Bargaining w/or blaming God?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Bargaining w/or blaming God?
My AH is home for the moment. I know, I know. BUT, there has been some good communication, at least for me. It's allowed me to "see" some things that if he was still in a hotel I wouldn't have seen.
1st, he was running fever last night at the game and left as soon as the game was over wanting to go to bed he felt so badly. He is still battling the flu, which he caught after I was into the flu 2 days.
I stayed with my neighbor and best friend and watched some of the girls game and we left after half time to grab a bit to eat. When dinner was over I got a call from my AH that he had tried many hotels and they all were full because of the last weekend of a series of Garth Brooks concerts and the Chili Bowl car races. I told him to just go to the house an sleep on the couch. I had no problem over night.
He left early this morning and was gone until 11:30 from his Band of Brothers bible study and said he can't get a hotel room until Monday. Ok. So I used this as an opportunity to talk with him further about things and told him I thought I should be the one to move to my grandparents home, which he just doesn't get since its so much smaller, but when it come to legal stuff I believe it is going to be best in the long run, especially if things continue going south and separation becomes permanent.
As we talked he lifted his left arm and I saw a terrible lump at the tip of his elbow with a red hole on the tip and surrounded by a large blue/purple bruise that went up his tricep and down his forearm. I said, "OMG, what did you do to your elbow?" He seemed to not know it was there! Then he scratched his head with his right arm and there is a cut on the inner forearm with another large blue/purple bruise on the underside! What the crud? These bruises are NOT small. He seemed oblivious it was even there! So I told him I wondered if he fell. He denied falling. So, I asked him to pull up his pant leg and let me see his knees, and sure enough, he had scraped knees, but he has NO MEMORY of falling! It is obvious in his 2wk "vacation" from home he has taken a hard fall, but must have been so wasted he doesn't remember the incident. And, I know he has a high pain tolerance but what the crud!! How could you have not felt it the day after?? My next question, since we were on the topic of his addiction was if he ever blacks out when he is drinking and he said he has. I never knew. How would I ever know? And to think how many times he has probably driven in a black out state? OMG. I shutter.
Monday I will be contacting a particular lawyer I spoke with this week and have an in office consultation about where I'm really at legally with my marriage and what my best option is in regards to my grandmothers home. In all reality, it would be best if I could stay in our home with our kids, but if that puts my grandparents home in jeopardy of being called marital property later on down the road then I will move there. We can't keep wasting money on hotel rooms and he IS NOT staying with me.
Ok..so, the title, bargaining w/or blaming God. During our talks today he said to me, "don't you believe that God can take this from me? Don't you think that God is big enough to take this addiction away?" I told him yes, God is big enough to take this away from you, but not without your active participation in making it happen. He repeated it again, and I said the same thing back to him, that it requires his actively making an effort. At first I thought he was accusing me of not believing that God can handle this, which couldn't be further from the truth. But the more I think on it, I wonder if that is what his strategy is currently, to sit and wait for God to just take his addiction away, poof, like a genie out of its bottle granting his wish. Or, maybe he is in the middle of bargaining with God regarding his addiction. I can't imagine the battle in his head right now.
There was more we talked about. I'm not sure he is really ready to stop just yet. He is wanting me to tell him what he should be doing and I refused. I told him that is part of his own journey is learning what he has to do for himself. I told him as much as I want him to heal and be sober, he is going to have to want it more and for himself and not other reason or for no other person. I'm not sure he quite got that, but that's ok. Overall I think this has been a semi productive day, at least for me.
1st, he was running fever last night at the game and left as soon as the game was over wanting to go to bed he felt so badly. He is still battling the flu, which he caught after I was into the flu 2 days.
I stayed with my neighbor and best friend and watched some of the girls game and we left after half time to grab a bit to eat. When dinner was over I got a call from my AH that he had tried many hotels and they all were full because of the last weekend of a series of Garth Brooks concerts and the Chili Bowl car races. I told him to just go to the house an sleep on the couch. I had no problem over night.
