Need advice please.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
Need advice please.
Hmmmm. I really have to get this off my chest.
Some of you may know the situation between my mother and I. I don't feel like going into too much detail right now.
Right so, things are not too bad. I have a job and I live 5 days a week in town with my Grandmother for the moment.
I come to my parents at the weekend if I am not staying with a friend because I genuinely enjoy spending time with my dad and I am very fond of him. He told me that he has been stressed out lately and he has been coughing and has a sore shoulder so I try to help out as best I can.
The problem is that I do not enjoy being around my mother. Everything I do is wrong. Everything is a major drama. There was an incident before New Year's when we were discussing my brother's upcoming wedding and she got into a rage over the seating arrangements. I mean she was so out of control that I was genuinely afraid of her. I calmly said that I would like to say something, and she turned and snarled "imagine Tetra the alcoholic trying to give her opinion".
I cannot forget this day. I told my dad that I feel nothing towards her and he was sad. He is always going on about carrying around baggage, but her resentment towards me can be so vicious that I am constantly walking on egggshells. I know that she is suffering because of my sisters problems, but I may be a recovering alcoholic but I am still a human being. Occasionally she may say something like "I am so happy that my children are working" and I just want to snap "It's not my job to make you happy and I do not need your validation".
I say it to her once that it is not my job to make her happy and she said "don't be ridiculous, of course it is".
Those words ring in my ears: "Imagine Tetra the alcoholic trying to give her opinion".
Sometimes she sees me ruffling my dads hair and she asks why I never do that to her? Because he has never roared at me like an animal or told me I don't matter.
I have started praying at night that I might find some guidance.
Some of you may know the situation between my mother and I. I don't feel like going into too much detail right now.
Right so, things are not too bad. I have a job and I live 5 days a week in town with my Grandmother for the moment.
I come to my parents at the weekend if I am not staying with a friend because I genuinely enjoy spending time with my dad and I am very fond of him. He told me that he has been stressed out lately and he has been coughing and has a sore shoulder so I try to help out as best I can.
The problem is that I do not enjoy being around my mother. Everything I do is wrong. Everything is a major drama. There was an incident before New Year's when we were discussing my brother's upcoming wedding and she got into a rage over the seating arrangements. I mean she was so out of control that I was genuinely afraid of her. I calmly said that I would like to say something, and she turned and snarled "imagine Tetra the alcoholic trying to give her opinion".
I cannot forget this day. I told my dad that I feel nothing towards her and he was sad. He is always going on about carrying around baggage, but her resentment towards me can be so vicious that I am constantly walking on egggshells. I know that she is suffering because of my sisters problems, but I may be a recovering alcoholic but I am still a human being. Occasionally she may say something like "I am so happy that my children are working" and I just want to snap "It's not my job to make you happy and I do not need your validation".
I say it to her once that it is not my job to make her happy and she said "don't be ridiculous, of course it is".
Those words ring in my ears: "Imagine Tetra the alcoholic trying to give her opinion".
Sometimes she sees me ruffling my dads hair and she asks why I never do that to her? Because he has never roared at me like an animal or told me I don't matter.
I have started praying at night that I might find some guidance.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
We don't get to pick our parents. If we did many of us would opt for some different ones.
If you know your mom is unpleasant to be around why do you think you let it get to you when she is unpleasant to be around? What is the source of your reaction?
If you know your mom is unpleasant to be around why do you think you let it get to you when she is unpleasant to be around? What is the source of your reaction?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Time to give your mum a wide berth, nothing you do seems to change her mind, so rather than trying to change her!!
Hopefully some day she gives you some credit for all your effort Tetra, but in the meantime focus on you and stay away from negative people!!
Hang in there!!
Hopefully some day she gives you some credit for all your effort Tetra, but in the meantime focus on you and stay away from negative people!!
Hang in there!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
I agree Tetra that you need to keep away from her as much as possible.
You are having a healthy response to verbal abuse and passive and direct aggression from her.
If you can, meet your dad elsewhere or perhaps you need to call her out directly on her abuse if she says something to you. Bullies are often cowards when confronted.
You are having a healthy response to verbal abuse and passive and direct aggression from her.
If you can, meet your dad elsewhere or perhaps you need to call her out directly on her abuse if she says something to you. Bullies are often cowards when confronted.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Ashburn, VA
Posts: 30,196
I wholeheartedly agree with the folks who suggested a neutral ground meeting place with your dad and your dad only. You have no obligation to your mother, no matter what she thinks, and your dad needs to respect your feelings.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 3,010
If there ever was a time for the term "street angel, house devil" then this is it. Other people just don't get how bad she can be.
I worry a lot about my dad. My brother mentioned when he came home for Christmas how stressed dad is. I am with him quite a bit and I didn't notice until he pointed out that he has become a bit stooped. I know this happens when people get older.
Dad broke my heart when he said that there are times that he wishes he was dead. I got upset and dad said he would stick around for a long time to see me become the independent person I can be. We told him that we would not blame him if he wanted to leave.
