New here-- any advice appreciated.
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New here-- any advice appreciated.
Hello. I am a 20 year old college student living with my parents. I do not have a drinking problem myself, but my mom does. I think it is mild compared to others alcohol usage and thus alcohol causes less pain for me than it does for the lives of others on this forum. My mom drinks a bottle of wine, plus some every night. It has been about 12 years since she started this routine. When she is drunk she is very frustrating to talk to, argumentative, and doesn't remember conversations the next day. She is sober during the day. I do not have to be around her often when she is drunk, but my dad is with her every night, and he has told me it pains him. I am 21, and though I live with my parents, I am usually not around at nighttime. I feel very guilty when I leave my dad alone to deal with this, and to think about how he feels night after night. I am worried that if I move out he will be very lonely and sad, and especially if a tragedy occurs and she is not able to offer support because of her drinking. Of course, I am also worried about my mom. Her drinking problem seems to get worse when there are not others around. When my dad was out of town, there was one incident where I found her lying down in a fetal position with her pants and underwear down around her ankles in the living room. My dad has spoken with her to no avail. I want to talk to her as well, although I am finding it very difficult to work up the courage. If anyone has tips or advice on the best way to bring this up to her, and maybe what to expect, this would be very appreciated. Maybe I am not looking in the right places, but most of my friends blow this off and I can't find anyone to speak to about it besides my dad. I recognize that I am in a far better position than other people who have alcohol addicted love ones, but it still causes me daily hurt and distress.
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Hello, Dear one, I'm so happy you found this place to come.
I began reading your post and stopped to write when I read you are worried for your dad, and feel guilty leaving him. Please, Please, as a parent whose child has said the same thing.... don't feel guilty!
I am sure he loves you very much and might even be happy for you when you're gone so that you don't have to wittness or watch any of her outbursts. I know that when my girls are gone, I am a little rested knowing they don't have to stick around for his nonsense.
Now, for the rest of your post; I know someone will be along shortly to welcome you and give you some words of knowledge and advice.
Welcome, again. I'm glad your here.
I began reading your post and stopped to write when I read you are worried for your dad, and feel guilty leaving him. Please, Please, as a parent whose child has said the same thing.... don't feel guilty!
I am sure he loves you very much and might even be happy for you when you're gone so that you don't have to wittness or watch any of her outbursts. I know that when my girls are gone, I am a little rested knowing they don't have to stick around for his nonsense.
Now, for the rest of your post; I know someone will be along shortly to welcome you and give you some words of knowledge and advice.
Welcome, again. I'm glad your here.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Thank you so much for your advice & welcome. : )
You are probably right--sometimes I don't think I give my parents enough credit for handling themselves and instead just get very sad and depressed about their problems. I think largely I feel guilty because he has tried to talk to her and I have not yet. I feel like I at least have to try what I can.
You are probably right--sometimes I don't think I give my parents enough credit for handling themselves and instead just get very sad and depressed about their problems. I think largely I feel guilty because he has tried to talk to her and I have not yet. I feel like I at least have to try what I can.
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Hi there! You've shown a lot of courage coming here, so good for you! I'm sorry that you are having to search out places like this, but I agree with the poster above me. The best thing you can do is live your life. There isn't anything you can do for your mother if she is not willing to admit her dependence on alcohol and actively seek help and recovery. This is her problem, not yours or your dads. We start to become crazy, depressed, and a whole lot of other unhealthy things when we make it our problem. I know that sounds harsh and uncaring, but to allow your loved one to feel their consequences is the most loving thing to do, hard, but loving.
Since you are so worried about your dad and how he is coping and how he will cope in the future, perhaps the two of you could find an Alanon meeting that the both of you can go to together? There is also Celebrate Recovery as an alternative. It will help you and your dad learn how to cope and give your dad a strong support system when you do leave one day.
Please read the stickies at the top of the Friends and Family forum page; there is so much information for you and to pass on to your dad. If your dad uses a computer at all, perhaps suggest he check this place out for himself. I'm sure he could use the outlet too.
Hugs hon...Things will be ok.
Since you are so worried about your dad and how he is coping and how he will cope in the future, perhaps the two of you could find an Alanon meeting that the both of you can go to together? There is also Celebrate Recovery as an alternative. It will help you and your dad learn how to cope and give your dad a strong support system when you do leave one day.
Please read the stickies at the top of the Friends and Family forum page; there is so much information for you and to pass on to your dad. If your dad uses a computer at all, perhaps suggest he check this place out for himself. I'm sure he could use the outlet too.
