How to get past the hurt
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: CA
Posts: 13
How to get past the hurt
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 1/2 years now. We have broken up and gotten back together so many times I have lost count. Usually this happens when he is drunk. Then when he sobers up, realizes his mistake, apologizes and I take him back. Well, I have gotten to the point where all the mean and hurtful things he has said to me are really starting to affect me and our relationship. I don't know how to move past the hurt and see him for the person he is underneath all the drinking.
Because of financial reasons, we are still living together even though we are in separate rooms, kind of taking a break from the relationship to see if we can fix it. But it is hard. Not sure it is fixable. Not sure I can get past all the hurt.
Is it time to just move on? Or should I stick it out since he is trying to get help?
Because of financial reasons, we are still living together even though we are in separate rooms, kind of taking a break from the relationship to see if we can fix it. But it is hard. Not sure it is fixable. Not sure I can get past all the hurt.
Is it time to just move on? Or should I stick it out since he is trying to get help?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Hi dmcyl... I can definitely relate to that. I'm sorry you're going through this.
My AH is extremely verbally and emotionally abusive when he's drinking. He is not drinking now, and hasn't been for three months, so things are better for now, but the pain that I feel has not gone away. In fact, I feel like it is getting worse, as I have more of a chance to process it now that things are calm. AH apologizes, but it really doesn't do much to heal the hurt.
My therapist is going to start EMDR with me, maybe that will help, I don't know.
So, I can't really answer your question of whether or not you should move on. It depends on whether you feel like things have a potential of getting better. Does he want to stop drinking? Will he go to AA? If not, and his drinking continues, I would say, yes, get out as soon as you can. His drinking and his abusive behaviors will only get worse. I know it's a lot easier said than done, believe me.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
(((HUGS)))
My AH is extremely verbally and emotionally abusive when he's drinking. He is not drinking now, and hasn't been for three months, so things are better for now, but the pain that I feel has not gone away. In fact, I feel like it is getting worse, as I have more of a chance to process it now that things are calm. AH apologizes, but it really doesn't do much to heal the hurt.
My therapist is going to start EMDR with me, maybe that will help, I don't know.
So, I can't really answer your question of whether or not you should move on. It depends on whether you feel like things have a potential of getting better. Does he want to stop drinking? Will he go to AA? If not, and his drinking continues, I would say, yes, get out as soon as you can. His drinking and his abusive behaviors will only get worse. I know it's a lot easier said than done, believe me.
Good luck, and take care of yourself.
(((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
a good rule of thumb for relationships is to make the SECOND break up the LAST one. if you can't keep count, that means that the Come Here, Go Away dynamic is now the baseline for your relationship. and if he's mean and abusive, then suddenly contrite, that can be found on the Cycle of Abuse wheel.......
so yes, do move on. you've done your time. no more hurts.
so yes, do move on. you've done your time. no more hurts.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
No one can tell you what to do. Only you know what you can deal with and how much more you can handle.
If you want to move on, then move on. You have the blessing of not being married and all the headaches that go with that.
Whatever you do, put yourself first. It has taken me YEARS to wake the heck up and get to the point that I feel worthy to care for myself.
If you want to move on, then move on. You have the blessing of not being married and all the headaches that go with that.
Whatever you do, put yourself first. It has taken me YEARS to wake the heck up and get to the point that I feel worthy to care for myself.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I won't tell you what to do, it is your life, but I can tell you that staying with him will not get him sober and breaking up with him will not get him sober.
He has to want to be sober and if he has not done it by now, nothing you do or say will make any difference in that process.
The only thing it does do is prolong your pain.
IMO, it is time to move on but you are the one that has to be ready for that. In the mean time read more posts, get educated on alcoholism and keep reaching out for help and advice.
We are here for you, whatever you decide to do
He has to want to be sober and if he has not done it by now, nothing you do or say will make any difference in that process.
The only thing it does do is prolong your pain.
IMO, it is time to move on but you are the one that has to be ready for that. In the mean time read more posts, get educated on alcoholism and keep reaching out for help and advice.
We are here for you, whatever you decide to do
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Things started to change for me when I began to accept that what I see is what I get. There is no person underneath - there is the person you have right now today and that person is mean and hurtful. 
Why would you stick around for that? You shouldn't IMO.
Why would you stick around for that? You shouldn't IMO.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I think you should ask yourself what you would say if this were a close friend asking you what she should do.
There is a point that it cannot continue on without change. Unfortunately, people don't change very easily.
Hugs.
There is a point that it cannot continue on without change. Unfortunately, people don't change very easily.
Hugs.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 224
I agree with the latter clad- only you will know what to do. I know it isn't easy to be objective or to get to a place where you can really wrap your head around that type of question when you are living in the same house with him. Believe me, I know. If there is a way that you could get away for a few days- get some distance, you might find that a little peace of mind will come and help clear up some of the confusion. I wish you all the best of luck.
For me, I am just a few weeks away from moving away from my ex. We broke up six months ago, and we live right next to each other. I have been looking for a place for several months...and although it is a tough neighborhood to find something affordable and right for me, I can't say that I didn't draw out the process, because of some underlining hope that things would change and he would come back. However, after six months of putting myself through my own living hell, I realized something.
One day I was crying, thinking about what he was doing or not doing or whatever the heck, and I realized that HE wasn't doing anything to me. I was doing it to myself. He and I aren't even interacting, so all the continued pain I was causing myself was completely internal. Once I had that revelation, it only took me a week or two to find a place and sign a new lease.
Only you know what you need to do. And when you are ready to figure it out, you will find a place and space to be able to really make that decision. I wish you all the best.
