laurylady

I am hoping someone can shed some light on the current situation. I am not able to get to an Alanon meeting yet. Just kinda wingin' it on my own, and with you all til then. I told my AH that I am not happy with the current condition of the marriage and all that has went on. I told him I am ready to split up unless it changes. (I did tell him last year how I felt about his drinking, I really hated his drinking and felt like he was being too mean when he drank.) He said he wouldn't quit, so I felt I had to live with it, but now I am not so resigned to the codie position, I am stronger and ready to move on. His response is that is hurting beyond belief, he can't eat, or sleep, all he thinks about is me, he is trying to tell me that he loves me sooooo much, and I can trust him, he will be better now, and not get mean. He is waiting for me when I get home from work, he is calling me at work just to say how bad he feels, and how he can't eat, can't sleep, etc. He is trying to kiss me and hug me and pressure me into saying all of it back to him. He wants me to say I will be there for him and help him. I am afraid he is trying to put me back into my old role. He says he's serious about only cutting down on his drinking, he thinks he can control himself and not be mean anymore. He wants me to help him though and hug him and kiss him back, give him lots of love so he can quit feeling so sick to his stomach. I'm not ready to be so lovey dovey and feel he's trying to control me again. I said I can't help him get better, so now he thinks it is an injustice I am not helping him or giving him any positive feedback. He is trying sooo hard to prove his love for me that it turns me off. Is he just trying to control me or do most A's act like this when they are about to lose their spouse? What do I do? He's not even like the same person I was with 2 weeks ago who cut me down & didn't seem to like me much.
Laurie

Teggie

(((Laurie)))) I wish I had answers for you. Maybye a more experienced member can shed better insight. But I will try. Let me encourage you to get face to face alanon meetings started, beleive me it is well worth it. In alanon I have learned how important it is to take care of me, I had to learn how to detach from my AH and that was very hard to do. I had to learn how to detach from the emoitional side of my AH that was causing me pain without detaching from the good parts of him that I love. I know that A's can be very manipulative, mine certainly is, he knows all my buttons very well. And when they are backed into a corner they'll push every button there is. I just want to say that if there are things about your relationship that are hurting you, then thats a sign that needs intervention whether it is working on getting yourself to a point to be able to deal with it better or removing yourself from the situation. You can only decide which path is best for you. They tell us in alanon not to give advice to other members but encourage study and guidance from our HP's to help in making the decisions on our own. When I first came to alanon I had a little trouble with that, I wanted answers dangit! But I now understand why I had to make my own decisions. And alanon was essential to getting started on my recovery. I use alot of the alanon slogans in many parts of my life, when faced with a difficult decision I ask myself "How important is it?" and I "Think", and then I "Let go and let god" I try to remember "Easy does it" and practice that everyday. I don't feel like I've been any help whatsoever but I hope that maybye I have. Lurk these forums, check out the power posts, post and vent, rage, scream whatever cause it's all good here. Get to the face to face meetings, I can't stress that enough. Know that your not alone. Many hugs to you, Teggie

mountaingirl

Hi Laurie,
I, too, have no easy answers - you are farther up the road than I am. I have not threatened to leave yet. Just reading your story made me wonder if my AH would be like that. I never let him suffer long enough without digging him out to see. Have you actually got a plan to leave?
I think that it is perfectly normal to not be in a rush to return all his attention and love, because he broke your trust. Perhaps "normal" is a stupid word. I read a book title yesterday that cracked me up: I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just Not You. So, what is normal? We negotiate all our relationships. It sounds to me like we (you and me too) need to renegotiate our marriages!
Keep posting.

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Laurie,

This forum is full of old posts discussing this very thing. Let's call it the "Promises, Promises Syndrome". Sometimes the realization that their actions bring consequences rattles the substance abuser into considering that they ought to change. Sometimes it's empty promises meant to stall you until you forget what you intended to do and sometimes it's meant when it's said. Even if he means it right now, that's no guarantee that he'll clean up. And the fact that he thinks he can control his behavior while he CONTINUES TO DRINK shows a lack of real resolve.

Yes, it's kind of typical. Staying or leaving should be a decision you make based on what YOU want. You don't owe it to his recovery, false or true, to stay and "help". As you said, you can't "help" anyway. He will clean up or not all by himself.

Hugs!
Smoke

osier59

Hi Laurie,

My A got pretty weird when I was figuring out it was time to leave. We had already had the conversations every which way, promises were made, promises were demanded in return etc etc. And I experienced the groveling, the crying, the desperate hugs - all of that.

The thing I had to learn was that I was not responsible for HIS feelings. I had to take care of myself and my sons. If HE was uncomfortable with his feelings, that was his problem. For me it was a good example of experiencing the consequences of one's own actions.

I had to step out of the way so that HIS Higher Power could walk him thru some powerful lessons. The things he had to learn were from his HP and not from me. I just had to get out of the way for that to happen

Keep taking care of you and the rest will fall into place

Hugs and love,

Barb

best

As I think back and look over my feelings when I was in his shoes....
As memory serves me ... It was fear and panic caused by (me) a immature adult's lack of thinking .
New ground and not knowing how to fix things. I have used the analogy of a drowning person who panics even when help is there. Looking back I am seeing it as a first step before I started to accept who I was.
For me it was a needed step. A wake up call you could say.

Slowing down and stopping are two different things. If he has a problem and tries to just slow down, the odds are against him that he can stay slowed down. May work for a time. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. A little today, a little more tomorrow.
AA and the steps would be a good idea if he wants to stop. AA would be a great place for him to just gather info as well.
He will change when he wants to.
Your boundaries for him are there for you. Your boundaries will help you deal with what ever comes along.
When he changes because he wants to change is when things may hold solid as far as the drinking goes.

Oh and you don't have to live with it. That is your choice. If you want to stay you can. If you want to leave you can do that as well. (or stay and he goes)

ps: what this behavior now? I would think because he is now seeing... You mean what you say and will say what you mean. ot oh? is the thought that first comes to his mind...what do I do now? fix fix fix... but he isn' t fixing what needs be fixed... Himself.

best

Don't know if this would be proper but the word picture sure does fit *LOL*

3 scientist did a study on an elephant. They wanted to see the effects of constipation on such a large animal.
They put a cork in the elephant's butt. After 2 weeks the elephant became so weak they thought to end the study.
1st scientist.... How do we remove the cork?
2nd scientist... Well I'm not going to do it.
3rd scientist... lets train the monkey and have him do it.

The three taking notes once the cork was removed
1st... I saw mounds and mounds of crap
2nd ... I saw mounds and mounds and mounds of crap
3rd ... I saw the monkey trying to put the cork back in.

Yup I remember being the monkey at a point that seemed to be to late.

Hope that anyone reading this doesn't find it disrespectful
An old joke I had heard but the word picture sure does seem to fit ever so well.