Santa

Young adult daughter, student at an excellent university, now in serious legal trouble after hitting another adolescent. My D was blackout drunk at a party, remembers nothing. Broke the other student's nose; felony assault charge.

I can't sweep up after another addict, even (especially?) one I love as much as life itself. She veers between despair over what she did and classic denial that she has a drinking problem. In denial she sounds so exactly like her father, my XAH, that I am just sick.

maia1234

Im sorry Santa. I believe that our kids inherit good and and bad DNA from their parents. Its a horrible disease!!

CodeJob

Santa, how sad.

I'll pray she sees 'the light'.

Sotiredofitall

Big Hugs (((((((()))))))

NWGRITS

I know that feeling of being "that kid". I learned to shirk responsibility from the expert (my AM). Everything was everyone else's fault. Until she decides she has a problem and wants to get help, she's going to keep on the way she has been. Wow, that sounds familiar, huh? It's a family disease. Which is why I decided that it stops with me and I will not curse my children to the same life I lived in an alcoholic home. When we know better, we do better. Unfortunately, we don't always know until it's too late.

Seren

I'm so sorry, Santa! Perhaps all that she will have to go through as she faces these charges will be an 'a-ha' moment for her....but I would not place any expectations on it.

Prayers for you both!

lillamy

Hugs & prayers, Santa.

I can tell you part of my story is similar. No alcoholism, but a physical altercation one of my kids had that landed her in the hands of the cops, and only because she tried to jump out of the cop car (at 75 mph on the highway) and was clearly diagnosed as suicidal (and put on suicide watch) did they drop the charges against her.

She is solidly on the way to accepting and using the help offered to her. About every other day. It has been, for me, in many ways a more stressful experience and harder to detach from than my former marriage to an abusive alcoholic.

It's your kid. Of course you're in pain. (((hugs)))

changeneeded

Santa,

So heartbreaking, I am truly sorry for you. You mention you can't sweep up after her, that would be a blessing to her in the long run.

May you have strength through this horrible event.

hopeful4

THIS...

I am sorry my friend. XXX

SeriousKarma

Oh Santa, You are so much in my heart right now (((((((( hugs )))))))).

My daughter has been having her own struggles with stupid choices lately, and I worry about her. It's like the Gods of Alanon are putting me through some bizarre test to see if I've been paying attention.

Sending you and your daughter support, and understanding, and lots of love.

dandylion

Santa.....what kind of leverage do you have? Why not send her to rehab?
Since she is still young....and, still hurting from this recent event--this would be a good time to get what she needs to hear from other alcoholics and others who won't be tempted to enable her and can (maybe) cut through her denial.

I can see that you are aware that "sweeping up" after her will not be the best thing for her. She needs to understand that this is grown-up, real world time. (don't expect her to like it or receive the information nicely). If she is like most young people she is likely to try to ride the victim role (the world is against her and everyone is trying to give her a hard time). Don't listen to it.

You are going to need a lot of support....if she is in denial, you are probably hurting more than she is, right now.
It is tough for a parent to do what you will have to do. It goes against parental "instincts". I will also add that "mother's guilt" is the biggest thing that you will probably have to guard against. Trust me--I have been in your shoes. All my advice comes from my rivers of tears and more sleepless nights than I could count.

dandylion

happybeingme

It is also possible that her only problem is being a stupid college kid. She May be defending against having a problem by simply parroting what she heard her dad say. It doesn't however mean it is not true. She may simply be behaving dumbly and lacking a better way to express herself repeats what she heard in the past. She is facing severe legal consequences. Be there for her. She may decide to never drink again because of this but don't push her. Firm rules and boundaries are the way to go.

Santa

Thanks so much for the support. Dandylion, I don't have much leverage other than detaching from this. I loaned her the money for legal counsel, I will get it back by turning over some of the college loans to her. I've told her I will not bail her out of additional legal trouble if there are other incidents. I'm not going to set sobriety as a condition of my continuing to fund her education, that seems controlling and I have no way of monitoring, even if I wanted to take that on (I don't). She has one year to go. I can't get cornered into another codependent trap, I simply refuse. I've babied her over the years (guilt), it's what she's used to from me. Just have to step back. Her lawyer told her to start attending meetings.

dandylion

Santa....I hare you. Make sure that you get support if you need it, because this road is just too hard to walk alone.

dandylion