FlippedRHalo

I'm worrying myself a bit and hoping this is a normal reaction to having my world flipped upside down.

I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to leave my house. It's almost like I'm frightened to go out into the world? Thankfully I have this time off from work and school, but what is going on? I do go out, but I want to rush back when I'm out. I've gone grocery shopping (had to), to a few Alanon meetings and to my mom's house, but that's about it. My mom's husband said he's worried about me and that I need to slow down? Huh? I feel like I'm going in reverse. He said he can see that my mind is running at 100 mph's and he can see the hurt in my eyes. Ugh.

I've had friends invite me to do things and even had friends that wanted to come over, but I just don't want anything. I don't want to be alone, yet I don't want to be around anyone except my little girl right now. Is this bad? Is this normal? We've been apart for just over a month now. The shock is wearing off and the emotions I'm feeling are so all over the place. One minute I'm strong and don't need him, the next minute I'm broken into pieces over it all, then I'm worrying about him to the point of it making me physically ill, then I'm telling myself that it's truly his loss and this is what he chose, then I feel pity for him and try to forgive him because I know he can't help himself and on, and on, and on....all within a days (sometimes hours) time.

I don't know why I've always gotten over other relationships with relative ease. I think I just forced myself to turn cold and not think. For some reason, it feels impossible to do that this time although I wish I could and feel like I can turn the feelings "off" sometimes, but then they're back.

I just feel like I'm all over the d*mn place and have no idea what is normal and what isn't. I'm terrified to get depressed and don't really feel "depressed", but feel awful, confused, hurt, and like I'm just bouncing all over with emotions.

I do have an appointment with a therapist on Wednesday - which scares me, because I know I have a whole lot of work ahead of me and my relationship, and subsequent break-up, with ex-fiance is just the tip of the iceberg.

All of these thoughts and emotions keep popping into my head and my first instinct is to squash them no matter what it takes, but I know that isn't the answer either. I'm trying to feel them as they come, but they keep coming and they're paralyzing in a way. I don't know if I'm processing them or running from them. I know nothing about this healing thing...I don't think I've truly ever "healed" from anything before. Honestly. I just ran, distracted, pushed away, shut down, and did anything and everything to not feel feelings because they're so damn uncomfortable for me.

Wow. Describing that just felt like I was describing the alcoholics/addicts in my life. WTH?

CodeJob

Is this a PTSD symptom? Talk to counselor.

I'm an introvert. I have to really a lot of time alone to even function....

amy55

Is this normal? Yes. You are suffering through a traumatic period of your life.

I could have written exactly what you wrote. The constant thinking, mind spinning out of control, going 100 mph. I did this.

I question myself sometimes why I didn't get like this when I got rid of ex #1. That one didn't hurt me emotionally. He didn't put me down, or degrade me. He cheated, he lied, he was out.

Now ex #2. He emotionally wore me out. While with him I always had questions as to how to say what and in what way, that he wouldn't be upset. I was walking on eggshells. Always thinking, always second guessing. Afraid to go to my own mailbox because someone might see the shame I had written all over my face.

What was the difference there? I think it was because I got my own closure from the first. It was something I could see, something I could understand. When I think about the second, it was not something that I could really see. It just wasn't believable. It was like he put this thing ahead of me, (in my case PD, in your case a bottle) and it just seems so unreal. So incomprehensible, that it leaves our minds spinning out of control.

So really, just wanted you to know, that what you are going through, others have been there also. You aren't alone.

Now what to do about it? Each individual person has different ways to do this.

I see you also are talking about forgiving. Don't forgive him for him, forgive him for you, so that you can let go of the anger, the confusion. Accept him for who he is, then let him go.

I really am just "winging" this right now, trying to think what I needed for the moment that you are at now. I think the biggest thing was to accept, "Acceptance". Know when to let go, and know when you have no control over him. He is who he is, and he will do what he wants, and he told you that.

No more words in your head for you to try to explain better to him. You did all that already. He didn't hear you, he didn't want to.

Talking things out, and posting whatever you need to post, and responding to others, while looking at their situations, will help you a lot at looking at yours and your solutions.

