freetosmile

This past week has been a true blessing for me. AH has stopped calling 5 times a day. Our evening conversations have been pleasant. He sounds "different". I don't know how. He said he had an "ah ha" moment.

Sooooo....I prayed for calm. I begged for calm, I cried and screamed for calm. This is pretty damn calm and I'm LOOKING for a problem. YIKES! I mean, I'm hunting. I've been obsessing over my health but I'm pretty sure I found the cancer.......... (it's called codependency).

I am recognizing that this (trying to find a crisis) is really unhealthy. And while I'm *enjoying* the calm, I'm still uncomfortable in the calm. I don't know how to embrace it, thrive in it, and grow in it. Kind of sad actually.

Shutterbug1

I used to struggle with anxiety during the "good times" and I was hyper alert, always looking for the next storm. I think in my case it was because there always was another storm coming and deep down I knew I was in the "calm before the storm" but was trying to be hopeful and optimistic. The cycle of abuse. I don't know the details of your story so I don't know if this applies, but this is how it was in my case.

Anyway, it must be a huge relief to not be getting 5 calls everyday!

Turtle82

This is the point where my sponsor used to tell me not to reach for chaos. Hang in there. It gets better. Its a time of learning what your path to peace is... what's on it and what's not.

NWGRITS

You might benefit from hanging out with us in the Adult Children of Alcoholic/Addicted Parents forum. The only real qualification is to have had a dysfunctional childhood, and I think you fit that easily. We're chaos junkies. It's all we know, and crisis is comforting. That's where we fit in and we know what to do (try to control everyone and everything!). You are definitely NOT alone in looking for a crisis. Many of us will create stress and tension if things are too calm. We don't do serenity well for long.

LexieCat

LOL, yeah, I totally get that. It will take a while before you aren't looking for the chaos, whether he gets sober or you leave. Familiar surroundings are, well, FAMILIAR. We don't know our way yet around this new, unexplored land of Calm.

Carlotta

I can relate to you too.
I once heard someone share at a meeting that he was addicted to chaos far more than he ever was addicted to alcohol and that was me.
I used to feel really ill at ease unless there was some catastrophe in the making.
Have you looked into meditation?
I don't hang out in the ACOA forum but I am one and that s definitely me when I don't work on myself LOL

Hawks

Seems a common theme.

Where there is peace, it's unnerving and uncomfortable.

My sponsor says that it becomes bearable, tolerable, preferable then natural, but it takes time.

(talking about sobriety for us alchies) but I reckon the same situation applies for the wives and partners too.

Take time. Ultimately it's all we have and it goes by so fast if you don't stop to enjoy it

FlippedRHalo

Wow can I relate to this. I hate it, but I'm functioning at my absolute optimum in chaos. I find calm in the storm. Suddenly, in the midst of chaos or crisis, my mind slows down and I'm able to think, function at my highest level and calm everyone around me. Pretty sad, huh? This is why I'm in the medical field and love it - just have to learn to keep it at work and not want it in my personal life. So far, I'm having a hard time managing that separation.

And, while I'm great IN the crisis, the aftermath and ensuing calm after the initial chaos is what destroys me. I'm exhausted, my mind is a mess and my brain just won't ever shut up, or shut down.

Dealing with the extreme calm and loss of chaos and crisis after this breakup has proven to be very difficult for me to handle. I have no idea what to do with it and it terrifies me to have things this calm and quiet. I have to force myself through it or I think I could easily sink into a serious depression.

You're so not alone on this one!

AnvilheadII

a common theme among the very recently sober is the complaint of BOREDOM. I think on our side it's similar - only we call it QUIET. our "normal" has been about going from crisis to crisis.....and revolving around a hurricane of chaos and predictable uncertainty.

anyone who has been out to sea for a long time struggles to get their land legs back. they've adapted to being on an everchanging sea, with high winds and swell, and the ship pitching and rocking. stepping on to dry land that doesn't move causes them to feel sick, out of sorts and wobbly.

you're getting your PEACE/land legs under you. but your body and mind are still prepped for 16 foot swells!

freetosmile

Well it's good to hear that I'm not alone in this. But I'm not just waiting or looking for crisis with AH. I'm sniffing it out ANYWHERE!! Lol...its ridiculous! But I think I'm going to practice a reacting technique recommended from my T. It's called WAIT: Why Am I Talking. Which *should* in theory allow me to stop my reaction patterns ling enough to recognize that it is NOT a crisis and I don't need to react without taking due processing time.

kind of a funny mnemonic for me (I can talk the ears off an elephant). Ha!