However, I cannot get dragged down by this. I have a job and a 9 month contract. I have to do well so I can get a good reference.
I worry a lot about my dad. My brother mentioned when he came home for Christmas how stressed dad is. I am with him quite a bit and I didn't notice until he pointed out that he has become a bit stooped. I know this happens when people get older.
Dad broke my heart when he said that there are times that he wishes he was dead. I got upset and dad said he would stick around for a long time to see me become the independent person I can be. We told him that we would not blame him if he wanted to leave.
However, I cannot get dragged down by this. I have a job and a 9 month contract. I have to do well so I can get a good reference.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: nj
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by Tetra 
Hmmmm. I really have to get this off my chest.
Some of you may know the situation between my mother and I. I don't feel like going into too much detail right now.
Right so, things are not too bad. I have a job and I live 5 days a week in town with my Grandmother for the moment.
I come to my parents at the weekend if I am not staying with a friend because I genuinely enjoy spending time with my dad and I am very fond of him. He told me that he has been stressed out lately and he has been coughing and has a sore shoulder so I try to help out as best I can.
The problem is that I do not enjoy being around my mother. Everything I do is wrong. Everything is a major drama. There was an incident before New Year's when we were discussing my brother's upcoming wedding and she got into a rage over the seating arrangements. I mean she was so out of control that I was genuinely afraid of her. I calmly said that I would like to say something, and she turned and snarled "imagine Tetra the alcoholic trying to give her opinion".
I cannot forget this day. I told my dad that I feel nothing towards her and he was sad. He is always going on about carrying around baggage, but her resentment towards me can be so vicious that I am constantly walking on egggshells. I know that she is suffering because of my sisters problems, but I may be a recovering alcoholic but I am still a human being. Occasionally she may say something like "I am so happy that my children are working" and I just want to snap "It's not my job to make you happy and I do not need your validation".
I say it to her once that it is not my job to make her happy and she said "don't be ridiculous, of course it is".
Those words ring in my ears: "Imagine Tetra the alcoholic trying to give her opinion".
Sometimes she sees me ruffling my dads hair and she asks why I never do that to her? Because he has never roared at me like an animal or told me I don't matter.
I have started praying at night that I might find some guidance.
Some of you may know the situation between my mother and I. I don't feel like going into too much detail right now.
Right so, things are not too bad. I have a job and I live 5 days a week in town with my Grandmother for the moment.
I come to my parents at the weekend if I am not staying with a friend because I genuinely enjoy spending time with my dad and I am very fond of him. He told me that he has been stressed out lately and he has been coughing and has a sore shoulder so I try to help out as best I can.
The problem is that I do not enjoy being around my mother. Everything I do is wrong. Everything is a major drama. There was an incident before New Year's when we were discussing my brother's upcoming wedding and she got into a rage over the seating arrangements. I mean she was so out of control that I was genuinely afraid of her. I calmly said that I would like to say something, and she turned and snarled "imagine Tetra the alcoholic trying to give her opinion".
I cannot forget this day. I told my dad that I feel nothing towards her and he was sad. He is always going on about carrying around baggage, but her resentment towards me can be so vicious that I am constantly walking on egggshells. I know that she is suffering because of my sisters problems, but I may be a recovering alcoholic but I am still a human being. Occasionally she may say something like "I am so happy that my children are working" and I just want to snap "It's not my job to make you happy and I do not need your validation".
I say it to her once that it is not my job to make her happy and she said "don't be ridiculous, of course it is".
Those words ring in my ears: "Imagine Tetra the alcoholic trying to give her opinion".
Sometimes she sees me ruffling my dads hair and she asks why I never do that to her? Because he has never roared at me like an animal or told me I don't matter.
I have started praying at night that I might find some guidance.
I don't know your feel story but it sounds like your mom craves the relationship you have with your dad but is also jealous of his close relationship/love for you.
So she attacks you to feel better. She needs counseling because that is a big problem she needs to learn to figure out and so unfair to attack you.
Go tetra!!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Strailya
Posts: 8,019
Tetra
I am a beginner in Buddhism where I attend weekly dharmas, meditate and do lots of reading. One of the core practices is equanimity where one treats all friends, enemies and strangers equally. Having said that, in the dharma sessions with my lama, even he says that though one should have compassion towards those that harm you (as they are suffering), if you are always encountering an individual that perpetually harms you then the advice is to avoid that person. Do not have that person in your life.
This principle of removing harmful people from your life seems to be true in many spiritual and religious practices.
Your sobriety is paramount so I would humbly recommend that you make those changes necessary in your life to protect it !
I am a beginner in Buddhism where I attend weekly dharmas, meditate and do lots of reading. One of the core practices is equanimity where one treats all friends, enemies and strangers equally. Having said that, in the dharma sessions with my lama, even he says that though one should have compassion towards those that harm you (as they are suffering), if you are always encountering an individual that perpetually harms you then the advice is to avoid that person. Do not have that person in your life.
This principle of removing harmful people from your life seems to be true in many spiritual and religious practices.
