it's time for action...but I can't take the plunge!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
it's time for action...but I can't take the plunge!
Hello everyone!
I have been following the forum for quite a while with out participating.
A little background info:
Married to AH for 11 years, three beautiful children under the age of 8. AH would be considered a functioning A, excels at his day job but progressively distant and unavailable in the home life. Angry outbursts happen at a moment's notice and undealt with depression/ anger issues keep me walking on eggshells.
I have spent the past few months seeing a counselor, meeting with an attorney and basically getting my plan for legal separation in order. I still love my AH very much, when it is good I feel terrible guilt and am unable to initiate "the talk".
I need to do what is best for our children and my sanity. I'm not really sure what my question is, but really, how does one give themselves the final push into action? I am afraid th st st anytime a DUI or worse will happen but don't want to wait for that to be my final straw.
Thank you all, reading through everyone's threads had helped immensely to reassure I'm not the only one going through this. It has also helped in my transition to detachment.
Xoxox
~S
I have been following the forum for quite a while with out participating.
A little background info:
Married to AH for 11 years, three beautiful children under the age of 8. AH would be considered a functioning A, excels at his day job but progressively distant and unavailable in the home life. Angry outbursts happen at a moment's notice and undealt with depression/ anger issues keep me walking on eggshells.
I have spent the past few months seeing a counselor, meeting with an attorney and basically getting my plan for legal separation in order. I still love my AH very much, when it is good I feel terrible guilt and am unable to initiate "the talk".
I need to do what is best for our children and my sanity. I'm not really sure what my question is, but really, how does one give themselves the final push into action? I am afraid th st st anytime a DUI or worse will happen but don't want to wait for that to be my final straw.
Thank you all, reading through everyone's threads had helped immensely to reassure I'm not the only one going through this. It has also helped in my transition to detachment.
Xoxox
~S
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 13
Hi thousand.
I've only been separated for a few months and, like you, was living with an apparently work-functional A who was completely detached at home. I was never able to give myself the final push until presented with a "take me (as I am) or leave me" response to a particularly bad week. If I know now what I should have known two years a go, I would have said: "now is not good enough and I know it is not going to get better. Time to give myself the final push; my love for my AW is not enough." I wish you strength.
I've only been separated for a few months and, like you, was living with an apparently work-functional A who was completely detached at home. I was never able to give myself the final push until presented with a "take me (as I am) or leave me" response to a particularly bad week. If I know now what I should have known two years a go, I would have said: "now is not good enough and I know it is not going to get better. Time to give myself the final push; my love for my AW is not enough." I wish you strength.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
Thousand,
I was not married (engaged) to my A nor did we have children but we lived together and I was also playing step mommy to his 3 children for 5 years. My A was also very high functioning, running his own business, completely detached at home, and also I felt like I was walking on eggshells daily. My anxiety was so off the charts I started losing hair. I am only 2 weeks out (he left me) so I do not have a ton of advice to give because I am in the throes of stress, but my point in responding is to let you know that you are not alone, that people here really care, and you will get some very wise/sound/logical advice from members. SR has helped preserve my sanity. Sorry you are here, but you're on the right website for what you are going through. Big Hugs
I was not married (engaged) to my A nor did we have children but we lived together and I was also playing step mommy to his 3 children for 5 years. My A was also very high functioning, running his own business, completely detached at home, and also I felt like I was walking on eggshells daily. My anxiety was so off the charts I started losing hair. I am only 2 weeks out (he left me) so I do not have a ton of advice to give because I am in the throes of stress, but my point in responding is to let you know that you are not alone, that people here really care, and you will get some very wise/sound/logical advice from members. SR has helped preserve my sanity. Sorry you are here, but you're on the right website for what you are going through. Big Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Thank you both for your replies. It truly means so much that you took the time to respond.
I just get a terrible feeling in my stomach every time I think of saying something. We have spent over half our lives together and it would mean letting go of so many future goals and plans. Even plans for this summer that I know may go unfulfilled if we stay together. Imagining our separation feels so light and sunny and stress free. Its just the initial shock and confrontation/ backlash I am dreading.
