l ike you could use a little of that).
We all, in the end, do what we want to do (unless someone literally, physically, forces us). You are choosing to stay. O.K.--no problema. LOL--you don't need our p ermission for anything. We don't even have any authority to give it (stating the obvious..lol).
You aren't ready to leave. You don't want to leave. (the reason that I know this is because you have told us so....
This is what it is for now. You have made up your mind. However, you are just as free to change you mind, at any time, if you decide to.
People change their minds all the time. I can remember saying "I will never do this" or "I will never do that". Yet, there were times that I did. Sometimes, situations change...or, sometimes we just change....
Why am I rattling on? I just want to emphasize that I don't don't want to see you isolate...cause I have never seen that benefit anyone...it always seems to make everything worse.
dandylion
We need the "mirroring" that face to face exchanges allow us. It strengthens us and our coping skills get stronger; we thrive better. It lifts our mood! (sound l ike you could use a little of that).
We all, in the end, do what we want to do (unless someone literally, physically, forces us). You are choosing to stay. O.K.--no problema. LOL--you don't need our p ermission for anything. We don't even have any authority to give it (stating the obvious..lol).
You aren't ready to leave. You don't want to leave. (the reason that I know this is because you have told us so....
This is what it is for now. You have made up your mind. However, you are just as free to change you mind, at any time, if you decide to.
People change their minds all the time. I can remember saying "I will never do this" or "I will never do that". Yet, there were times that I did. Sometimes, situations change...or, sometimes we just change....
Why am I rattling on? I just want to emphasize that I don't don't want to see you isolate...cause I have never seen that benefit anyone...it always seems to make everything worse.
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2010
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Posts: 13,560
You are not ready, I understand. I danced this dance with my X too. You can only drink on Saturdays. Only one beer. Ok two, but they have to be this size. Ok they have to be this proof of alcohol and no more. I get it. It is a false sense of control, and one you are doing to cope, I COMPLETELY understand. It's ok if you are not ready.
Just keep working on YOU. Keep getting yourself stronger. Have a plan. Be safe. Hopefully you don't need to utilize that plan, but if you do, you should be prepared. Everyone should. The keep working on YOU part is so important. That way, no matter what happens in the future you know you are strong enough to handle it. That is the key.
Tight, tight hugs.
Just keep working on YOU. Keep getting yourself stronger. Have a plan. Be safe. Hopefully you don't need to utilize that plan, but if you do, you should be prepared. Everyone should. The keep working on YOU part is so important. That way, no matter what happens in the future you know you are strong enough to handle it. That is the key.
Tight, tight hugs.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by Santa
JB, the goalposts have moved again. Earlier you had plans to leave if he relapsed. Now it depends on how many ounces he drinks. What if/when he becomes violent again?
I knew my marriage had to end when I started planning for having maybe 10 good years after he died to enjoy my life. How sad is that. Then I started thinking, what if he doesn't die before me. What if this IS my life, forever?
Stop looking for sympathy and validation from an addict. Think about what YOU want for your life. This is not it, is it?
I knew my marriage had to end when I started planning for having maybe 10 good years after he died to enjoy my life. How sad is that. Then I started thinking, what if he doesn't die before me. What if this IS my life, forever?
Stop looking for sympathy and validation from an addict. Think about what YOU want for your life. This is not it, is it?
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I knew my marriage had to end when I started planning for having maybe 10 good years after he died to enjoy my life. How sad is that. Then I started thinking, what if he doesn't die before me. What if this IS my life, forever?
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Protect yourself, and your sobriety.
Get the face support and I'd stop lying about going to AlAnon if you still are, by the way.
He needs to understand that his drinking hurts you and is affecting your relationship.
Interesting about his taking the phone.
Almost like he is expecting to act out.
Careful please!
Get the face support and I'd stop lying about going to AlAnon if you still are, by the way.
He needs to understand that his drinking hurts you and is affecting your relationship.
Interesting about his taking the phone.
Almost like he is expecting to act out.
Careful please!
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