Remembering when I started to see it
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Remembering when I started to see it
A recent series of posts has reminded me about my state of mind before DS was born, but after a few attempts at ending the relationship. Yes, there were several attempts at leaving both before and after DS's birth. Both before and after the wedding, even. I really wish I'd known Anvil when I lived in WA and she could have told me, as she told another here:
And I kind of wish I would have listened.... though, I probably wouldn't have.
Anyway, the posts brought me back to the time when I was trying to figure just out what was going on with the man who was my husband of 2 years. This was long before I found SR. Please, bear with me. By the time I found SR, I couldn't see much good in AXH any more. When I first got here, I didn't want to divorce, even though I was seeing a T and attending a DV support group, but I really didn't see much good. But it wasn't always like that, and I need to let me remember that it wasn't always like that. This will be long. Possibly several posts and probably over a time if I can keep it up. I'm not sure I can... It may not be linear.
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
a good rule of thumb for relationships is to make the SECOND break up the LAST one.
Anyway, the posts brought me back to the time when I was trying to figure just out what was going on with the man who was my husband of 2 years. This was long before I found SR. Please, bear with me. By the time I found SR, I couldn't see much good in AXH any more. When I first got here, I didn't want to divorce, even though I was seeing a T and attending a DV support group, but I really didn't see much good. But it wasn't always like that, and I need to let me remember that it wasn't always like that. This will be long. Possibly several posts and probably over a time if I can keep it up. I'm not sure I can... It may not be linear.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
We were so in love. We'd been through so much: moving to Washington, FINALLY getting married, a couple job changes, moving back to Alaska, his mother passing, so many arguments. But we were so in love and he was trying so hard. There was so much passion, that's all the arguments were. I was sure. Or the stress of everything. It'd even out, right?
One night, he had drank so much he had passed out on our couch. (Sure, it was happening a bit more often, but there was so much going on...) The following day, I'd treated myself with an afternoon of digging through used bookstores alone. Alone, because my husband was more about doing, not reading. If he'd been there, and if he hadn't passed out the night before, I wouldn't have ever picked up one of the books that I did:
Under the Influence: a Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism by Dr. James R. Milam and Katherine Ketcham
As it was, I felt so guilty picking it up. I hid it in the pile of other books I'd picked up, and hoped the clerk wasn't paying attention. I hid it when I got home. I was sure I was being stupid and the book wouldn't help at all. My husband worked hard. When we moved back to be closer to his terminally ill mother, he found a new job before I did. He was the very image of a hard-working, all-American man. Clean-cut, athletic, active, beautiful blue eyes. He wasn't an alcoholic. He couldn't be. I mean you heard that description, right? He was beautiful. He made my heart skip beats and my breath catch. He was not dirty, broke, living on the street. I was sure he was just 'immature'; he'd grow out of the party-ing phase. I did. I did enough of it in high school, that I spent the parties in college just watching people, talking to others who were just kind of hanging out, or playing pool... He'd stop soon. He wasn't, couldn't be an.... alcoholic. So why had I picked up the book....
It was with a horrid fascination that I read the first section, up through chapter 4, The Early, Adaptive Stage of Alcoholism. I saw shadows of my husband there. In the subsections of "Tolerance" and "Improved Performance."
But I still.didn't.believe. Have I mentioned AXH was gorgeous and hard-working? He couldn't be. He wasn't like the alcoholics that lived in the homeless camps around town.
