Why do alcoholics think I am miserable?

Old 01-15-2015, 05:22 AM
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Why do alcoholics think I am miserable?

Got this over the years from my XAH, and he still tells anyone who will listen that I am a miserable, unhappy person. Now my daughter (other thread) is on the same bandwagon.

Do others get this? I find it offensive. I don't tell other people, even the addicts in my life, how they feel. As a matter of fact, I'm not miserable. I am a serious person, always have been. I lead a quiet life, which I enjoy. A home-cooked meal, and watching a new episode of a favorite show with my dog on my lap, is a nice time to me. I like a good book. I work at home and I love the quiet and peace. I'm usually in a decent mood though I don't run around announcing it to everybody.

Is it that others can't imagine living this way, so they assume I'm miserable? Why don't they tend to their own business instead of psychoanalyzing me? My D who is facing a felony charge related to her drinking tells me I am an extremely negative person.
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Old 01-15-2015, 05:31 AM
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They are probably projecting their own misery onto you to make themselves feel better. After all, you've got to be the one not enjoying life because you aren't altering your consciousness every day like they are.

It's just typical alcoholic/addict BS. I wouldn't give it an ounce of credibility.
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Old 01-15-2015, 05:40 AM
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My D who is facing a felony charge related to her drinking tells me I am an extremely negative person.
Because you're not rubbing her back, telling her everything is going to be okay, and offering to pay all her lawyer fees. Maybe you're even doing these things.

She's in a bind and is looking for a scapegoat. It's easier to focus on whether mom is negative than to face the fact that she has a real big problem to manage, and it's hers alone.
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Old 01-15-2015, 05:43 AM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
They are probably projecting their own misery onto you to make themselves feel better. After all, you've got to be the one not enjoying life because you aren't altering your consciousness every day like they are.

It's just typical alcoholic/addict BS. I wouldn't give it an ounce of credibility.
Exactly what lexi said. I get told that I am bipolar by my XABF, because he "looked it up on the internet". The reality is, everything he accuses me of being, he's really talking about himself. Typical, manipulative, alcoholic bs.

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Old 01-15-2015, 05:47 AM
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Let me translate for you - "miserable/boring/unhappy" = "opposed to my drinking!"

AM used to say this about my Dad, even though her own attitudes were quite conservative, and when drinking freely tended to buzzkill social gatherings quite effectively.

The only way to stop an alcoholic having that opinion of you is to not only permit their drinking without judgement, but to actually get drunk alongside them and match their level of intoxication on an hourly basis. The conflict would then shift to when the two of you are both blackout drunk, when you'd just beat the crap out of each other and get arrested.

A former friend of mine, a nightly drinker, had a night out with a mate of his who was further down that road than he was. At some point, his friend was asked to leave this wedding reception because he'd got too drunk, while both were waiting for a taxi outside, he became randomly enraged (as people do when 99% of their higher brain functions are shut down) and swung a haymaker at his best friend. He missed, fell over, cracked his head on the curb and ended up in a coma.
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Old 01-15-2015, 05:52 AM
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Santa....out in the world...away from your husband and immediate family...how would/do others describe you?......this might give you a clue to something......
what kind of feedback to you get from them?

You sound as if you might be, basically, an introvert? (not that these two things are necessarily related...lol)

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Old 01-15-2015, 05:58 AM
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^ yes I'm an introvert. All of us introverts know that extroverts cannot abide an introvert!
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Old 01-15-2015, 06:10 AM
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Whoaaaa, Nellie. You are talking to an extrovert, here....LOL. I don't agree that that statement is true across the board. Not from my experience, anyway.

What I was driving at was this: Sometimes, the people in our families (for their own dysfunctional reasons) see us as very different that the whole rest of the world sees us.
From this, we may take some comfort that the people who are berating us may just be grinding their own personal ax for some reason (alcoholism?).

I have known lots of introverts...and, many of them seemed like contented people---just as happy as anyone else.

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Old 01-15-2015, 06:47 AM
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Let me translate for you - "miserable/boring/unhappy" = "opposed to my drinking!"
This is what I think too.
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Old 01-15-2015, 06:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Santa View Post
Got this over the years from my XAH, and he still tells anyone who will listen that I am a miserable, unhappy person. Now my daughter (other thread) is on the same bandwagon.

Do others get this? I find it offensive. I don't tell other people, even the addicts in my life, how they feel. As a matter of fact, I'm not miserable. I am a serious person, always have been. I lead a quiet life, which I enjoy. A home-cooked meal, and watching a new episode of a favorite show with my dog on my lap, is a nice time to me. I like a good book. I work at home and I love the quiet and peace. I'm usually in a decent mood though I don't run around announcing it to everybody.

Is it that others can't imagine living this way, so they assume I'm miserable? Why don't they tend to their own business instead of psychoanalyzing me? My D who is facing a felony charge related to her drinking tells me I am an extremely negative person.
One of the best things I ever heard said about this was "Abusers (or, in your case, alcoholics) don't like it when you do well after they aren't a part of your life anymore because it proves they were a large part of the problem." By delving deep into who they think you are they never need to examine their own lives. I do this with my XAH sometimes and am learning to just let it alone and work on myself instead.

