freetosmile

I'm losing it tonight- had a meltdown.

AH was informed that insurance is cutting him off a few days early. So I will miss family day. Not really a big deal, and plus I won't miss as much school or rent a hotel room. So it's not a biggie. I'm upset because he was all pissy on the phone because he was "concerned about us". Which translates to: I've been thinking of all the "horrible" things you've done to me all day and I'm mad about it". His "concerns" are always so self-centered. He's never "concerned" about my feelings or "us". Just him. It's so effing passive aggressive.

Then I had to take our eldest, 14, (his bio) to her first counseling session tonight. I had to sit and tell her T (who also sees AH and me) about all the abuse and neglect that this poor girl has suffered from AH and his drinking (from before I met him) and from her bio mother, which led to bio mothers parental rights being yanked. I had to explain how all this has led this girl to have intense anger that is being taken out on everyone else in the family. I had to explain and carry the load for all this sh!t that had NOTHING to do with me.

Then I get home and my second oldest daughter, 12 (my bio) is FURIOUS because I "care about J (eldest daughter) more than anyone and how I don't care about her" and all that jazz.
I just burst into tears and told her I was trying as hard as I can to meet everyones needs and that having 5 children makes it hard to reach everyone all the time. I told her if she needs to talk then I need for her to tell me because I can't read her mind.

I'm tired. Really exhausted.

Then as I'm writing this, my sister calls, wasted out of her mind. Telling me about how how she talked to AH's brother (who is a horrible person) and how I'm the one who told AH's family about him being in treatment, yada yada. Blame blame blame!!!

I don't ******* care!!!!!!! I just want to run away. Run from everyone!!!! I just have nothing left to give. Do you think ANYONE has even BOTHERED to ask me how school started off for me? Do you think ANYONE has even bothered to see how I've been? Hell no!

Being a mother does not make me an all knowing God, being a wife does NOT mean that I'm perfect. Being a sister does not mean that blood is thicker than water. I can honestly say...and I mean this with EVERY FIBER IN MY SOUL that I don't have anyone in my life that really truly cares. I'm not having a pity party, it's just true. It really is.

And the responses from sister and AH about my upcoming hysterectomy have been just soooooo ******* supportive.

I want out. I want out. I want out. Dear God, if I died today I wouldn't give a sh!t. I just wouldn't.

FlippedRHalo

I'm a confused mess tonight and emotionally exhausted, but I couldn't turn the computer off without replying to you.

You may not have people in your physical life that care, but you certainly have people here that do, including me. And as much as they can drive you crazy and suck the very life force out of you at times, I know those beautiful children you're a mom to love and care for you as well. Kids just have a really skewed way of showing it sometimes.

I'm so sorry for everything that you're going through. I can imagine how it feels like the weight of the whole entire world is sitting squarely on your shoulders right now.

You've been doing so good the past few days. Sometimes I don't have the mental energy to add anything and other times I feel like I'm nowhere near experienced enough in all this to give an intelligent reply, but I read all of your posts and I'm here clapping for you! I think you just got walloped from every direction tonight and I also bet you're physically and emotionally exhausted dealing with a pending surgery, hubby coming home early, kids having issues, etc...

Breathe. You're a mom, you're not a magician. You can only do what you can do and you're trying your hardest to do all you can. You have to cut yourself some slack and give yourself a break. Try to relax (easier said than done, I know!) and get a good nights rest if at all possible. When I'm beyond exhausted, everything seems completely impossible to work though or figure out. Things always seem a little clearer after I get some rest.

Please don't think nobody cares - we may not be there with you IRL, but many of us care. We're a team over here, after all!

Hugs Free!

DanCO

freetosmile,

I'm very sorry for the stress and brutal frustration you're going through. I understand the unnecessary pressures and drama associated with a family unwilling to help, unaware of the pain, and experts at manipulation and guilt

Neither you nor your children deserve the BS your AH and dramatic sister have decided to push on you. I would hope that your AH could cool down and, as a MAN and an ADULT, decide, for himself, to continue treatment in an appropriate manner with AA or counseling

My thoughts and support are with you during this difficult time. Stay strong as a mother and mentor, your children are your world, don't let the chaos of AH and his decisions affect yours and your children's happiness any more

Katchie

Sending you my love, prayers, & hugs!!! I'm so sorry. The kids don't the appreciate you now, but this is normal and wont always be this way. They will have "aha" moments when they have their own families and remember all you've done and how you've been there for them.
sometimes my 4 need a little Individual time too because of their dad. Here is something I've done that's been a huge help stomping out anger with my son's -- I take them individually to eat at least once a month. This way they can have some one-on-one time with me and share whatever is on their heart uninterupted. Just a thought.