Hugs hon...Things will be ok.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
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This affects you more than you realize. Feeling guilty, feeling a sense of responsibility for your parents - these are both things that normal, well-adjusted children don't have to deal with. You aren't responsible for two grown adults who can make their own decisions. They may be making poor decisions, but that's on them entirely. I'm sorry you've had to come here, but you certainly aren't alone. There are many of us Adult Children of Alcoholics in the ACoA forum (a few spots below this one in the main forum listing). You fit in more than you believe you do. Come talk to us and get to know more about how YOU can begin to take care of YOURSELF and stop taking on the responsibilities and guilt for your parents. 
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Join Date: Oct 2014
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Hi Adi,
Although it's not your responsibility to do so, you might want to try having a conversation with your mom about her drinking, or writing her a letter if that's easier. I say this because a friend of mine was really shaken up recently when her daughter told her that she (the mom) drinks too much. That conversation spurred my friend to start changing her behavior.
It seems to me that you might feel better just letting your mom know how her behavior is affecting you, and it just might help spur her to start making changes, too.
Hopefully the support group here will be helpful to you, and perhaps you can find an in-person group (Alateen or Alanon) where you live, too. The support really helps.
Take care--
Although it's not your responsibility to do so, you might want to try having a conversation with your mom about her drinking, or writing her a letter if that's easier. I say this because a friend of mine was really shaken up recently when her daughter told her that she (the mom) drinks too much. That conversation spurred my friend to start changing her behavior.
It seems to me that you might feel better just letting your mom know how her behavior is affecting you, and it just might help spur her to start making changes, too.
Hopefully the support group here will be helpful to you, and perhaps you can find an in-person group (Alateen or Alanon) where you live, too. The support really helps.
Take care--
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Join Date: Mar 2014
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Hey there-
Wow!! You are super strong and courageous for coming to this forum! It is a wonderful site that is full of great advice! A lot of the "old timers" are not usually on this late, but they read all the posts in the morning, so do remember to check back in the morning too!!!
I want you to know that you don't need to feel any guilt about your father. I KNOW (as a mother of 5) that he wouldn't want you to feel guilt about not being there. My mother is a very "interesting person" and I often find myself feeling guilty about leaving my step-dad alone to deal with her.
But- the good news is this--- Your dad has options. Neither one of you HAVE to tolerate this behavior from her.
There is al-anon. Which is the family and friends part of AA (alcoholics Anonymous). I started going and it REALLY helped me learn how to deal with alcoholics. I think you would find a TON of support there, and while you can't "force" your dad to go with you, you could lead by example. If you started going and shared some of the info with your dad, he might go too. Or even just grabbing some pamphlets and leaving them on the coffee table or somewhere where EVERYONE in the family will notice it can prompt people to go too. I was really skeptical when people told me I should go, but it has been the best thing that ever happened.
And it sounds like you are minimizing your mothers alcoholism (by saying you don't have it as bad as other people on this forum have it). Alcoholism is alcoholism. There is no "good" or "not as bad" alcoholism. If it's enough to bother you even just a hint, then it's a problem and you and your dad deserve better!!
Hugs to you!! Don't forget to check in tomorrow morning!!
Wow!! You are super strong and courageous for coming to this forum! It is a wonderful site that is full of great advice! A lot of the "old timers" are not usually on this late, but they read all the posts in the morning, so do remember to check back in the morning too!!!
I want you to know that you don't need to feel any guilt about your father. I KNOW (as a mother of 5) that he wouldn't want you to feel guilt about not being there. My mother is a very "interesting person" and I often find myself feeling guilty about leaving my step-dad alone to deal with her.
But- the good news is this--- Your dad has options. Neither one of you HAVE to tolerate this behavior from her.
There is al-anon. Which is the family and friends part of AA (alcoholics Anonymous). I started going and it REALLY helped me learn how to deal with alcoholics. I think you would find a TON of support there, and while you can't "force" your dad to go with you, you could lead by example. If you started going and shared some of the info with your dad, he might go too. Or even just grabbing some pamphlets and leaving them on the coffee table or somewhere where EVERYONE in the family will notice it can prompt people to go too. I was really skeptical when people told me I should go, but it has been the best thing that ever happened.
And it sounds like you are minimizing your mothers alcoholism (by saying you don't have it as bad as other people on this forum have it). Alcoholism is alcoholism. There is no "good" or "not as bad" alcoholism. If it's enough to bother you even just a hint, then it's a problem and you and your dad deserve better!!
Hugs to you!! Don't forget to check in tomorrow morning!!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 9
Thank you so much to everyone for the support and advice, I am so glad I posted here. It is reassuring to hear from parents that I should not feel guilty. That is really a weight off of my chest. Going to Al-Anon is an intimidating idea for me, but after so many mentions, maybe it would be good for my dad and I to go. He is very kind and I think he would be willing.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by sauerkraut 
Hi Adi,
Although it's not your responsibility to do so, you might want to try having a conversation with your mom about her drinking, or writing her a letter if that's easier. I say this because a friend of mine was really shaken up recently when her daughter told her that she (the mom) drinks too much. That conversation spurred my friend to start changing her behavior.
