whatamidoingnow

So I joined here a few days ago because I was trying to understand my abf. well now he has called it off for good. I saw some posts on Craigslist that I know are him looking for someone else. I flipped out and although I didn't accuse him of them being from him, I texted him and said that I could tell by his not talking to me for a few days that it must be over. I have stayed by his side for almost 2 years now. I didn't know he was an alcoholic until after I fell in love with him. I never was around one before and didn't recognize the signs. Well now my world has been turned upside down. I have no energy and no motivation to do anything. I just wonder where I went wrong, even though I feel I gave 100% to our relationship and really stood by him through bad times and good. I just don't know what to do anymore, I am so sad and heartbroken. His son told me that I have stayed beside him more than anyone in his life ever did. I feel like I let him down in a way for not being the person he wanted. I am not an enabler, co-dependent or fellow drinker. I don't know where to turn and thought I could get some advice here from people who really care and knows what it is like to be an alcoholic.

SoberLeigh

Welcome, whatamidoingnow, to SR. I am sorry for what brings you here.

whatamidoingnow

I just can't take it anymore.

least

I know a break up is hard, but maybe look at it differently, like you dodged a bullet by his calling it quits. It's no picnic living with an alcoholic, I know, my kids will tell you that...

Take good care of yourself. I hope you can remember that when you're alone, at least you know you're in good company. And being alone is better than being treated badly.

Dee74

Hi whatamidoingnow

I don't feel qualified to speak on behalf of all alcoholics - but if my partner was looking through craigslist for a replacement for me, I'd get out and be glad of it - however much you love this guy you deserve better than that.

I wouldn't be guilty about anything - it's common to feel that maybe somehow we caused this, but the reality is you did not cause his alcoholism, or make his decision to advertise for a new gf.

All the love in the world cannot cure addiction if the addicted person has no desire to stop.

Have you thought about AlAnon or something like that for yourself at all?

D

Anna

I hope that you can find some peace in your life.

whatamidoingnow

I know you are right, we are not young (late 40's) so it should be easier for me to understand but it isn't easy for me to understand. It just makes no sense to me, maybe I was to dumb to realize it.

whatamidoingnow

I have gone to a few ala-non meetings, since we broke up do you think they still will be good for me to go?

suki44883

You are NOT dumb. There is no understanding addiction. It is illogical. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but with some distance and a little time, you will come to realize that he is toxic and you are much better off without him.

We have a wonderful Friends and Family forum that you might want to check out. A lot of people there are going through or have gone through the same things you are. Here's a link...

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information


Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here. (((HUGS)))

whatamidoingnow

Well he is coming over to get his laptop, I am not sure I can access this site on my phone but I am going to try otherwise, I will have to check every few days or so. Just another thing that feels like a punishment to me for caring about him.

Dee74

absolutely, yes

D

suki44883

There is an app for SoberRecovery for the Smart Phone. I don't have a smart phone, my phone is dumb, but someone may be able to help you with it. I know a lot of people post here using their phone.

whatamidoingnow

great thank you. The biggest problem is that he lives 5 doors down from me so I really need to move cause this is killing me.

HeartsAfire

I think that the mere fact that you found these posts on Craigslist (either by checking up on him, checking his phone or computer, etc.) is the answer you need regarding Al-Anon. I only say this because I used to do the same thing with my sex addict ex-husband. I learned thru COSA (the Al-Anon equivalent for partners of sex addicts) that I had major co-dependency issues that needed to be addressed. Snooping was how they manifested themselves (in addition to many other unhealthy behaviors). These groups are beneficial in keeping yourself on your side of the street. There is so much healing that can happen in those rooms.

I'm so sorry for the reasons that brought you here but thankful you've found us.

Good luck.

chloe719

I know it's cliche but so many times, life's truths are so often repeated, they become cliche but you need to put yourself first. You can't get happiness from someone else but you sure can get misery from them. Whether he lives 5 doors down or 5 towns away, your heart will still ache the same. Find something you love to do and focus on that. If you love animals, find a shelter where you can donate your time. Your energy will come back when you find something worth expending that energy on...

whatamidoingnow

Thanks everyone. I found posts last year he had done, lots of them, but he doesn't know it. I thought today I would look for more since I don't usually check up on him. I am not sure they are from him for sure or not but kinda coincidental at best so I just got to thinking they were from him, which they might be! I guess things happen for a reason. HIs excuse was he wanted time to work on himself. Doesn't sound like he is actually working on himself or his kids but just an excuse. I did find the app for my phone and have downloaded it. I think that all of you have a wealth of information that I could use to get over this situation in my life. Thank you all.

360shoes

Hi whatamigoingtodonow,
I just wanted you to know I have a broken heart too. You are not alone. And it didn't matter whether it was an alcoholic or not...it still hurt. I have had my heart broke by people with severe problems and by people who didn't have all that many. My last one was a pretty normal guy and I can't even say really anything bad about him. But still. It hurts like hell.

So I guess all I'm trying to say is our hearts hurt whenever we lose someone we care about. Our hearts hurt when we have a dream and it doesn't turn out to be what we wanted or needed it to be. But remember this please. Your heart hurts because you have a deep capacity to love. You. You brought that to the table. You now know that you have that. And you can take that capacity to love to bring it to yourself and to another person who has the same capacity and will bring it to you.

And no one can ever take that away from you.

I hope you find some peace. You will in time. Just take care of yourself. You deserve it.

We are going to be okay. (((Hug)))

whatamidoingnow

Thank you for the kind words they mean a lot. I just wish I could get to him somehow. I'm don't think I'm all that but I was really good to him. Supported him when he needed emotional support and didn't nag him about his drinking or anything else he did. I just need to find a way to pick up the pieces he has left me in.

VikingGF

Wecome to SR. This is a great place for you to find support and information during this difficult adjustment. The Friends and Family forum did wonders for me several years ago.

We can fix people who don't want to be fixed. It is so difficult to not take that as a failure, but that's the fact- standing by and getting beaten up in the process is not healthy for anyone. Even though it feels like that is the right thing to do, right?

I wish you all the best as you navigate this new direction in your life. With strength and some education about alcoholism, and some distance, hopefully you can soon pick up the pieces and move on to someone who is not a project, but a partner. This is not to say your BF can't change, but it sounds like right now, it may be more damaging to you to wait around for him.

Soberwolf

Nice to meet you Whatamidoingnow