Bebetterpls

I am currenly 51 years old. I was a heavy drinker for 10 years until I stopped completely on February 8, 2012. On that day, I had a breakdown and decided I could no longer go on drinking, hiding it and putting up with all of the fears and risks that heavy drinking brings with it. I had been experiencing a vague pain just below my right rib cage and thought that I had done serious damage to my liver and other organs from all the drinking. I was too embarrassed to go see my doctor as he was a family friend. I quit cold turkey on February 8, 2012 and never had another drink until May 24, 2014. I continued to have pain on my right side and go so worried that in September, 2012 I decided that I had no choice but to go see my doctor or else. I told my doctor that I was having this ongoing pain and that I thought that it was caused by my heavy drinking. He sent me for blood tests and an ultrasound. During the ultrasound the technician kept going over and over my liver area with her wand. I was so scared. I asked her if she had found something. She replied: "You will have to discuss that with your doctor". I was completely terrified. Weeks later the tests came back. I met with my doctor. He told me that all of my tests came back normal and, in fact, my values were great. He said: "keep up the good work, your doing great". I attribute the good results to my healthy eating. I always tried to eat healthy even during the drinking days. That whole episode scared me so much that I basically did not even think of drinking for over two years. Then on May 24, 2014 I stopped at a bar, had a beer and have been drinking every day since except for a one month stoppage in August, 2014.

I now drink about 4 - 6 tall cans (500 ml) of 5% beer every day. I binge drink. I come home from work and basically gulp down the 4 - 6 tall cans in the span of about 3 hours ( 5:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m.). On the weekends I drink a can or two more an I usually start earlier in the day.

I have gained about 20 lbs. since May, 2014 due to all the drinking. I feel bloated and have abdominal pains that very in location and intensity. I have developed a real beer belly.

I hate my situation and I want to STOP this stupid binge drinking NOW.

Lancashire

You have come to the right place. You will find tonnes of support here, friend.

Cecilia44

Then you are in the right place Bebetterpls. There is a ton of support here and plenty of help and advice.

First things first: Have you admitted your an alcoholic and cannot drink? Acceptance is crucial to getting sober.

Have you accepted this? That where you start.

Glad you are here.

Bebetterpls

Every day I wake up and tell myself no more beer. This is it. Then when the day goes on and evening approaches I tell myself, well ok, just this one more time. "Just this one more time" has been going on since May, 2014, 8 months!

I try to hide my drinking from my wife as much as I can. She knows that I drink, but has no idea as to the extent. I drink in the garage and in the basement. I hide cans when I think she is coming. She has found empty beer cans and confronted me. She even caught me gulping down a beer in the garage. I look so silly doing this. It is embarrassing and degrading. She tells me what are you doing - you are 50 years old? I think that my wife is the only one that knows, but my son has overheard my wife questioning me on how much I drink and I believe that he has some indication that I have a problem.

I am married to a good woman and have an 11 year old boy. I am professionally employed - I still have both parents and two married sisters with their own families. I have so many wonderful things in my life to live for, yet I am risking it all with this stupid binge drinking that does nothing but damage my insides and drain my wallet. I want to stop again for good.

The last time I stopped (Feb 8, 2012) it was because I just came to a watershed moment where I realized I was not prepared to risk everything for alcohol.

I am at that point again. I woke up this morning looked back on the weekend and noted that all I did was buy beer and drink. I am not prepared to do this again. Today, I hope marks the first day of my recovery. The last time I went cold turkey. I am concerned with withdrawal symptoms and am considering cutting back to say 1 - 2 beers a day for a few days then to none a all.

Bebetterpls

Cecelia - yes I know that I am an alcoholic.

Lancashire

I say Amen to that. Welcome on board.

brighterlife

You've done it before and I know you can do it again! Welcome to the group

Bebetterpls

I will do this because my life and my family are much more important that gulping beer. My daily binge drinking is so irrational. I get nothing out of it other than an ongoing and worsening fear of what I am doing to myself and my family.

Soberwolf

Welcome Bebetterpls youl find a ton of support here

Nice to meet you

Cecilia44

Bebetterpls, knowing you are an alcoholic and accepting the fact that you cannot drink are two different things. I knew I was an alcoholic for the last eight years, yet I continued to drink anyhow. There is a difference.

Regardless, I am very glad you are here. Lots of support here. Welcome.