One night, he had drank so much he had passed out on our couch. (Sure, it was happening a bit more often, but there was so much going on...) The following day, I'd treated myself with an afternoon of digging through used bookstores alone. Alone, because my husband was more about doing, not reading. If he'd been there, and if he hadn't passed out the night before, I wouldn't have ever picked up one of the books that I did:
Under the Influence: a Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism by Dr. James R. Milam and Katherine Ketcham
As it was, I felt so guilty picking it up. I hid it in the pile of other books I'd picked up, and hoped the clerk wasn't paying attention. I hid it when I got home. I was sure I was being stupid and the book wouldn't help at all. My husband worked hard. When we moved back to be closer to his terminally ill mother, he found a new job before I did. He was the very image of a hard-working, all-American man. Clean-cut, athletic, active, beautiful blue eyes. He wasn't an alcoholic. He couldn't be. I mean you heard that description, right? He was beautiful. He made my heart skip beats and my breath catch. He was not dirty, broke, living on the street. I was sure he was just 'immature'; he'd grow out of the party-ing phase. I did. I did enough of it in high school, that I spent the parties in college just watching people, talking to others who were just kind of hanging out, or playing pool... He'd stop soon. He wasn't, couldn't be an.... alcoholic. So why had I picked up the book....
It was with a horrid fascination that I read the first section, up through chapter 4, The Early, Adaptive Stage of Alcoholism. I saw shadows of my husband there. In the subsections of "Tolerance" and "Improved Performance."
But I still.didn't.believe. Have I mentioned AXH was gorgeous and hard-working? He couldn't be. He wasn't like the alcoholics that lived in the homeless camps around town.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
His increased tolerance
When we were in Washington, the amount he was drinking was increasing. But it was rare that he'd appear drunk. Rugby games were fun, but usually included trips to the bars after every game. It was usually only after a huge celebration - rugby tourney win or New Year's - that he'd pass out. He seemed fine most of the time otherwise. In fact, most of the times, he could kick back quite a few that left the other guys slurring, but be just fine.
That was the period I remembered as I read the sections on tolerance and improved performance in Under the Influence.
Under a certain tolerance level, the drinker can appear normal, above it he'll appear drunk. My husband's tolerance level seemed to be pretty high, even compared to his teammates who were the same size as him.
According to Milam and Ketcham:
His tolerance was pretty high. But, I focused on the first sentence in the quote above.
That was the period I remembered as I read the sections on tolerance and improved performance in Under the Influence.
Under a certain tolerance level, the drinker can appear normal, above it he'll appear drunk. My husband's tolerance level seemed to be pretty high, even compared to his teammates who were the same size as him.
According to Milam and Ketcham:
Nonalcoholics fairly quickly establish a stable tolerance level which may be high or low. Alcoholics, however, typically experience a dramatic climb in tolerance in the first stage of alcoholism and can often drink huge amounts of alcohol without showing obvious impairment of their ability to walk, talk, think, and react.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Improved performance
Still looking at the Washington time, I could also see the following in my husband's relationship with drinking:
What I remember telling myself as I read this and recognizing my husband, was, but maybe those times, he hadn't had as much to drink as I remembered.
He wasn't an alcoholic. He was hanging with the guys. Now? (When I first read the book)... He was stressed out and drinking a lot. His performance was showing impairment, so he couldn't be an alcoholic. He was just going through a rough patch.
Even when blood alcohol remains at fairly high levels - levels which would overwhelm the nonalcoholic, causing him to stumble, stutter, and sway - the early alcoholic is often able to talk coherently, walk a straight line, or skillfully maneuver a car.
He wasn't an alcoholic. He was hanging with the guys. Now? (When I first read the book)... He was stressed out and drinking a lot. His performance was showing impairment, so he couldn't be an alcoholic. He was just going through a rough patch.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
I put the book down. I was able, within just those few short pages, convince myself that my husband may have a problem with alcohol, but he wasn't an alcoholic. I focused on that improved performance section and his then-current state.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
By the time we had moved to Wasington, a year, I think after he moved in, I had already gotten pretty good at justifying his drinking. Or just not seeing it. I had convinced myself that I was happy. That we were happy and he was just like his friends: boys will be boys; drinking was part of the rugby mentality. It was normal. His teammates had families and jobs and they drank, so it was normal.
He'd spend afternoons or evenings in the garage working on a motorcycle he was restoring, or the car he'd bought soon after we got to WA. A 1971 car that also needed some restoration. There was a fridge there with beer and there was always "one" open while he worked.
