Mylaststraw

If my husband is the drunkard of the family why do I have take time out of my day to help him get better? The family rehab program told us that family support is the number 1 thing that keeps the alcoholic sober. I hated attending it and was a bit frightened by the other patients. Is it normal to put heroin addict, coke heads and alcoholics together? Some of the other clients looked like harden criminals. My husband is not a criminal except for some driving issues. I feel like an idiot thinking that a 28 day rehab would change my husband. But he stayed sober for less than a week after graduating.

AnvilheadII

first off, you don't HAVE to do anything. you can CHOOSE to tho!

Alanon is not about how to help him get or stay sober. Alanon is a program for the friends and loved ones of alcoholics, so THEY can get some much needed support.

living with addiction takes a toll on us, warps our thinking, and can even result in physical illness.

I don't want to argue with what the rehab center told you, or what you heard, but as an addict myself, the NUMBER ONE thing to help ME stay sober is.............ME. nobody can do that for me. certainly a healing welcoming environment is nice....for anyone.

as it is, your husband CHOSE to relapse within days. that was not your fault. but you have to live with the chaos his (stupid) choices bring. and that is where a program like alanon can be like an oasis for you. a place where you are safe, and others GET what you are going thru. here's a link if you are interested. there are certainly other means to get support as well!!!

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting

SparkleKitty

Al-Anon is for YOU, not your husband. It is full of people who love addicts, many of whom are navigating the same issues you are navigating.

And you don't HAVE to do anything. Al-Anon is recommended to you because it has helped literally thousands of others navigate recovery from living with someone else's active addiction.

Mylaststraw

I will consider trying a meeting out, however, I don't think my husband would like the idea. He was very opposed to AA because he said it caused him cravings for alcohol.

GracieLou

And what is he afraid Al-anon will give you cravings for?

dandylion

Mylaststraw.....I remember this story: A woman was struck by a motorist. When the ambulance arrived they informed her that her leg was broken and that they would need to transport her to a hospital. She angrily replied...I didn't do this--why should I be the one to have to go the hospital? That guy did it--he should be the one who has to go!!!

Alanon is not a punishment or a place to get y our husband sober (AA is for that).
It is just to give you comfort and validation, and those things tht a person who is hurting needs from someone...somewhere....

dandylion

torquemax777

To me, it sounds like myla attended AA with the A; I don't think Alanon was what was meant. The post said, " why do they put alcoholics with heroin 'patients'."

I don't know, just sounds like the OP meant AA, not Alanon, but maybe I'm not reading it right?

hopeful4

When my X went to rehab there were many there with an H addiction. He felt as though his issue was hugely minimized b/c of that, they did not see it as a serious issue.

I also think there is WAY too much emphasis put on the family. I understand that family support is a great thing, however where does that leave us, the family. Feeling responsible for the wellbeing of the addict instead of our own selves and our children.

That is why I think that there should also be separate counseling for families that is not solely focused on the addict only.

Just my .02

Mylaststraw

hopeful, the rehab actually made me and my kids attend a 2 hour long addiction course. If we did not attend then we could not visit my husband. i felt it was wrong.

hopeful4

I am sure they wanted you to understand addiction and how it works. Again though, they are going to be the most concerned with him and his recovery.

I will say that Alanon is for YOU. Alanon is a great face to face support system of people who can relate. Definitely not the same as counseling at a rehab.

Some people don't care for things like Alanon, and that is ok. However, if you need and crave that support, that is a great place to get it.

One of the things that has helped me the most was counseling on my own with a therapist who specializes in helping families with addiction.

