WorriedInLove

I really didn't know where to go but I am just looking for some insight and perhaps some support with my current situation.

First I want to start by saying that I've never really known anybody with a substance abuse problem but I am beginning to suspect it in my relationship... I don't know if I am just being paranoid or if I am correct in thinking he may have a serious problem.

Also you must realize that I have never actually met this guy in person... but we have an online/long distance relationship and have been in contact for several months now. Before that it was never anything more than occasional texting/email back and forth so I didn't think much of it when we would go a couple days/weeks without talking.

In the last few weeks however we began skyping and I have really started to fall for him. I always kinda suspected he might have some type of substance or alcohol issue because he had a tendency to just "disappear" without saying anything... or else he would send messages that I couldn't quite understand. Again I didn't think much of it at the time because we were just casually messaging back and forth.

So it was somewhat of a surprise to me when we did begin skyping that he actually seemed completely normal. And I really fell for him and we began skyping daily... but that was short lived. Now hes started his disappearing act again and it's making me feel quite troubled.

The number one factor that causes me to see this as odd behavior is that we will be in the middle of a (text) conversation and he will suddenly stop responding without saying anything else. Then 6-8 hours would go by and he would finally come back and just say he fell asleep or whatever.

On Friday last week I became upset by this and just told him to please let me know if he's going to do that... otherwise I worry. Of course I understand he is a grown man and needs time to himself... but it's the manner in which he disappears it comes off as completely suspicious.

Keep in mind that I know it isn't other women. He's not married. He's not out with prostitutes. There are many things which he has said/done to prove this to me and I would prefer not to go into detail but I just want you guys to know I have already considered this and ruled it out.

Anyways he apologized for making me worry and made a comment along the lines of, do not use how often he talks to me as a measure of how much he cares about me. In other words, if I don't hear from him don't worry because he still loves me.

And yes he has told me he loves me. He's even told me that we should get married. He is from another country and on Monday we booked a one way flight for him to come up and visit. We were both ecstatic. I told him about some plans I made and he was beyond excited.

11am that same Monday morning came the disappearing act again. I did not hear from him again until Tuesday at 8am. He said he was sorry and that he had some weed that knocked him out, and he needed to get caught up on his sleep. My gut told me this was only partially true or just a flat out lie. But I did not want to nag him or start an argument so I just said OK. And then I asked him what he had on the go for the day.

Well now it's Wednesday night and I have still not heard from him since then. His status on skype and the other chat software we use has been away/idle so I know he hasn't been on his computer at all. His phone has been broken for a while according to him and I have tried calling it today for the first time ever but it goes straight to voicemail.

In December he disappeared for an entire week and said it was some type of computer problem. He also shaved his head and eyebrows (I believe during that same week) and I don't even remember what his reasoning for that was... he was embarrassed to show me on skype but I convinced him to and he looked like a cancer patient. But I don't judge... I just thought he did a silly thing kinda like when I shaved my eyebrows off in high school (lol). Men.

But really who in the right mind would shave their head and eyebrows? I can't help but think he has some type of substance abuse issue which he is trying to hide from me.

And I've smoked a lot of weed but it doesn't just knock you out for almost 24 hours... that to me sounds like cocaine or an extreme case of alcohol abuse.

So here I am... I can't sleep, I am worried. I am trying not to bombard him with instant messages so I've said very little. I did message him this morning to say that I missed him and was hurt that he wasn't getting in touch with me.

I just want him to know that I am not pissed off at him... if he has a problem he needs to tell me about it so we can work through it. I won't just abandon someone that I love, not without giving them a chance. Maybe that's just me but I have a big heart, and I had my heart broken twice last year and this guy finally came along and has helped me heal. But when he disappears it feels like my heart is breaking all over again.

And he's completely pursued me the whole time so it's not like I'm crazy and stalking this guy who wants nothing to do with me. He's made his intentions very clear.

So I'd like to know, based on what I've wrote, do you guys have any ideas what might be up with him? What kind of drugs would warrant that kind of behavior? Would alcohol alone cause a person to act like that, or do you think it's something much worse?

Also, would it be appropriate for me to call him out/question him? I feel like this early on I need to make a stand and get this on the table or it could become much worse later on. But then I don't want to push him away and make him mad at me either.

I'm just devastated because he says he loves me and is flying up to see me... He even renewed his ******** for this sole purpose.... Why would he do that and then just ditch out on talking to me for this long after skyping every day for two weeks. Without any explanation. Not even a "hey I need to take care of some personal business" or "I need time to myself" or "I have to go for a little while" ... just absolutely nothing. I'm sorry but I can't read minds.

Either he's completely rude and selfish, or he has a problem that he needs help with. Again I do not believe this to be other women/or wife because he has joked (but not joked) about marrying me so that one of us can move to the others country.

Thank you for reading and thank you in advance for your response. I'm just worried sick and don't know where else to turn.

jjj111

FWIW, my reaction is that you can't possibly know what's going on with this guy. You've never met him and he lives in another country. Who knows what he does and how he acts on a day to day basis. I know how easy it is to get swept up in online romance. I got swept away a couple times when I first tried online dating, getting attached to people before I'd met them in person. But I discovered it was a big mistake. There is no substitute, in my experience, for spending time with someone in real life. Online you will only see what the other person wants you to see. But it sounds like your gut is telling you that there's something fishy going on, even if you can't know what. I just hope you won't send him any money.

ubntubnt

He is NOT being honest with you....I can tell you that with almost 100% certainty.

