How to manage the anger?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Chicago
Posts: 38
How to manage the anger?
I'm so angry and have so many reasons to be angry. Which is the reason drinking became an issue for me. I held everything in for years and did everything I was supposed to do to keep everyone happy, while I felt broken inside.then once my binge drinking started to get out of control all of my anger came out and I would take it all out on my husband. ( I blame him for a lot of things but my issues are not his fault) Since starting therapy my anger sit much closer to the surface. I'm having a harder time keeping it together which is why after 3 bad episodes in one week I know I need to be sober to get through this. My husband cleared out all the booze in the house after my last outburst but is now spending every night out with his friends at a bar. Spending money we cannot afford, while I feel literally trapped and alone at home. When I try to point out the hipocrasy, he tells me I have no right to talk because of what I have put him through. I've apologized 1000 times, I'm doing everything I can to fix myself and he just does not get it. I hate feeling like this all the time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,327
Anger is a huge reason that I drank: anger at people in my present life, and anger at people in my past. I'd also drink when I was angry and disappointed with myself.
Drinking at or because of folks only hurts us (and of course doesn't help our loved ones either). The serenity prayer and other, similar mantras, are super helpful. I,too, had not learned how to express my anger. One book that really helped me was _The Dance of Anger_. It is an old chestnut,and a good one. It really made me tap into why I thought I could not tell people how I felt and how that was fueling my anger.
Sending you supportive thoughts...
Drinking at or because of folks only hurts us (and of course doesn't help our loved ones either). The serenity prayer and other, similar mantras, are super helpful. I,too, had not learned how to express my anger. One book that really helped me was _The Dance of Anger_. It is an old chestnut,and a good one. It really made me tap into why I thought I could not tell people how I felt and how that was fueling my anger.
Sending you supportive thoughts...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Ok. Stop apologizing to your husband. You have been through a lot. And right now I can see a bunch of things in what you said that are triggers for me.
Money. That's a big one. Stressing over it. Worrying over it. Do you have an income of your own? I can't remember from your prior thread whether you are working. Protect your money. Or put together a budget that will be temporary.
Husbands out the door and at the bar while you are at home. My husband the alcoholic/addict does that. I don't like it and used to drink to fill the time and drown my anger. When I got sober I had my kids to keep me occupied. Are any of yours still at home? I think you said you had a 15 y.o. Games? Talking? Going for a walk (when it warms up, I know it's snowing right now).
Do find something to get you out of the house at night. Do you have friends you can see for coffee? A yoga class. Anything. An AA meeting. Or al anon meeting.
I've had a hard time with anger and realized after a very long time that I drank partly to punish myself for whatever. I drank at my husband and my anger with him. I drank at whatever problems I had. "I'll show you! I'll get painfully wasted". A lot of rage directed inwards. Once I figured out that was what I was doing it made it a little easier not to drink.
Hang in there.
Money. That's a big one. Stressing over it. Worrying over it. Do you have an income of your own? I can't remember from your prior thread whether you are working. Protect your money. Or put together a budget that will be temporary.
Husbands out the door and at the bar while you are at home. My husband the alcoholic/addict does that. I don't like it and used to drink to fill the time and drown my anger. When I got sober I had my kids to keep me occupied. Are any of yours still at home? I think you said you had a 15 y.o. Games? Talking? Going for a walk (when it warms up, I know it's snowing right now).
Do find something to get you out of the house at night. Do you have friends you can see for coffee? A yoga class. Anything. An AA meeting. Or al anon meeting.
I've had a hard time with anger and realized after a very long time that I drank partly to punish myself for whatever. I drank at my husband and my anger with him. I drank at whatever problems I had. "I'll show you! I'll get painfully wasted". A lot of rage directed inwards. Once I figured out that was what I was doing it made it a little easier not to drink.
Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I think Sugarbear is right. Almost always when I was so extremely angry it turned out to be based in fear. I think fear is the biggest trigger of all and it's disguised as a lot of different things. Break down each of the things that are angering you and ask what it is about the situation that you fear. Can you change it? Like retiredusaf, I say the serenity prayer an awful lot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Chicago
Posts: 38
We're just hitting the tip of the iceberg in therapy. We've reached the point that I knew we were coming to, which is couples counseling. He says he'll go but hasn't yet.
My 15yr old keeps grounded. My kids are my #1 reason for needing to be sober. I've shielded them from most of my drinking but not all. They deserve me at my best.
The winter months are hard, on top of every thing, I know I'm suffering from the winter blues. I do work and all the cash I had set aside for my extracurricular things, (classes and such) had sadly been spent bailing other family members out of their financial problems. ( I'm sure I won't recoup any of that).
I did however, just watch a few anger management videos on YouTube. I don't think they will help much for my for my anger, but they were so silly, I was able to have a much needed laugh.
I do a lot of hiding and decompressing in a hot bath. It helps. I'm trying hard to stay positive.
You guys have been great! Thank you
My 15yr old keeps grounded. My kids are my #1 reason for needing to be sober. I've shielded them from most of my drinking but not all. They deserve me at my best.
The winter months are hard, on top of every thing, I know I'm suffering from the winter blues. I do work and all the cash I had set aside for my extracurricular things, (classes and such) had sadly been spent bailing other family members out of their financial problems. ( I'm sure I won't recoup any of that).
I did however, just watch a few anger management videos on YouTube. I don't think they will help much for my for my anger, but they were so silly, I was able to have a much needed laugh.
