sometimes the little things are harder to say no to than the bigger things
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sometimes the little things are harder to say no to than the bigger things
My AS called last night to see if "I might possibly put minutes on his phone" and said he "had a couple of days of work lined up and would pay me back this week...he promised". I asked him why he didn't just go without his phone for the next few days but of course he doesn't want to do that. I told him that I really didn't think I was willing to help him out as he has too long of a history of not doing what he says he will do. I told him I loved him very much...but that's just the reality of the situation at this point. Surprisingly he didn't get angry..he just said " yeah, I know ma, I'm sorry" and that was pretty much the end of the conversation.
Of course I know I made the right decision, but why does saying no to something so small seem to still be gnawing at me today? I know if I had said yes, I would have been pissed at myself for caving down the road. Just seems interesting that saying no to something minor seems to be harder than saying no to the bigger things, and harder to stop thinking about.
Of course I know I made the right decision, but why does saying no to something so small seem to still be gnawing at me today? I know if I had said yes, I would have been pissed at myself for caving down the road. Just seems interesting that saying no to something minor seems to be harder than saying no to the bigger things, and harder to stop thinking about.
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Join Date: May 2010
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Originally Posted by Whitewingeddove 
My AS called last night to see if "I might possibly put minutes on his phone" and said he "had a couple of days of work lined up and would pay me back this week...he promised". I asked him why he didn't just go without his phone for the next few days but of course he doesn't want to do that. I told him that I really didn't think I was willing to help him out as he has too long of a history of not doing what he says he will do. I told him I loved him very much...but that's just the reality of the situation at this point. Surprisingly he didn't get angry..he just said " yeah, I know ma, I'm sorry" and that was pretty much the end of the conversation.
Of course I know I made the right decision, but why does saying no to something so small seem to still be gnawing at me today? I know if I had said yes, I would have been pissed at myself for caving down the road. Just seems interesting that saying no to something minor seems to be harder than saying no to the bigger things, and harder to stop thinking about.
Of course I know I made the right decision, but why does saying no to something so small seem to still be gnawing at me today? I know if I had said yes, I would have been pissed at myself for caving down the road. Just seems interesting that saying no to something minor seems to be harder than saying no to the bigger things, and harder to stop thinking about.
Experiencing similar situations with the addict here. Several people including myself have gotten the addict a no contract per minute phone. He keeps complaining & says if he got a cadallic smart phone plan again he wouldn't run out of minutes/complain about the 'junk' other people gave him. Even if you total the phoneS and minutes over the last 3 months they are very close to the plan he wants for one month. Part of the problem is he wants people to fund the life he wants & not what he actually needs/can afford.
I'm trying to avoid this phrasing but sooner or later I will have use that old saying 'beggars cannot be chosers' but since he is a human bomb at this point I ignore or try to find other ways to put it.
Peace
Good Luck!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
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i believe you did the right thing as well wwd. my daughter has found multitudes of people to pay for her phone--including members of her family over the last 5 years--in april of 2013, i filed missing persons reports in the two major cities of ca where she lives and uses--asked police officers in both cities if getting her a phone was enabling--they were nice and said that a parent has to do what a parent has to do--but to be aware that thr primary reason of a phone for an addict is to call their dealer--have not been willing to get her a phone since--she found another guy who was willing...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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I understand exactly what you are feeling, WWD. I have been going through the same thing with my RAD about her move-out date. She doesn't understand why I won't budge on the date I set, why a few more days would matter, why I am being so mean and heartless when it's not a big deal...It is hard to explain to them why it actually IS a big deal, these little things that are not so little at all. I am reminded of Alice in Wonderland when she is inside the house and drinks a bottle that says Drink Me and she grows too big for the house! Little things turn into big things in the world we occupy. I completely support your boundary and know you get mine as well! Take care.
And I love the "might possibly" part...so meek of him!
And I love the "might possibly" part...so meek of him!
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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I think maybe its harder for me to say no to small things because I have that little voice telling me "this is not a big deal..its not expensive...its not handing over cash...maybe I should help with this small thing" but the reality is this IS a big thing, because I'm setting myself up. If I purchase the phone card, I know when I wait for him to pay me back (not because I need the money...but because its what he should do) I will be waiting a long long time....I won't see a penny. Then I will have set myself up yet again for hurt and disappointment, and anger at myself for allowing it to happen in the first place when I knew what the outcome would be.
