Riverbird

Hi everyone,

Not sure if this is the right place for this or not, so please let me know if I should put it elsewhere.

I'm an alcoholic in recovery (3 years sober). Nearly all my friends are alcoholics, since I had very few friends pre-sobriety. I have one friend in particular that I'm really struggling with right now.

We met in very early recovery. Our paths began to cross outside of just meetings and we clicked quickly. We were good support for each other for quite a while. Lately though, things are just weird. She brings an exhausting amount of drama into evvvvvvrything! For example, a while back she was mad at me because we were talking before a meeting and I saw one of our other friends come in and called her over to join us. This is a meeting that many of my closest friends go to, and it's not like we were talking about anything deep and super meaningful, so I'm not going to ignore all my other friends for her. Then other times she's been mad at me because I've announced things to a group of ppl (online or at a meeting) without telling her first (she feels like I should give her a specific invitation to things before inviting a group of people because we've been friends a long time...I figure I want to save time and would rather send an announcement out to everyone than each person individually). Now she's mad at me because I wasn't a mind-reader and "made" her ask for help from me rather than me recognizing she was struggling, and for not being available to help when she wanted me to. It was an unfortunate situation....I offered a bunch of days that I was available and she picked the one afternoon that I ended up getting called into work last minute. I still offered to come over, but it would've been a couple of hours later. She said not to worry about it, that she had someone else who could help.

The reality is, I work well over 40 hours/week right now. After I add in meetings and the other stuff I need to keep myself sane, my availability to be there for others is severely limited. I do what I can, but that's just the way it is right now. I talk to people at meetings and after meetings, and am available when I can be. Most of my friends get this, but this particular friend seems to keep having issues with me not being able to do enough for her. Each time after these "episodes" we've eventually talked about it and moved on after not too much time, but this most recent one has just really really hit me wrong. I feel bad for her...I feel like she's in a really dark place right now and really stuck in blaming others. (She had one of the people I respect most in the program as a sponsor and fired her because she wasn't caring enough or there for her enough....and then she got one of the other people I respect most in the program to replace her and is now saying the same things....so I really don't think there's anyone that can be who she wants a person to be). I guess this time since I am so busy and have so much going on in my own life (some BIG changes going on for me that are good, but also taking a lot out of me). She is aware of what I'm going through, but doesn't acknowledge that at all. Instead she sends me these messages saying how could I not be there for her when she's been there for me. Her message tonight ended with something about "times like these show who your true friends are" and "don't contact me. It's too late." Though I wouldn't say it to her, my immediate reaction is, "You're right, this has shown me that you're not someone I can rely on because nothing I can do is enough to make you happy and I need to take care of myself rather than engaging in your drama." And what I really want to say to her is, "If I'm such a crappy friend, why do you keep coming back?"

I'm just tired of the process I guess. I'm not a fair-weather friend. If I consider someone a friend I do everything I can to be there for them no matter what. I'm not a person that can be easily pushed away, because the friendships I have aren't superficial. So, I try to go by once a friend, always a friend, but right now I'm wondering why I'm even bothering with her. I don't want her to be even more isolated, but I also know that I can't save her. She's gotta do that for herself. So my (very long) question is just...how many times do I let her keep pulling this **** with me? At some point do I say enough is enough and walk away? It doesn't really hurt me anymore...I've come to expect it...it's just gotten really annoying. It makes me wonder why I'm putting my time and effort in if she's going to complain about it afterwards regardless. I don't feel connected to her like I used to. I feel like my friendship with her is more of a "friendship". I talk to her at meetings because it's what I'm supposed to do, but she's not someone I would confide in or rely on or anything. The worst part is, when I think about what I'm really getting out of our friendship right now, the biggest thing is that she's been paying me to do some work around the house for her, and I need the money. Horrible reason to keep a friendship, I know. And I like her dog a lot. (One of the things she pays me to do is come over and walk her dog while she's at work).

Sorry this is so long. This is my first attempt to put it all together on paper. I just need a different perspective to help me figure out what to do. I don't want to walk away from her, but I'm tired of the bs. Also I used to be just like her...blaming others for my issues, doing everything I could to push people away, etc....and thankfully I had people who stuck with me. So I don't want to be a hypocrite by not doing the same for her, but I don't want it to turn any more unhealthy than it already is. Thanks for "listening"

charis78

Why don't you talk to her in person about how you feel. Sounds like she's hurting.

Melina

'Hi, it's me, Riverbird. How are you? I know you have a lot on your plate that you want to work through with a friend. I completely understand. I'm going through a lot of things myself and it's crazy how stretched I feel. I hope it helps a bit that I can do things for you around the house, it certainly helps me financially and I appreciate those opportunities.

I wish I had more time and more of me to give to dedicate to what's going on with you.. I don't want you to think I don't care bc I most certainly do. I just wanted to make sure you knew all that's going on with me bc it has my hands full and I need to focus on all that right now. Maybe if I can vent to you a hit we can help each other.

Anyway, you're first on my list when I get more time and I'm always cheering you on. Hang in there the best you can, that's what I'm doing, too.'

I think that's the nicest way I could put it of ITS NOT YOU, ITS ME. Even though it really is her. I know that's a bit passive aggressive but you could also use it as an experiment to gauge her response. If she's a selfish poopyhead in her response and doesn't acknowledge what you have going on, then DITCH.

I've been in your shoes and I hope this helps,
Melina

Hawkeye13

Stop engaging and block her number.
She isn't treating you well, giving you any support, and she just
drains you emotionally.

Sounds like you should just take her at her word.
Maybe it is too late.

I had a "friend" like this once who ate up hours of my time with her drama.
When she finally cut me off because she got mad at my husband, at first I was
hurt but quickly saw how much better my energy and life was without her.

Take care of yourself and your sobriety first. If you don't, who will?

charis78

I agree with Hawkeye your sobriety is most important. Maybe explain to her that her drama is stressing you out and affecting you. Tell her what you told us about how a fourty hour work week is hard enough for you to handle without her "drama" emphasize that your friendship is important but this (insert here) is all you can provide at this time. Maybe you can ask her the reason behind her behavior and work something out between the two od you thats mutually acceptable.If she is a real friend she will understand and respect your needs too. She wouldn't want to get in the way of your recovery.

It takes a very strong individual to be with someone when they are in that space. People may have been there for you but were they struggling with their own recovery? Don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes you just have to put yourself first .

CodeJob

Psychic vampire. Fly free Riverbird.

auroraxborealis

I've had friends like this. It's exhausting.

Some of them, when I really look at them, float around from friend to friend. I've learned that just because I feel a deep connection with someone, that does not mean they feel the same way. I bet if you step back from the relationship, she will do the same thing with the next person who gives her the time of day. And it won't matter who that person is. It could be anyone. It's painful to realize you're just someone else, but to some people, you're just another person. Same actions, same treatment, different face.

LifeRecovery

Riverbird-

I think there is a big difference between a "place" someone is in, and a way of being. I try to make my decisions about my relationships based on this now.

In part of my recovery I was very self-centered and I NEEDED a lot of support and attention....I was working recovery pretty hard though and it was a temporary thing. How long have you known this individual? She has "fired," a couple of sponsors....and it kind of sounds like that is about were her recovery is, not theirs. I think I take from your post that you are realizing that this might be "who" she is, not a piece of her recovery.

Once I had some of that figured out....then I could determine a little better what I wanted to do with it.