XXX

ladyscribbler

I feel you Mls. I spent a long time focusing on his drinking. As far as I was concerned it was THE PROBLEM in our relationship and if he would just get his act together and quit, then everything else would be fine.
Turns out that years of dealing with his alcoholic behavior had left me with a huge blind spot, which kept me from seeing my part in the whole mess. Yes, he did x, y and z when he was drinking, but I put up with x, y and z, and I was stone cold sober. What was my excuse?
Living daily in the chaos of active alcoholism has a profound effect on the family members who are impacted by that behavior. I was no exception. I had a high tolerance for unacceptable behavior because I grew up with one parent suffering from alcoholism and the other suffering from severe mental illness.
I began attending Alanon meetings in October 2013, and working the program for just a little over a year has changed my entire approach to life. I am much happier and more relaxed, I am a better mother and I am able to navigate difficult situations that would have once sent me into a tailspin of chaos, anger, obsession and depression with minimal impact to my overall wellbeing.
As other have said, the Alanon program is for ME, not for the alcoholics in my life. Part of my program is doing service work, which includes public outreach at the local rehab family day. I felt like a bit of a fraud at first, because none of the alcoholics in my life have ever sought sobriety. But I really wanted to let the family members know that despite that, the Alanon program has had a major positive impact in my life. Whatever your husband decides to do, whatever choices he makes regarding his sobriety, YOU can heal your life and make positive changes for yourself, which will help you in every area of your life.
Welcome to SR., and thanks so much for posting.

CodeJob

You sound angry Mylaststraw.

When my H did an IOP, I had no idea I was supposed to go to family Al Anon meetings. No one from the IOP ever called me. I was under the impression my H had had a nervous breakdown. He wasn't even drinking the day he freaked out and I drove him to the ER... I figured out my H's real problem was alcoholism AFTER he finished the program. Now my H didn't figure this out. He was in denial. He started back drinking way too soon and it took him 5 years to get in a BIG OLE MESS.

So you can blow off Al Anon, learning about addiction, coming up with a plan to deal with the situation or not. Your response is totally up to you. I'm all for burying your head in denial. It works until you are ready to go to town and change things up. I kicked my H out of the house the next time, so there are fun and useful ways to take out your anger and clear the house of drama.

No matter what you decide to do, chances are good one of us here has done it...

honeypig

I liked this article But I Don’t Want to Go to Al-Anon!, and maybe you'll find it helpful also.

Here are several threads here that you might want to check out too:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...t-al-anon.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ul-people.html

I can't echo strongly enough what others have said, that Alanon is all about YOU and NOT the A. However, it takes a while and a number of meetings to really get that--at least, it did for me, perhaps others are quicker learners!

Your anger, pain and resentment come thru loud and clear. I've been there; I understand. I still go there sometimes, more often than I'd like. But it's a whole lot LESS since finding SR and Alanon.

Wishing you strength and clarity, whatever path you eventually find.

allforcnm

First I want to say Im sorry your husband relapsed, but its actually quite common. 28 days in respect to the complexity of addiction is not enough time to solidify new coping mechanisms, and practice things he learned IMO. hopefully he had some CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) or such that he can continue to practice and then he will have to put it to use in real life situations. Practice might not make perfect but he will improve if he sticks with it.

My husbands rehab also stressed the importance of family support. I think this is because studies have shown people have higher recovery rates with strong family involvement. However, this does not mean that you need to go to alanon, or use any other specific program. In my case, I tried Alanon when my husband was in active addiction and it wasn’t helpful to me so I didn’t continue.

My husband eventually went to a Non 12 step Rehab, and I started working with an therapist. This was good for me because I was able to learn about addiction from a medical perspective/evidence based way & I had a qualified person to share my feelings with and help at working through my emotions. In addition to this, my therapist suggested I try looking at the CRAFT method.. Community Reinforcement and Family Training. It’s a method that has two goals.. 1. Is to help the family member cope better, focus on self care, encourages us to not neglect all the various parts of our life that bring us joy.. 2. Is to learn how to support our loved on in healthy ways.. it focuses on communication, the use of positive reinforcements (while allowing our loved one to also experience the natural negative consequences of using/behaviors). It helped strengthen our relationship because it guided me to stay “engaged” with him unless he was using or exhibiting negative behaviors, then I would temporarily “disengage”…

Also important is a network of supportive family and friends who will be there for you … My husband and I also did marriage counseling which is something I would highly recommend if your both willing. We started very early in his recovery and it really sped up our healing process.. One last thing is that we both became more active in our church and I spoke to our pastor several times; became involved in a ladies group and found added spiritual support through my own church group.

