Great site!

Old 03-30-2002, 09:02 AM
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Aim
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Great site!

I "stumbled" upon this site about two days ago, while searching for help for my brother. Although I've never attended an Al-Anon meeting, I've always been curious about what it could do for me. This site and its posts give me somewhat of an idea.
Smoke, I have to tell you that your words are (already) invaluable to me. I always knew that there were other people who could relate/understand what I've been through, but I've never found them. This site has helped me to start to sort out my feelings about my experiences with alcoholic family members.
I know I'm not telling any of you anything you probably don't already know, but I'm going to vent anyway. I'm not going to go totally into all the details of the crap that alcohol has caused in my life; I am however going to say that right now, I am angry, sad, guilty, angry, sad, and did I mention angry? I have to tell myself every time that it's the alcohol talking, that just about everything that the alcoholics in my life have said to me have been the alcohol talking. I'm to the point now where I feel so pissed off, and grapple every day with the question of who the hell these people think they are. BUT, it's the alcohol, right?! I am the type of person who believes that you should take responsibility for your actions; that, if needed, a little (or a lot of) help can get you back on track. I've always had faith and made no secret about it to the A's in my life. The things that I've been accused of, though: Being judgemental. Being a "user and abuser" (whatever the hell that means...). Basically being a piece of ****. Having insults hurled and screamed at me just to take the focus off of the actual problem. One of my brothers and I are not even speaking at this point. We were very close. After 3 years of watching him turn into a completely different person and pretending like everything is ok out of fear of him turning on me and what it would do to our relationship, it finally came to a head. I told him I didn't want to hear the SAME OLD STORY YET again. And again and again. I asked him how long this was going to go on. He's got excuse after excuse, and is running out of people to cry to. I was the most recent off the list. After finally telling him how I feel, he resorted to screaming the most hurtful, terrible, harsh words at me. I've heard through the grapevine since then that he feels I am no longer his sister, and I never will be again. The alcohol talking again, right?!?!?! I know him like the back of my hand; I know the reason he feels this way is he thinks I've given up on him. This couldn't be further from the truth. I just couldn't take his **** anymore and went off on him. It was a long time coming. I have to admit it felt really good. Part of me doesn't mind not talking to him right now. It's like a big load off.
I marvel at his and other alcoholics' ability to turn the tables (or to try to anyway). It gets to the point that they will go to any length, it doesn't matter, to deny their problem. No one is immune to it. It's everyone else's fault. Everyone hates me. Everyone's screwing me over. Screw everybody. Poor me. I HATE IT!!! And all this with my brother is just the tip of the iceberg. It's come from my parents, stepdad and two other brothers. Your garden variety. Believe me I could go on and on. It's like I'm just now realizing the effects that it's had on my entire life. I feel like I practically understand it a professional level, yet I still don't understand it at all...all at the same time.
Please don't misunderstand. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I REALLY needed to vent to people who will know what I'm saying. I can talk to my friends about it but hey...you know as well as I do that unless you've been through it you won't fully "get it". People are very well-intentioned, but it's hard to understand the vicious cycle of an addict's life and what it does to the people who care about him/her, unless they've experienced it. Actually I prefer that not many people I know understand what I'm saying, because I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Sorry for the novel...hope I didn't bore anyone too much. If you guys have any comments or whatever, please feel free. Take it easy.
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Old 03-30-2002, 09:39 AM
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Hello Aim!
Welcome to the recovery forum!!!

First of all... please don't feel you ever need to apologize for venting your feelings here. We WANT you to. We DO want to hear it. Holding a feeling in is compression, and compression gives a substance a certain explosive quality ... it WILL find a means of escape... better to let it out than to risk a blast. And you're right... it doesn't matter how good and well meaning your friends are. If they haven't had to cope with an addict they don't get it.

Even more amazing than an addict placing the blame for their problems outside themselves, is the fact that we sometimes buy it. Perhaps only briefly, but who here hasn't thought "if only I had" or "if only I hadn't" because an addict pointed their shakey finger.

If your brother ever gets a clue, he will come back to YOU. If he doesn't, is he worth the effort anyway?

Pleased to have you here new friend. Let it all hang out!

