killerinstinct

I saw my ex husband jumping on a bus with some guy. Our eyes met, then I looked away. He looked so happy and healthy and satisfied. It hurts so much seeing how well he's moved on. Just looking at him like he is a stranger while our son was in the car... Heartbreaking. I meant nothing to him nor did our son. And I spent years heartbroken over him.

Katchie

Hugs to you, I'm sorry you're hurting so much.

Your last sentence stood out to me. If you spent years heartbroken over him, isn't it time to do what you need to to heal yourself? This way, the next time you see him getting on the bus and your eyes meet, you have the healed confidence to be the one who smiles and goes on about her business. The difference will be that your healing will be real while his happiness is only pretend.

It will all be ok. Where is your support?

lillamy

You know, I wonder why we can get "hung up" on another person like you are on this guy? (And like I was on the guy I used to call "the love of my life" -- the one I couldn't live without... and look at me now, living and sh*t.... )

It took me a really long time to figure out that it wasn't really about him at all -- it was about... what he represented to me (a casual, intelligent, smart, fancy, laid-back way of sauntering through life) and how being with him (in the good times) made me feel (luxurious, gorgeous, like everything would always be easy street).

Once I figured out what it was I had sort of plastered all over him in the way of expectations, it was easier for me to compare that to the Real Guy, who he really was. You know, a guy who sauntered through life because people kept rescuing him from all the stupid crap he did so he never had to suffer the consequences. A guy who never really grew up (and who after we broke up married a woman who basically mothers him).

I came to the conclusion, after a lot of pain and an awful lot of tears, that this guy was NEVER who I thought he was, who I wanted him to be. And all that stuff that he represented to me -- it was stuff that, if I still wanted it, I had to go after myself. Not expect anyone else to provide for me.

Of course, I drew that really brilliant conclusion and then walked straight into an abusive marriage with AXH, so I clearly didn't really "get" my own insights. But there they are, anyway.

Sungrl

You say he looked happy, healthy, satisfied??

You are assuming (and you know what they say about that)

Even more so though, you know darn well, looks can be deceiving!!

Hangnbyathread

OK as a male I want to offer up this perspective and please know it is not to bash or cause strife to you or anyone. My ex (NON AC) wife and I separated prior to our divorce. Neither of us hated each other and weren't in any hurry to find someone else so we didn't have a timetable for a divorce. She was actually the one that wanted the separation as I pretty much was working like crazy and it didn't bother me if she was home or not when I got there. So I didn't fight it if that was what she wanted. We wanted to let a separation more clearly define our feelings about our marriage. She left the state, and we both led our own lives. I sent her her mail and etc. but aside from this didn't really have anything to do with her nor really care what she was up to. Actually hoped she was finding happiness as we were pretty miserable together.

At about year 2 her brother called me and said XXXXX has Stage 4 cancer and she is still on your healthcare plan but can't get help because you are separated and non co resident. Can I please consider options to help. As I said I didn't hate the woman and I agreed to let her come back to get this behind her. I had purchased some houses during this time of separation and I let her move into a little 2 bedroom house I had. Got her into care and she had a complete hysterectomy and eradicated her cancer. For which I was as grateful as she was. While this was going on, I led my life as normal. I was happy, doing well, had friends, activities, and a new life. I didn't abandon her during her cancer care but I wasn't at her side either. I even helped with her after hospital care at home. Which means curtailing my social life pretty much entirely but I was OK with that as it was short term.

Somehow the very thought of my moving on caused her great strife. She grew a huge hatred towards me for moving on so well. That led to a divorce that was ugly and drawn out. So that is my back story.

May I ask, what has your ex done wrong by moving on? Is it your hope that he be miserable? If so may I ask for what purpose that serves? Isn't that part of a relationship ending is to move on with our lives? Does he wish you a bad life now? Is he outwardly doing anything to undermine your life (financially, using children and weapons etc.)

I guess what I am saying is, whatever broke you guys, shouldn't be a part of your life now. You both recognized this was broken and chose to move along separately from each other. That is kind of the whole intent of this. Why wish each other misery now. You had enough of that when you were together.

hopeful4

Looks can be deceiving.....don't forget that!

XXX

Sungrl

Excellent perspective Hangin'.

Completely agree.

soullong

(((((((killerinstinct))))))), I totally understand. Sometimes loving someone, you want the best for them but it is hard when after the intensity of caring, worrying, learning about boundaries and being there for them through their struggles through their own private hell at times, they can just cut off all caring/depth/emotion. I think it is o.k. to accept that you still care, and that you're hurt and sad. And I'm sorry that your son hasn't really gotten a chance to know his dad.

Jodie77

I totally understand where you're coming from. You invest years in this person who you love, sacrifice for, demonstrate selflessness, and accept behavior that violates your ethical code. You let this person stomp all over your heart by putting his addiction first, and then when it ends and you see him out, and he appears to be happy it is a slap in the face. I get it.

FlippedRHalo

They have a child together. Apparently, by the sounds of Killer's post, he's not concerned with his son, his own flesh and blood.

Call me a b*tch, but when you have a child that you're ignoring and not caring for because of your alcoholism or addiction, and you expect mom to put in all the work and responsibility alone, then no, I don't wish you well. I wish you misery. You deserve it.

I have no sympathy for addicts, alcoholics or anyone else that walks away from their children. I completely understand where Killer is coming from.

MissFixit

i am sorry that u are struggling. his outsides do not reflect what could be going on inside him. you are jumping to conclusions about him.

you just got a protective order against him. no way he is in a great place. he has major mental issues.

back to you...what are you doing to move forward? i think you do therapy, right? what about grief counselling?

building up your life will give you fewer resources to think about him.

Hangnbyathread

And I completely concur with all of this.

I do not know if he has abandoned his child(ren) or not by the post here. What I perceived by this post was, they crossed paths unexpectedly, and he chose to not interact. Perhaps to save the child(ren) from witnessing a drama between their parents? And the guy may or may not be happy, but I appreciate NOT exposing children to drama if avoidable.

Timeiskey

I get what you are saying Hangn, but I can definitely see Killer's perspective. She seems to be the one shouldering the responsibility of the life they created together. I also didn't get that Killer was wishing ill will on her ex, but more trying to make sense of the emotional remnants of the life she made with him...or perhaps I am projecting, lol.

killerinstinct

Time, your right I just don't know how to articulate it all - but what you said is so spot on .. The fact that I can't even articulate it and someone else can is a worry