So you see there are many options for you, and ONLY YOU can decide what works best for you & your family.

If you are interested in learning more about the CRAFT approach, we have a book review going on here at SR… CRAFT can be learned on your own, or through qualified therapists, or through SMART recovery which offers both online support and face to face meetings.

Here are a couple of links for you:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-families.html

Home - The 20 Minute Guide

Whatever you choose to do.. know I am sending out good wishes to you, and also your husband.

theuncertainty

I don't know if it's common. Honestly, I don't really think it matters what the drug of choice is. Addiction is addiction. But that is exactly the stance that AXH and his GF at the time took about his attendance at rehab and later his non-attendance of the aftercare program.

They both said as much at our divorce hearing: He attended rehab at his own choice. He wasn't court ordered to go. Every one else there was there because they were forced to go because of criminal problems or violence or dui's, and that's not him. He didn't want to be grouped with those kinds of people.

To paraphrase the part of my attorney's closing where she addressed those statements: What Mr. TU doesn't understand is that just as alcohol has made him lose things that were important to him, alcohol has destroyed their lives. "Those people" are there because of how alcohol and drugs affected their lives, just as it has affected his life.

AXH has not yet had any criminal problems. He has not yet had a DUI. He has not yet endangered the lives of others by driving under influence. However, he has been violent and abusive. He wrecked his bicycle while biking under the influence and hurt himself. He lost his family. And because he will not truly admit he has a problem, and continues to drink, he has not stopped using for long enough to see our son in almost 3 years. Alcohol has most definitely affected his life and the lives of those that loved him.

IMO, I think that AXH's belief that he was better than "those people" was one of the roadblocks to him successfully starting towards recovery. It was one of the beliefs that helped him relapse shortly after returning from rehab. And I don't think he will ever be able to honestly seek recovery until he gets past that belief.

While I was still with him, AXH would have been furious to know that I attended AlAnon. Because that would mean he had a problem. The books I picked up about alcoholism and AlAnon were tossed whenever he found them. However, AlAnon gave me a place to go where others completely understood the problems that I was dealing with. ETA: It also gave me tools to help me live my own life and not focus on AXH's drinking all the time.

Kboys

I love Al-Anon. Going to Al-Anon and joining this site have been SOOO helpful to me. I wish I would have done it a long time ago. I still have a long way to go, but I'm starting to feel slightly more sane than I was six months ago.

Different sources of support work for different people, obviously.

But I am grateful every day for Al-Anon, so I say at least go to one meeting if you can.

dandylion

Mylaststraw....Not yet.....but, a ways down the line you will come to realize that addiction is no respecter of race, gender or socioeconomic status. It cuts across all lines.
While people may be different...the disease is remarkably consistent and predictable.
While situations may differ... underlying human emotions feel the same.

dandylion

knowthetriggers

Al-Anon saved my sanity. At first I hated the fact that I had to get help but now I wouldn't change a thing!

Good luck to you and your family!

Mylaststraw

I was raised in family where we kept secrets. My husbands drinking got to the point though that everyone knew. Heck, the neighbor kid who collected aluminum cans would stop by every week. There would literally be hundreds of empty 12oz cans of beer. The amounts he drinks is mind blowing. The last few days he's gone through two 12 packs of beer. God knows, how much he drinks at the bar. I think his next dwi will be a felony and mandatory prison sentence. I'm just hoping he paces himself at the bar.

ladyscribbler

Yeah, me too. Secrets were the key to a happy life the way I was raised. But secrets keep us sick. Just as sick as the alcoholic.
Sounds like he is blowing through a lot of money with his addiction. My ex used to spend about a quarter to a third of our monthly income on drinking/binges/benders/legal fees.
I lived on hope. I breathed hope. I ate hope for every meal. And it slowly killed me. I suffocated. I starved. Hope is not a solution to what you are going through right now.
What are you doing besides hoping he stays sober this time? Do you have a plan?