I remember many times responding to someones post, thinking to myself, that person sounds just like me, and I look at my response and say, damn why didn't I use that.

You know the old saying, "Take my advice please, because I'm not using it".

Sorry if this post is disjointed. I really had no idea of what I wanted to say. I just kept typing, so that you know that you are not alone.

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy

PS - I wanted to acknowledge that your feelings are normal, I felt them, but sometimes we need help to work through them. I was diagnosed with PTSD, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, and depression.

FlippedRHalo

PTSD from the break-up? Can that happen? He was never abusive to me physically, or really even verbally. Besides his profuse apologies, followed by trying to turn it around on me, then back to pouring his heart out apologizing and back and forth, I don't think anything in the relationship would have caused something that extreme. Could a break-up cause that? I don't even know to be honest.

Maybe the feelings that the break-up are intensifying and bringing to the surface that I don't want at the surface like my childhood abandonment issues, living with my depressed alcoholic/addicted mother and abusive alcoholic adopted father, and all of the other horrendous things from my childhood? Jeez, I don't know.

Introvert...hmmm. I think I was always an extrovert, but definitely feel that's changed over the years. Maybe. I do need my down time to recharge, but not sure if this is just me trying to get my head together after everything that's transpired, which could be normal, or if I'm isolating, which might not be normal?

This is so much to deal with sometimes. Normally when I'm completely overwhelmed, I sleep to get away from it, but I'm not really doing that. I mean I'm sleeping more because I've had time off to do so, but I'm not sleeping all day or anything and am going to bed at a semi-normal time.

Guess this might be something to bring up with my counselor. Why does this have to be so hard! I just want to be over it all already!

lillamy

A therapist friend of mine said that a good therapist will help you let through as much emotion as you can deal with at any given time. So I think it's a good thing you've got a date with one. You sound completely overwhelmed, and while I understand the not wanting to leave the house (you feel out of control, you want to be in control), I'm glad you have plans to talk to someone.

I found that a therapist helped me sort things through, put them in "boxes" in my mind, decide which boxes to deal with NOW and which boxes I could put in storage, so to speak. I think most of all, she gave me permission to NOT feel functional all the time; to take days when I stayed in bed and watched Netflix all day.

(((hugs)))

LemonGirl

It is totally normal. And you are allowed to feel this way. Keep letting it come.

But at some point, know that all of it may not have an answer. It is what it is. No amount of thinking will relieve it, but instead will make you relive it. Today. Assess just today. Today is all you have to worry about.

FlippedRHalo

Thanks Amy. Your post made perfect sense to me. Every bit of it.

I think you're right about breaking up with this type of person leaving your head utterly spinning. It's so impossible to make sense of it and being the person I am, I'm having a hard time letting go of trying to make sense of what makes no sense. This is SO extremely hard for me. I need to make sense of things. I'll turn them over, uncover them, turn them around and just keep going until I can make some type of sense of it. This situation, I can't. I've tried and I keep trying, but there is no sense to be made and I think I'm stuck in this spot, still trying to spin it all around in every which way to make some sense of it.

I'm also having a hard time letting him go. Not so much him as in him in the "us"...I don't want us back, truly, I know it would just destroy me more, but him, as in his soul. Like I feel that I NEED to help him save his soul and how can I give up on him when he's a sick disaster. Control, I know. Let go, I know. Intellectually, I know I must. Figuring out how, that's another story. I have this horrible guilt that I'm walking out on him when he needs me the most, even thought I told him I'd stand by him 110% if he went for help and he chose to leave instead. Why can't I make peace with the fact that I can not help him? Why can't I be ok with letting him go out on his own to make his own mistakes and face his own consequences. I think because I look at him like a wounded, sick little boy that I want to help. I'm not looking at him like the grown man he is, but as some little desperate child that doesn't realize what he's doing to himself and that needs me to fix it all. Kind of sick I guess? Ugh.

This is such a miserable process. Thank you Amy. Writing it out and reading responses really does help me put it all in its place. Now, to learn to leave it in it's place and stop picking it back up and playing with it again.

