False intimacy with the A
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 348
False intimacy with the A
One of the biggest reasons I could not leave my A (he left me) was because of "intimacy." I know you can't have any true level of intimacy with someone who is aloof, intoxicated and selfish BUT there were many, many times over the course of 5 years that he was loving, caring, affectionate, intimate. We had intense chemistry and a very strong connection in the bedroom. And I am being candid here, I couldn't leave because imagining him sharing that with another woman was too much mental and emotional anguish for me. Too much to handle. Besides, sex always made everything OK again and we felt connected again.
Did anyone experience this as well and as a result have a hard time letting go? I feel like I'm dying tonight...
Did anyone experience this as well and as a result have a hard time letting go? I feel like I'm dying tonight...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 138
Hi Jodie, I hear you on all levels here:
-great intimacy, chemistry and sex
-sex made everything ok and we felt connected again
-him being with someone else in this way does not even bear thinking about
For me this was and is something I still struggle with hugely and I think part of it is that I like the closeness and intimacy and it felt like we were ok when that happened. However if I think about it a little deeper most of the time it seemed like it was on his terms and he would withhold affection (form of abuse) as and when he saw fit which would of course make me feel like **** and make me wonder what's wrong with me and make me try even harder with him and massage his ego.
I've mentioned on here before about occasions when he would go AWOL for days, then I would nurse him back to health through his physical and emotional pain and he would tell me that he needed time to feel comfortable with me again because we hadn't seen each other- when I think of that now I used to be so upset and now I'm like wtf he needed time after just disappearing off drunk, being verbally abusive and I was made to feel like I had abandoned him and should be gentle with him?? No concern for me just him. Anyway maybe I've digressed there but I guess it's an example of how he used intimacy as a weapon with me and made me feel it was me with the problem.
You do say how can you have real intimacy with someone who is aloof intoxicated and selfish and I think the simple answer is- you can't! At least not in the way that we want to experience intimacy. Intimacy and sex IMO should be an extension and make an already healthy and loving relationship even better. It should involve trust and respect for the other parties feelings and when I think back this certainly wasn't the case with my A. How could it be when out of the bedroom he did and said the things he did? Sex is a huge connection with someone and on a scientific level the chemicals involved can make the lack of this connection feel almost like withdrawal from a drug- this could be what you are experiencing.
It's so hard letting go of these men and considering what a$$holes they are I really don't know why, but I know it is. Maybe it's letting go of something we feel we will never have again, but we will. And I know that I would rather have that great connection and intimacy with someone who is truly willing to give it me in and out of the bedroom and show it by the way he behaves towards me with loves, compassion, respect etc, not use it as a weapon and a way for things to be ok again- things should already be ok!
Great sex and intimacy is one thing and yes it's great but without the rest what is it really? I came to a point where I actually felt more used by my A as and when he pleased and sex and intimacy would pacify me and make me feel it's all better because of the emotional connection involved in that too (and the science side). But I don't want that I want the 'real deal' as it were- don't you?
Sorry if I've just rambled I just wanted to share some of my experience and let you know I feel exactly the same. I know it's incredibly hard to think of them with someone else but guess what the next girl isn't a lucky one for this great catch she will have- she too will get all the terrible things that you have experienced too and hopefully like you she will have the strength to leave.
It's no consolation but IMO active alcoholics and narcissists to boot will never actually be truly happy- because fundamentally they can't! But YOU can be happy, and though it may not seem like that right now, you will be again. With a man who deserves you, treats you with love and respect, brings you up not pulls you down- and because of all that I am sure that the intimacy will actually be amazing.
Sending you strength x
-great intimacy, chemistry and sex
-sex made everything ok and we felt connected again
-him being with someone else in this way does not even bear thinking about
For me this was and is something I still struggle with hugely and I think part of it is that I like the closeness and intimacy and it felt like we were ok when that happened. However if I think about it a little deeper most of the time it seemed like it was on his terms and he would withhold affection (form of abuse) as and when he saw fit which would of course make me feel like **** and make me wonder what's wrong with me and make me try even harder with him and massage his ego.
I've mentioned on here before about occasions when he would go AWOL for days, then I would nurse him back to health through his physical and emotional pain and he would tell me that he needed time to feel comfortable with me again because we hadn't seen each other- when I think of that now I used to be so upset and now I'm like wtf he needed time after just disappearing off drunk, being verbally abusive and I was made to feel like I had abandoned him and should be gentle with him?? No concern for me just him. Anyway maybe I've digressed there but I guess it's an example of how he used intimacy as a weapon with me and made me feel it was me with the problem.