If he had a substance abuse problem then there would most likely be an emotional roller coaster and lots incomprehensible messages and texts and you would see it in the skype calls. Especially if it is alcohol. He would not just disappear all day from 11am. Saying weed knocked him out for the day?? Please. Thats BS and you know it. Also, you do know that its possible to set your status on Skype to offline and yes stay online and logged in? He could easily have multiple accounts. I have three and frequently change my status depending on who I want to see me online.

I know plenty of guys who have had years long online relationships and affairs with women, promising to marry them , buying gifts, talking to them every day......they have multiple online accounts, two phones or one phone with multiple sims, and they are masters at playing this game.

Don't be so sure that you are not being played. I really hope that this is not the case for you but you need to look at the reality and assess the risks and make informed decisions.

If you have his identity do you know where he works? Have you ever reached him by calling through the office switchboard? DO you know his online profile, has he friended you and have you connected with his friends or does he keep you and the rest of his life separate? Have you spoken to any other member of him family or one of his friends on occasion? Can you visit him in his home country and learn a little about his life?

ladyscribbler

Sounds like a lot of drama with someone who you've never actually met. Does the reason why really matter?
I'm seeing lots of red flags here. You've never met f2f but he loves you? Really? Not saying you aren't lovable, but that seems premature. And the amount of anxiety and walking on eggshells you're doing in this early stage does not bode well for your future with this man.
Maybe slow this WAAAY down and ask yourself why you feel such an urgent need to be in this relationship and to make sure everything is perfect for this really questionable guy who you've never actually met.

Twofish

Dear WIL,
Welcome to SR! You are safe here.
Just wanted to add, guard you heart. On line
romances can work and also can break your
heart. I have no comment on if he is using
drugs or not, but he does do some odd messaging.
Trust your "gut" feeling...
Take care
TF

FeelingGreat

Hi WIL, something's going on, it could be alcohol, or drugs, or another life, but whatever it is, it's more important than you.
Please, no matter how compassionate you think you are, don't take this guy on as a project. You won't be able to change him. Chalk it down to experience and take the heartache, and save yourself from worse.

cynical one

There are way too many to count. But, shaving the head and eyebrows could be to avoid a hair follicle drug test, bugs, cult, terrorist group, stupid bet, who knows? Does he still have hair on his arms, legs, armpits, facial hair...other areas? Also, wondering who paid for the one way ticket? And, there is no way that I would go to his country to visit him at this point. Have you seen the movie "Taken"?

KariSue

As a mom, this scares the beejeebee's out of me. I would tell my daughter to completely cut ties with him and don't look back. Always trust your gut. If you came here because your gut says he is on drugs then you know there is at least 'some' problem. I wouldn't stick around to see what it is.

Kari

incitingsilence

If you had been listening to your best friend tell you what you just wrote...

What would you advise?
Would you see the red flags?
Would you be worried for her?
Would you tell her to run?

whatamidoingnow

Welcome. You have come to the right place this group is really nice and always there when you need a ear! Of course without you seeing him on a daily basis you really don't know what is going on. I thought I would write because my xabf does the same thing when he drinks. He will not answer his texts to anyone. He lives a few doors down so when I know he is drinking I go check on him. He won't even answer his 12 year old daughter. I usually answer her pretending it's her dad because a 12 year old doesn't understand the full effects of an alcoholic unless she were to live with him 24/7 which she isn't because she lives 2 hours away. Anyway I could totally believe he was drinking during those times.

Kimmilynn

I say the following from a loving place:

My gut reaction says this guy is a manipulator, regardless of everything else. Maybe he has a drug, alcohol, gambling, family, foot fetish problem; maybe he doesn't. Either way he knows it doesn't matter how long he leaves you waiting, you'll be there for him when he responds.

My opinion, (and my boyfriend and I met online, 2 yrs later we own a home together) is that you need to love yourself more than you love him. If he was all in, he wouldn't leave you hanging, questioning, worrying. When a good man is into you, especially in the early stages, you'll never question it.

In other words: GIRL!

AnvilheadII

what is it about YOU that having such a "relationship" with someone you have never met in REAL life and have only had contact with for a number of MONTHS, that you tell yourself you are IN LOVE with him and that this is somehow going somewhere.

as it is, he's thrown up enough red flags that you should pay attention and stop further interactions with him. he is not safe. he's pulling some weird stunts and he is likely dangerous.

atalose

Lots and lots of red flags!!! Your instincts are telling you something isn’t right with this guy and you are reaching for reasons (substance abuse, alcohol) rather than see him and this entire situation for what it really is.

You seem to fall in love rather quickly and impulsively, maybe some counseling to help you understand why you allow yourself to do that.

pinkpeony

I wouldn't rule out mental illness either.
If I were you, I wouldn't be wasting one more single second on
this person. I'd run and never look back.
I don't see any good coming from anything you've written.