You're an amazing mom! Big hugs!

NWGRITS

I care about you and your children. A lot. You're on my mind quite often. I know I can't be there for real hugs, but I would give them to you if I could.

I also do what katchie does and try to have one-on-one time with my kids. The divorce was easy, but the distance is getting to my son really bad lately (3,000 miles away). The hurt in their voices is a killer, though. It goes right into your soul. Stay strong and lean on us for support. You've got this!

Redheadsusie

Sending you love and support and strength - take a deep breath - I know it sounds corny but a wise friend of mine told me to repear positive affirmations I do it in the bathroom or in my car and I just repeat to myself what I need to hear I usually say I am healthy I am loved I am strong which is what I need to hear. just know plenty of people here are thinking of you . you are not alone! Hugs

knowthetriggers

Yep...this pretty much sums it up for me as well. Hope you had a good night's rest. Stay strong and take care of yourself and your family!

LexieCat

Hugs from me, too.

Free, you've come a long, long way in this short period of time. Kids always pull that kind of crap--"You treat him/her better than me--you don't LOOOVVE me"--and I'm sure with all these kids have been through, it's all amplified.

Your sister you can ignore for now. You don't have to listen when someone calls you, wasted, and starts spewing crap. You can say, "I'll talk to you when you're sober. Goodbye."

I think you have a HUGE contingent of people here at SR rooting for you ever step of the way. We all care about you, and we are REAL PEOPLE. We like your spunk, your courage, your incredible sense of humor in the face of some pretty daunting challenges. Your kids love you, too, even though they aren't capable yet of putting someone else's feelings above their own.

I'm sorry this change in schedule has thrown a monkey wrench into your plans. Keep breathing--one thing at a time. Have a safety plan in mind in the event things go seriously south.

So tell us about school, so far. How do your classes seem?

Refiner

I echo the others and truly do care about you, too. You are SO strong and have come such a long way and are resilient whether you know that right now or not! Kids especially at their ages are a hormonal mess and usually "Mom" gets the brunt of it -- and for that, I'm sorry you're in this stage of life. I hope and pray he goes to a sober house and isn't coming straight home. Stay strong...

freetosmile

I should have added- no one cares about me besides SR.
Why does it always seem like people all come at you at once. It was just one after the other yesterday.

And this morning, my 12 year old seems fine, so maybe she was just having a bad day too yesterday.

I really thought about this last night. The bad thing about my sister is that she goes from being a great friend to toxic and switches back and forth between the two at any given time. I just don't know it I want to take that risk anymore. She caused a lot more problems last night because she was drunk and gossiping. She opened a pretty good size can of worms. I'll handle it later though, I guess.

Classes are going to tough this year. This math is going to kick my ass. There is computer AND written homework EVERY day. Gag. Pathophysiology is really tough, but I took the first half of the class in the fall, so at least I know what to expect. And anatomy and physiology is going to be interesting this year. We are dissecting a sheep heart and eye ball. So that should be interesting.

I do feel better this morning. I mean, I slept like crap last night, but emotionally I feel rested.

Thanks guys! You always know what to say to make me feel better.

dandylion

Freetosmile....Refiner just put into words what I have been thinking, also.
I hope you can see that I am right here with the others in rooting for you!!!!!

I am concerned about him coming straight home--rather than a sober living situation. I think that you need a few months to catch your breath, at least.
I can tell you that it is one hell of a lot easier to make these arrangements (establish your boundaries) NOW than when he gets his foot back into the door.

Perhaps you could communicate your feelings about this to his case worker at the rehab? Even if they won't divulge information to you---there is no law against you telling them whatever you want to. They , as standard procedure, have to do some kind of after-care planning before his release. Now is the time, if ever, for you to make your feelings/needs known.

Hon, I just hate to be the negative Nellie, here. But, I think this is just reality.