Last night he drove home and couldn't even formulate a sentence and fell in the living room. But today he has been super dad. For once. He senses it. ..
I just get a terrible feeling in my stomach every time I think of saying something. We have spent over half our lives together and it would mean letting go of so many future goals and plans. Even plans for this summer that I know may go unfulfilled if we stay together. Imagining our separation feels so light and sunny and stress free. Its just the initial shock and confrontation/ backlash I am dreading.
Last night he drove home and couldn't even formulate a sentence and fell in the living room. But today he has been super dad. For once. He senses it. ..
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Welcome 1,000 words, If you've been reading - I won't hand out the usual advice. I'm glad you posted!
Tricky with a functional A. You feel like you are looking for some kind of rule for them to cross but all the while your heart knows what your head won't accept. You are on a good path & organized!. Hopefully it will spur your H to assess and take charge of his situation.
Tricky with a functional A. You feel like you are looking for some kind of rule for them to cross but all the while your heart knows what your head won't accept. You are on a good path & organized!. Hopefully it will spur your H to assess and take charge of his situation.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I don't think I did it right, but this is what I did. I sat down with my XAH and told him ONE time, I am unhappy, things must change, and if not, our marriage will have to end. Blah blah blah. The holidays came up, he drank on. He begged me to wait until after the holidays, he would prove to me he means he will clean up. Blah Blah Blah. He continued to drink, just being more sneaky. In the mean time, I was making a plan. Socking away some cash, doing things to protect myself financially and mentally.
I will sadly say, I waited until he was good and drunk. It escalated to a point that it was ugly and I ended up pushing him out of the house literally. It had gotten so bad it was going to become physical had I not. I was scared, my kids were scared. He had not been physically violent in the past, this was an escalation. That was it. The last and final day.
I wish I had just done what I thought to do initially, sat him down and instead of saying this is the last time, saying, this is it, I need out. It would have been more peaceful. I could have don't it w/out my kids being around. I would have had a better plan in place.
It is what it is, I cannot change the past. This is just my story and my .02 on this as to what I wish I would have done differently. Having the emergency cash fund was a very very good thing that enabled me to make decisions for myself not dependent on him financially.
I will sadly say, I waited until he was good and drunk. It escalated to a point that it was ugly and I ended up pushing him out of the house literally. It had gotten so bad it was going to become physical had I not. I was scared, my kids were scared. He had not been physically violent in the past, this was an escalation. That was it. The last and final day.
I wish I had just done what I thought to do initially, sat him down and instead of saying this is the last time, saying, this is it, I need out. It would have been more peaceful. I could have don't it w/out my kids being around. I would have had a better plan in place.
It is what it is, I cannot change the past. This is just my story and my .02 on this as to what I wish I would have done differently. Having the emergency cash fund was a very very good thing that enabled me to make decisions for myself not dependent on him financially.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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this is what I did. I sat down with my XAH and told him ONE time, I am unhappy, things must change, and if not, our marriage will have to end
I think what made it hard to "pull the trigger" for me was that I had spent so much time in this marriage that I had taken on his thinking. He told me we were happily married, so I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn't. I thought I needed someone's approval -- like you say, some "last straw" thing that would make everyone say "well of COURSE she can't stay with him after THAT..."
I got it. And people STILL didn't agree with my decision to leave. Our pastor tried to talk me into going back. Friends tried to talk me into going back. What I finally figured out was that it didn't matter what anyone else thought. The only thing that mattered was that I knew the situation was terribly dysfunctional and unhealthy and I was done with it.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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thousandwords....I am thinking about the pioneers who settled this vast country. How they were preparing to go into the unknown to seek a better life for themselves.
How scary that must h ave been for them. Just imagine what that required in those days!
What made the difference for them, I think, was the ability to make a decision for their overall betterment...and....the effectiveness in their planning--PREPARATION.
