Feel alone and desperate
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wales
Posts: 497
Feel alone and desperate
Don't know where to start so sorry if a bit disjointed. Feel stupid in a way because I don't drink during the day, I hold down a job and kept telling myself I couldn't have a problem but I do.
Been drinking for years, used to be a bottle of wine 5-6 nights a week then gradually increased so usually between 1-1.5 every night. Longest managed in years is 2 days without.
I feel like it's taken over my life. Came clean to my doctor when blood pressure got high and been in counselling about 5 months but every time the cravings and the constant battling in my head get too much I give in.
My memory and concentration is awful and I'm starting to get pains in my stomach when I drink. So many times I've fallen asleep with the door open or candles on or can't remember conversations online from night before. I'm hiding bottles in my bag and getting rid of them on the way to work. Didn't even have a shower for a week until today and that's disgusting. I hate myself for it all and worst of all is I have a daughter who I love more than anything but I'm risking my health, I'm in so much debt and I don't want her to follow in my footsteps. I always plan to do nice things with her on the weekend but I feel too crap and only just manage to do the washing and tidy the house. I know I'm over the influence most mornings and could lose my licence my job or even worse cause an accident. I know I have to do something now it's getting ridiculous but I'm so scared I'll fail. Over the weekend I've had nearly 5 bottles of wine and when I think of giving up I feel so anxious and scared. Does this sound familiar to ppl please really need to feel I'm not alone with this. Thankyou if you got this far xx
Been drinking for years, used to be a bottle of wine 5-6 nights a week then gradually increased so usually between 1-1.5 every night. Longest managed in years is 2 days without.
I feel like it's taken over my life. Came clean to my doctor when blood pressure got high and been in counselling about 5 months but every time the cravings and the constant battling in my head get too much I give in.
My memory and concentration is awful and I'm starting to get pains in my stomach when I drink. So many times I've fallen asleep with the door open or candles on or can't remember conversations online from night before. I'm hiding bottles in my bag and getting rid of them on the way to work. Didn't even have a shower for a week until today and that's disgusting. I hate myself for it all and worst of all is I have a daughter who I love more than anything but I'm risking my health, I'm in so much debt and I don't want her to follow in my footsteps. I always plan to do nice things with her on the weekend but I feel too crap and only just manage to do the washing and tidy the house. I know I'm over the influence most mornings and could lose my licence my job or even worse cause an accident. I know I have to do something now it's getting ridiculous but I'm so scared I'll fail. Over the weekend I've had nearly 5 bottles of wine and when I think of giving up I feel so anxious and scared. Does this sound familiar to ppl please really need to feel I'm not alone with this. Thankyou if you got this far xx
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: former texan
Posts: 216
Jaded I could have written your post for you.
I have one week sober and it's amazing how quickly things are coming back. It's such a relief not to check up on what I've been up to the night before. You can do this. I tried to go cold turkey on my own for two weeks, but finally went to AA and also met with my doctor. I'm on a medically supervised outpatient detox and it is seriously curbing the effects of withdrawl . I am ok. You can be ok. I am going to 90 meetings in 90 days. I am still wrapping my head around where the last five years went. But like you, I never lost my job, no catastrophe except me blacking out at home in the night with kids here - which could have been terrible. I've done stupid things, and I am day by day dealing with it now with a clear head.
Stick around. You just need to start with one day. As AA likes to say, there are two days that aren't important, yesterday and tomorrow. So get rid of them. Stay sober today. If you need to sip something through the night, substitute a decaf something, I'm using chamommile.
I have one week sober and it's amazing how quickly things are coming back. It's such a relief not to check up on what I've been up to the night before. You can do this. I tried to go cold turkey on my own for two weeks, but finally went to AA and also met with my doctor. I'm on a medically supervised outpatient detox and it is seriously curbing the effects of withdrawl . I am ok. You can be ok. I am going to 90 meetings in 90 days. I am still wrapping my head around where the last five years went. But like you, I never lost my job, no catastrophe except me blacking out at home in the night with kids here - which could have been terrible. I've done stupid things, and I am day by day dealing with it now with a clear head.
Stick around. You just need to start with one day. As AA likes to say, there are two days that aren't important, yesterday and tomorrow. So get rid of them. Stay sober today. If you need to sip something through the night, substitute a decaf something, I'm using chamommile.
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Your not alone in this Jaded & really glad that your here - There are many here that have felt the way you are feeling & who are now living free from the alcohol & happy. You will find much love & support here!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wales
Posts: 497
I'm also on my own and I know from counselling I have self esteem problems. Drinking makes me feel more confident and for the last few years I've been doing things that I shouldn't on camera with people I meet on chat rooms / Skype. I know it's so stupid and I'm petrified someone has taped me or It will get out. I'd lose my job if it did. Feel so stupid but at the time it makes me feel good and wanted and I drink because then I can act the way they want me to (I know how pathetic this sounds but it's time to be completely honest). I know they don't really care about me and I should be putting the people who really are important first. It's like an escape and it's just encouraging my problem but it's also so hard to give up. Just don't know what to do. Keep reading it's important to stay away from people or places where drink but I drink alone at home and maybe I should just delete these people. Just so confused and scared and then that just makes me want to drink more. :-( x
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 98
Hi jadedgirl, I could have written your post. It's so similar to me. Every time I thought what if the house had burnt down? What if someone had walked in the back door? What if my daughter woke up and saw me passed out on the sofa? So many mornings trying to frantically sort myself out for work wandering if I should be driving. Then the horrendous shame, guilt and anxiety.