He left early this morning and was gone until 11:30 from his Band of Brothers bible study and said he can't get a hotel room until Monday. Ok. So I used this as an opportunity to talk with him further about things and told him I thought I should be the one to move to my grandparents home, which he just doesn't get since its so much smaller, but when it come to legal stuff I believe it is going to be best in the long run, especially if things continue going south and separation becomes permanent.
As we talked he lifted his left arm and I saw a terrible lump at the tip of his elbow with a red hole on the tip and surrounded by a large blue/purple bruise that went up his tricep and down his forearm. I said, "OMG, what did you do to your elbow?" He seemed to not know it was there! Then he scratched his head with his right arm and there is a cut on the inner forearm with another large blue/purple bruise on the underside! What the crud? These bruises are NOT small. He seemed oblivious it was even there! So I told him I wondered if he fell. He denied falling. So, I asked him to pull up his pant leg and let me see his knees, and sure enough, he had scraped knees, but he has NO MEMORY of falling! It is obvious in his 2wk "vacation" from home he has taken a hard fall, but must have been so wasted he doesn't remember the incident. And, I know he has a high pain tolerance but what the crud!! How could you have not felt it the day after?? My next question, since we were on the topic of his addiction was if he ever blacks out when he is drinking and he said he has. I never knew. How would I ever know? And to think how many times he has probably driven in a black out state? OMG. I shutter.
Monday I will be contacting a particular lawyer I spoke with this week and have an in office consultation about where I'm really at legally with my marriage and what my best option is in regards to my grandmothers home. In all reality, it would be best if I could stay in our home with our kids, but if that puts my grandparents home in jeopardy of being called marital property later on down the road then I will move there. We can't keep wasting money on hotel rooms and he IS NOT staying with me.
Ok..so, the title, bargaining w/or blaming God. During our talks today he said to me, "don't you believe that God can take this from me? Don't you think that God is big enough to take this addiction away?" I told him yes, God is big enough to take this away from you, but not without your active participation in making it happen. He repeated it again, and I said the same thing back to him, that it requires his actively making an effort. At first I thought he was accusing me of not believing that God can handle this, which couldn't be further from the truth. But the more I think on it, I wonder if that is what his strategy is currently, to sit and wait for God to just take his addiction away, poof, like a genie out of its bottle granting his wish. Or, maybe he is in the middle of bargaining with God regarding his addiction. I can't imagine the battle in his head right now.
There was more we talked about. I'm not sure he is really ready to stop just yet. He is wanting me to tell him what he should be doing and I refused. I told him that is part of his own journey is learning what he has to do for himself. I told him as much as I want him to heal and be sober, he is going to have to want it more and for himself and not other reason or for no other person. I'm not sure he quite got that, but that's ok. Overall I think this has been a semi productive day, at least for me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Oh Katchie those injuries are classic signs of him being blackout drunk and falling down or otherwise hurting himself. In fact, the elbow is a dynamic from drunks at a bar with their drinking elbow drilled down on it. Stay strong and as you say, this is his journey.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Band of brothers bible study.
God is big enough to take it away.
Ya know, I can come off rather brutal on here at times, but I'm still a Christian.
Please tell him this Christian thinks he needs to find another band of brothers to study the bible with and a good study would be On faith and works.
I'm glad ya gave him that message. I'm thinkin at least some of it stuck
God is big enough to take it away.
Ya know, I can come off rather brutal on here at times, but I'm still a Christian.
Please tell him this Christian thinks he needs to find another band of brothers to study the bible with and a good study would be On faith and works.
I'm glad ya gave him that message. I'm thinkin at least some of it stuck
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
Band of brothers bible study.
God is big enough to take it away.
Ya know, I can come off rather brutal on here at times, but I'm still a Christian.
Please tell him this Christian thinks he needs to find another band of brothers to study the bible with and a good study would be On faith and works.
I'm glad ya gave him that message. I'm thinkin at least some of it stuck
God is big enough to take it away.
Ya know, I can come off rather brutal on here at times, but I'm still a Christian.