This is so hard. I can't believe this one relationship has my mind so messy. They can certainly do a number on us.

amy55

I think what messed me up the most, was when we would "discuss?" things, I was seeing him as a child that was sort of lost. That is what his eyes told me. I always felt so guilty leaving that child, but then there was that other side, that turned everything back on me and blamed me, and I just felt like I should have tried harder.

I did, but I lost that fight, and won back my life.

((((((((hugs))))))))))
amy

dandylion

FlippedRHalo....as I said to you yesteday......yes, this is normal for the grieving process. One month in is very early in the grief...you are still in the acute phase....barely out of the shock. You are o.k. This takes time....

I do want to say that I am so glad that you have your therapy set up...because, as painful as what you are going through is....getting all the support you can is the best thing you can do.
The thing about grief is that all of the other losses that, perhaps, were not processed at the time, can bubble to the surface....it is like stored feelings just waiting for the right time to emerge.

You re not going crazy---you are hurting..and, I think hurting "scares" you a l ittle.
Honestly, I think that after you see the therapist...you will start to feel more reassured.
I believe that you can start to feel better--in jumps and starts--over the next few weeks to months.

You will get lots of help from others, here, as they share the things that helped them through this, admittedly, difficult period.

As I shared with you, before....I was a blubbering hot mess at the stage you are in.

dandylion

I think that is normal to have compassion for others. To feel emotions for other peoples pain. this is what empathy is all about. This makes us human. I wonder if you are not seeing him as a hurting little desperate boy...as a way of identifying with your feelings from childhood when you might have been hurting.
I know that I have felt that way...sometimes....

Cleo1234

Yes, i was the same way! Im almost 5 months out now but for the first 3 months all i wanted to do was be alone at home with my thoughts. I didn't want anyone trying to cheer me up and i didn't want company. When i felt i couldn't take the pain any longer, i started seeing a therapist.. which helped, but time has helped more and the realization that I'm so much better off this way!

dandylion

Cleo....I am so glad that you brought up this point. When we are grieving..we really resent people trying to "cheer" us up. It makes people angry if we try to take away their pain/
I remember this so clearly when my husband died.
We need the comfort of others being present and offering support---but to try to get us "cheerful" is like denying us our natural feelings (that we need).
I learned from the grief workers that grief is still a connection to the loved one or the loss and we will let go of the grief ONLY when we have healed enough to be able to do so.
I wish everyone knew to never try to take away another's grief...LOL!

***I have noticed how well funeral home personnel are able to honor grief and still offer comfort. They are so skilled.....

dandylion

freetosmile

Coming from the background that I came from (which most of you know about) I think ALL these feelings are very normal and very healthy.

When I first started going to counseling one on one about 8 months ago, I realized a few things.

1. ALL the sh1t that I *thought* I had "gotten over" (now this is from my childhood and ex), I had NOT gotten over. The memories would come back in waves and I would be overcome with anger, sadness, and....well almost shock. I had always shoved this crap in the back of my mind and thought "well we have all had screwed up childhoods, get over it and move on". The more I learn, the more I realize this is a really foolish way of thinking! I have been absorbing and LEARNING from my horrible mother since birth and subjected to her abuse (really awful abuse) for 15 years after birth. I slowly began to realize that no, I was not ok. I needed time to actually heal and really work this through. A lot of people who don't really "get it" think therapy is for wimps....no effing way! Therapy is HARD WORK! The wimps are the ones sitting at bar blaming everyone and everything for their misfortunes.

2. Time time time. There is a time for everything and there will be a *time* when you WILL be ready to get back out there. DON'T FORCE IT! Just live in THIS moment. Enjoy your daughter. Don't feel bad about turning down invites to go out. You will know when your ready. Trust that instinct.

3. Love love love! Love yourself during this grieving time. This BY FAR is the most important lesson of all. And once *we* TRULY grasp this, we will be ready to strike out and pave our path with the *world*. Right now we just need to pave the path to self-love.

You have been doing so great and I admire you so much. I can only hope to be as strong as you have been.

hang in there and just keep fighting. You are doing so great. This will pass. Don't forget that EVERYONE who knows ANYTHING about this stuff keeps telling us that it WILL get better. I believe them.

