maybe a dumb question

Old 01-16-2015, 08:24 PM
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maybe a dumb question

If alcoholics see there actions resulting from drinking hurt the ones they love so much why don't they get help? I know addictions are tough but I think if I had one that was allowing me to hurt others I do everything in my power to stop.

As much as he tells me he cares about me its hard to believe seeing he went on a bender while I was going into heart surgery and was never there for me after embarrassing himself by showing up in ICU inebriated. Wouldn't caring involve trying to make amends. I feel like I'm not important to him at all.

His excuse for leaving relp is my texts drive him crazy but the fights wouldnt happen if he get off his ass and be there for me. Sorry vent!!!
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Old 01-16-2015, 08:26 PM
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Because I don't think they really do see it or really care, and if they do they are in complete denial and then turn the blame unto you. You are in the way of their drinking.
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Old 01-16-2015, 08:29 PM
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That's the eternal question. I don't know if As are more selfish than others, but I do think addictions of any kind make people selfish.

This is why making life easier for an addict is not a good idea. Some will only stop if their addiction becomes painful for them, rather than their loved ones. Others take loved ones for granted, but that's not just addicts.
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Old 01-16-2015, 08:34 PM
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It hurts to hear him say ya I fu#$d up but do absolutely nothing to make it better. Instead I'm the reason for his bad behavior, can't handle texts/fighting. Sometimes I think he's a sociopath BC there's no empathy or feeling.
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Old 01-16-2015, 10:01 PM
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Originally Posted by charis78 View Post
It hurts to hear him say ya I fu#$d up but do absolutely nothing to make it better. Instead I'm the reason for his bad behavior, can't handle texts/fighting. Sometimes I think he's a sociopath BC there's no empathy or feeling.
He's not ready to stop, and he's shifting the blame to you. It doesn't look like much of a future for you.
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Old 01-16-2015, 10:39 PM
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If alcoholics see there actions resulting from drinking hurt the ones they love so much why don't they get help?


Good thing my teeth are still permanently imbedded in my mouth or I probably would have spit them out with my coffee.


No, just No.

A person Cannot truly be sorry and continue on the same path. that is not how this works. Without the actions to back up these meaningless words, you are still left tracking the dog poo throughout the house.
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Old 01-17-2015, 05:12 AM
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A prayer we are often asked to say in the Confessional ends with:
"I firmly intend, with the help of your grace, to sin no more and avoid the near occasion of sin."

I remember cringing when I would say that, because of the "sin no more" part. But, you are right, repentance includes amendment of life.
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Old 01-17-2015, 05:17 AM
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Although a former wife of an alcoholic, I am now in recovery for my own alcoholism.

Alcohol was my solution to living comfortably in the world. I'd often drink at just the wrong times. It wasn't that I had no feelings for others, but my self centeredness and my self loathing made drinking a viable option more than being present for others.

It sucked, but that was my delusional reality.

So sorry you are going through this. Until he wants to change and to recover, it won't necessarily happen just yet.

Sending you lots of love and hugs. heal well
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Old 01-17-2015, 05:37 AM
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I know this is hard to understand but we are not addicts and could never treat anyone like our addict treats us. I have reached out so many times on the A forum to comprehend what they are gong through. Not that we should have any compassion for them, but I always like to post their comments to me about trying to understand what it is like to be one. Here are a few comments, that I have posted many time.

Addiction is a selfish disease that robs the addict to feel any empathy for someone (even loved ones). They are fueled by the principal pleasure of numbing out, getting high or intoxicated. Everything else (responsibility, family rituals, loving cuddle moments, etc.) are second to the drug/alcohol.

When I was drinking, I didn't lie or cheat or hide it, and I don't remember feeling guilty about anything because in my eyes I was never doing anything harmful. When I got sober, and I realized the damage I had done, I about choked on the shame.

We think we KNOW what love is supposed to look like and when someone's behavior doesn't look like that, we think they don't love us. They behave that way because they're alcoholic. And love cannot cure alcoholism
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Old 01-17-2015, 06:01 AM
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charis78....if you are really serious to understand....the best thing I can offer you as an "explanation" of how the alcoholic mind works is this:
"Addiction, Lies, and Relationships", by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.

Do a google search and you will find it on the website: Welcome to Psychiatry & Wellness, Behavior Medicine Associates.
He actually wrote several articles which you might find informative, as well.

These are the best that I have read on this subject.

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Old 01-17-2015, 06:45 AM
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Thanks dandylion. I have read some articles from that site but not that one and it was very helpful. I've read some books too but I guess I have to bite the bullet and admit that no matter how much I intellectualize it, the hurt remains.
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Old 01-17-2015, 07:01 AM
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charis....yes, that is the hard part! It did help me when I could look at it as not anything personal toward me.
I don't think they set down and say to themselves: "let me drink today to see how much I can hurt her". It is more like: "I have got to have a drink to stop this damn noise in my own head for a while". When the powerful compulsions hit--I have heard alcoholics say: "I can't think of ANYTHING else..not anyone or anything else except getting a drink".

Of course, alcoholics, in recovery, will often talk about how overwhelmed and guilty and shameful they feel about the damage that their drinking have caused others (a frequent reason of relapse in early recovery). They are often shocked at the damage--after the curtains are pulled back, in recovery.
The active alcoholic seems to exist in their own world of defenses to protect their drinking....a sort of "protective bubble" made up of lies, denial and rationalizations...also anger and deflection are favorite tools.

This is why it is called a disease. It seems to invade and take over their personhood (emotionally, physically and spiritually).

Their actions do hurt us...they hurt us like hell!!

It does help to get your own equilibrium when you can stand back..at a distance...and see that it is about the disease and not about you (personally).