Its sad that as his mom, I Soooooooo want to give him that chance to do what he says he will do...but I know in my heart he's not capable of that right now. At some point I have to stop doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Baby steps...
Its sad that as his mom, I Soooooooo want to give him that chance to do what he says he will do...but I know in my heart he's not capable of that right now. At some point I have to stop doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Baby steps...
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
WWD, I understand. You are right, it's not a small thing. It's part of him learning he is responsible for himself and that there are consequences. So while this may seem a small request, it would turn into something big.
I think you are doing so well. Tight hugs!
I think you are doing so well. Tight hugs!
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
I fell for the phone bit once. Just $42. But the entitled attitude
the next month when I didn't "autopay" was priceless. Fortunately
it coincided with the (premade) decision (assisted by SR) to go
no contact forever. The messages got angrier and angrier----until
it became self evident a week or so later---- that I had changed my
phone number and decommissioned the primary/alternate emails
we used to communicate with.
Abuse friends. They go away. Valid lesson.
the next month when I didn't "autopay" was priceless. Fortunately
it coincided with the (premade) decision (assisted by SR) to go
no contact forever. The messages got angrier and angrier----until
it became self evident a week or so later---- that I had changed my
phone number and decommissioned the primary/alternate emails
we used to communicate with.
Abuse friends. They go away. Valid lesson.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
i understand so thoroughly and completely--repetitive dashed hopes through experience has taught me what little i seem to have learned...
my codependency therapist is 73 years old--she has told me that she started on the addict side and has been the slowest person in recovery ever (after i told her that i seem to be--as i started in recovery 16 years ago when my then 16 year old was involved in ecstasy and raves).
unfortunately, she seems to be in denial at 35--but i did my best for her with what was my best at the time--i learned about my need to be in recovery and started unpeeling a lifetime of deep deep denial and she, after several years of me holding boundaries and her spending the intervening years partying--alcohol--became pregnant and now supports her 4 year old through the nursing degree she finally decided to get.
i poured my energy into her as well as her sister who was involved with crystal--now it is me who is sick--but learned with active heroin addict daughter--after a full on stress meltdown and related consequences that she cannot live with me...already knew about the no money and have held firm on that from beginning. I pray for her and hope that seeing her this sunday in SF--is not too much (for me) because when i encounter people in person my empathy picks up the negative vs the positive like sonar and it is so crushing every time i realize that i just am gullible and want them to do healthy for themselves.
kind of wish sometimes that the empathy wasn't so deeply engrained--but experience has been the teacher.
my codependency therapist is 73 years old--she has told me that she started on the addict side and has been the slowest person in recovery ever (after i told her that i seem to be--as i started in recovery 16 years ago when my then 16 year old was involved in ecstasy and raves).
unfortunately, she seems to be in denial at 35--but i did my best for her with what was my best at the time--i learned about my need to be in recovery and started unpeeling a lifetime of deep deep denial and she, after several years of me holding boundaries and her spending the intervening years partying--alcohol--became pregnant and now supports her 4 year old through the nursing degree she finally decided to get.
i poured my energy into her as well as her sister who was involved with crystal--now it is me who is sick--but learned with active heroin addict daughter--after a full on stress meltdown and related consequences that she cannot live with me...already knew about the no money and have held firm on that from beginning. I pray for her and hope that seeing her this sunday in SF--is not too much (for me) because when i encounter people in person my empathy picks up the negative vs the positive like sonar and it is so crushing every time i realize that i just am gullible and want them to do healthy for themselves.
kind of wish sometimes that the empathy wasn't so deeply engrained--but experience has been the teacher.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
The hardest thing to do in life is to pull away from someone
who is scared, frightened, and oh so alone (except for the
jackals/hyenas)....
Only by being certain that it is the best thing for them----does it become
possible.
who is scared, frightened, and oh so alone (except for the
jackals/hyenas)....
Only by being certain that it is the best thing for them----does it become
possible.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: California
Posts: 499
Vale is right. It hurts for some reason. But knowing it is the best thing to make your child the strongest helps. My daughter is at the extreme right now. She could die anytime. I've provided her the opportunities more than once to succeed. Now it is up to her. I cannot do for her what she needs to do for herself. So I humbly pray.
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