Soberintexas007

Sounds like you are having the normal emotions of a breakup from someone you felt really close to. I think I would experience the same emotions you are feeling right now if I broke up with my AH, which is why I am doing everything possible to keep it going.

shil2587

(((((Hugs)))))

Stop. Whatever you are doing, stop.
Breathe in deeply a few times.

I was exactly where you are now, last year. It took me 6 months before I even genuinely smiled again. But that's OK. I found listening to guided mindfulness meditation a wonderful relief. At first only for the duration of the meditation and then it started to last for a few hours.

In your post I get the sense that you think deeply about things, but that at the moment you are so worried about whether you are being normal, or trying to analyse yourself, that you are adding more stress to your plate.

Stop. Again.
Breathe.

You don't need to worry about anything right now. It's a painful enough experience without trying to analyse yourself. Let your mind and your body relax and feel without adding guilt.

Try the meditation, honestly, it was the only thing that really gave relief.

Now stop and breathe again. It's OK to go slow. It's OK to do and be he exactly what you need to do and be right now.

It does get better. It might take a year, but I promise, it gets easier to breathe and function.
((((((Hugs))))))

Butterfly

Yes it is absolutely normal for you to feel this way, as dandylion said you are only out of the relationship one month, I was a mess for quite a while when my ex left me and it's only recently I have began to have some clarity in my own thoughts, counselling definitely helped and realising that no contact was the way to go.

Thoughts going 100mph - normal, your trying to process everything that has happened and questioning everything, try journaling get your thoughts onto paper then take one at a time with the help of your therapist you will slowly make sense of everything. I highly recommend this. Also go for long walks and use dandylions wailing wall, shout and scream say everything you need to say out loud and cry until you can't say or cry anymore, this is so helpful and I have used it many times and feel so peaceful after!!

Wanting to be on your own - normal your giving yourself time to grieve to try and process the trauma you have been through. I have isolated myself for 10 months, refusing to go out slowly I began to meet friends for lunch or coffee and I'm now going out for the evening next sat the first time in 6 months. I wasn't ready before, and I didn't force myself I took things at my own pace, I feel ready now to face the world.

Give yourself time you are grieving, be gentle on yourself your very early in the grieving process, I could have wrote the same post and probably did. You have been through a very traumatic experience you were in a relationship with an addict and you have now left your world has been turned upside down, it will get easier in time I promise you. One day at a time or one minute ata time whatever gets you through the day

((((((Hugs))))))

NotSoSmart

What I found after my relationship ended was that I had spent so much time invested in her and fixing us, that I sorely neglected myself. I was so hooked into someone else that once that person was gone, I didn't know what to do with myself or my feelings. The only one left was me and I did NOT want to deal with that LOL.

I understand the tempation to isolate, especially if you're depressed, or just freaked out by the world. I would suggest though that you poke your head out a little. Spend some time with safe people in short doses, like AlAnon friends. consider going to coffee before or after a meeting. If that's too much hang out 15 min after the meeting just to chat. I used to do the disappearing act right after the meeting b/c of social anxiety; now I hang out a little, if I find someone to talk with great, if not, or if I feel weird, I leave.

These relationships with A's really take a toll on our self esteem, self worth, etc. We wrap ourselves tightly into them and their issues, leaving nothing left for us. You're building yourself back, one brick at a time.

FlippedRHalo

I can't thank you all enough for your heartfelt responses. I was really starting to panic that something was going very wrong with the way I'm processing all of this.

I've beaten myself up so much about not being able to help my ex see that there was a better way and now I'm beating myself up that I'm not healing fast enough.

Free, you're so right... I'm analyzing the life out of myself right now and I need to stop and take a step back. I'm so programmed to run at top speed and NOT think about things that I'm at a loss about how all of this works.

Shil, I do think deeply -- sometimes way too deeply. I feel deeply too, which is sometimes my biggest down fall. I feel deeply for others though, not so much for myself. I can not stand to see someone hurting or in pain. I can literally feel their pain within myself. Or if I do feel my own feelings about ME, I push it away as fast as I can and dive into something so as to not have to think about my feelings about me. That needs to stop, I know, but I don't know how to do this. Hopefully my therapist will help me.