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Old 01-17-2015, 07:16 AM
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My mate drinks to stop his ears from ringing. I have come to understand that he also has other noises in his head of a spiritual nature that he is trying to escape from.
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Old 01-17-2015, 07:37 AM
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Originally Posted by charis78 View Post
Sometimes I think he's a sociopath BC there's no empathy or feeling.
After living with an addict for 7 years, I think that the addiction makes them sociopaths. That statement "HIT" me. My xABF was getting crazier and crazier towards the end. My dad was a schizophrenic. Living with my xABF the last 1.5 years before the relationship ended in him moving out after many manic episodes.

I think the alcohol seriously rots the brain. That sounds like a 'duh' statement. But seriously he is so paranoid and delusional that it was getting scary. I had friends who thought he might wake up in the middle of the night and hurt me and my DS5.

Sorry to go off on a tangent. I am not sure that it is an intentional 'not caring' on the part of the alcoholic/addict. IMO it is not directed at the sig other in the relationship. Why do I think this? I think this because after observation I have realized that my xABF didn't even care about himself enough to want to do the responsible things most people do. He is content to let his mom pay his rent (and so am I). I know he loves his son (some say not enough but who I am to judge) but he doesn't financially support him either. I do and always have. But I think that he doesn't even financially support himself so how can he support our son. This doesn't make it right. I understand that. My point, I guess, is that the addict is broken. Their ability to see things the way others do is pointing to a completely different delusion of reality that we most see. We are all delusional in that we all live different realities and come from different perspectives. In the addicts reality, there is one 'most' important thing that comes before everything. Even themselves. It is sad. I grieve for my xABF silently. I sincerely hope that someday he will snap out of it. That is what kept me around so long. But people are who people are. We have to believe in what is tangible and what fits our own realities and perspectives. Just pray that he will have the capacity to love some day.
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Old 01-17-2015, 07:48 AM
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When I was in my worst stages of drinking, and everyone was telling me I had to quit, and I was trying and couldn't do it...my life felt like I was on a pier in the middle of a hurricane, strapped to a deck chair, and life was pounding the hell out of me, wave after wave, situations and conditions after situations and conditions, event after event, lecture and condemnation after lecture and condemnation....and the only thing I could say, most often to myself, was...can't you see the alcohol and drugs are the only way I can survive and maintain in this storm (daily life as it seemed very real to me)??? Alcohol was my snowsuit in the midst of the blizzard. It was the only way I could actually make it to see you at the hospital, in my mind.

I could not fix myself, through any process of reasoning or observation of reality. My reality was that life was beating the $#!+ out of me and I had to drink to survive it...couldn't you recognize that??? I could not fix myself, and it was ONLY after repeated attempts and FAILURES at AA that I finally completely gave up, got a Sponsor that had worked the 12 Steps as they are presented in the AA Big Book, and worked the Steps under his direction. It was a period of pure HELL.

I am now completely FREE! And I KNOW ANYONE CAN BE ALSO. For me it took SURRENDER, then following the AA 12 Steps, listening to a lot of AA speaker messages that are easily found thru a web-search on the Internet, and going to a lot of AA meetings where I slowly made some accountable friends, which came mostly thru my Sponsor. It worked for me, and I was HOPELESS, completely consumed by the Incomprehensible Demoralization as described in the AA Big Book. Incomprehensible means just that, for the Addict AND everyone around them. I could NOT fix myself, and neither could the people around me...HOWEVER, I am now HAPPY, JOYOUS, & FREE...and ANYONE can be.

The 12 Steps ALWAYS work when completely and thoroughly worked as presented in the AA Big Book.

RDBplus3..
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Old 01-17-2015, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
It did help me when I could look at it as not anything personal toward me.
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Dandy - YES - that statement is so true. It is what finally helped me start to realize that I wasn't the person he was projecting me to be. His projections and his addictions were his to own. Not mine. I am broken in many ways (CODIE) but I am also compassionate, empathetic, smart, courageous and responsible.

In almost every story I have read about on here, the question is asked, "How could he/she do this to me?" It is the same universal question and there is really no answer. There doesn't need to be an answer. The question that helped me was, "Why am I letting another person treat me like this. Why am I allowing my son to live in this kind of a home?" What is ultimately wrong with me.

I can fix myself. I can think about what I am thinking and come to a different end result. I can shift my own delusional reality. I can show my son that there is a better way to live.

Shift the focus from him and why he is thinking what he is thinking and start thinking about why you are thinking what you are thinking. Why are you thinking it is okay to ponder and try to comprehend why someone you love and care for is treating you so badly. It comes down to what so many in SR have said, it's the actions of a person that define them (and OURSELVES TOO).
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Old 01-17-2015, 08:19 AM
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Chronsweet and RDP3.....wow! Such powerful posts. Thanks!

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Old 01-17-2015, 08:42 AM
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Could you give up water? That is what it feels like for the alcoholic or addict. They may want to stop, they may see how their addiction hurts others, but to them the substance feels necessary for life.

So you cannot depend on an alcoholic or addict in active addiction. Whatever emotional bonds they have with you will some or most times take a back seat. I think conceptualizing it as selfishness does not help, because the intensity of anger that comes from such thinking keeps you attached. Better (IMHO) to say that they are in the grip of something neither of you can control--so you can walk away from the relationship calmly.
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Old 01-17-2015, 10:39 AM
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If alcoholics see there actions resulting from drinking hurt the ones they love so much why don't they get help?

let's flip that around....if the people we love continue to HURT us time and time again, why do we stay?
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Old 01-17-2015, 10:55 AM
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Bc I hope it will be different
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