It seems to me that you might feel better just letting your mom know how her behavior is affecting you, and it just might help spur her to start making changes, too.
Hopefully the support group here will be helpful to you, and perhaps you can find an in-person group (Alateen or Alanon) where you live, too. The support really helps.
Take care--
Although it's not your responsibility to do so, you might want to try having a conversation with your mom about her drinking, or writing her a letter if that's easier. I say this because a friend of mine was really shaken up recently when her daughter told her that she (the mom) drinks too much. That conversation spurred my friend to start changing her behavior.
It seems to me that you might feel better just letting your mom know how her behavior is affecting you, and it just might help spur her to start making changes, too.
Hopefully the support group here will be helpful to you, and perhaps you can find an in-person group (Alateen or Alanon) where you live, too. The support really helps.
Take care--
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Adi,
I'm glad you're realizing that her choices are not your responsibility. In the process of figuring out how to deal with the alcoholic in my own life, I'm learning that many of us feel undeserved guilt in part because our loved ones are very good at making us feel like we're the ones doing something wrong.
Just to reiterate, if you decide to talk to her, don't do it because you're responsible for her behavior but just because you really want her to know how it affects you, how you worry, etc. She's the one who has to find the strength and courage to make changes, but I believe (though others will disagree) that people can be motivated, in part, by what their loved ones do and say. And, most importantly, I think you should say how you feel for your own sake, so you can know that you did what you could to try to wake her up.
By the way, I just wanted to say kudos to you for realizing how serious alcoholism is even though it seems like your friends don't get it. It's unfortunate that you've had to learn it in the place where you should feel most secure, but at least you've gained some valuable life knowledge that many people don't figure out until they are a lot older.
I'm glad you're realizing that her choices are not your responsibility. In the process of figuring out how to deal with the alcoholic in my own life, I'm learning that many of us feel undeserved guilt in part because our loved ones are very good at making us feel like we're the ones doing something wrong.
Just to reiterate, if you decide to talk to her, don't do it because you're responsible for her behavior but just because you really want her to know how it affects you, how you worry, etc. She's the one who has to find the strength and courage to make changes, but I believe (though others will disagree) that people can be motivated, in part, by what their loved ones do and say. And, most importantly, I think you should say how you feel for your own sake, so you can know that you did what you could to try to wake her up.
By the way, I just wanted to say kudos to you for realizing how serious alcoholism is even though it seems like your friends don't get it. It's unfortunate that you've had to learn it in the place where you should feel most secure, but at least you've gained some valuable life knowledge that many people don't figure out until they are a lot older.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Freetosmile brought up a point that the rest of us failed to touch on: alcoholism is alcoholism. It is a progressive disease that will get worse if left untreated. No one here has that special alcoholic who will just maintain a slight problem that doesn't bother anyone else. We may come here thinking that, but it's not true. We call that thinking "terminal uniqueness". You'll find in time that we're all here in various stages of dealing with our loved one's alcoholism, but that we have more similarities than differences in our lives.
Talking to your mother is definitely something you can try, but remember that it is ultimately up to her to decide if or when she wants to stop drinking. If you go into a conversation hoping she'll see the light, well, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. This talk is for YOU, so that you at least know that she has heard how you feel about it. She may stomp all over your feelings, but that's not unusual. She may make an effort at finding recovery. That's not the more common outcome, but it is possible. Just remember that her choice to get better or not is completely hers. There's nothing we can do to change the alcoholic, only the way in which we respond to them and choose to live our lives amidst the chaos. I personally have gone No Contact with my mother, and that's what works for me and my family. Not everything here is one-size-fits-all. As we say in Al-Anon, take what you like and leave the rest.
Talking to your mother is definitely something you can try, but remember that it is ultimately up to her to decide if or when she wants to stop drinking. If you go into a conversation hoping she'll see the light, well, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. This talk is for YOU, so that you at least know that she has heard how you feel about it. She may stomp all over your feelings, but that's not unusual. She may make an effort at finding recovery. That's not the more common outcome, but it is possible. Just remember that her choice to get better or not is completely hers. There's nothing we can do to change the alcoholic, only the way in which we respond to them and choose to live our lives amidst the chaos. I personally have gone No Contact with my mother, and that's what works for me and my family. Not everything here is one-size-fits-all. As we say in Al-Anon, take what you like and leave the rest.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Originally Posted by sauerkraut
Hi Adi,
I'm glad you're realizing that her choices are not your responsibility. In the process of figuring out how to deal with the alcoholic in my own life, I'm learning that many of us feel undeserved guilt in part because our loved ones are very good at making us feel like we're the ones doing something wrong.