In any case---I advise you to have your plan B locked and loaded--in case things go "seriously south" as LexieCat put it....

dandylion

Katchie

I'm glad your 12 yr old is better today. Amazing, isn't it? Love up on them, they're not always going to be home -- they will grow up and be on their own someday! I have to remind myself of this when I feel I could pull every precious hair from their precious heads. ;-)

Lexi has a great idea for you when your sister calls you drunk as a skunk. Maybe give it a try so you can have that extra bit of peace? I know you love her..she's your sis after all, but that doesn't give her the right to be ugly with you, but gives you the perfect right to follow Lexi's advice.

Oh my goodness girl...your CLASSES! WOW! I'm impressed! Maybe I've missed where you said what degree you are going for, but what is it? Nursing? I admire you. I know you don't feel like superwoman but from my angle you're looking like her!

Sneak a nap in today and catch up on your rest....big hugs ;-)

My edit: I agree with Refiner and Lexi in regards to your AH coming home. Look out for yourself and take care now.

LexieCat

Actually, it was the way I put it, but that's OK.

I think a sober living house sounds like a GREAT solution--hope you can look into that. You DON'T need all the drama with everything else you have on your plate.

BTW, can you find a classmate to help you with some of the math stuff? Sometimes it's good to build relationships around YOUR interests and concerns instead of only people who are dealing with the alcoholism part of your life.

dandylion

OOOps, Lexie.....my bad! I was able to change it, though.

I think we are all so concerned for helping FTS to get the playing field leveled out....

dandylion

Fandy

FTS, from reading what you post about your conversations with him, it doesn't sound like he has focused much on himself and HIS recovery in the past 3 weeks...he is still accusing and blaming you for many things that have zero to do with his alcoholism. It seems from reading your postings that he is mighty concerned about controlling every aspect of YOUR life, and we hear little about what strides he is taking to assure that he becomes a good husband and maintains sobriety.

Do you want him to come home?

Hawkeye13

I wouldn't have put it past him to have chosen to leave early to keep you out the family day and to get back to his controlling that much sooner.

Maybe the therapists told him something he didn't like about your rights / roles in the family?

I'm sorry you are hurting but I agree with others about your Plan B.
Not dealing with him or his kids may be the thing you need to do next if he won't back off and give you space and respect.

Hugs free. I wish I could be there and take you out for lunch and a long walk.

NerdlyBeauty

Jeez...it seems we are all in the same boat this week! I think we should build an ark and find our own island of peace and serenity. That's all I can add, because everyone echoes what I would say <3

hopeful4

Free, honey breathe.

You have an overwhelmingly busy life without all the issues of your AH and all the stress he brings to the table. It's not even one day at a time, it's one moment at a time.

Tight hugs my dear friend. We are here with you. We all definitely care. We know your heart and your struggles.

You can do this. XXX

FireSprite

I'm concerned for you too Free - I very much echo everything Fandy said.

I hope you have Plan B somewhat ready to launch, he's not given you any indication that the verbal & emotional abuse will stop.

A thought for you about this:
That nasty side she has is as much who she really is as her "friend" side. She IS toxic. She IS an addict & not any better or worse than your AH from the way it sounds. It may be different types of abuse/damage, but it's there. I am hoping that your Plan B doesn't rely on her too much?

(((((HUGS))))) SO glad you feel better today!

freetosmile

They do have a math center here that has free tutoring, so I'm going to take full advantage of that.
to be quite honest about AH, no I'm not ready for him to come home. I agree with you fancy, he hasn't done too much self-help. I agree with all of you about it going south and FAST. My plan B is to just ask him to leave. Plain and simple. I am still certain that divorce is on the horizon and I don't have the energy to play games about it.
for some reason my plan B doesn't sound very solid, now that I'm looking at it. I need to be really set in my resolve and right now I'm just riding the fence. I don't like that at all. I only have one class today, so I will go home and do some therapeutic cleaning and pray on this.
I had a dream AH relapsed last night. I also had a dream that I was pulling a bunch of cats out of a river! Ha! Then I went searching for more cats. I looked it up on the internet and it said dreaming about searching for cats means you are struggling for independence and seeking it. Interesting.

need to think about all this crap. And plus I'm hemorrhaging to death, so I feel like dirt! Ugh