When his cousins had a family thing, he was busy, so we didn't go. They'd come see him play, but that was about the only time we saw them. When my family had gatherings, I made excuses for the ones he didn't attend. He would however attend the ones spent on the lake or playing baseball, because there was usually beer to go with the BBQ.
I always drove home, but that was OK, it was a good day with family, and he'd been working so hard. He got along really well with my uncles and cousins; they were just bonding. It's not like he was sitting drinking alone.
He'd spend afternoons or evenings in the garage working on a motorcycle he was restoring, or the car he'd bought soon after we got to WA. A 1971 car that also needed some restoration. There was a fridge there with beer and there was always "one" open while he worked.
When his cousins had a family thing, he was busy, so we didn't go. They'd come see him play, but that was about the only time we saw them. When my family had gatherings, I made excuses for the ones he didn't attend. He would however attend the ones spent on the lake or playing baseball, because there was usually beer to go with the BBQ.
I always drove home, but that was OK, it was a good day with family, and he'd been working so hard. He got along really well with my uncles and cousins; they were just bonding. It's not like he was sitting drinking alone.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Looking back, our time in Washington was the start. When his drinking started the _very_ slow spiral to seriously 'not under control.' But it was, I found out later, not THE start of the signs he might have a problem.
Our time in Washington, wasn't the start of my covering for him, though. I started in Alaska before we moved. It was weird. A few months into living together, and I was already lying about his drinking to protect him. There was a small twinge, but he really was sick; his mom just didn't need to know WHY he was sick. And, I reasoned, maybe it was my fault, I didn't make him leave the pub after the game celebration got going. So, I already believed I had to keep it private and I was already starting to assume responsibility. A few _months_. And I always thought I was smart. Honor and advanced classes, Deans and Chancellors lists, merit scholarship to one of the top colleges in the west. Didn't help me at all.
I'm not sure how to get back to how I tried to figure it all out; right now I'm kind of getting stuck in looking back at the not seeing it and blaming myself part. Again..... sorry.
Our time in Washington, wasn't the start of my covering for him, though. I started in Alaska before we moved. It was weird. A few months into living together, and I was already lying about his drinking to protect him. There was a small twinge, but he really was sick; his mom just didn't need to know WHY he was sick. And, I reasoned, maybe it was my fault, I didn't make him leave the pub after the game celebration got going. So, I already believed I had to keep it private and I was already starting to assume responsibility. A few _months_. And I always thought I was smart. Honor and advanced classes, Deans and Chancellors lists, merit scholarship to one of the top colleges in the west. Didn't help me at all.
I'm not sure how to get back to how I tried to figure it all out; right now I'm kind of getting stuck in looking back at the not seeing it and blaming myself part. Again..... sorry.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Take your time, TU.
Sometimes we can't look back like this until we've come a looooooooooooong way down the road, which of course you have. Thank you very much for sharing this. I am sure a lot of people/newcomers will recognize themselves in your words. I hope you choose to keep exploiting. Please be easy on yourself.
Sometimes we can't look back like this until we've come a looooooooooooong way down the road, which of course you have. Thank you very much for sharing this. I am sure a lot of people/newcomers will recognize themselves in your words. I hope you choose to keep exploiting. Please be easy on yourself.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 85
How similar. How similar. A friend just asked me.. Well you knew he was a problem drinker. I really didn't know how bad the problem would get over the years. The signs were so small then...now they are blaring. Thanks you for remembering. And sharing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 278
Yes, I knew mine was a problem drinker - just hadn't acknowledged to myself quite HOW bad. Yes, I knew he had a history of domestic violence. Sometimes I'd wake up in the middle of the night, my heart thudding against my ribs, thinking "He's got a history of domestic violence!" At the time, I was so much in touch with the fantasy of what I wanted him to be that I ignored the evidence of my own eyes, my gut feelings and the concern of friends.
However, if it weren't for him I'd never have seen the need to attend Alanon. Or visit SR.
Thanks for sharing, theuncertainty. You are certainly in good company here!
However, if it weren't for him I'd never have seen the need to attend Alanon. Or visit SR.