Please tell him this Christian thinks he needs to find another band of brothers to study the bible with and a good study would be On faith and works.
I'm glad ya gave him that message. I'm thinkin at least some of it stuck
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
The 12 steps are essentially a contract with God.
Take the first 9 and God sorts out the alcohol problem.
Keep up with the last 3 and God continues to hold up his end of the deal.
No inventory, no prayer and no working with others, contract lapses.
I found this out the hard way, when I failed to hold up my end of the deal.
I won't do that again.
It's there if hubby wants it.
Does God just go zap and that's it sorted for life, no further action required?
No, but I'm not the first alchie to think that and maybe that's what your alchie thinks too.
God bless and may your man find his creator and hold up his end after that
Take the first 9 and God sorts out the alcohol problem.
Keep up with the last 3 and God continues to hold up his end of the deal.
No inventory, no prayer and no working with others, contract lapses.
I found this out the hard way, when I failed to hold up my end of the deal.
I won't do that again.
It's there if hubby wants it.
Does God just go zap and that's it sorted for life, no further action required?
No, but I'm not the first alchie to think that and maybe that's what your alchie thinks too.
God bless and may your man find his creator and hold up his end after that
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by Hawks
It's there if hubby wants it.
Does God just go zap and that's it sorted for life, no further action required?
No, but I'm not the first alchie to think that and maybe that's what your alchie thinks too.
God bless and may your man find his creator and hold up his end after that
Does God just go zap and that's it sorted for life, no further action required?
No, but I'm not the first alchie to think that and maybe that's what your alchie thinks too.
God bless and may your man find his creator and hold up his end after that
It reminds me of the old story of the man on a roof after a storm flooded everything. Time after time something came by to rescue him but he refused to accept on the grounds that God was going to save him. When he drowns and goes to heaven, he asks God why he let him die and didn't save his life failing to see that God provided every opportunity but the man just didn't see it and grab hold thus losing his life all on his own. (if someone has never heard of this, you can read it here: God Will Save Me)
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Originally Posted by Katchie
He is wanting me to tell him what he should be doing and I refused. I told him that is part of his own journey is learning what he has to do for himself. I told him as much as I want him to heal and be sober, he is going to have to want it more and for himself and not other reason or for no other person. I'm not sure he quite got that, but that's ok. Overall I think this has been a semi productive day, at least for me.
You rock.
Love the "God will save me" analogy.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
You're doing SO well Girl!
In a twisted way I guess I understand the God thing though.... It's kind of like denial and lack of acceptance all mixed together. It kind of makes sense, from addiction's POV.
In a twisted way I guess I understand the God thing though.... It's kind of like denial and lack of acceptance all mixed together. It kind of makes sense, from addiction's POV.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Canada.
Posts: 795
I have been to a couple of open AA meetings and have heard three separate people speak of God lifting the urge to drink immediately and spontaneously. Maybe this is what your AH is referring to? One woman actually stood up and said, if you believe and pray, God will lift the urges and cravings even before you start the steps. She said she has absolutely no desire to drink at all, and hasn't even started step work.
Only one reason I am really not sold on AA/Al Anon.
Only one reason I am really not sold on AA/Al Anon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by soverylost
I have been to a couple of open AA meetings and have heard three separate people speak of God lifting the urge to drink immediately and spontaneously. Maybe this is what your AH is referring to? One woman actually stood up and said, if you believe and pray, God will lift the urges and cravings even before you start the steps. She said she has absolutely no desire to drink at all, and hasn't even started step work.
Only one reason I am really not sold on AA/Al Anon.
Only one reason I am really not sold on AA/Al Anon.
Even if you don't believe in God, there is still action on the part of the addict that is required for cravings and addiction to be removed.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 23
I love this post I am a believer that God can deliver people from addictions but we have to be willing. We have to surrender and make God bigger than the addiction. God bless you and your husband off your journeys....I am going through the same thing my husband and I are seperated as well .
