Why do I always feel hurt???
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Why do I always feel hurt???
I have sort of shared my backstory (the short version) but here goes nothing... Six months after the birth of our first daughter my husband began to drink – heavily. He had told me before, when we were dating, how he was a recovering AA and he did the program and who his sponsor was, blah, blah….however; there were plenty of red flags for me. Like the fact that he used pain killers and other prescription drugs to “numb” his pain. When he added the alcohol to that our lives did become unmanageable and spiraled out of control. He was in and out of rehab, never really wanted to make an effort to go to an AA meeting. He lost three jobs over a two year period; we had to claim bankruptcy to save our house and our car. Did it stop him – NOPE, made it even worse. He was so humiliated over the entire ordeal that he was at his wits end. I was working really hard to find a way to leave. Oddly enough his sister offered him the opportunity to move to another state. “Make a fresh start” and help to “clear his head”. I prayed and prayed he would leave – this was my open door. Well – he did leave. In a week or two he found a decent job and he delivered pizza as well. All of his paychecks were direct deposit into our joint bank account back home. I still manned all the bills we had – I’d say it was a pretty good deal. He was gone but still contributing and I could rebuild my life. Then decision time came…he asked me to move. Did I want to go?? He was still drinking – no longer a gallon of whiskey a day, just beer. A six pack a night if I remember. My gut wrenched at the thought of reliving the three years before he moved. I just wanted to be a family. I talked to my sponsor, came clean about him still drinking and she said the choice was mine. I had to pray about it, but in the end – I did it, we moved.
Oh my – it was so hard when we moved! I am hours away from family and friends but thought this was the best way for all of us to start fresh. I had over three years of Al-Anon under my belt and some phone numbers for local folks so I just knew this was going to be fantastic. I was going to give this my best shot! Well it became very clear to me that his sister, the very one that came to us and told us this move would be good for him, was not very happy about me or our daughter being her. Oh, she put on a really good show but I could feel the tension. She was the one to call me and tell me (before the more) that he was still drinking. I found out that she made the comment to my AH “Why would you want them to move here?”. It ticked him off and he told her he loved me and our daughter and wanted us to be here, together, as a family. To start over. Needless to say, over a period of time, although we tried, the relationship between him and sister dissolved. (Long story – will share that another time).
Fast forward to 2014 – we now have another beautiful daughter, a home, several animals, we both work, both making a pretty decent living. Nothing is “unmanageable”, not like the turmoil we came from. BUT – he is still drinking beer and at times whiskey. And there is the problem – it is not the beer, it is the whiskey that turns my nerves. I find the tiny bottles everywhere. He has admitted time and again that he needs help and he is tired of it but he won’t get help. He knows what AA is all about, he has been there done that several times. Right before Christmas I found his stash under the couch cushion. Right then I moved it – which is huge progress because I used to just throw them out which meant he went out and bought more. I did tell him I moved it and that I found it but then my co- dependency went into overdrive. I was totally hurt all day long. Why was I hurt? I just don’t understand why I was so hurt? He is hurting himself and that is exactly what he told me…”I am not hurting anyone, I am not abusive, I am not out of control, I put you and the kids first” That last comment was a little hard to take. I think (or thought) he was hurting us, but he is really just hurting himself, so why am I so let down. After the New Year, and I after I joined the SR group, I found the rest of his stash under the couch. This time I put a note in the bag that simply stated “If you think you got this, then you are wrong”. I know, I know but it was in the heat of the moment and I didn’t move it or throw it out – that is pretty big for me. I just cannot wrap my brain around why I become so hurt and disappointed when things are really not unmanageable. We have been in really dark places in our marriage but not right now. Home life is, well, normal – whatever that is. Like normal, he totally participates in everything and actually does things most men would not (like grocery shopping). I know I can be one of his “triggers” and I hate that I get so disappointed and hurt when I find the whiskey.
Sorry if this is so rambled but I just needed to share……
Oh my – it was so hard when we moved! I am hours away from family and friends but thought this was the best way for all of us to start fresh. I had over three years of Al-Anon under my belt and some phone numbers for local folks so I just knew this was going to be fantastic. I was going to give this my best shot! Well it became very clear to me that his sister, the very one that came to us and told us this move would be good for him, was not very happy about me or our daughter being her. Oh, she put on a really good show but I could feel the tension. She was the one to call me and tell me (before the more) that he was still drinking. I found out that she made the comment to my AH “Why would you want them to move here?”. It ticked him off and he told her he loved me and our daughter and wanted us to be here, together, as a family. To start over. Needless to say, over a period of time, although we tried, the relationship between him and sister dissolved. (Long story – will share that another time).