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 03-30-2002, 11:28 AM
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Aim
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Thanks very much for your kind words.
Yes Smoke it is amazing that we even briefly buy the crap these guys throw at us. It adds fuel to the angry fire that all this has created inside of me.
I've convinced myself that I've let go/detached. But I don't think I have completely. That's what I'm working on. Something I should point out though, is that in my post I was talking about two different people (2 of my brothers). It's like a double whammy. I love them and they will be my brothers for the rest of my life. So it's like it will never "go away". I am a very forgiving person, and aside from getting help and getting sober, all either of them would have to do is show up at my door. I know this deep down, and so do they. But it would ONLY be after getting help and getting sober. I'm glad B. and I stopped talking in that no more harsh words can be said to further deepen the wounds.
The other brother though...it's like apples and oranges in a lot of ways. He's different. He's sweet, unselfish and a great guy. We are closest in age and I'm afraid that because of alcohol, any hope for a real relationship with him is slim. His alcohol problem has reached a level that I just cannot comprehend. There is no doubt in my mind that he is killing himself. This is killing me. He simply cannot be without alcohol in his system. Aside from lying a lot, his behavior when drinking is annoying at most. BUT he WILL look you straight in the face when totally hammered and tell you he hasn't had ANYTHING to drink. It is truly amazing. I mean, I'm someone who doesn't have a phony bone in her body. It is nearly impossible for me to pretend things are OK when they're not, and it is TOTALLY impossible for me to accept when someone is lying to my face. I cannot take it. I have to leave or whatever to keep from totally freaking out. I'm pretty good at keeping it in check and being understanding. I just get so tired of trying to understand WHY; every word they say or every action they take under the influence has got to be thought about. It has to be analyzed. It's friggin exhausting. You get SO TIRED of dealing with it. The lies, the nonsense, the repeating, the inability to remember pretty much everything. This happens with them, and with my mom. With my mom it's mostly the forgetfulness and repetitive crap. I love her but it's like because of the booze, she has no clue about me or my life. I tell her things, but of course I end up having to tell her at least 2 more times and I just end up irritated. Everyone needs family, you know? At least I do. It's like my illusion (or should I say delusion) of "family" is totally crumbling.
Wow I'm a real ray of sunshine aren't I. I must say though that this is awesome. I'm telling you (or warning you?!) now that there is more to come...the floodgates are open!
Thanks again
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Old 03-30-2002, 03:31 PM
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Welcome!

Wow! And you have never been to a meeting? I am blown away by your realistic view of what is going on around you! I don't detect any denial or any inclination to take responsiblity for what they have done. It sounds to me like you calls 'em as you see's 'em.

Sure there is some anger but who wouldn't be angry!? We all get angry.

There is some great reading material out there, on this site, at meetings and even at the library to help you understand what is going on around you. And Al Anon meetings are easy to find if you are so inclined. Take what you like and leave the rest...it never hurts to really know who the enemy is.

Keep posting...I for one will be reading!

(((((HUGS)))))
Paula

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Old 03-30-2002, 03:54 PM
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Hi Aim

Thanks for sharing your story. You really do seem to be going in the right direction.

I hope to see you around here. It really is a great place. Helps me alot.

You take care.

Many hugs,
Debbie
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Old 03-31-2002, 02:52 PM
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Hi Aim!

This has already been said, but I was surprised by how much I could empathize with what you seem to feel. This is a great place to vent and learn to heal. I've only found this site less than a week ago and have already found new hope. I hope that you find the same!

Scared
 
Old 03-31-2002, 05:07 PM
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Aim
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Hey everybody...thanks so much for your responses. I guess I do have somewhat of a handle on the situation, as far as seeing things for what they really are. I think what bothers me the most is the feeling of powerlessness over the whole thing. I like to think of myself as a bit of a problem solver, and you all know as well as I do that all you EVER do in this situation is try to think of some sort of solution. And you never come up with it...it is SO MADDENING.
I wish sometimes that I didn't have the kind of memory that I do; that I could block out the hurtful and confusing things from my childhood. And from my adulthood for that matter! But the truth is I can't, and it has made me the person I am today. I am not a religious person, but I do thank God every day. I thank him every day that I don't choose to use alcohol when I am faced with problems or difficult situations; and that if anything good has come out of this, it's that I have learned SO much from these people. I've learned what not to do. It's funny, too how that gets turned around by them to be a bad thing: who do you think you are? How dare you judge me? What about YOU? And I say, yeah? What about ME?! What have you got to say about ME? Go screw!!! You got nothing to say! It's always misconstrued and twisted around so that you look like you're trying to be high and mighty. It kills me. It's laughable at this point. Any insults or BS that gets thrown at me now is almost always met with a chuckle. I just say, you know what? You are TOTALLY GRASPING HERE. GIVE IT UP, WILL YA? Get that proverbial finger OUT of my face and try pointing it at yourself you big dumb jerk.
I don't know...I'm tired and I'm bummed that we can't just have a NORMAL conversation. A NORMAL relationship. That I get nervous or edgy when I know I'm going to see one of them. I remember as kid, walking home from school and wondering how it was going to be when I got there. I would think of leaving a note or something for my parents in the morning before I left: "Please don't drink today". I never actually left the note. I was chicken I guess. I think the feeling that I get now when I know I'm going to see one of them comes from that. How's it going to be? Are they going to be *********? Are they going to be totally out of control? Are they going to be happy as a pig in s*it one minute, and then the next minute turn on me? How am I going to handle it? And most of all, I am so sick of you f*cking people putting me in this position! Goddamn you! The resentment, the sadness, the anger and confusion...just overwhelming sometimes. Oh and one more thing while I'm at it : don't you just love it when time and time AND TIME again you, what's happening in YOUR life, in your head, anything having to do with YOU, is completely and totally ignored? It's NON-EXISTENT? Don't you just love it? Their heads are SO FAR up their you-know-what's it boggles the mind. OK I am a reasonable person, I basically know the reason behind their behavior, but dammit, sometimes we just gotta bitch, you know?!?!
Let me apologize if I've offended anyone with my language...that's just me. Please don't mind it...I think you get the point past the swears anyway.
As I said before, believe me there's more to come...I feel as if I've found a goldmine here.
I hope you all had a wonderful Easter. Thank you again for your words..keep 'em coming. I know I will.
Take care of yourselves and don't take any crap!

Aim
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