I KNOW a lot of these crazy emotions are feelings from my childhood and young adult life that I've never dealt with. I KNOW I don't want, nor deserve, the life that I would have had with him. The reason I gave the ultimatum I did was because if he wasn't going to get it together and want more along with me, I wasn't going to stay stuck in the mud with him and fall down the dark hole alongside of him. I tried so hard to pull him out, but, as it stands, he wants to stay in that hole and although it's hard, I need to find a way to accept that.

I want so much more for myself and my child and if I have to get there alone, I will. But there is this great divide I'm looking at and I don't know how to get from this side over to that side. I don't know how to get over or around that big gaping hole in between. I think what I need to do is stop trying to find my way around or over it and walk through it. That terrifies me because in that big hole are a whole lot of feelings that I've kept well hidden from myself (and probably not nearly as well as I've thought).

Dandy... I hate to admit it, but you're right, I'm sure. I've always wondered why it affects me so deeply and detrimentally to see someone else suffer. I HAVE to fix it for them. It's a pull in me so strong that it's hard to fight it. I will put my entire life on hold to help someone else, yet, who am I to do that when apparently I can't even fix myself at this moment. But, maybe, just maybe I'm getting a little better in realizing that I can't do that. At least I did throw in the towel this time because I saw that nothing was going to change. I didn't want to accept that, but I did enough to throw the choice out there to him and when he made the decision to leave and keep drinking, I let him walk away. I haven't contacted him at all and haven't replied to his attempts to contact me, but it was hardest thing to do. Maybe the part of me that knows it won't change is getting a little stronger then the part of me that has to fight till the death to try to MAKE it change? A little acceptance, possibly?

I need to give myself permission to grieve.... it's so hard. I'm still trying to fight it. You'd think that grieving would be one of the most natural things to do, yet, I don't even really know how to because I've fought any aspect of grieving since I was a young child.

As much as I've been hating the fact that I've been off of school for winter break and can not wait for next semester to begin, maybe this was a good thing. If I still had class, I'd be throwing myself into it 1000% to not have to think or feel. With it being winter break, I've had no choice except to sit and deal with it all.

maia1234

FRH- Isn't it cool to see that you are "ok" with all that you have been doing and feeling. I think the advise above is amazing.

In My opinion, think of the moment, right now. Then if tonight you are feeling good, go with our friends and do something. Don't worry about anything that doesn't matter right now. This way you can get through!!

You are doing great!!

dandylion

Flipped...on the empathy thing. You are right that it is healthy, at baseline. Thank god that you are like that...otherwise you might be a raging sociopath! Without the ability to empathize we would be as extinct as the dinasoaurs as a species.
I think your self-assessment is actually correct--from where I sit, anyway---that a part of you does recognize that there is a limit to the extreme.
I see it as self-preservation or self-defense.
To me...empathy is great...until it causes a person to abuse their own self or neglect their own basic needs. Because you are injuring your self for the benefit of another.
That means that you value yourself as less than the other. (your life and happiness means less). That just ain't right!
If you perish in the act of helping someone who does not want it--doesn't need it--and will not benefit from it.....who have you saved? (no one. not them/not you).

Perhaps your raising served to somehow give you the message that you were not valuable as everyone else. I know that happened to a LOT of us. As adults we often have to heal the damage that was done to us when we were young and vulnerable and helpless. (providing a living for a lot of therapists...LOL!).

I really do believe that when you get a true perspective on your own value---you will be able to judge where you need to protect your own needs.

You aren't permanently Fxxxxx up, by any means. Just need a little adjusting in some areas, maybe....

dandylion

LemonGirl

I'm with Dandy on this one. I am overly empathetic and I can FEEL someone else's pain. I was thinking about this just yesterday, in fact.
On some spiritual level I imagine that another's pain is actually seeping into my energy field. I adopt it. I become it. It is easier to deal with someone else's pain instead of my own...

I did a lot of soul searching recently, observing myself... in particular how I lose myself in these relationships. I found that I have a hard time being an individual. To just be me. I guess that's self love? And maybe acceptance that I am alone and that's okay?
Anyway, all that time spent alone might be a good time to be your own best friend. I want to be a whole person next time so that my partner is also a whole person. Right? No more merging myself with someone else.