From your post, it sounds to me like you have already worked on the first part. It is the preparation part that you should turn your focus on......
things like....lining up your support system...like alanon and a counselor
Like educating yourself as to what to expect...C
Considering the practical realities of day to day living....
These kinds of things.
Good preparation will increase your self-confidence. Will Alleviate a lot of your "anticipatory fears".
Fear of the unknown is a big part of what holds us back.
Now, about "the talk", as you put it. Hon, it is already beyond the "talking". He already knows what the problem is. No conversation is going to suddenly part the waters.
It is just that you are afraid of how his reaction is going to make you feel.
All yo really need to say is that "I am going because I need to for myself". All the rest is just window dressing to try to make it more palatable for him (so he won't get mad and blame you).
Don't expect him to be happy. Don't expect him to agree with you. Don't expect him to co-operate and make it easy.
Sometimes, in life....the right decision is also the hardest. No doubt it will not be enjoyable. No use for me to try and sugar-coat.
Remember this....in the big picture: It is short-term pain for long-term gain. GAIN.
dandylion
How scary that must h ave been for them. Just imagine what that required in those days!
What made the difference for them, I think, was the ability to make a decision for their overall betterment...and....the effectiveness in their planning--PREPARATION.
From your post, it sounds to me like you have already worked on the first part. It is the preparation part that you should turn your focus on......
things like....lining up your support system...like alanon and a counselor
Like educating yourself as to what to expect...C
Considering the practical realities of day to day living....
These kinds of things.
Good preparation will increase your self-confidence. Will Alleviate a lot of your "anticipatory fears".
Fear of the unknown is a big part of what holds us back.
Now, about "the talk", as you put it. Hon, it is already beyond the "talking". He already knows what the problem is. No conversation is going to suddenly part the waters.
It is just that you are afraid of how his reaction is going to make you feel.
All yo really need to say is that "I am going because I need to for myself". All the rest is just window dressing to try to make it more palatable for him (so he won't get mad and blame you).
Don't expect him to be happy. Don't expect him to agree with you. Don't expect him to co-operate and make it easy.
Sometimes, in life....the right decision is also the hardest. No doubt it will not be enjoyable. No use for me to try and sugar-coat.
Remember this....in the big picture: It is short-term pain for long-term gain. GAIN.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Gosh you guys are amazing. Truly.
Tonight was a crappy night, AH was rude to our little daughter just because he didn't want to be bothered watching her "cool tricks" aka ballerina twirls. I called him on it, it was heartbreaking for me to see her basically begging for attention. I am tearing up thinking of it now. A few less than pleasant things were said to me and then he went to bed without a word. I'm posting this into the universe just to get it off my chest. I am now going to write a "Dear John " letter to present to him tomorrow. Communication sucks and denial is strong in this one. Oy. Thinking ahead to better times......
Tonight was a crappy night, AH was rude to our little daughter just because he didn't want to be bothered watching her "cool tricks" aka ballerina twirls. I called him on it, it was heartbreaking for me to see her basically begging for attention. I am tearing up thinking of it now. A few less than pleasant things were said to me and then he went to bed without a word. I'm posting this into the universe just to get it off my chest. I am now going to write a "Dear John " letter to present to him tomorrow. Communication sucks and denial is strong in this one. Oy. Thinking ahead to better times......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Thousand - you CAN do it.
I am just a little further than you are now. My 5 y/o recently told me he doesn't want to be a drunk. How heartbreaking to hear my son say that. Not how I expected life raising a child to go.
How did I get out? He got plastered one night and it became verbally abusive and physical. I told him I was calling the cops and he scrammed. The next morning I called his mom/brother and said he has to stay with brother or he can stay on the street. They rescued him and I watched. Things were a little sticky because of the kiddo. I haven't been perfect or made the best/right decisions at all times but I am getting stronger and learning to set boundaries for EVERYONE. Not just the xABF but everyone.
I love your last post. You CAN do this for them. You CAN do this for you.