It's funny - I think many addicts/alcoholics are drawn to introverts because we can control ourselves, we can pursue some of life's quieter joys....and these are the very things they complain about later on. An interesting paradox, to say the least.
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Old 01-15-2015, 07:19 AM
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I'm like you -- give me a book, a fire in the fireplace, a cup of tea, and I'm golden. It's not that I don't like people -- but I like them in smaller servings than most. I get that, too -- that I'm miserable and boring -- and not only from addicts. But usually from people who are... not quite comfortable with their own choices.

I've found that people who are secure in themselves and comfortable with their life choices don't feel a need to control, direct, and criticize the choices of others.
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Old 01-15-2015, 07:24 AM
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Santa, this may be the tiniest bit off-topic, but I think you will find this helpful: How to Protect Yourself as an Empath | Spirit Science

I am a wicked introvert myself, and it helped me a lot
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Old 01-15-2015, 07:48 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
Santa....out in the world...away from your husband and immediate family...how would/do others describe you?......this might give you a clue to something......
what kind of feedback to you get from them?

You sound as if you might be, basically, an introvert? (not that these two things are necessarily related...lol)

dandylion
^This.

The whole time my (then)AH was telling me how negative I was & how rotten my attitude constantly was, many others around me simultaneously praised me for being such a positive influence & have such a great attitude.

I realized he was the ONLY one who thought of me this way. (and, of course, any of his drinking friends that didn't know me at all - which is why he wouldn't let me meet most of them, once they met me they saw who/how I really am)

I also realized that I was letting his ONE opinion weight 1000lbs & all of the others combined less than an ounce. Why was I letting my opinion of myself be so affected by HIS opinion & not the dozens of others? That was one of the thoughts that showed me a true example of codependency in my life & just how much I needed to change.
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Old 01-15-2015, 07:51 AM
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FireSprite.....that is exactly what I was trying to get at.....

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Old 01-15-2015, 07:54 AM
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@dandylion - "abide" probably wasn't the best word choice. I do think, just based on my experiences, that many extroverts have a difficult to impossible time fathoming that there are people who are not like them, and that it's okay.

Decades in the corporate world taught me how to "fake" it; it's not that I can't talk to people or that I don't enjoy interacting with people at all. I do, especially my longtime friends. But whereas an extrovert comes alive when he or she steps out of the house, I breathe a sigh of relief when I get home.
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Old 01-15-2015, 07:58 AM
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When addicts start talking like that we just need to put on our t-shirt.



Their own life is a giant mess. Their critique of your life is just a lot of noise. Pay it no mind.
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Old 01-15-2015, 08:09 AM
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Me three!
My X is always saying how miserable I am. Hmmm...I don't feel that way at all. I think he looks at my life (I don't drink and am perfectly content to live with my girls, my cats, and my dog) and cannot imagine that brings me happiness. Whatever. It is what I think of myself and what sort of example I set for my kids that matters to me!

Thumper, that is awesome!

Originally Posted by Santa View Post
This is what I think too.
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Old 01-15-2015, 08:18 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
FireSprite.....that is exactly what I was trying to get at.....

dandylion
Great minds, us ENFJ's.

Seriously though - another thought for you:

Once IN recovery & dealing with this stuff head-on I also realized that there WAS a grain of truth to what AH was saying.

Dealing with him DID make me miserable, negative & nasty. His behaviors brought out the very worst in me & I thought I was right to defend myself in those situations, but what surfaced was that ugliness - he threw it at me & I threw it back harder. Of course he was the only one to see me this way - he was the only one I treated that way! He could never see that he played any part in it of course, not until he had been sober for a while.

Learning detachment made a huge difference for me - I could remove myself before I helped to make bad situation worse.
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Old 01-15-2015, 08:26 AM
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Dealing with him DID make me miserable
Oh absolutely. This situation with my daughter and her legal problems has resurrected all the horrible codependent feelings that I went through with my XAH. I feel pushed into a corner and I hate it. I feel the rage creeping back in...as in, seriously, another alcoholic in my life? What??

@NerdlyBeauty - I don't think I am evolved enough to understand the information at that link LOL. Can you help me understand it? Thanks!
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Old 01-15-2015, 08:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Liberator4EVA View Post

The only way to stop an alcoholic having that opinion of you is to not only permit their drinking without judgement, but to actually get drunk alongside them and match their level of intoxication on an hourly basis. The conflict would then shift to when the two of you are both blackout drunk, when you'd just beat the crap out of each other and get arrested.
This describes my drinking life with my AH exactly. It went on for several years. Horrible way of existing.

Now I am quit four years and live and love Al-anon, he complains that I don't complain about his drinking!! He wants to have something to drink at.

I am getting so much from this thread. Thank you everyone.
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