Your sobriety is paramount so I would humbly recommend that you make those changes necessary in your life to protect it !
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 819
Tetra, I feel for you. I have some similar issues in my family. I know how hard this is because when it comes to family, it's not just easy to walk away. If it were just your mother you could but it is also your father. Try too find ways to spend time with him alone. and if you have to be around your mother, remember, the problem is her's, not your's.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
You can let people get your goat, or you can avoid letting people get your goat. Some people are just plain unpleasant to be around. You show them that you don't like being around them or communicating with them by not being around them or communicating with them.
Why are you still talking to your mother? Doesn't seem like it makes you happy, and it doesn't sound like you have close to a thick enough skin to deal with her manner. I know she lives with your father, which complicates things, but maybe just ignoring her and not initiating conversation would be a better plan of defense.
You can't control the people you interact with, but you can control whether or not you interact with people.
Why are you still talking to your mother? Doesn't seem like it makes you happy, and it doesn't sound like you have close to a thick enough skin to deal with her manner. I know she lives with your father, which complicates things, but maybe just ignoring her and not initiating conversation would be a better plan of defense.
You can't control the people you interact with, but you can control whether or not you interact with people.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,237
Im glad that you have a positive place to
stay when you're working and away from
your parents. I like positive because it's
healthy and encouraging.
As far as parents, mine are similar to
yours in the way that my dad was the
one who never steered me wrong, gave
me positive guidance and advice and
protected me to the best of his ability
from the animal that came out of my
mom due to her own demons with alcohol
and pills.
She was the dr. jeckle/mr.hyde in the
family and as functionable as she was
in her career, once stripped down and
claws came out, there was no escaping
her for me.
She know I was closer to my dad and
I think she was jealous because of it.
When I was young she told me to stay
away from him because he was hers.
YOU DONT TELL A CHILD THAT. That
make an emotional physcological impact
on a childs mind. Right?
Over my entire adult life those words
have come to mind and each time I
would try to see or visit my parents,
I had to remind myself that I could
never have a positive healthy father
daughter relationship.
When I returned here to B. R. in 2006
I called my dad to say I was near their
home and wanted to see him. Its like
I have to make an appointment just to
see parents because they are old school
and so set in their ways. Anyway, I took
a deep breath and blurted out that im near
and would meet him for a chat.
I sat with him and told him what was
on my mind and what my mom told
me about leaving him alone and all
the childhood abuse I sustained from
her till I left home at 18. He knows
I was hurt, but never knew the extent
of the abuse and it hutrs him to hear
that I say that I was physically, emotionally
and verbally abused.
Of course my mom thinks all that
crap was made up in my mind and
I drank for attention. That im full of
sh*t.
Anyway, I left him and swore I had had
enough. I will not place myself in family
situations that is harmful to my own sobriety,
my own health. And as much as I felt
that it would be wrong, I tried so many
time to make this parent/daughter relationship
work and it just aint gonna.
So ive severed my ties with family and
im better for it today. My recovery and
sobriety is so important to me because
returning to the insanity of drinking
and resentments of the past would definitely
kill me.
Health, Happiness and Honest in recovery
in all areas of my life is the way to life.
stay when you're working and away from
your parents. I like positive because it's
healthy and encouraging.
As far as parents, mine are similar to
yours in the way that my dad was the
one who never steered me wrong, gave
me positive guidance and advice and
protected me to the best of his ability
from the animal that came out of my
mom due to her own demons with alcohol
and pills.
She was the dr. jeckle/mr.hyde in the
family and as functionable as she was
in her career, once stripped down and
claws came out, there was no escaping
her for me.
She know I was closer to my dad and
I think she was jealous because of it.
When I was young she told me to stay
away from him because he was hers.
YOU DONT TELL A CHILD THAT. That
make an emotional physcological impact
on a childs mind. Right?
Over my entire adult life those words
have come to mind and each time I
would try to see or visit my parents,
I had to remind myself that I could
never have a positive healthy father
daughter relationship.
When I returned here to B. R. in 2006
I called my dad to say I was near their
home and wanted to see him. Its like
I have to make an appointment just to
see parents because they are old school
and so set in their ways. Anyway, I took
a deep breath and blurted out that im near
and would meet him for a chat.
I sat with him and told him what was
on my mind and what my mom told
me about leaving him alone and all
the childhood abuse I sustained from
her till I left home at 18. He knows
I was hurt, but never knew the extent
of the abuse and it hutrs him to hear
that I say that I was physically, emotionally
and verbally abused.
Of course my mom thinks all that
crap was made up in my mind and
I drank for attention. That im full of
sh*t.
Anyway, I left him and swore I had had
enough. I will not place myself in family
situations that is harmful to my own sobriety,
my own health. And as much as I felt
that it would be wrong, I tried so many
time to make this parent/daughter relationship
work and it just aint gonna.
So ive severed my ties with family and
im better for it today. My recovery and
sobriety is so important to me because
returning to the insanity of drinking
and resentments of the past would definitely
kill me.
Health, Happiness and Honest in recovery
in all areas of my life is the way to life.
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