Timeiskey

Well, I did it. I finally found a new place to live. I just signed the lease and will be moving at the beginning of the month. I have such mixed emotions about it all. Getting away from the constant reminders will be so helpful to my recovery. Yet, in my Codi fashion, I feel such remorse about having to leave. I hate living so close to my ex. It has been a constant and daily reminder of my own issues and the love that is lost here. So, why am I not shouting with glee?

I am working step 1 of CODA right now. Accepting that I am powerless over others. The idea is that by accepting powerlessness, we become empowered over ourselves. In our meeting last week, we were asked what the difference is between powerlessness and empowerment. What I have concluded is that the difference is overwhelmingly fear. As I work through acceptance of my powerlessness, all this fear rises to the surface. I see now that by facing down those fears, I become empowered.

I cried as soon as I signed the new lease. I feel such a loss as I begin to pack. The separation of space will be so healthy for me. But, I realize that I have, in a very sick way, been holding out hope that he would walk out his side door one day, come knock on my door, give me that look that he did when we were first together and tell me he is sorry. That he loves me. That he wants a healthy relationship with me... it is fear of the unknown that has kept me here so long. It is fear of letting go of my obsession over this broken relationship, because that means focusing on getting healthy myself- and boy, is that a painful and tough road. But little by little, I am overcoming that fear.

I don't want to move away. To pay more for another place and have to go through the work of packing and moving. But, I want to be healthy. I had this though the other day- "if only I had addressed my Codi issues before this relationship, then it would have been different between us..." and then I realized "yes, it would have been different, because I would not have gotten emotionally and intimately involved with someone who drank every day." Now, it is time to go work on myself. Goodbye my sweet love, wherever you went. Farewell to this man who took your place. Good riddance to the manipulation, alcohol, and selfishness. So long to the hourly reminders of where you are and what you are doing. I am so very ready to be free of these chains of unhealthy love and obsession.

lillamy

I might have to find me a CODA meeting. Because that's some good stuff there, my friend.

Fear. Dear God, what I couldn't do if I could only get rid of the fear...

I'm glad you're plowing through the fear and making this move. Painful as it is, I know my ability to let go of a toxic relationship improved radically when I didn't have to fear running into him every day.

Timeiskey

Thanks Lil,

If you can find a CODA meeting around, I would suggest it. It has been very helpful to me. I appreciate Al Anon, but I like to perspective of my own addiction to people being at the heart of the concern rather than the addiction of someone else. But, this is probably because I am not involved with my ex A anymore. Otherwise, I would need emotional equipment to address that aspect of the unmanageability of life...

dandylion

Timeiskey....I think that all moves are nostalgc to a certain extent--even happy moves!
I'm willing to bet that your sad feelings will be very short lived. A few days in your new place will bring you a refreshing new outlook.
You have NEW memories to make, my dear.

I don't know about you....but, I love the challenge of making my new place "my own".

This is really a significant step for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dandylion

Timeiskey

Thanks Dandy. I hope you are right about my sadness being short lived. I think it can only be helpful in my recovery to get physical distance from him. It is impossible not to see the little indicators of his life when I live next door. It will be a blessing to wake up in the morning and not be immediately reminded of him when I look out my window. It will be a blessing to walk outside and not have this pit of sadness in my stomach from fear of not seeing him and also of seeing him. I think I have finally started to accept that I am truly powerless. I can't do anything through my willpower to change the course of action that we have both taken. I cannot through my willpower make the love that we shared healthier or revived in a way that would lead to a happy future together. Oh, but only if I could...I wish this understanding hadn't come at such a high expense- my self respect, my pride, the last six months of my life. I have lived in embarrassment at my actions and my continued feelings. I suppose though if we were all able to walk away with dignity and not look back, then we wouldn't need each other here.

It has truly been a blessing to be able to come here and express my feeling and share my pain. I do suspect that there are eyes on here that know who I am and may still be relating some things back to my ex. But if that is true, I want that person to know that I love her. I want her to know that it is alright. I want her to know that I accept that none of us are perfect, or the healthiest, and that I wish her the best, as well as the same for her son. I wish them all a happy and loving future.

HollyC88

So proud of you! I just got a new bed set today, the new look is already giving me good "juju" The new place is a great, exciting but maybe scary new step. Give it some time. I think youre going to realize it is an amazing new beginning!

FlippedRHalo

Personally, I think this is the best possible thing you could possibly do for yourself. I can not even begin to imagine the torment of living within eyesight of my ex. I would die a thousand deaths a day. There is absolutely no way that I'd even remotely be able to handle that. As it is, I do everything in my power to avoid anywhere that there is even a small chance that he'd be. Living close to him, ugh! I'd go off the deep end!

Moves are hard. When we left our tiny little house that needed a ton of work to move into our gigantic, beautiful, almost fully remodeled townhouse, I was a little sad for a while. That's natural. Keep that in perspective when you go.

Wishing you the best. You're doing something great for yourself!

maia1234

T-
Good for you.

I moved back in November, all on my own. I hate to say it, but I love my new home. It's all mine. I sleep at night. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. (((((((Hugs)))))))

Hammer

THAT is some Really Good Self-Awareness.

Thanks for sharing that.

Yep. Understand ALL that.

Voice I am hearing goes like this . . . . "You cannot have Good until you let go of Bad."