Bebetterpls

I was actually a member when I stopped drinking in February, 2012. I found this site very very helpful. It is the only help that I used. Otherwise, it was all my own personal conviction that I was not willing to continue with the drinking and all of the negative things surrounding it. There is not a single positive thing with drinking to excess, especially binge drinking. I hear stories about others and what drinking has done to them and their families. It frightens me a lot. I do not want to do there.

leviathan

well, you know you can do it cause you did it once already. 2 yrs, right? -congratulations there!

you didn't mention how those years went (other than the pain issue). did your quality of life improve?

speaking for myself, my main motivation comes from the established FACT that im better off without. this is my fall-back when the questions sneak in (how bad was i, really? what if i drank, but just less? blah, blah...) add to this the phenomenon of NEVER waking up with regret, thinking "man, i should have drank last night". Ha!

also wondering-are you able to take vacation days? maybe a week off to get yourself back on the wagon?

Bebetterpls

Sorry, I forgot to mention that although I was previously a member of this website almost 3 years ago, I had to sign up this morning fresh again, as I forgot my username and password.

Bebetterpls

Thanks Leviathon - Yes in my mind have always known that I could do it again, because I did it before and it stuck for over two years.

My quality of life did improve. I slimmed down, I looked way better, I started to sleep all night long as opposed to waking up at 3:00 a.m. and being unable to fall asleep again when the alcohol wore off. I also liked the fact that I did not feel all the guilt that I felt when I was always hiding all of the drinking. I looked at drinking as something in my past that I was able to escape. I was offered drinks many times in those two years and always easily said no thanks. I was so strong and committed and everytime that I said no or resisted temptation I felt like I was 10 feet tall. I felt like I was in control not the alcohol.

Your absolutely right about the no regrets part about waking up in the morning after a night of Not drinking. You feel great and proud of the fact that you did not drink. I have NEVER woken up and thought: Geez why did I not get drunk last night? I do however wake up happy when I get though a day or night with no or minimal drinking.

Possibility of Vacation. Not right now. Too many work commitments. I think I can do this again by just simple strong moral conviction the last time.

I have a million projects around my house to complete. I am going to divert my time and money to these projects rather than binge drinking in my spare time. My wife will love it!!!

Bebetterpls

Leviathan: One thought that kept me strong in the early days of sobriety was that I realized that there was absolutely nothing in it for me and all bad. What I would do when I felt temptation to buy alcohol was to remind myself of all of the negative things associated with alcohol consumption the myriad of dangers and risks that I was subjecting myself to and for what? Not a single advantage or good thing from the drinking. Why do I want to do this when it is all bad and absolutely no good. Put yourself first and you will not even consider alcohol.

Coldfusion

Did you know that Toronto is world famous for fantastic AA meetings? Give it a try--it's saved many!

mns1

Hi Bebetter,

I totally agree with Cecilia it sounds like you have accepted you have a problem but have yet to accept that you can't drink normally. I had that problem too for a while before accepting that it is a risk not worth taking.

Also, have you considered talking to someone to try and find the root causes of why you drink?

Bebetterpls

My greatest motivator to stop with the drinking is my 11 year old boy. He is such a wonderful boy and I am putting his wellbeing and his future at risk just to binge drink. What will happen to him if health problems start to surface due to the drinking. What will happen if I die from illness or an accident. What am I thinking when I continue to binge drink everyday knowing all of the risks and absolutely no rewards.

I feel so embarrassed by this all. My parents are first generation immigrants. All they ever did was work hard and provide for their family so that their children could have a better life than they did. Honest hard working individuals. Neither have ever had any issue with alcohol consumption. We always had alcohol at home and it lasted for ever as it only was consumed when company came over to visit and then there was usually only one drink per person consumed. My parents and there social circle new the dangers of excess and had their priorities straight.

I feel so ashamed of myself that I have continued relapsed with this binge drinking these past eight months and never had the fortitude to say, that's it no more I will stop tomorrow, I am stopping now.

Interesting thing is that I keep reading about the connections between alcohol and cancer. The information regarding alcohol and cancers seems to be increasing. I am terrified of cancer. I feels so stupid binge drinking the way I have for the past eight months.

When I stopped drinking from Feb 2012 to May, 2014 I felt such relief thinking that maybe since I did not develop any health problems in the two years following my heavy drinking, maybe I have escaped any negative consequences to my and I was home free. All I had to do was not drink anymore.

Now that I started binge drinking again since May, 2014, I feel like I erased all the good that I did for my health in the over two years that I stopped drinking, that I am at the same risk again and have to start all over again. Absolute insanity on my part. What the hell have I been doing and thinking?

Soberwolf

Hi Bebetterpls i had this wake up call too like what was i doing

The important thing is your bk your aware you have to stop

I suggest building a rock solid sobriety plan based on acceptance & things that will help you stay sober

im glad your bk stick around reach out every time you need too

Bebetterpls

Soberwolf: Thanks. What does "bk" stand for.