I just went through a battle with God because I want him to fix my husband . I had to surrender and it's a hard thing to do. Through many sleepless night and tears I know God has a plan and I need to let go of my own plan and follow his
I am a believer that God can deliver people from addictions but we have to be willing. We have to surrender and make God bigger than the addiction. God bless you and your husband off your journeys....I am going through the same thing my husband and I are seperated as well .I just went through a battle with God because I want him to fix my husband . I had to surrender and it's a hard thing to do. Through many sleepless night and tears I know God has a plan and I need to let go of my own plan and follow his
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Before I got sober 23 years ago I had bruises on my legs and thigh that puzzled me since I had no memory of hurting myself. Later I realized that while staggering around the apartment I stumbled into furniture. He's probably a blackout drinker; this is experience is pretty typical for active alcoholics.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Originally Posted by NYCDoglvr
Before I got sober 23 years ago I had bruises on my legs and thigh that puzzled me since I had no memory of hurting myself. Later I realized that while staggering around the apartment I stumbled into furniture. He's probably a blackout drinker; this is experience is pretty typical for active alcoholics.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
At this point, a studio apartment with a short lease or month to month lease might be the best option so you and kids don't have to move just yet and he sees that you are very serious about him getting it together or you are leaving.
I was beginning to have some blackouts near the end of my drinking and I had some awful falls and bruises. I"m pretty lucky I didn't break my neck falling down the stairs one night.
I think that you have made a wise choice in telling him to get help and leave the home as hard as this is for you.
I was beginning to have some blackouts near the end of my drinking and I had some awful falls and bruises. I"m pretty lucky I didn't break my neck falling down the stairs one night.
I think that you have made a wise choice in telling him to get help and leave the home as hard as this is for you.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by Katchie
This is where I can see room for the possibility that my AH could be setting himself up to take the position of blaming God if he doesn't recover.
It reminds me of the old story of the man on a roof after a storm flooded everything. Time after time something came by to rescue him but he refused to accept on the grounds that God was going to save him. When he drowns and goes to heaven, he asks God why he let him die and didn't save his life failing to see that God provided every opportunity but the man just didn't see it and grab hold thus losing his life all on his own. (if someone has never heard of this, you can read it here: God Will Save Me)
It reminds me of the old story of the man on a roof after a storm flooded everything. Time after time something came by to rescue him but he refused to accept on the grounds that God was going to save him. When he drowns and goes to heaven, he asks God why he let him die and didn't save his life failing to see that God provided every opportunity but the man just didn't see it and grab hold thus losing his life all on his own. (if someone has never heard of this, you can read it here: God Will Save Me)
God helps those who help themselves.
Joyce Meyers has some excellent sermons on taking action and not just sitting back and waiting for a zap from heaven.
YouTube is full of them
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Originally Posted by soverylost
I have been to a couple of open AA meetings and have heard three separate people speak of God lifting the urge to drink immediately and spontaneously. Maybe this is what your AH is referring to? One woman actually stood up and said, if you believe and pray, God will lift the urges and cravings even before you start the steps. She said she has absolutely no desire to drink at all, and hasn't even started step work.
Only one reason I am really not sold on AA/Al Anon.
Only one reason I am really not sold on AA/Al Anon.
I like what Katchie's saying here and we all know this to be true: there is work involved and I believe a lot of that work requires accountability, honest, vulnerability, and transparency with other people who help you along the way.
Good job, Katchie on how you are handling things. Sending positive thoughts your way, I know this isn't easy. HUGS!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
My RAH is very faithful. I think at times he is disappointed that God isn't louder and more outspoken in his spiritual relationship.
Sometimes God is silent. sometimes God speaks through the actions of others.
This is an very intriguing thread. Thanks for starting this one Katchie!
Make sure you read Language of Letting Go Jan 19th, I think you will like it. You are really really really doing so well letting your H own his situation.
Sometimes God is silent. sometimes God speaks through the actions of others.
This is an very intriguing thread. Thanks for starting this one Katchie!
Make sure you read Language of Letting Go Jan 19th, I think you will like it. You are really really really doing so well letting your H own his situation.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