Dandy answered your question much better than me IMO, but sums it up perfectly by saying this, "It is just that you are afraid of how his reaction is going to make you feel.?"It is just that you are afraid of how his reaction is going to make you feel.""
I am feeling so good lately caring about how I feel about ME and not worrying about how others do. They are responsible for themselves and their own feelings.
Keep SR posted.
I am just a little further than you are now. My 5 y/o recently told me he doesn't want to be a drunk. How heartbreaking to hear my son say that. Not how I expected life raising a child to go.
How did I get out? He got plastered one night and it became verbally abusive and physical. I told him I was calling the cops and he scrammed. The next morning I called his mom/brother and said he has to stay with brother or he can stay on the street. They rescued him and I watched. Things were a little sticky because of the kiddo. I haven't been perfect or made the best/right decisions at all times but I am getting stronger and learning to set boundaries for EVERYONE. Not just the xABF but everyone.
I love your last post. You CAN do this for them. You CAN do this for you.
Dandy answered your question much better than me IMO, but sums it up perfectly by saying this, "It is just that you are afraid of how his reaction is going to make you feel.?"It is just that you are afraid of how his reaction is going to make you feel.""
I am feeling so good lately caring about how I feel about ME and not worrying about how others do. They are responsible for themselves and their own feelings.
Keep SR posted.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Thank you. Yes my son, age 7, is wiser beyond his years and has also vowed to never get drunk like daddy. It breaks my heart.
I am scared and sad, mourning the impending loss if what our family could have been. I know no different than my life right now, almost 17 years of my life with this man. At one time we had the same goals. I am only 31. But I also feel like my life is just starting.
I will keep you all posted. Thank you.
I am scared and sad, mourning the impending loss if what our family could have been. I know no different than my life right now, almost 17 years of my life with this man. At one time we had the same goals. I am only 31. But I also feel like my life is just starting.
I will keep you all posted. Thank you.
Last edited by thousandwords53; 01-19-2015 at 10:17 PM. Reason: typo
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hi there..I'm in the same boat you're in. I have told my AH that I want a separation. He didn't fight it and told me whatever I want we will do. I told him I don't want a divorce but I have to find a way to protect me self from his drinking and driving to which he poopooed the idea something could ever happen while he drinks/drives. Somehow is is different I guess. Whatever.
I have a place to go but 1st have to fix the homes plumbing so I can use the water/toilets.
There are a lot more details but the point is, I gave the ultimatums and didnt stick to them causing my own misery. This time I stuck to it and told him not to come home. When he wanted to talk to the family, I made sure he was sober before letting him in, he talked to everyone and then I let him know. His being sober helped make it as smooth to say as possible. He too knew it was coming as they should when they behave this way habitually. They no better deep inside.
You will do what u need to for your children. My prayers are with you.
I have a place to go but 1st have to fix the homes plumbing so I can use the water/toilets.
There are a lot more details but the point is, I gave the ultimatums and didnt stick to them causing my own misery. This time I stuck to it and told him not to come home. When he wanted to talk to the family, I made sure he was sober before letting him in, he talked to everyone and then I let him know. His being sober helped make it as smooth to say as possible. He too knew it was coming as they should when they behave this way habitually. They no better deep inside.
You will do what u need to for your children. My prayers are with you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Originally Posted by thousandwords53 
I am scared and sad, mourning the impending loss if what our family could have been.
The reality is that I can change what our family can be. And my boy is actually young enough to where I can make a difference by providing him with a different perspective on life. That thought makes me smile. That thought propels me. Since the xABF doesn't live in our home anymore, I have bonded and connected with my DS5 more than I ever have before. Of course I have always cared for him and always loved him and vice versa. It is just much easier to get close with him, to be silly, to play without the stress/pressure of the A in the house. My attention is focused on him. I am not having to stress on the A coming home, calling me names, going to get 'one' more beer, saying bizarre things. We laugh more than ever together now. The A was actually teaching him to treat me badly and that was something I couldn't stand for. That was one of my a-HA moments.