Fast forward to 2014 – we now have another beautiful daughter, a home, several animals, we both work, both making a pretty decent living. Nothing is “unmanageable”, not like the turmoil we came from. BUT – he is still drinking beer and at times whiskey. And there is the problem – it is not the beer, it is the whiskey that turns my nerves. I find the tiny bottles everywhere. He has admitted time and again that he needs help and he is tired of it but he won’t get help. He knows what AA is all about, he has been there done that several times. Right before Christmas I found his stash under the couch cushion. Right then I moved it – which is huge progress because I used to just throw them out which meant he went out and bought more. I did tell him I moved it and that I found it but then my co- dependency went into overdrive. I was totally hurt all day long. Why was I hurt? I just don’t understand why I was so hurt? He is hurting himself and that is exactly what he told me…”I am not hurting anyone, I am not abusive, I am not out of control, I put you and the kids first” That last comment was a little hard to take. I think (or thought) he was hurting us, but he is really just hurting himself, so why am I so let down. After the New Year, and I after I joined the SR group, I found the rest of his stash under the couch. This time I put a note in the bag that simply stated “If you think you got this, then you are wrong”. I know, I know but it was in the heat of the moment and I didn’t move it or throw it out – that is pretty big for me. I just cannot wrap my brain around why I become so hurt and disappointed when things are really not unmanageable. We have been in really dark places in our marriage but not right now. Home life is, well, normal – whatever that is. Like normal, he totally participates in everything and actually does things most men would not (like grocery shopping). I know I can be one of his “triggers” and I hate that I get so disappointed and hurt when I find the whiskey.
Sorry if this is so rambled but I just needed to share……
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry. I remember it was a big eye opener for me when I started finding my XAH's whiskey bottles. Ugh. And you can bet what you are finding is the tip of the iceberg I am sorry to say.
I got to a point that I did not even address it anymore. If I found anything I would put them on the kitchen table. There was not much that needed to be said. I continued getting help from a therapist and support from here at SR and Celebrate Recovery. I continued to work so I knew that no matter what happened I would be strong enough to handle it. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. They don't get help just because you want them to, he would have to do it b/c he truly wants to be sober and to put in the work to get himself sober.
ps..When the big progress comes is when you stop looking for his bottles!
Hugs.
I got to a point that I did not even address it anymore. If I found anything I would put them on the kitchen table. There was not much that needed to be said. I continued getting help from a therapist and support from here at SR and Celebrate Recovery. I continued to work so I knew that no matter what happened I would be strong enough to handle it. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. They don't get help just because you want them to, he would have to do it b/c he truly wants to be sober and to put in the work to get himself sober.
ps..When the big progress comes is when you stop looking for his bottles!
Hugs.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hey,
First of all -- when I read your story, I don't agree with your husband's statement that "I am not hurting anyone, I am not abusive, I am not out of control, I put you and the kids first." He is hurting you. His drinking is hurting you. Running around looking for your husband's stash of bottles isn't really normal behavior. (It's normal when you're married to an alcoholic, but it's still a little crazy -- but we tend to lose that perspective when we've dealt with an alcoholic in the house for a while...)
Why are you hurt? Well... I don't know. I can tell you that even before my AXH started becoming really abusive, I didn't have a good marriage because of his drinking. I was hurt because a lot of the time when I wanted companionship, or help, or just a husband in general, he was drunk. I also said the kind of things you do -- "he even gets groceries" -- well, hell, from where I'm sitting now, that's a pretty low standard don't you think?
His drinking is hurting you -- you're saying it. He's saying his drinking isn't. Which means he's putting his thoughts into your head. He's telling you how it is. That's not OK in my book. In a normal relationship, if you do something that hurts your spouse, you are concerned about them. You discuss the issue. You may say "if that hurts you, I won't do it anymore." You most definitely don't say "My behavior isn't hurting you" (meaning "Your feelings are WRONG.")
So I think you have good reason to feel hurt.
When my 9-year-old came to me and said "Dad says he drinks because me and my siblings fight" I asked her "Do you really think you are making your dad drink?" and she said "Yes, that's what he says."
I asked her if she had ever held a gun to his head and forced him to drink. Or if she had gotten a funnel out and poured liquor down it.
That's making someone drink.
Being upset because someone drinks isn't "making them drink" -- except in the mind of an alcoholic.
I'm hearing a lot of my AXH in your husband. I was also told I had it so good, I had no reason to complain, he was a great husband, there were guys out there who were so much worse. It's hard to hear your own voice, your own feelings, when you constantly get told they're wrong.
And I call that abuse.
First of all -- when I read your story, I don't agree with your husband's statement that "I am not hurting anyone, I am not abusive, I am not out of control, I put you and the kids first." He is hurting you. His drinking is hurting you. Running around looking for your husband's stash of bottles isn't really normal behavior. (It's normal when you're married to an alcoholic, but it's still a little crazy -- but we tend to lose that perspective when we've dealt with an alcoholic in the house for a while...)
