cheburg

Is this anything anyone else has gone through?

I have been reading and working steps and hit meeting where I can (not often). And I go to counselor when I can too.

I started reflecting on my life (40 years of it) and I almost feel like large chunks were on auto pilot. Like I didn't live them. I can tell you factual information but I feel like I was emotionally an observer. Like I made no choices or had no novel thoughts of my own. I've often critized myself for lack of creativity. Almost as if I can only process information and spit out facts or make decisions based on facts. Numb might be another description. Or even survival mode.

Wondering what it is to open up and feel life. Not sure if I'm doing it now or not.

Thoughts?

Jazzy7777

Hi cherburg. I can definitely relate to feeling as though I coasted through chunks of my life rather than being an active participant. I think everyone can relate to that to a degree. Our future does not have to have so many dull moments! We just need to relax, live in the moment, smile, laugh... and especially dance! Thanks for opening up. You did a great job sharing your feelings and that took courage.

OGK

Hi Cheburg, don't want to say great post as it's not a happy introspection but everything you shared resonates with me, you are not alone.

"I can tell you factual information but I feel like I was emotionally an observer. Like I made no choices or had no novel thoughts of my own".

This makes a lot of sense to me as it relates to my past. I used movies, music, sports and people to try and model my life away from my own. I always needed some outside influence to motivate me or bring me to some kind of safety. I think in some ways, that allowed me to create an alter ego of sorts so I could bypass or float by in my attempts to avoid the real me. I think for me, that led me to operate in a state where I can relate to your words, observing without any sign of original thought or motivation. For me, this feeling really boiled down to being a self created "Safety net" I used to protect myself from the past as well as the present, insuring that I could not be hurt. It took a lot of time and really tough introspection to come to that revelation but it certainly gave me an amazing opportunity to learn to love myself for who I really was and am, for that matter. Sorry for the long response but in closing, if I may, I'd like to say what you wrote is EXACTLY how I started to rebuild myself as an Adult. Looking back at my life as far back as I could go, apply those feelings to specific feelings or events and then slowly re learn or correct the behavior in the now and move past it permanently. We can be our own loving parent and begin to teach ourselves, nobody can stop that. Good luck on your work, keep trekking my friend.
OGK

cheburg

I read that ACA's guess at normal. Maybe using someone else to model after was an attempt at finding some sort of normal. I did it too. Picked up bits and pieces of movie characters, book characters... Tried to learn how to act.