Thanks for sharing, theuncertainty. You are certainly in good company here!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
tu, thank you so much for this, thank you for sharing. It's so hard to look back at the past at time to reflect and think about all of the things that we missed, things that we thought were normal. I've done this. It's really hard to believe sometimes that we sorta knew something was not right, but we had no names for it. The more you live through things, the more that becomes normal to you. You go through years and years, and you don't realize the conditioning that you were going through. Then things get worse, but how much worse then last week, not that much, so we accept more and more.
Again thank you for sharing
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Again thank you for sharing
((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Ayer, MA
Posts: 87
Thank you, uncertainty. please know how much I admire you, and how much I relate to what you've been going through. SR really, really gave me the strength to finally kick my AXBF out of my life, a loooong time coming. I am so grateful for what you have shared 
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
It's weird because I haven't been around SR lately, until just a week or so ago. Uncertainty, you might not remember me, but I remember you and Anvil and a few others as well.
I thank all of you for helping me get through my darkest days. I feel like I need to be here now to help others. It's like when you get 'it', the lightbulb just stays turned on. I have been getting 'it', getting 'it', getting 'it' for SOOO long and the final blow was life altering. It doesn't just happen for most people either. It's cyclical. Life will just twirl around in circles as long as one lets it. It is only when one jumps off the whirliwheel, that it becomes clear.
I appreciate you posting this and hope some of the newcomers read it and realize that most of the people on this board have been through some tough times and dark days. I personally came here hoping that someone could tell me how to fix my xABF, how to get his family to see he needed help and, how I could say the right things, or get justification from others that the way he treated me was okay as long as he got some help. What I got was tough love. I got what I needed. And sometimes Un, that came from you.
I actually left SR for awhile because I kicked the xABF out in July 2013 and then took him back and that for me was humiliating. I couldn't face my own failure. I have since realized that most winners have faltered. Most millionaires have had an unsuccessful venture. I also realized that the world and life isn't supposed to be perfect. It is ok to succeed in my own time and by my own rules.
Thanks for posting this. I needed some reflection tonight. SR has been helping me stay strong and feel connected again to those who have experienced the terrible disease of addiction.
I thank all of you for helping me get through my darkest days. I feel like I need to be here now to help others. It's like when you get 'it', the lightbulb just stays turned on. I have been getting 'it', getting 'it', getting 'it' for SOOO long and the final blow was life altering. It doesn't just happen for most people either. It's cyclical. Life will just twirl around in circles as long as one lets it. It is only when one jumps off the whirliwheel, that it becomes clear.
I appreciate you posting this and hope some of the newcomers read it and realize that most of the people on this board have been through some tough times and dark days. I personally came here hoping that someone could tell me how to fix my xABF, how to get his family to see he needed help and, how I could say the right things, or get justification from others that the way he treated me was okay as long as he got some help. What I got was tough love. I got what I needed. And sometimes Un, that came from you.
I actually left SR for awhile because I kicked the xABF out in July 2013 and then took him back and that for me was humiliating. I couldn't face my own failure. I have since realized that most winners have faltered. Most millionaires have had an unsuccessful venture. I also realized that the world and life isn't supposed to be perfect. It is ok to succeed in my own time and by my own rules.
Thanks for posting this. I needed some reflection tonight. SR has been helping me stay strong and feel connected again to those who have experienced the terrible disease of addiction.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Thank you for your support. Every one here is so amazing. You know that, right? The 'old timers' to the 'newbies'. Nothing about any of this is easy... for any one. I do plan to come back with more on this thread. But I think I'm going to stop calling him my husband, even if that's all he was (or boyfriend or fiance) at the time my memories were created. So he'll be AXH during the rest of this, even though I was full of hope and love during that period. (((((hugs)))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
And I remember you, Chronsweet. I also remember taking or going back to AXH... There was always a brief blinding hope, and then.... "I wish (my sister and her family, my friend/co-worker) didn't know I'd left..." I wasn't ready to be done, as hard as it was, that hope still needed to be worked through. You found the reason and strength to leave, that's what matters. (((((hugs)))))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