Why are you hurt? Well... I don't know. I can tell you that even before my AXH started becoming really abusive, I didn't have a good marriage because of his drinking. I was hurt because a lot of the time when I wanted companionship, or help, or just a husband in general, he was drunk. I also said the kind of things you do -- "he even gets groceries" -- well, hell, from where I'm sitting now, that's a pretty low standard don't you think?
His drinking is hurting you -- you're saying it. He's saying his drinking isn't. Which means he's putting his thoughts into your head. He's telling you how it is. That's not OK in my book. In a normal relationship, if you do something that hurts your spouse, you are concerned about them. You discuss the issue. You may say "if that hurts you, I won't do it anymore." You most definitely don't say "My behavior isn't hurting you" (meaning "Your feelings are WRONG.")
So I think you have good reason to feel hurt.
I know I can be one of his “triggers”
I asked her if she had ever held a gun to his head and forced him to drink. Or if she had gotten a funnel out and poured liquor down it.
That's making someone drink.
Being upset because someone drinks isn't "making them drink" -- except in the mind of an alcoholic.
I'm hearing a lot of my AXH in your husband. I was also told I had it so good, I had no reason to complain, he was a great husband, there were guys out there who were so much worse. It's hard to hear your own voice, your own feelings, when you constantly get told they're wrong.
And I call that abuse.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Thanks for sharing. I don't know your backstory. I know you're hurting at the hands of an alcoholic. You wrote a few things that really resonated with me for 1 reason or another and I wanted to explore those a bit. After alot of hard work certain slogan's have stuck. "Let it begin with me" is one of my favorites.
Have you been going to Alanon? All this looking around and leaving notes just smacks of control, which you know you can't.
1. - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Take what you want. Leave the rest.
Have you been going to Alanon? All this looking around and leaving notes just smacks of control, which you know you can't.
1. - We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.
Take what you want. Leave the rest.
Originally Posted by knowthetriggers 
...I had over three years of Al-Anon under my belt and some phone numbers for local folks so I just knew this was going to be fantastic...
Did you do this or did I miss something?
...Right before Christmas I found his stash under the couch cushion. Right then I moved it – which is huge progress because I used to just throw them out which meant he went out and bought more.
Doesn't matter if you're moving, throwing, putting salt in it or donating it. The behavior on your part hasn't changed.
...after I joined the SR group, I found the rest of his stash under the couch.
Perhaps he just bought more like he used to when you'd throw it out? I'm pointing to this because above you said you made huge progress but the end result is the same. The booze is still there, you're still looking and you're still finding. I'm sorry but that's not progress.
...This time I put a note in the bag that simply stated “If you think you got this, then you are wrong”. I know, I know but it was in the heat of the moment and I didn’t move it or throw it out – that is pretty big for me.
I used to get very upset and do things like this in the heat of the moment. Never served me any serenity. I just turned up the volume on a blaring issue. In the end, I've come to realize the role I played and it's a hard one to look at sometimes.
Did you do this or did I miss something?
...Right before Christmas I found his stash under the couch cushion. Right then I moved it – which is huge progress because I used to just throw them out which meant he went out and bought more.
Doesn't matter if you're moving, throwing, putting salt in it or donating it. The behavior on your part hasn't changed.
...after I joined the SR group, I found the rest of his stash under the couch.
Perhaps he just bought more like he used to when you'd throw it out? I'm pointing to this because above you said you made huge progress but the end result is the same. The booze is still there, you're still looking and you're still finding. I'm sorry but that's not progress.
...This time I put a note in the bag that simply stated “If you think you got this, then you are wrong”. I know, I know but it was in the heat of the moment and I didn’t move it or throw it out – that is pretty big for me.
I used to get very upset and do things like this in the heat of the moment. Never served me any serenity. I just turned up the volume on a blaring issue. In the end, I've come to realize the role I played and it's a hard one to look at sometimes.
Sober Alcoholic
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: northern AZ
Posts: 796
Of course you're hurt. Fear hurts. You're afraid for your children's, your and his future. You aren't afraid of the present which looks good but of the future and where you believe it will possibly and/or probably go. If you say anything to him surrounding his drinking that's what it should be in my opinion. When we're in a relationship, unfortunately or fortunately, for better or worse, what happens in their lives does affect us. My husband almost died 4 years ago and we live with his medical condition that left. Has my life changed because something happened to him? Yes, and it happened one Sunday morning at 7am... to say our lives (my life) changed in an instant. So, I'm trying to say... alcoholism, AA, Alanon... sometimes all the lingo bypasses normal, healthy, emotions that happen without any of that. Its just life. We affect each other by the choices we make. He could be a mountain climber or race car driver or a doctor without borders in Africa. You're in fear. If you're a spiritual person with a HP, all I can suggest is what I have to do with the fear I get in with my husband's condition.... pray and in that praying ask for the strength to keep remembering that He will be there for you and to help you to keep drawing close to Him and then try to let the worry go, one day at a time if you have to, knowing He has heard you and is there and will be always. Trust. ((((hugs)))) I'm sorry, if you're not, I don't mean to offend. Its just all I know to do.