Alcoholism is progressive. My xABF is actually starting to get schizophrenic from it IMO. He imagines people following him, thinks he is going to need to have his arm amputated, and the list goes on and on and on. Kids are the #1 priority. Whoever has sanity of mind to make the right decision needs to do that.
I am getting tired, so I am going out by saying (one more time) YOU.CAN.DO.THIS.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
This is what I have to say right now. I wrote it down which is easier for me to start off with:
A,
This is a hard letter to write. I love you so very much, but I can tell you are not happy. I want you to be happy and healthy, for yourself and our children.
I am no longer willing to live with an alcoholic. It is affecting our children, our marriage and your future. The verbal and emotional abuse I have suffered over the years has affected me deeply. Right now in my life I need to be the best person I can be. I want (son) and (girls) to have happy parents- even if they do not live together.
With this letter I am requesting a legal separation.
Six months to seek treatment, and hopefully restore our friendship. Divorce will be the final answer.
I will also no longer allow:
Drinking in the presence of the kids
Riding in a car when you are drinking
Any alcohol in this house.
We can discuss sharing weekends as well as where you will stay. I am very sad to write this, but it is something that needs to be done.
~S
A,
This is a hard letter to write. I love you so very much, but I can tell you are not happy. I want you to be happy and healthy, for yourself and our children.
I am no longer willing to live with an alcoholic. It is affecting our children, our marriage and your future. The verbal and emotional abuse I have suffered over the years has affected me deeply. Right now in my life I need to be the best person I can be. I want (son) and (girls) to have happy parents- even if they do not live together.
With this letter I am requesting a legal separation.
Six months to seek treatment, and hopefully restore our friendship. Divorce will be the final answer.
I will also no longer allow:
Drinking in the presence of the kids
Riding in a car when you are drinking
Any alcohol in this house.
We can discuss sharing weekends as well as where you will stay. I am very sad to write this, but it is something that needs to be done.
~S
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Hi..
I left 6 months ago. I have two girls 6 and 2. We were married 7 years this past August.
My deal with him and myself was that as soon as my then 5 year old was old enough to where I was 100% sure she could form memories - I was out. To me - at 5 years old there was no doubt in my mind my oldest daughter would remember his drunken rages and abuse.
It happened this past summer, but it happened in front of my whole family. It was one of the most humiliating things I've ever gone through but looking back it was a blessing in disguise. Nobody knew the "other personality" - I never said anything.
my family was floored. Needless to say, I got out, 5 weeks later.
I admire that you are doing a lot of prep work. I did none. I didn't even think of it - I wish I had confided more in my family. I wish I would have told them. So that would be my only suggestion based off of my experience. If you haven't told your support people, tell them what is going on.
The display my A put on for my family left no questions, but I still wish I didn't have to fill in so many gaps. I kind of felt like a fraud for a while.
I left 6 months ago. I have two girls 6 and 2. We were married 7 years this past August.
My deal with him and myself was that as soon as my then 5 year old was old enough to where I was 100% sure she could form memories - I was out. To me - at 5 years old there was no doubt in my mind my oldest daughter would remember his drunken rages and abuse.
It happened this past summer, but it happened in front of my whole family. It was one of the most humiliating things I've ever gone through but looking back it was a blessing in disguise. Nobody knew the "other personality" - I never said anything.
my family was floored. Needless to say, I got out, 5 weeks later.
I admire that you are doing a lot of prep work. I did none. I didn't even think of it - I wish I had confided more in my family. I wish I would have told them. So that would be my only suggestion based off of my experience. If you haven't told your support people, tell them what is going on.
The display my A put on for my family left no questions, but I still wish I didn't have to fill in so many gaps. I kind of felt like a fraud for a while.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 612
Thank goodness for my support system. Only recently have I really been honest about what has been going on. My mom has been my rock and is having the kids tonight so I can take care of business
Last edited by thousandwords53; 01-20-2015 at 02:22 PM. Reason: typo
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