Just to reiterate, if you decide to talk to her, don't do it because you're responsible for her behavior but just because you really want her to know how it affects you, how you worry, etc. She's the one who has to find the strength and courage to make changes, but I believe (though others will disagree) that people can be motivated, in part, by what their loved ones do and say. And, most importantly, I think you should say how you feel for your own sake, so you can know that you did what you could to try to wake her up.
By the way, I just wanted to say kudos to you for realizing how serious alcoholism is even though it seems like your friends don't get it. It's unfortunate that you've had to learn it in the place where you should feel most secure, but at least you've gained some valuable life knowledge that many people don't figure out until they are a lot older.
I'm glad you're realizing that her choices are not your responsibility. In the process of figuring out how to deal with the alcoholic in my own life, I'm learning that many of us feel undeserved guilt in part because our loved ones are very good at making us feel like we're the ones doing something wrong.
Just to reiterate, if you decide to talk to her, don't do it because you're responsible for her behavior but just because you really want her to know how it affects you, how you worry, etc. She's the one who has to find the strength and courage to make changes, but I believe (though others will disagree) that people can be motivated, in part, by what their loved ones do and say. And, most importantly, I think you should say how you feel for your own sake, so you can know that you did what you could to try to wake her up.
By the way, I just wanted to say kudos to you for realizing how serious alcoholism is even though it seems like your friends don't get it. It's unfortunate that you've had to learn it in the place where you should feel most secure, but at least you've gained some valuable life knowledge that many people don't figure out until they are a lot older.
Okay, thank you so much. I would like her to know how I feel, so I'll make sure not to put blame on myself if she is not willing to change. I also want to know where she is at in her head, and to see if maybe we can have an open dialogue about everything.
And yes, I am really glad I found this forum, because I have been thinking "Well, she has been a really great mom otherwise and she only gets drunk at night, so it could be worse." Which it absolutely could be worse, and those are all true facts, but it's good to know that "alcoholism is alcoholism". It is true, and also gives me some validation for how awful I feel about it.
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Originally Posted by NWGRITS
Freetosmile brought up a point that the rest of us failed to touch on: alcoholism is alcoholism. It is a progressive disease that will get worse if left untreated. No one here has that special alcoholic who will just maintain a slight problem that doesn't bother anyone else. We may come here thinking that, but it's not true. We call that thinking "terminal uniqueness". You'll find in time that we're all here in various stages of dealing with our loved one's alcoholism, but that we have more similarities than differences in our lives.
Talking to your mother is definitely something you can try, but remember that it is ultimately up to her to decide if or when she wants to stop drinking. If you go into a conversation hoping she'll see the light, well, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. This talk is for YOU, so that you at least know that she has heard how you feel about it. She may stomp all over your feelings, but that's not unusual. She may make an effort at finding recovery. That's not the more common outcome, but it is possible. Just remember that her choice to get better or not is completely hers. There's nothing we can do to change the alcoholic, only the way in which we respond to them and choose to live our lives amidst the chaos. I personally have gone No Contact with my mother, and that's what works for me and my family. Not everything here is one-size-fits-all. As we say in Al-Anon, take what you like and leave the rest.
Talking to your mother is definitely something you can try, but remember that it is ultimately up to her to decide if or when she wants to stop drinking. If you go into a conversation hoping she'll see the light, well, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. This talk is for YOU, so that you at least know that she has heard how you feel about it. She may stomp all over your feelings, but that's not unusual. She may make an effort at finding recovery. That's not the more common outcome, but it is possible. Just remember that her choice to get better or not is completely hers. There's nothing we can do to change the alcoholic, only the way in which we respond to them and choose to live our lives amidst the chaos. I personally have gone No Contact with my mother, and that's what works for me and my family. Not everything here is one-size-fits-all. As we say in Al-Anon, take what you like and leave the rest.
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I feel very guilty when I leave my dad alone to deal with this, and to think about how he feels night after night. I am worried that if I move out he will be very lonely and sad, and especially if a tragedy occurs and she is not able to offer support because of her drinking.
You are not responsible for your father any more than you're responsible for your mother. She chooses to drink; he chooses to stay with her. They are both adults; they are both aware of what they are doing.
You are also "awfulizing" -- thinking ahead to horrible things in the future that might happen if you don't do certain things (continue living with them, in your case). That's very common among people who have addicts in the family -- we keep imagining horrible scenarios that make us feel even more trapped in our situations.
You are an adult. You have a right to your own life. I have a son your age -- I've had this discussion with him: He went off to school while I was still dealing with his dad (my ex) who was an abusive alcoholic trying to do his worst to make my life miserable. My son kept saying "I feel guilty for leaving you and my siblings there, while I'm off here just having a great time."
I told him that rather than feeling like he abandoned us, the other kids and I felt inspired by him. He was able to swim to shore and save himself. If he can do it, we can, too.
I really like the recommendation to check out the ACOA board here. And I also think Al-Anon would be good for both you and your father, if you can convince him to come along.
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