For me, I am just a few weeks away from moving away from my ex. We broke up six months ago, and we live right next to each other. I have been looking for a place for several months...and although it is a tough neighborhood to find something affordable and right for me, I can't say that I didn't draw out the process, because of some underlining hope that things would change and he would come back. However, after six months of putting myself through my own living hell, I realized something.
One day I was crying, thinking about what he was doing or not doing or whatever the heck, and I realized that HE wasn't doing anything to me. I was doing it to myself. He and I aren't even interacting, so all the continued pain I was causing myself was completely internal. Once I had that revelation, it only took me a week or two to find a place and sign a new lease.
Only you know what you need to do. And when you are ready to figure it out, you will find a place and space to be able to really make that decision. I wish you all the best.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
Life is short, we don't get any do overs. If you close your eyes and envision your best life....is this it? Get hurt, break up, get back together. Lather..rinse..repeat. Even if he decides to get help, that does not obligate you to "stick it out". No one should have to "stick it out" in a relationship. It is not selfish to do what is best for YOU. He has a looooong road ahead of him.
My best advice is wish him well and move on. (((HUGS)))
My best advice is wish him well and move on. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 419
I just happened upon this thread or whatever you call it, but I must say, a couple of things that you guys have said really spoke to me. I think of it in terms of my adult son. You say that there is no one underneath who you see, that who you see is what you have, or however you put it. I am not sure if that is always the case, but there certainly is a case to be made for it. I keep hoping and believing that there is this decent guy underneath the guy I see now, but, all I ever see is him and who he is now. And there is some closure for me in it. Some release. Stop fantasizing about who you wish someone was. They are who they are, and for the very most part you can rest assured that that is who they are going to continue to be.
Another one of you mentioned abuse as a cycle -- the cycle of abuse. Come closer, get away, come closer, get away - - - forever. These are things that have proven themselves out so often, and there are so few exceptions to these rules. It gives me some peace and some closure to think of things this way, and to stop beating my head against a wall about it.
So dmcy, you can add my voice to the others. What you are getting, in all likelihood, is what you will continue to get, and you know, you know, you know, that is not what you want.
Another one of you mentioned abuse as a cycle -- the cycle of abuse. Come closer, get away, come closer, get away - - - forever. These are things that have proven themselves out so often, and there are so few exceptions to these rules. It gives me some peace and some closure to think of things this way, and to stop beating my head against a wall about it.
So dmcy, you can add my voice to the others. What you are getting, in all likelihood, is what you will continue to get, and you know, you know, you know, that is not what you want.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: CA
Posts: 13
Thanks everyone for all the great advice. I really do take it all in. I know what I need to do, I know what is right for me. But somehow, I feel guilty if I leave, if we break up, like I am the one hurting him, even though he has hurt me so many times in the past.
How do I deal with the guilt?
How do I deal with the guilt?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Originally Posted by dmcyl24 
Thanks everyone for all the great advice. I really do take it all in. I know what I need to do, I know what is right for me. But somehow, I feel guilty if I leave, if we break up, like I am the one hurting him, even though he has hurt me so many times in the past.
How do I deal with the guilt?
How do I deal with the guilt?
And keep posting here.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
I have often thought that the English language is weak in that it applies the word guilt to two separate but different things.
One is the guilt which is established in a court or another environment where someone is shown to have been responsible for a crime or wrong action.
The other is describes an emotion connected to a sense that one has done something wrong, or hasn't done the best thing.
As you can see, the connection between these two concepts is quite loose. You can be guilty of a crime but feel no guilt. Or you can feel guilty when you haven't done anything wrong.
Your question here is: How do I deal with the guilt?
My question to you, is what are you actually guilty of? If you can't answer that yourself because feelings get in the way, you could try telling us what choices you face and what decision you're inclined to take.
One is the guilt which is established in a court or another environment where someone is shown to have been responsible for a crime or wrong action.
The other is describes an emotion connected to a sense that one has done something wrong, or hasn't done the best thing.
As you can see, the connection between these two concepts is quite loose. You can be guilty of a crime but feel no guilt. Or you can feel guilty when you haven't done anything wrong.
Your question here is: How do I deal with the guilt?
My question to you, is what are you actually guilty of? If you can't answer that yourself because feelings get in the way, you could try telling us what choices you face and what decision you're inclined to take.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 21
It sounds like you know this is not a healthy situation. Try an Al-Anon meeting. Also - keep in mind, while you not may be an addict yourself, it is possible to get "addicted" to a toxic relationship. Maybe step back and ask yourself some tough questions about why you are keeping this person in your life. Sometimes we grow up with unhealthy relationships and it's what we are used to, or maybe low self-esteem makes us think it's what we deserve, or we think we can fix people. Anyway, being on this board is a great first step. Hugs to you.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 21
I also want to recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a MAJOR eye-opener for me. You mentioned guilt -- I totally understand that, bc I used to think that I was in some way responsible for the addicts in my life, as well. The book, along with Al-Anon, helped me a lot.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
I know it is more complicated than this, but I have to admit that I am always amazed at the people who aren't married, related to nor have children with non-recovering alcoholics/addicts, and still hem/haw over whether to keep these addicts in their lives. My mother is an alcoholic and I wish I could cut her out of my life to save my sanity, but I would lose my relationship with my father, other extended family members, and I realize that she is the only mother I will ever have. Honestly, though, the pain and havoc she has caused in my life is among the worst I have ever felt and I pray often for relief from it. You have a choice now. It will be hard to bear at first, but I can't imagine that you will regret it in the long run.
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