You do say how can you have real intimacy with someone who is aloof intoxicated and selfish and I think the simple answer is- you can't! At least not in the way that we want to experience intimacy. Intimacy and sex IMO should be an extension and make an already healthy and loving relationship even better. It should involve trust and respect for the other parties feelings and when I think back this certainly wasn't the case with my A. How could it be when out of the bedroom he did and said the things he did? Sex is a huge connection with someone and on a scientific level the chemicals involved can make the lack of this connection feel almost like withdrawal from a drug- this could be what you are experiencing.
It's so hard letting go of these men and considering what a$$holes they are I really don't know why, but I know it is. Maybe it's letting go of something we feel we will never have again, but we will. And I know that I would rather have that great connection and intimacy with someone who is truly willing to give it me in and out of the bedroom and show it by the way he behaves towards me with loves, compassion, respect etc, not use it as a weapon and a way for things to be ok again- things should already be ok!
Great sex and intimacy is one thing and yes it's great but without the rest what is it really? I came to a point where I actually felt more used by my A as and when he pleased and sex and intimacy would pacify me and make me feel it's all better because of the emotional connection involved in that too (and the science side). But I don't want that I want the 'real deal' as it were- don't you?
Sorry if I've just rambled I just wanted to share some of my experience and let you know I feel exactly the same. I know it's incredibly hard to think of them with someone else but guess what the next girl isn't a lucky one for this great catch she will have- she too will get all the terrible things that you have experienced too and hopefully like you she will have the strength to leave.
It's no consolation but IMO active alcoholics and narcissists to boot will never actually be truly happy- because fundamentally they can't! But YOU can be happy, and though it may not seem like that right now, you will be again. With a man who deserves you, treats you with love and respect, brings you up not pulls you down- and because of all that I am sure that the intimacy will actually be amazing.
Sending you strength x
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Yes I have felt that. My early relationships all revolved around intense chemistry, and I was able to pretend that because I was wanted, I was loved. Because I was wanted, I was good enough. But it was all an illusion. I still wasn't "good enough" for the person to whom it mattered most - me.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I have to say the last year I was with my xh, he struggled In the bedroom. I am not sure if it was to many years of drinking. We very in frequently fooled around at night because he was drinking. So when we did In the am sometimes I didn't even realize he had "finiished". Sort of say.
So towards the end of our marriage, it was not the same. The drinking had taken a toll on "him" also. Another aspect of our marriage hurt by his addictions. This is another thing that makes me feel better when he hooks up with all his drunk biatches, it's not the same as it was. You are not performing the way u did for me. Not sure if he recognized his "issues" but I did. Sad because we did have fun.
I do miss the intimacy of having him in my bed, knowing he was there. That I do miss.
So towards the end of our marriage, it was not the same. The drinking had taken a toll on "him" also. Another aspect of our marriage hurt by his addictions. This is another thing that makes me feel better when he hooks up with all his drunk biatches, it's not the same as it was. You are not performing the way u did for me. Not sure if he recognized his "issues" but I did. Sad because we did have fun.
I do miss the intimacy of having him in my bed, knowing he was there. That I do miss.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
For me, I thought: sex was intimacy. I used it to create a false sense of security in my relationship with AH. I used sex to fix things. If I would just have sex with him tonight, maybe tomorrow he won't be so mean. If I have sex with him tonight and tell him all the reasons why I love him, he won't lay down depressed in his office for 3 days straight and everything will be OK. I'll make it all OK by having sex with him.
Looking back, I didn't even realize that I did this on purpose. I was desperate to keep my marriage alive. I loved him and I thought that was showing love, by giving myself sexually to someone.
Over time, sex became a place where I didn't even feel safe with my spouse. I remember crying myself to sleep at night, wondering why I was upset, why am I crying, what's missing here? I was so clueless. He wasn't drinking (dry for 15 years of our marriage) so I never even thought about alcoholism. I just kept going through the motions and praying that I could keep my head buried in the sand.
What I didn't realize was missing from my life was intimacy. Real intimacy, emotional connectedness.....so all those years when I cried after having the physical act of sex with my husband, I now know that I was missing the final puzzle piece, the one that brought all the others together.
Looking back, I didn't even realize that I did this on purpose. I was desperate to keep my marriage alive. I loved him and I thought that was showing love, by giving myself sexually to someone.
Over time, sex became a place where I didn't even feel safe with my spouse. I remember crying myself to sleep at night, wondering why I was upset, why am I crying, what's missing here? I was so clueless. He wasn't drinking (dry for 15 years of our marriage) so I never even thought about alcoholism. I just kept going through the motions and praying that I could keep my head buried in the sand.
What I didn't realize was missing from my life was intimacy. Real intimacy, emotional connectedness.....so all those years when I cried after having the physical act of sex with my husband, I now know that I was missing the final puzzle piece, the one that brought all the others together.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jodie....I think we all value "hot" sex. We women have a tendency to equate sex with deep emotional caring when we are in a relationship. (I realize these are general statements).
