Eauchiche

I had a nice conversation the other night with a fellow who might end up being my sponsor. We were talking about step 4, but in the context of us addressing resentments we have with our addicts. Up until then, I had not really thought about my own resentments.

Today, I found an obituary for a dear friend who died in November back in my hometown. This has all of a sudden served as a trigger to me, and the resentments with my alky mate are starting to come to the surface.

I realize that I have lost part of my life, and time with my late friend, because I have had to stay away from my mate. I also am angry that I no longer have a home to go to down there. I am angry that I cannot see my pets.

If you folks have been through that process, your input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

knowthetriggers

I live away from home as well. 10 years now. I moved to the east coast with my AH. I did not seek help when we moved here but the resentment kept building and building. It was his fault I live so far away from my family. I was so lost in my resentment I think I hated being around him.

When I finally realized I needed help I found this forum. Of course I know I moved here on my own will but I needed to learn to accept it and just move on. I read obituaries from my hometown daily, and I just found out that a Good friend of mine lost her husband, she was my sponsor back home. I have not seen her in 10 years..My heart sank as I remember everything we talked about and how much pain she must be in, etc. The resentment started to kick in again. I came home and read in my Alanon books about resentment, prayed the serenity prayer and lifted my pain to my HP. It was only then I could let it go.

I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I am not sure if sharing helps in any way, sorry for rambling on.

Try not to hold on to these feelings too long or they will eat you alive! Perhaps writing in a journal to get your frustration out...or a call to an Alanon friend.

Hugs to you and I hope you feel better soon!

Eauchiche

Thanks for sharing, Trigger!

FireSprite

Ugh. Resentments. Bumping for more input.....


This is one of my most challenging hurdles in recovery. I don't think I've dealt with all of mine, or dealt with them effectively when I have. And the damn things pop back up when I least expect it, triggered randomly.

I think I've dealt pretty well with any resentments relating to my AF but I struggle with my RAH because I'm still living in the aftermath of it day-to-day. With AF I can say that I recognize that I have damage, but that I'm not holding onto resentments because of it.

Example: one of my biggest resentments is still the financial devastation RAH created. So every time I can't afford something, it's easy to resurrect that resentment & give it new life. Ranting about it ~again~ gets me nowhere - my feelings & opinion have been stated more than once & they can't change the situation except that by raving on about it upsets both us & DD. (By ranting & raving I also mean passive-aggressive behaviors too, I am the Queen of Tone so my discomfort & unhappiness leak out even when I don't directly say something.)

I manage to let go each time an incident arises, but I haven't gotten to the point where it doesn't upset me in the first place & that's what tells me it's still an active resentment. I haven't let go of it completely or I wouldn't get so unbalanced when triggered, right?

hopeful4

I did the inventory at Celebrate Recovery, which is a lot like Alanon.

It did help me see my own anger and resentments. It was hard.

I have to be honest. I don't know what made my resentments go. It took a lot of therapy and CR I would say. And you wonderful folks here at SR.

However, I have let them go. I have truly realized they only hurt one person, that person is me. All the other people and things I had resentment for, they did not really care. I had to accept that.

I also think time contributed to it.

Tight hugs. It's all a process, but you can do it!

NYCDoglvr

I can't stand the feeling of resentment so whenever one pops up I ask myself: "what's my part in this?" In some cases it's a character defect (ego, pride, selfishness) in others, it's an action I've taken, like picking -- and staying with -- someone I shouldn't be with. It always works in diminishing the power of a resentment. I suggest calling your potential sponsor and/or getting to a meeting and talking about it.

Stung

Meditation has helped me a lot with my resentments and I have a lot of them towards both my NPD mom and my AH (and most of his FOO.)

In one of the alanon daily reader books today's reading was about how "Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorrow; it only saps today of its strength" and I think resentments work in a similar fashion. Being angry about the past doesn't make the past change but it sure can ruin and perfectly fine today. When I find myself ruminating on hurts or resentments I just ask myself what else I have going on in my brain to think about. What else is in my life that is CURRENTLY going on because thinking about stuff that has ALREADY happened isn't making me feel too good. Usually that and a few deep breaths get me out of that frame of mind. Meditating helps me to be more aware of my thoughts and how they're making me feel (resentments and the anxiety of how I *could* dysfunctionally deal with them really get my heart rate up.)

I hope that helps.

freetosmile

Resentments--Yikes!!

I actually never really felt like I had the "right" to be resentful, quite honestly. So me actually being able to recognize and *feel* my resentments has been really liberating for me.

I do recognize that I need to let them go, however. I think it is healthy to notice that they are surfacing. I've learned that we *should* allow ourselves to feel that pain, feel that anger, and feel that hurt. It's when we allow those feelings to consume us is where we run into problems.

I don't think I'll ever fully get over the resentment for my mother. But I'm not going to let it control my thoughts. When I feel the memories coming to the surface, I'm going to acknowledge them and then watch them float away and welcome the peace again. I haven't made a list of all my resentments yet. I think I'm going to hold off on that right now. I just need more time to get more positive about my life and get a good solid foundation.

IMO, don't shove your resentments back if they are coming in full force. I think you should allow yourself to be angry and hurt. But just know when to let it go too. I'm sure that's not the "correct" way to do it, but I think NOT acknowledging your feelings when they surface can be just as dangerous as hanging on to the resentment.

sending good vibes in your direction!!

Spalding

I definitely need to start recognizing and working on my resentments. Thanks for these posts, they're helpful in beginning to see how to frame the issue and work towards it.

Hangnbyathread

Resentments are like any emotion. And I say embrace your emotions. Each of them help add clarity to your direction in life going forward. You are allowed and have earned the right to feel resentment. Doesn't mean you have to dwell on it in your life, it just serves as a "marker" going forward as to what to avoid repeating.

I resent that my Ex chose Alcohol over me. So in my next relationship, it will NEVER be a factor in any relationship I have. If I even remotely think that someone has a drinking problem, I will exit stage left as quickly as possible. So I won't even start to feel resentment surfacing again with a new person in my life.

Eauchiche

Thanks to all you folks for VERY helpful input. I will re-read and contemplate all of it.
And, yes, you are right about resentments against others too, including my late addict father.
I also see that resentments can turn into an excuse to avoid moving forward. Case in point:

I have held a resentment against my late father for naysaying everything I told him I wanted to do with my life. I remember in High School, I bought a book about cheese making, and wanted to try it. He gave me every excuse why it wouldn't work. For years now, I have resented him for "preventing" me from doing what could have turned into a profitable and enjoyable business.

Last night I was watching "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives," and one of their destinations was a cheese factory way up in Northern California that is run by a retired schoolteacher. He started this craft later in life, and is going great guns now at an age when many are on the golf course or parked in front of the TV.

All of a sudden, the light turned on. I thought, "Hey, I can do this too!"

Whether or not I ultimately do will be MY choice. I realized that I don't have to let another person, living or dead, dictate my choices in life.

Thanks again so much! I appreciate all you guys.