mevlida

Hi everyone,
I am new here,and I really need some help and support. I met my now fiancee two years ago online. I am from another country, and I moved in US a month ago to get married. I knew he had drinking problems in the past,but he stopped drinking five years ago,when he was hospitalized for liver problems. He promised me he will never go back to alcohol, but things changed.
In August his mom passed. I could not be there for support due to visa issues. A month after that he admitted that he started drinking, but stopped after his mom's funeral.
I came here month ago. Everything was great, our wedding should be on Wednsday, but
10 days ago he got fired from his work, and he started drinking again. Now he is drinking 24/7 10 to 15 beers a day. He spends all day in bed, sleeping and drinking, he barely eats anything. I tried everything to make him stop, but nothing helps.I am desperate, I don't know what to do. He totally changed, he shows no emotions, if I say anything he starts yelling at me. I don't know how to help him, or myself. I am New here I don't know anyone in this country, and I never before had to deal with these kind of problems. I feel alone, sad, desperate.

maia1234

Mevlida, I am so sorry for what is going on in your life. Your fiancee is an alcoholic an there is nothing you can do to help him. Until he is ready to get help, there is nothing you can do.

I know you are from a different country. Have you met any people here that could help you find an Alanon meeting. This meeting will give you some kind of support on how to detach from his drinking.

You can keep reading posts of what other people in your situation have done. You need to take care of yourself as there is nothing you can do for him.

Please know that you have many friends here at SR who are just like you, living with an addict. Please keep reading and educating yourself about the disease of alcoholism.
(((((((((hugs))))))))))))

Hangnbyathread

mevlida,

I am so sorry you have been introduced to your new life in this country in this way. As already been said here, as much as you want to try and force him to be better, it really can only be him that does it. Meanwhile look up Al-Anon where you are located and try them for now. Gives you some resources.

mevlida

I'm so scared about his health, he looks terrible, and he doesn't leave his bed. I was looking at al anon meetings,but they are so far from me, and I have no money to pay for subway or cab. Plus he gets really angry when I leave the house even to go to a store. I was thinking about calling his brother and asking for help, but my fiancee told me that it is the worst thing to do, and that I should just leave him to cope with the lost of his job. He even compares losing his job with losing his mother. He became so mean, saying rude words to me. I,don't know where the person I fell in love with is anymore.

maia1234

He is in the midst of his disease. Because he is not willing to get help for him self doesnt mean you can't. He is sick. He is not the same man you meet when he wasnt' drinking. You have to understand Alcoholics think of no one besides themselves. He will use any excuse to drink, mother, or jobs, any issue that is an excuse. I don't want you to feel trapped in his home without any help, there is help. Do you know any of his neighbors you can reach out to?

You need to keep reading here and posting. If you can't make a meeting, I thought there was some kind of program on line. Lets see if someone else posts where you can also get some help. There is help for you and we can help you get it. You are not alone.

honeybadger

I do not think that he is in any position to judge what is the worst thing you can do to him. In other words, his fear that you may call his brother may cause things to change in such a way that he does not want. Alcoholics just love their secrets. I think you should probably call his brother to let him know what is going on. Perhaps he can offer you a point of stability in a very unstable situation. Maybe he can let you stay with him so you can clear your mind a little. And at this point, I would not plan for the wedding to happen on Wednesday either. That would be a very bad thing. If he seeks help for his sickness, then there are many possibilities for the future, but that help will need to come first if he and you are to have a future together at all.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Please take care of yourself first and worry about him second.

Hangnbyathread

Please look at the resources posted here for how to leave. There are shelters available most anywhere. He will be mad but oh well. He will be mad at anything you do so you need to save yourself now.

Hangnbyathread

Here is the link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...how-leave.html

mevlida

Thank you so much for all your support. Tonight he got up, and finally had a shower after 10 days, and got some food, and went back to bed sleeping. I can't understand how he can drink like this without stopping at all. Few hours ago I got so scared, because I couldn't wake him up, he looked like he is in a coma or something. I called his brothers and friends today, they want to help, but they all agree that we can't help him unless he wants us to. I will probably stay at his brothers home tomorrow, because I am getting scared of him, I don't know what he is capable of in this state. I so wish I could do more to help him, I know that the person I love is in there somewhere.

CodeJob

Welcome to SR Mevlida!

I'm so glad you rang up his brother. Stay safe!

honeybadger

I have to tell you and this is going to be very hard to accept: You cannot help him. You can only help yourself. I know that you love the person that he once was, but that person does not exist right now, anywhere. I am sorry to tell you this, but it is the truth. He loves alcohol more than anything right now, MORE THAN ANYTHING. It is NOT about you at all and you have nothing to do with where he is at. You did NOT cause this, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. There is no maybe here; it is the definitive reality.

Please do yourself a favor as hard as it is, as impossible as it may seem. Help yourself. Do not worry about him. Help yourself and let him decide in his time that he needs to do for himself. Anything less will not work. He has to want to get better. It needs to be his choice and his choice alone.

chronsweet

Please use some resources to get some help so you can get clarity. There are women's shelter available in most areas. Can you go back home?

I was in a terrible relationship for 7 years and wouldn't wish that on anyone. Does marriage to someone without a job, with the disease of alcoholism and someone who doesn't shower for 10 days seem like someone you envision spending months or even many years married to? It will be easier to get out clean without the stickiness of divorce.

I learned that I couldn't wish my xABF into any certain type of person I wanted him to be. He was who he presented himself to me each and every day. Believe what you can see, what you wish for is make-believe.

mevlida

I wish I could go home,but I lost my job,my apartment,I have no savings, if we don't get marry soon, I will be deported anyway...he knows I am in desperate situation and he uses it. I don't know what to do anymore.

hopeful4

I am so sorry. Do you have any family back home that could help you return home. I hate to say, you need to get away from this man, quickly. As others have said, there are shelters that can help you. You may want to call the National Abuse Hotline at 800-799-7233. He is verbal abusing you, and they can help you. You don't have to worry, you don't even have to give them your name if you don't want to. A lot of people on this board have called and gotten help.

lillamy

You could try contacting these people: Immigrant Women « Center For Relationship Abuse Awareness
I don't know if they can help, but they might be able to point you in the right direction if they can't.

I just realized they don't have a phone number, only e-mail. Here's the USCIS website that tells you what your rights are:

http://www.uscis.gov/news/fact-sheet...isa-fact-sheet

Hangnbyathread

I am not attempting to pry here. But if we knew where you lived, someone may be able to offer something local to you that they know of.

I hate that you have come here under these circumstances.

Jupiters

I am so very very sorry mevlida that you are going through this. This is not the way a happy marriage is supposed to start
I hope that someone here can offer some support/direction for you to get some help.
*HUGS*

mevlida

I am in Brooklyn by now. His brother didn't come.he told me that he will put me in next plane back home if I tell anyone. I'm so lost and alone, as k1 holder before marriage I have no legal rights here, if I call for domestic violence, they will just send me home. I gave up everything for this man, a great engineering job, which I can't get back, all my savings and my home. He knows all this, and he uses it. Now he is still sleeping and throwing up every few minutes. Wedding won't be tomorrow.

knowthetriggers

Not familiar with your surroundings but what about a local shelter. If you have access to a computer then you should be able to search for local shelters in your area. They may be of some help to you.

The most important thing is to get out of harms way. Possibly a family member can help you get back home.

Your life and safety are more important than living in the states with someone who can potentially harm you.

Take care and I hope you can find a way home soon!

mevlida

Maybe you are right, maybe the best thing is to find a way home.