Randola

New to this site...been lurking a couple of days.

Roughly 30 years ago I made my first pass, of what was to become many, through drug/alcohol rehab. Although at many times during those years I didn't function, hence another 'vacation', I have for the most part become what I would call a functional alcoholic/addict. A goodly part of the reason for remaining 'functional' has been having some really 1st class enablers and the rest was sheer dumb luck. I have a hard time believing that any god would allow anyone to trample across peoples lives the way I have and let them get away with it for 30 years. Gotta be dumb luck.

I've heard it said that the end result for alcoholics/addicts is either jails, institutions or death. I am beginning to fathom a fourth possibility. Surviving to a (relatively) old age, but being all alone, miserable and praying for a death that won't come because I'm too narcissistic to kill myself.

The last five years I've bounced in and out of my local AA group, therapy, detox centers and whatnot, although I am still employed and my wife of 23 years hasn't left...yet. I've employed a combination of pharmaceuticals (primarily narcotics) and alcohol to keep myself as numb as possible, but it's really not working very well anymore.

On the bright side, I haven't had a drink in three days and only two pain pills in the last 48 hours, and I've gotten through the worst of the physical stuff. Can't sleep well, but I know that will eventually clear up, providing I don't pick up.

I'm really not sure what to do now. I have plans to go to a 12 step meeting tomorrow when I wake up (I work 3rd shift), but I'm not sure if that is the answer. Ya see, over the last few years I have become more and more agnostic. Additionally, what is AA going to do now that it hasn't done in 30 years?!? I acknowledge the fact that the problem may well have been me and not AA, but for crying out loud, 30 years?!?

My wife wants me to try CR again, but I am nowhere near ready for that. I have a hard time just going to church at all anymore, although just a couple of years ago I loved it.

Maybe things will be clearer when my head is clearer. Right now I just want to stop this merry-go-round. I need friends who are perhaps wired the same way that I am. Part of that is why I'm posting here. I am tired of being all alone fighting my many demons. 30 more years of this is utterly incomprehensible.

I want off. I want to be a good person. I'm not a good person when I'm drinking or using. I have only had brief glimpses over the years of what being a good person was, but I was either not able or not willing at the time to grasp it. Please let this be the last stop.

Kitkat331

Sounds like you are really motivated. I think you'll find a lot of helpful info and support on this site.

Is CR celebrate recovery?

Best to you!

awuh1

Hi Randola. Welcome. Perhaps after 30 years of doing AA and not getting a satisfactory result it's not the thing to do, unless, you can find another way to do AA.

You ask what AA can do for you that it has not done so far. I don't know, because I don't know enough about your experience in AA. But perhaps that's the wrong question to ask. Perhaps becoming that good person you want to be will, in the end, involve what you can give rather than what you can get.

I know how difficult the coming days and weeks will be and I wish you all the best.

FeelingGreat

Hi Randola, I used SR and my doctor as support. I'm an atheist and no matter how you sugar-coat it, there is certainly a religious element to AA. I'd imagine it's more pronounced in TX than here in Australia.
Having said that, there are other agnostics in SR who use AA. I might have done so myself except SR worked for me.
What do you have to lose by trying to become sober and clean without AA? Lots of people do. But don't go at it without a plan. Apart from the desire to quit, read here to learn how to avoid triggers, control cravings, keep up your motivation. There are some simple steps you can take to increase your chances of success. Inform yourself, have a plan, and you may just make it this time.

jazzfish

I have long thought that this was the most likely and worst case scenario, and it scares the bajeezus out of me.

There are other approaches than AA, if that isn't working for you. I found a lot of hope in the following post over on the Secular Connections thread here. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

Randola

KitKat, yes CR is Celebrate Recovery.

Awuh, I realize that IF I try AA again, that I will have to take a different approach. You probably have a point about the giving thing. I know that I am very self-centered and really don't care much about doing anything for others. It's one of my more glaring flaws.

And, FeelingGreat, this website may well help. I just discovered it a few days ago. I wouldn't call myself an atheist at this point, but I am leaning more in that direction. One problem though, is that I have become quite an isolationist over the last few years. I know that I need human interaction of some sort to stay sober. I may look up and see if there are any RR groups around. I live in a large metropolitan area. Perhaps a web forum is sufficient. I don't know.

Nonsensical

Welcome to Sober Recovery.

There are many paths to happy sober living. Some, but not all, of them go through AA. You might want to check out the Secular Connections forum here for some ideas on defeating addiction that may appeal to you. Many people have found this thread in particular to be helpful:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

SR is a great community for learning and sharing. I was in and out of the rooms for 23 years before I stumbled/bumbled my way here. It has made a tremendous difference in my recovery.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

Randola

Thanks for the link to the Secular Connections pages. I will check them out.

I did not realize it until I read what I wrote. THIRTY YEARS

That is a very, very long time to not do one simple little thing. Don't drink and don't take drugs, little children. They will ruin your life.

I feel like a blooming idiot. Maybe if I can maintain the current feeling of self-contempt (in a healthy way, if there is one), I can find a way to NOT do that one little thing...pick up.

I am going to head over to read those links. Thanks for the input.