I do a lot of hiding and decompressing in a hot bath. It helps. I'm trying hard to stay positive. You guys have been great! Thank you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
I have major anger issues also but the deeper I get into my recovery I realize I'am not really angry at "them" or really angry about anything...I'am angry at ME !..and just taking it out on "them".
DD
DD
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
To me it sounds like you spend a lot of your time trying to please other people. It might be helpful to you to start learning to saying no.
It's time to start looking after yourself. x
It's time to start looking after yourself. x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 1,130
I know this may sound rather basic but the way we express our emotions, whether they are related to anger or fear or whatever, is strongly influenced by our physical condition. Are you eating healthy meals properly three times a day? Are you going to bed and getting up at a snesible time? Are you taking some excercise? Are you finding half an hour a day to read, pray and medidate?
I am not saying these things will remove your angry feelings. But they should help you to manage your emotions better.
I am not saying these things will remove your angry feelings. But they should help you to manage your emotions better.
Sober Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Lancashire
Posts: 170
Don't try not being Angry, it doesn't work.
Meditation allows you to explore triggers that make you angry, such as snoring partners or work colleagues. Once you have identified your triggers, you are better able to quell the emotion of anger before it becomes a problem. Such as simply buying earplugs or tolerating a person at work for the money.
Anger is a frustration with life and one of the easiest emotions to get under control, unlike love, with really is a problem.
Meditation allows you to explore triggers that make you angry, such as snoring partners or work colleagues. Once you have identified your triggers, you are better able to quell the emotion of anger before it becomes a problem. Such as simply buying earplugs or tolerating a person at work for the money.
Anger is a frustration with life and one of the easiest emotions to get under control, unlike love, with really is a problem.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: South
Posts: 226
I agree with what everybody else has said. But one additional tidbit really helped me once I truly embraced it (and it sounds harsh - so sorry in advance). I had to really get over myself, and reconcile that the whole world does not revolve around me. When my wife did stupid sh$t, I took it personally as if she woke up in the morning thinking "how do I p$ss him off today", or if somebody drove twenty miles below the speed limit or stopped on a road while they were deciding if they needed to turn - how selfish right? Doesn't the driver realize there are other people on the road who need to get somewhere? Then it dawned on me: I never entered into their thoughts as they were acting or doing what they were doing. Whatever their issue, or the consequence to me, it was never directly intentioned towards me - in fact nothing at all to do with me. And then when I got angry that my wife wasn't thinking about me, I realized that that was her limitation in vision, not a lack of appreciation for me. The point is, 99% of those things that happen to us in life through the course of others' actions, happen without us ever crossing their minds. While the outcome may still be bad or even catastrophic, at least the anger and resentment from taking things personally vanished.
A simple test I use is this: in whatever situation I'm in that upsets me, could I substitute somebody else into the situation and still see the same outcome. If yes, then I know it's not personal, and I can move on. I obviously have no idea what the money problems you have are, or the husband bar issues are. But maybe for a second assume it's not personal and try to deal with them clinically - like a business and see what happens. The way I solved silly spending? I pull out our bills automatically along with our forced savings. No more credit cards. Can only spend what's left in the account - when it's gone, it's gone. No fight, no anger.
A simple test I use is this: in whatever situation I'm in that upsets me, could I substitute somebody else into the situation and still see the same outcome. If yes, then I know it's not personal, and I can move on. I obviously have no idea what the money problems you have are, or the husband bar issues are. But maybe for a second assume it's not personal and try to deal with them clinically - like a business and see what happens. The way I solved silly spending? I pull out our bills automatically along with our forced savings. No more credit cards. Can only spend what's left in the account - when it's gone, it's gone. No fight, no anger.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,426
Go out in the forest and yell and scream with nobody around to get it out.
Write journals full of your pain and burn them and release the anger with the flames.
Exercise until your chest burns and you have no energy left.
Get it out in a safe and frequent way--feel it fully when you express it
and don't push it down or away. Anger wants to be heard, and when it truly
is, is loses its power.
You have pleased lots of people, sometimes to the point of hurting yourself, and the anger is telling you that.
Anger is helpful in this way, but it isn't good to keep carrying it. Hear it and let it go.
At first, there is a lot to release, but if you keep letting it out,
it will get more manageable.
The alcohol was how we "managed" anger for years, so now we need new tools.
Hang in there.
Write journals full of your pain and burn them and release the anger with the flames.
Exercise until your chest burns and you have no energy left.
Get it out in a safe and frequent way--feel it fully when you express it
and don't push it down or away. Anger wants to be heard, and when it truly
is, is loses its power.
You have pleased lots of people, sometimes to the point of hurting yourself, and the anger is telling you that.
Anger is helpful in this way, but it isn't good to keep carrying it. Hear it and let it go.
At first, there is a lot to release, but if you keep letting it out,
it will get more manageable.
The alcohol was how we "managed" anger for years, so now we need new tools.
Hang in there.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Journaling really helped me to get rid of the anger in my life. I just grabbed my journal and wrote and wrote until the anger passed and it did release a lot of my negative feelings.
It sounds like you're frustrated because your husband is still upset about your behaviour. One of the hardest things in early recovery is learning patience. You will need to show him with your actions that you are changing.
It sounds like you're frustrated because your husband is still upset about your behaviour. One of the hardest things in early recovery is learning patience. You will need to show him with your actions that you are changing.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