We never ever have to be that person anymore. Well done for making the best decision of your life
We never ever have to be that person anymore. Well done for making the best decision of your life
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
I know they don't really care about me and I should be putting the people who really are important first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wales
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by Irnldy001 
Jaded I could have written your post for you.
I have one week sober and it's amazing how quickly things are coming back. It's such a relief not to check up on what I've been up to the night before. You can do this. I tried to go cold turkey on my own for two weeks, but finally went to AA and also met with my doctor. I'm on a medically supervised outpatient detox and it is seriously curbing the effects of withdrawl . I am ok. You can be ok. I am going to 90 meetings in 90 days. I am still wrapping my head around where the last five years went. But like you, I never lost my job, no catastrophe except me blacking out at home in the night with kids here - which could have been terrible. I've done stupid things, and I am day by day dealing with it now with a clear head.
Stick around. You just need to start with one day. As AA likes to say, there are two days that aren't important, yesterday and tomorrow. So get rid of them. Stay sober today. If you need to sip something through the night, substitute a decaf something, I'm using chamommile.
I have one week sober and it's amazing how quickly things are coming back. It's such a relief not to check up on what I've been up to the night before. You can do this. I tried to go cold turkey on my own for two weeks, but finally went to AA and also met with my doctor. I'm on a medically supervised outpatient detox and it is seriously curbing the effects of withdrawl . I am ok. You can be ok. I am going to 90 meetings in 90 days. I am still wrapping my head around where the last five years went. But like you, I never lost my job, no catastrophe except me blacking out at home in the night with kids here - which could have been terrible. I've done stupid things, and I am day by day dealing with it now with a clear head.
Stick around. You just need to start with one day. As AA likes to say, there are two days that aren't important, yesterday and tomorrow. So get rid of them. Stay sober today. If you need to sip something through the night, substitute a decaf something, I'm using chamommile.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wales
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by brighterlife
Hi jadedgirl, I could have written your post. It's so similar to me. Every time I thought what if the house had burnt down? What if someone had walked in the back door? What if my daughter woke up and saw me passed out on the sofa? So many mornings trying to frantically sort myself out for work wandering if I should be driving. Then the horrendous shame, guilt and anxiety.
We never ever have to be that person anymore. Well done for making the best decision of your life
We never ever have to be that person anymore. Well done for making the best decision of your life
Btw edited just because I've said I can't get to meetings but joined the gym. My daughter is 11 now so can come to the gym with me but wouldn't have anyone to have her for me to get to a meeting x
Last edited by JadedGirl; 01-11-2015 at 02:37 PM. Reason: Just wanted to clarify
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wales
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by sleepie
This is so important! We all need approval. I struggle with this also. I think it is a common struggle. But maybe if you find an AA women's group or something you can get the support you need and also be safe from the pattern of behavior you want to avoid.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
If you have time to go to a gym, surely you have time to get to a meeting or two? No offense meant but this is a matter of life and death for you, and possibly your daughter. I'm not religious about AA, but meetings provide a level of support you can't get online. They really helped me the first year, as did this forum.
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Welcome Jadedgirl 
You can change your life, it 's tough at first but that soon passes.
You can stop drinking today and never drink again, and regain your self esteem as well. It takes work on your part, but I know it's possible. I also did not think I could ever stop drinking, but I've been sober for over three months now.
You will not regret being sober, and you already know that your daughter needs you to be there for as well.
I am so glad you reached out.
You can do this.
You can change your life, it 's tough at first but that soon passes.
You can stop drinking today and never drink again, and regain your self esteem as well. It takes work on your part, but I know it's possible. I also did not think I could ever stop drinking, but I've been sober for over three months now.
You will not regret being sober, and you already know that your daughter needs you to be there for as well.
I am so glad you reached out.
You can do this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 98
I have tried to cut down for 2 years and finally came to the conclusion that I simply can't. It only takes that one fri night where I think to **** with it and 'I deserve this' then I'm back to at least a bottle of wine a night.
It's my treat
it's my reward
I'm bored
I'm stressed
Everyone else does it
etc etc etc..
I've been a v lucky functioning alcoholic. If I hadn't stopped who knows what I would have done last night.
All the best to you, you can do this
It's my treat
it's my reward
I'm bored
I'm stressed
Everyone else does it
etc etc etc..
I've been a v lucky functioning alcoholic. If I hadn't stopped who knows what I would have done last night.
All the best to you, you can do this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wales
Posts: 497
Kinda edited above because knew it would sound like that. I'm on my own with my daughter and have no one to have her for me. She has turned 11 now so can come to the gym with me but I couldn't take her to meetings even if allowed as I don't want her (or her father) to ever know any of this. If I could I really would as I'd do anything right now x
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Wales
Posts: 497
Originally Posted by advbike
If you have time to go to a gym, surely you have time to get to a meeting or two? No offense meant but this is a matter of life and death for you, and possibly your daughter. I'm not religious about AA, but meetings provide a level of support you can't get online. They really helped me the first year, as did this forum.
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