I think that men--in general--have the ability to separate physical sex and emotional caring (more easily).
Yes, for me to think of someone that I loved having sex with another woman was a most repulsive thought!
After my divorce, I eventually began dating a guy at my workplace (I learned to never do that again). After about a year, we were "discussing" whether to make the relationship exclusive or not. He began, I learned, through the grapevine, that he had begun to date a woman from the same workplace.
One day--as I was leaving the building and was preparing to pull out of the parking lot--I saw the two of them getting into his car together. My thought was "OMG he is going to be sleeping with her!"......I had to open my car door and actually vomited onto the cement! It was the first time I had ever felt true jealousy in my life.
I sat there in the car for a long time--kind of stunned--and I can remember thinking: "So this is why jealousy is called the Green-Eyed Monster". It is truly a fierce emotion.
I did get over this guy, though, and realized later that he wasn't really so good in bed, after all (there were MUCH better). It was only my own emotions that made it seem so AT THE TIME.
To me...if the caring shown in the bedroom is not carried forth 24/7 in the relationship...then it is pretty much hollow and worthless.
dandylion
I think that men--in general--have the ability to separate physical sex and emotional caring (more easily).
Yes, for me to think of someone that I loved having sex with another woman was a most repulsive thought!
After my divorce, I eventually began dating a guy at my workplace (I learned to never do that again). After about a year, we were "discussing" whether to make the relationship exclusive or not. He began, I learned, through the grapevine, that he had begun to date a woman from the same workplace.
One day--as I was leaving the building and was preparing to pull out of the parking lot--I saw the two of them getting into his car together. My thought was "OMG he is going to be sleeping with her!"......I had to open my car door and actually vomited onto the cement! It was the first time I had ever felt true jealousy in my life.
I sat there in the car for a long time--kind of stunned--and I can remember thinking: "So this is why jealousy is called the Green-Eyed Monster". It is truly a fierce emotion.
I did get over this guy, though, and realized later that he wasn't really so good in bed, after all (there were MUCH better). It was only my own emotions that made it seem so AT THE TIME.
To me...if the caring shown in the bedroom is not carried forth 24/7 in the relationship...then it is pretty much hollow and worthless.
dandylion
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 537
I can most definitely relate to this. Sex=love to me. And I too would use sex to make myself feel that everything is ok. My RAH and I also had amazing chemistry and I would use this as 'proof' for our uniqueness and special connectedness. One of the things that kept me with him way beyond when I should have left was the thought of hi sharing this with someone else. I couldn't stand that thought.
The irony in all of this?
- he too used sex to feel 'connection' (to himself believe it or not) and he cheated on me!!! All that worry about him being with someone else....after our relationship....turns out he did it whilst we were together!
- in reality, as his disease progressed the sex wasn't so good...but I fooled myself into thinking it still was. When I was being honest with myself I felt it was less about connection and more about him wanting to get his rocks off, keep me partially 'hooked' and my unmet emotional needs.
- now he is recovering...and I've been told it's fairly common, but he has no sex drive at all, and feels quite uncomfortable with it all. He's also on an anti-psychotic that has rendered him impotent. So the irony is that things for the two of us are better than ever, he's doing amazingly well in his recovery, and we are working hard together to reestablish our relationship, and the ONE way we used to be able to experience intimacy has been taken away from us. So it is forcing us to build intimacy without using sex to do it. It's challneging for both of us.
Like the others I am realising that this is actually work for ME to do...I believe I use sex to AVOID real intimacy. So whilst it's a struggle for me not to take our absent sex life personally, it's actually an oddly wrapped package to help me be vulnerable to what intimacy is rurally about.
The irony in all of this?
- he too used sex to feel 'connection' (to himself believe it or not) and he cheated on me!!! All that worry about him being with someone else....after our relationship....turns out he did it whilst we were together!
- in reality, as his disease progressed the sex wasn't so good...but I fooled myself into thinking it still was. When I was being honest with myself I felt it was less about connection and more about him wanting to get his rocks off, keep me partially 'hooked' and my unmet emotional needs.
- now he is recovering...and I've been told it's fairly common, but he has no sex drive at all, and feels quite uncomfortable with it all. He's also on an anti-psychotic that has rendered him impotent. So the irony is that things for the two of us are better than ever, he's doing amazingly well in his recovery, and we are working hard together to reestablish our relationship, and the ONE way we used to be able to experience intimacy has been taken away from us. So it is forcing us to build intimacy without using sex to do it. It's challneging for both of us.
Like the others I am realising that this is actually work for ME to do...I believe I use sex to AVOID real intimacy. So whilst it's a struggle for me not to take our absent sex life personally, it's actually an oddly wrapped package to help me be vulnerable to what intimacy is rurally about.
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