Em93

Hi, new here.
Just need to write things down and get some advice/encouragement/whatever.

I am 21, and currently living with my alcoholic mum. (Also Dad and sister) We have known about her drinking for four years now. She is high functioning, but the signs were alcohol found in hiding places all over the house, and coming home clearly drunk.

For the first two years, it was a big secret that no one spoke about but then it all came out and she promised things would change. Nothing did, and every few months it all comes out again and the same promises are made yet nothing is done.

Sometimes I feel like the only one willing to help - my dad is in denial and lets it happen, and my sister feels guilty when my mum is sober and gives in. The very worrying thing is that she occasionally drinks and drives. A few months ago, she came home from work drunk. The next day I took her car keys, but when she was sober she guilted me into giving them back by making a promise to go to the doctor for help. This obviously never happened and we didn't speak until, well, now. Last night again, she came home from work drunk. I took her car keys again and promised myself that no matter what she said I wouldn't give them back until she actually GOES to an appointment.

She is just so angry at everyone, and distracts from the real issue by blaming everyone else. She says she wouldn't drink if we helped her more around the house, or if work wasn't so stressful. I think she is deeply depressed but I don't know what to do. I have refused to give her car keys back although she has work in the morning and she has shouted and cried. I feel so guilty because she's sober now.

She has promised that her and my dad will go to an appointment together to get help, but I won't believe it until I see it.

edit - I feel like I put this in the wrong place, sorry! Can't find where to delete, been a while since I went on a forum

happybeingme

You are in the right place. I am sorry you are going through this. Your mum sounds as if she has a real problem. Trouble is, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Nothing. Your mum needs to accept in her heart she has a problem and wants to truly get better. Until or unless that happens things won't get better and will probably get worse. Alcoholism is a progressive illness.

I am sorry all of you are going through this. But please stick around and keep sharing. It helps

tromboneliness

(1) These promises are always lies, and (2) no one ever "drives someone to drink." That's the oldest cop-out in the book. A drunk is going to drink, and it's their doing, not someone else's.

That's the bad news. The good news is that Al-Anon is a big help at getting a handle on how to (not) respond, and how to improve your own state of mind; and, interestingly, the family situation, "whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not," as the Al-Anon verbiage states. I can tell you from experience that this is true -- once we stop playing the alcoholic's games and reacting to their manipulation, things get a lot better, even if they're still sucking it down like there's no tomorrow. It does work!

T

Em93

Thank you both, it's nice to just hear people who know about this stuff, because I can't tell anyone else.

NWGRITS

This is another part of the family disease. You can tell someone and you NEED to. Be it a therapist, your best friend, or the people at Al-Anon. Keeping the family secret just makes us sicker and sicker. You have the classic codependent alcoholic family and something needs to change. It can start with you.

Kialua

The no talk rule surfaces again. Keeping secrets just makes it worse and isolates us. It's never really a secret, everyone knows but they are afraid to talk it about it too.

DesertEyes

No worries, Em93

I have nothing to add to what has already been said, just want to make sure to let you know that you are definetly in the right forum and you are most welcome to post here. Post all you want, as long as you want.

Mike
Moderator, SoberRecovery

allforcnm

I think you are doing the right thing.. a good start would be getting her to see a medical doctor. Often a persons denial is not broken until they are actually forced into seeking help. Medical professionals are trained to help people realize the extent of their alcoholism or addiction. This is what happened with my husband.

I would also suggest you check out a method/program called CRAFT. Community Reinforcement and Family Training. It works to help both you, and your loved one. It emphasizes things like setting boundaries, disabling any enabling, increasing your own coping skills, remaining engaged with your loved one as much as possible so you can use the power of your relationship to help influence things like medical care. It focuses on positive reinforcements, communication, etc.. It also has proven results in encouraging our loved ones to seek treatment of their own free will.

Its what I used with my husband, and I found it very helpful.

I wish you and your mom the best.

FeelingGreat

Hi Em93, can I just say I admire you for making a stand? It should be your father, not you, but he obviously likes a quiet life. You are the only one making sure there are consequences for her drinking, as well as protecting other's on the road.

If you can, stay strong about the car keys. I agree with the others about secrecy; your AM is counting on the family's silence to enable her to keep drinking without outsiders knowing. I hope she does see a doctor because she needs one. That may only be the first step though, so be prepared for the long haul.

Just remember, no circumstances have driven her to drink; she drinks because she's an alcoholic, and pretty far gone too. She doesn't know how to stop, and is intent on protecting her addiction. But the drunk driving is another matter because it endangers others.

I second the suggestion that you find some support. Al-anon would be ideal for you.