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Join Date: Jan 2015
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Let me make this part clear. I do not look for the whiskey..I said I find the whiskey around the house. I stopped searching for this years ago. He hides it in the house...the reason I found it under the couch cushion is because I spilt coffee and I lifted the cushion....surprise! I found the rest of it under the couch because we store the dog blankets under there and once again....surprise!
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Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by Turtle82
Of course you're hurt. Fear hurts. You're afraid for your children's, your and his future. You aren't afraid of the present which looks good but of the future and where you believe it will possibly and/or probably go. If you say anything to him surrounding his drinking that's what it should be in my opinion. When we're in a relationship, unfortunately or fortunately, for better or worse, what happens in their lives does affect us. My husband almost died 4 years ago and we live with his medical condition that left. Has my life changed because something happened to him? Yes, and it happened one Sunday morning at 7am... to say our lives (my life) changed in an instant. So, I'm trying to say... alcoholism, AA, Alanon... sometimes all the lingo bypasses normal, healthy, emotions that happen without any of that. Its just life. We affect each other by the choices we make. He could be a mountain climber or race car driver or a doctor without borders in Africa. You're in fear. If you're a spiritual person with a HP, all I can suggest is what I have to do with the fear I get in with my husband's condition.... pray and in that praying as for the strength to keep remembering that He will be there for you and to help you to keep drawing close to Him and then try to let the worry go, one day at a time if you have to, knowing He has heard you and is there and will be always. Trust. ((((hugs)))) I'm sorry, if you're not, I don't mean to offend. Its just all I know to do.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
knowthetriggers....it is probably a blow to your gut because it is a foreshadowing of what is to come---living with an active alcoholic. You have hung your heart on having a stable, normal family--free of the ravages of alcohol. You felt that you had a second chance when the two of you moved to another area.
You feel hurt by him...because it is hard to remember that he is doing what alcoholics just do...it may feel like it is personally directed at you---even though it isn't. He has an overwhelming compulsion to drink. It is his disease.
Even so--it doesn't matter if it is personal or not--his drinking can rob you of your dream and expose your children to an alcoholic home.
Inside, you KNOW this part---and it HURTS!
He is going to do what he is going to do. The question is--what are you going to do?
Maybe, pull out those alanon numbers and go to a meeting. You need some support to face the truth and to gather your strenght.
When the future comes...you will need to be strong enough to face it.
You have children to protect and think of, also.
dandylion
You feel hurt by him...because it is hard to remember that he is doing what alcoholics just do...it may feel like it is personally directed at you---even though it isn't. He has an overwhelming compulsion to drink. It is his disease.
Even so--it doesn't matter if it is personal or not--his drinking can rob you of your dream and expose your children to an alcoholic home.
Inside, you KNOW this part---and it HURTS!
He is going to do what he is going to do. The question is--what are you going to do?
Maybe, pull out those alanon numbers and go to a meeting. You need some support to face the truth and to gather your strenght.
When the future comes...you will need to be strong enough to face it.
You have children to protect and think of, also.
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 865
Originally Posted by dandylion
knowthetriggers....it is probably a blow to your gut because it is a foreshadowing of what is to come---living with an active alcoholic. You have hung your heart on having a stable, normal family--free of the ravages of alcohol. You felt that you had a second chance when the two of you moved to another area.
You feel hurt by him...because it is hard to remember that he is doing what alcoholics just do...it may feel like it is personally directed at you---even though it isn't. He has an overwhelming compulsion to drink. It is his disease.
Even so--it doesn't matter if it is personal or not--his drinking can rob you of your dream and expose your children to an alcoholic home.
Inside, you KNOW this part---and it HURTS!
He is going to do what he is going to do. The question is--what are you going to do?
Maybe, pull out those alanon numbers and go to a meeting. You need some support to face the truth and to gather your strenght.
When the future comes...you will need to be strong enough to face it.
You have children to protect and think of, also.
dandylion
You feel hurt by him...because it is hard to remember that he is doing what alcoholics just do...it may feel like it is personally directed at you---even though it isn't. He has an overwhelming compulsion to drink. It is his disease.
Even so--it doesn't matter if it is personal or not--his drinking can rob you of your dream and expose your children to an alcoholic home.
Inside, you KNOW this part---and it HURTS!
He is going to do what he is going to do. The question is--what are you going to do?
Maybe, pull out those alanon numbers and go to a meeting. You need some support to face the truth and to gather your strenght.
When the future comes...you will need to be strong enough to face it.
You have children to protect and think of, also.
dandylion
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