Nonsensical

I could only wring a few days of sobriety out of self-contempt. Living a happy sober life required me to forgive myself and strive to be better than I was. The only way for me to atone for doing the things I did is to do better things now.

It didn't happen overnight, but it would never have happened if I had continued drinking.

FreeOwl

Wow, thanks for sharing your story and for being here. You're helping me stay sober today and your honesty is a great place to center yourself as a start to lasting sobriety.

You mentioned being in and out of AA and perhaps needing to do it differently. Have you thoroughly and honestly worked the steps? Might there be room to do that again if its been some time, more deeply and from a new vantage point? We are never the same person we were before.....

MIRecovery said something that really stands out for me in his 2000 days sober post:

'It's not one thing keeping me sober, it's a hundred little things'.

I empathize with you... Though it sounds like you've been trying and struggling a lot longer, I too tried and failed, tried and fell.... When I finally got the deep willingness to accept sobriety, what worked wasn't

AA

Or

SR

Or

Counseling with a therapist to address my inner wounds

Or

Exercising regularly

Or

Distance running

Or

Martial arts

Or

Talking with my lady about it

Or

Working the steps

Or

Changing my habitual existence to reduce or eliminate drinking related activities and friendships

Or

Trying new things and building new ways to enjoy life

Or

Spending time EVERY single day focused on recovery......

It was ALL of these things. It still is!

And now I am over a year sober and cherish sobriety and my life.

I know that you can do it too.

We are here for you.

FreeOwl

Also.... Agnostic is no reason AA 'won't work'.


Go watch the sunrise. Will the sun with all the power you have NOT to come up.

Do that every day for a week, or a month.... Or a year. Keep doing it until you have to admit that you are unable to stop the sun from rising.

In that moment you will realize that there is a power greater than you.

From there all you need is the willingness to consider that the awareness of a power greater than you may be of use to you in staying sober.

You don't have to believe in a bearded guy in flowing robes and a long white beard. You don't even have to say the word God if you don't want to. AA works if you're simply willing to set aside your resistance to words and instead just take the power of the steps and the power of the program as an allied force in your life.

At least, that has been my experience. I also resisted the 'God' thing. it didn't work for me when I did that.

Soberwolf

Welcome Ranndola nice to meet you

Randola

In that list I saw many tools that I have tried and many that I had never even thought of. Perhaps finding this forum will aid me.

One of the problems that I have had has been working odd hours and long hours. Third shift/sixty+ hours a week. I simply don't have the time to make any kind of meeting daily, whatever the flavor is. Likewise my hours are quite often at odds with those to with I might speak of my struggles.

This website is going throughout the nights and weekends. I perhaps need to not only use it, but also incorporate some of those other things on that list.

Thank you for your post. It was very helpful.

sugarbear1

have you worked those 12 steps?

Randola

Sugerbear1,

Got about halfway through step 9 three years ago. Made about 5 months sober that time.

JanieJ

Welcome, Randola.

Well done on three days

The good thing about SR is that it's open 24/7. Time zones are amazing things, and very convenient to thsoe of us who work odd hours, as you say.

If you want to really do this thing, it has to be top priority. You will be told that over and over.

Just a thought ...is it possible to change your shifts ?

Also, you point out that you don't have time to attend meetings etc. But you' ll find that you do have some spare time -the time that you would have spent drinking.

Randola

24 hours in the books, working on 48.

Made it back to my old home AA group before work tonight and it felt good. Many of the old faces were there to welcome me back, as well as some new ones who've made it in during the course of the past year. I got the number (again) of one of the old faces of whom I have much in common and pledged to call him in the morning when I get off.

Wow. What's that? Emotions that I'm feeling? Been a while.

I cringed a little when the Serenity Prayer was said, but guess what? The topic of the meeting was a reading from the chapter "We Agnostics". I heard what I needed for today and know that I will make the rest of this 24 hour period clean and sober.

I believe that I'm really going to have to examine this "higher power" thing in depth before too long. Mayhap I never examined it closely enough to begin with and the foundation for the rest of the steps was unsound. Right now though, staying sober and getting my head clear is okay.

Thanks to all that I have come in contact with here in the last couple of days. I wish I had discovered SR along time ago.

Soberwolf

Congrats Randola

mns1

Very nice Randola!

tomsteve

Additionally, what is AA going to do now that it hasn't done in 30 years?!? I acknowledge the fact that the problem may well have been me and not AA, but for crying out loud, 30 years?!?

First I glad a went to a meeting. So apparently there IS something AA has that you want.
However, you state you " bounced in and out of" it for 5 years. Ya got exactly what you were supposed to get by being on the fence.
What's AA gonna do that it hasn't done in 30 years.
Welp, in them 30 years millions of people have gotten sober and have had all of the promises of the BB materialize.But they quit screwing around and got into action following the suggestions in the BB. They surrendered.
And then the ones that sit on the fence and do it their way, hold onto old ideas, keep going on premeditated drunks and returning time after time and everything gets worse. And many end up dead or in jail.
Get into action. The steps are in order for a reason. Without step one( and I read a whole lotta powerlessness and unmanagability in yer posts) there's very little chance of recovery. Then it's onto step two.
One day at a time.